From kinzler Mon Jul 30 15:30:15 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 30 Jul 90 15:18:03 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #186 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 186 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #186 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 30 Jul 90 15:18:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 181 12 votes 20244 14304 15222 25500 25131 23502 54210 24303 27210 31530 181 2.7 mean 3.7 3.2 2.9 2.3 2.7 2.8 1.9 2.8 2.2 2.7 --- 186-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why? why? why? why? why?why? why?why? > why? why? why? why? why? why? why? why? > why? why? why?why?why? why? why? why? > why? why? why? why?why?why? why? why? why? > why? why? why? why? why? why? why? > why? why? why? why? why?why? why? > why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } BecauseBecause BecauseBecause BecauseBecauseBecause } BecauseBecauseBecauseBecauseBecause Because } Because Because Because BecauseBecause } Because Because Because } Because Because Because } Because Because BecauseBecauseBecause --- 186-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So why won't she love me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is not for me to answer. You must ask her yourself. Either do } so, or give her the following note, or both. } } As payment, you owe the Oracle your utter honesty and forthrightness } towards this woman in this matter. } } } Dear Lady, } } I am the Usenet Oracle. I give answers to those who ask for } guidance. My answers may be simple or complex, or direct or vague, } because I am not of one mind, but of many. } } In this instance, the bearer of this note has asked me a question } concerning you. My answer to him includes this note to you. } } This creature bears you some affection, as you may have gathered. He } may not be showing it well, or he may be young, or he may be unsure. } These things alone are not enough that you should completely dismiss } him, if indeed you have. } } If he is willing to tell you, directly and honestly, how he feels } (and delivery of this note to you is some indication of that) I ask } that you also embrace honesty and tell him how you feel about him. } } I can do no more than to open the doors of communication and } encourage you both to step through them. } } Remember that life is short, and love is worth the trouble. } } Sincerely, } } The Usenet Oracle --- 186-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and all-knowing Oracle. > This cute little blonde girl has asked me out! She's a bit > silly and has some truly weird opinions, but she's adorable and > cuddlesome, and it's my first date in a year. So what should I do on > this date -- what sort of place should we go to for dinner, should I try > to lure her up to my apartment on the first date, how far should I try > to go with her (she really is adorable and has tidy, firm little breasts > and a cute, compact little body)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's Sure-fire Super First Date Schedule: } } 7:00 PM -- Take the woman to Plasma Alliance. There they will give } you $15.00 for only one pint of plasma. Plus, you will } get free orange juice and cookies. For extra excitement, } donate a pint of blood each. } } 7:45 PM -- Smitty's Groceries. Smitty always has lots of free sample } platters around the deli. Remember -- 8 is the polite } limit per person from each plate. } } 8:15 PM -- BOWLING! Nothing says romance more than sharing a pair of } red-and-black bowling shoes! } } 9:00 PM -- Take Hwy 45 east to Emmitsville until you reach county road } 835. Two miles down the road, past the one-lane bridge, is } a cleared off hill. Drive to the top of the hill. If you } take turns standing on top of the car on each other's } shoulders, you can see the movie at the Emmitsville drive- } in. Don't forget your binoculars. } } 11:00 PM -- OK, now the date moves into full gear. Drive the sweet } young thing back to your apartment. Get out your high } school yearbooks and show her all the pictures of people } that you thought were so dorky back then. } } 12:00 midnight -- While wowing her with your extensive knowledge of dog } shampoos, try to cop a feel of those magnificent } breasts. } } 12:01 AM -- Rub face vigorously after she slaps you. } } 12:05 AM -- As you listen to her drive off in her car, slink sullenly } back to your room and masturabte compulsively until you } fall asleep. } } You owe the Oracle two aspirin. --- 186-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have invented a new drink: espresso with an ounce of Everclear (190- > proof grain alcohol). Can you, O Oracle, suggest an appropriate name > for this beverage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA BUSH'S PET } NAMES FOR THE PRESIDENT: (from the home office on Altair 12) } } 10: Dragonpiss } 09: Smelly-little-thing } 08: The Dripping Wound } 07: Contact Poison } 06: Hunka-hunka-burnin'-love } 05: Toxic Waste } 04: The Root of All Headaches } 03: Paint Peeler } 02: Put it in your mouth and die! } } AND THE NUMBER ONE NAME FOR THE ESPRESSO-EVERCLEAR DRINK, OR BARBARA } BUSH'S PET NAME FOR THE PRESIDENT: } } 01: LOVE POTION NUMBER 9 } } You owe the Oracle one espresso machine made from human bones. --- 186-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What exactly is a Spring-Loaded Death Vagina? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahh, the Spring Loaded Death Vagina. Glad you asked, as I have a } woking model right here. } } Note that once the male places his } } SNAP! } } Erk...elp....ackkhhhh..... } } THUD } } You owe the Oracle a new Oracle --- 186-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do cartoon characters like Bugs Bunny, Woody Woodpecker, etc. > disguise themselves as women in order to get the better of their > adversaries? Are they all transvestite perverts? Did the people > who made the cartoons like to cross-dress or something? Sounds > pretty disgusting to me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It ought to be pretty self-evident that most major cartoon characters } actually reveal quite a bit of sexual ambiguity. As Nordhoffen } says in his "Psychosexualitie Der Kartoonz", } "The chaotic inner state of the sexual selves of cartoon } characters is readily revealed by their names. Consider } *Bugs* Bunny or Woody Wood*pecker*. Betty *Boop*, "Tweety" } Bird, Road Runner (an obvious play from "street walker"), } all express a sexual confusion drawn from both 20th Century } American culture and from the minds of the animators themselves. } Walt Disney was a poof." } } You owe the Oracle an 8mm copy of "Felix The Cat" --- 186-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How often is it that people end their questions to you with the phrase > "Inquiring minds want to know?" Do you dislike this practice? Do you > yourself read supermarket tabloids? Are you currently having a secret > love affair with Liz Tailor? > > Inquiring minds want to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, I don't mind this at all. What I hate are the stupid } headlines that get printed about me. Here's a representative sampling: } } ORACLE BABY CRIES "SATAN DADDY! SATAN DADDY!" } } ORACLE'S AMAZING NEW TOFU AND BURLAP DIET! LOSE 6 TONS IN LESS THAN AN } EPOCH! } } MICHAEL JACKSON SHOCKER: I WAS THE ORACLE'S LOVE SLAVE! } } HORRID AFTER-EFFECTS OF LIPO-SUCTION: ORACLE IS GROWING BREASTS!!! } } ORACLE SUICIDE SCARE: FRIENDS SAY IT IS DEPRESSED OVER LISA'S DEPARTURE } } ORACLE FASHION TIPS: LOTS OF LEATHER AND SANDPAPER } } See what I mean. I suppose this is the price of fame. } } You owe the Oracle five nude pictures of Liz Taylor. --- 186-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Huh? What's going on? -more- } } } you feel less confused now -more- } } } the Oracle scores an excellent hit on you --- 186-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi what would be a good name to call my child. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle must confess that It is a wee bit baffled by your message. } Since it ends with a period, it ought to be a statement, saying that } you think 'What' would be a good name to call your child. In that case, } the Oracle disagrees strongly: 'What' is *not* a good name for a child. } Just imagine the scene if someone asks him/her his/her name: } } Q: What's your name? } A: What. } Q: (louder) What's your name? } A: What! } Q: (shouts) WHAT'S YOUR NAME!!! } A: You don't have to shout, I'm not deaf! I've told you: What's my name! } Q: What??? } A: WHAT'S MY NAME!!! } Q: Why are you asking me? Don't you know your own name??? } A: No, you don't understand, I'm actually *called* What! } Q: (incredulous) What??? } A: I SAID, I'M ACTUALLY CALLED WHAT! } Q: Don't shout at me! } } and so on, ad nauseam. } } On the other hand, the Oracle sees the possibility taht you may actually } have meant your message to be a question, but forgot to put a } questionmark at the end. In that case, the Oracle's response is: } } A very good name for your child would be Orrie (you Americans are so } practical, the same name can make do for both a boy and a girl), after } the Oracle of course, whose intimates (Lisa, Lena, Barbara, Zeus and the } rest of that crowd) at occasions have been known to address It by this } name. } } You owe the Oracle a box of assorted punctuation signs. --- 186-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, my Oracle, > > Should I write her the letter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen, YOU have to take responsibility for this decision, not me. I'm } liable to get my god-like butt sued off despite my standard disclaimer. } I'll just tell you what the consequences of each possible choice are, } and you can make the final decision. Okay? Here goes... } } If you DON'T write her the letter, everything will remain the same, } except that a small, brown dog in Albequerque, New Mexico will be struck } and killed by a pickup truck on a dusty, deserted road. } } If you DO write her the letter, she'll be a little bit surprised at } first, and won't really respond right away. But eventually, } misunderstandings about your intentions and seemingly cavalier attitude } will anger her. The anger will build over the course of several weeks } until she is on the verge of collapse and begins to come down with } pneumonia from walking alone in the rain. Driven by her deteriorated } physical and mental state, she begins to blame you for all of her } problems and begins to seek a means of revenge. And she'll find her } revenge, by seeking relief in the arms of New York real-estate mogul } Donald Trump. You'll commit suicide after seeing her on the front cover } of the Weekly World News. She'll live a sickening life of caviar and } faked orgasms, running from the world and herself by jetting from party } to party. But this won't last. After several hedonistic months, Trump } will fall victim to his own excesses and his little empire will } collapse. Together, the sordid duo will escape into the wilds of the } Southwest by concealing their identities. Eventually, the Donald will } be killed by a roaming biker with a sweet tooth for disaster, leaving } her an empty shell, roaming the highways in search of drugs, booze, free } rides, and cheap sex. One day she'll whistle a small, brown dog away } from the side of a dusty, deserted road, just as an old pickup truck } speeds by. The dog will bite her on the leg, and she'll die from } infection. } } Well, if you want my opinion, you don't really want to be responsible } for the death of that dog, so you'd better write her the letter. } } You owe the Oracle drugs, booze, free rides, and cheap sex.