From kinzler Sat Jul 28 11:58:58 1990
Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 90 11:51:06 -0500
From: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #185
Reply-To: oracle-vote

=== 185 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #185
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Sat, 28 Jul 90 11:51:06 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 =
"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
    100
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

180   8 votes  13310 14201 31310 11231 21311 22301 11114 12122 31220 14210
180  2.8 mean   2.5   2.5   2.3   3.3   2.8   2.5   3.8   3.3   2.4   2.4

--- 185-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Should I stop faking orgasms?  He doesn't seem to care whether I have
> them or not!
>
> Love, Janice

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle sympathises with your plight and can only suggest a new
} approach to the problem.  Rather than just faking orgasms, why not
} simply fake the entire sexual act?
}
} Next time your lover desires your participation in bed, plead a few
} moments of solitude to implant various birth control devices.  Use the
} time instead to artfully arrange the bedclothes to hide several
} pre-warmed pillows and a hot water bottle with a one-way flap attached
} (you can get these at most discerning sex shops).  Drop a wig near the
} head of the bed, darken the lights and you're all set.  If your
} boyfriend is average, he won't be able to tell the difference and will
} get his rocks off just fine while you go out dancing or otherwise spend
} the time more pleasurably.
}
} When you get back, simply remove the pillows and hot water bottle (which
} should be cleaned in a timely fashion) and take their place.  Chances
} are, your boyfriend will tell you he's never had better.
}
} You owe The Oracle an orgasm and a cigarette.

--- 185-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, you told some guy who wanted to have sex with a Vax "always" to
> have his girlfriend converted into a MicroVaxWoman:  have a MicroVax
> chip implanted and two sockets, one for a fiber-optic link to disks and
> other peripherals, the other for power, put into her skull.  I think
> that this is dehumanizing and sexist, and that you are a filthy
> chauvanist bastard to suggest such a horrible thing.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle wishes to assure you that we at Oracle Central Dispatching
} were shocked and appalled when we heard these allegations.  Acting with
} characteristic swiftness, we appointed a special Blue Ribbon committee
} of Highly Placed beaurocrats and one or two members of the cleaning
} staff to investigate these charges.
}
} Ah, the videotape of their findings is here now.  Thanks to the miracle
} of transcript-o-vision, I can now share their findings with you
} directly!  No whitewash jobs here at Oracle Central, I can assure you of
} that.  Hmmm.  Let's see here..
}
} <static.  Jerky fade-in to a fat, nervous looking man in a rumpled suit.
} There appears to be a large gravy stain on his tie>
}
} "Ah.  Ahem.  Harold Greysuit here, acting chairment of the Committee to
} Unearth Nascent Targets of Sexism.  We're, um, about to go into the
} corporate offices now....  Ahem..." (points at door emphatically)
}
} <Camera lingers on Harold for a moment, then slowly pans to face a large
} set of polished walnut doors.  They swing open to reveal a sumptuous
} foyer.  The floor is of polished onyx and there is a large,
} ostentatious, marble fountain in the center.  Greek statues (all male)
} holding real torches stand in nitches along the wall.  The camera moves
} unsteadingly into the foyer, finally focusing on a large iron door set
} into one wall.  Zooming in on a thick brass plaque mounted in the center
} of the door, we see the words "The Big Boss" inscribed on it.  The
} camera jerks back suddenly to Harold Greysuit, who is picking his nose.
} He pulls his finger hurridly from his nose and composes himself.>
}
} "Ahem.  Ah, we of the committee, lest we be accused of favoritism, have
} been compelled to start our questioning at the very top.  We're now
} outside the office of J.  Oracle Bigthump, our esteemed chairman, who
} has graciously agreed to answer our humble questions."
}
} <The camera pans back to the door just in time to see one of the lesser
} assistants being pushed bodily to the door.  He looks back at the camera
} with the expression of a condemned man before turning and knocking.
} There is a hushed silence, then the door swings slowly inward, revealing
} a dimly lit room.  In the middle of the room stands a very large desk,
} behind which, partially in shadow, sits an even larger man.  He is
} wearing what appears to be the armor of a Roman Centurion and is smoking
} a large cuban cigar.  The camera moves a little closer and reveals a
} number of women lying on the floor, all of whom are scantily clad in
} leather harness arrangements reminiscent of Hollywood's idea of how
} Roman slave girls might have looked.  What appears to be some sort of
} leash is attached to each harness, the other end being clasped in the
} man's meaty fist.  The man looks up at the camera>
}
} "YES?"
}
} <Harold comes forward, shaking like a palsy victim>
}
} "Um.  Ahem.  Mr.  J.  Sir.  Ahem.  I'm terribly terribly sorry to bother
} you, and you know that I would gladly eviscerate myself before even
} thinking about causing you the slightest worry in any way, but I was
} wondering if I might possibly take just the very smallest moment of your
} time to ask several extremely trivial questions that I know are
} certainly beneath your dignity to answer and I as you certainly know I
} would rather circumsize myself repeatedly with a rusty can opener than
} irritate or inconvenience you in any way whatsoever, I would just like
} to.."
}
} "SHUT UP!"
}
} "Yes sir.  Of course sir.  I'll never speak again sir."
}
} <The man rises ponderously from his chair, treading on one of the
} women's fingers and eliciting a loud yelp of pain.  He doesn't seem to
} notice.>
}
} "WHAT ARE THESE QUESTIONS?"
}
} "Well.  Ahem.  Sir.  We just wanted to know if you'd ever, just in
} passing of course, noticed any.  Um.  Sexism.  In the center.  Sir."
}
} <The man sits slowly back in his chair and begins fondling one of the
} women absently.>
}
} "SEXISM?  NO."
}
} "Well, sir!  I am certainly relieved to hear that sir!  I'm very very
} sorry to have wasted any of your precious time sir!"
}
} <Harold backs out of the doorway, hurridly closing the door and almost
} severing several fingers.  He turns to face the camera with the relieved
} look of one who's cancer has gone into remission>
}
} "Well!  I guess that clears that up, eh folks?  No need to look any
} further, having gotten the final word, eh?  Ahem.  Let's wrap this up,
} shall we?"
}
} <The camera moves out of the foyer, showing the retreating backs of
} several committee members.  As it moves into the hall, a glimpse is
} caught of several squealing secretaries in Playboy Bunny outfits being
} chased by a man whirling a mechanical eggbeater.  The audio track picks
} up the sound of someone shouting "What do you mean, period?!?  You'll
} put out when I tell you to, Bit-" followed by a burst of static, then a
} short test pattern as the camera is turned off.>
}
}
} So.  Judging by the committee's official report, we can safely conclude
} that there is absolutely no sexism here.  I hope that we resolved this
} issue to your satisfaction and encourage you to contact us again should
} you have any complaints in the future.
}
} You owe The Oracle breakfast in bed for a month and a blowjob.
}
}                         Sincerely yours,
}
}                                 The Oracle.

--- 185-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I have intersting dreams?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Whap!  Abase yourself properly when you speak to me!  Get down on your
} knees.  Whap!  Both of 'em!  Ok.  That's better.
}
} This is a frequently asked question.  My question to you is "Just how
} interesting do you want them?" Here are several methods for increasing
} the interest factor in your dreams, in increasing order.  Choose your
} favorite.
}
} 1) Eat a lot of spicy food before you go to bed.  For instance, drink a
} bottle of La Victoria HOT.  Follow this by half a bottle of Diet Pepsi,
} then jog around the block.  Take a shower and go to bed.
}
} 2) Find a flophouse full of drunks.  Buy yourself a spot in the middle.
} Haggle.  Don't pay more than $1.50.  Before they dim the lights,
} carefully observe each drunk, bum, hob, ragamuffin, or vagabond, and try
} to visualize that person in a position of authority, responsibility, or
} as a sex object.  Stare and wink at the toothless hags.  Go to sleep
} with a clear mind.  Heh heh heh.
}
} 3) Catch up on that quantum physics homework you have been putting off,
} right before you go to bed.  Review relativity and black holes, while
} you are at it.  Wonder how something that occupies no space can have
} angular momentum.  Go to sleep reading.
}
} 4) Take 5 hits of acid and half a package of Sominex.  Make sure each
} tab comes from a different dealer in a different city.  Have a friend, a
} bucket of ice water, a bowl of green M & Ms, and a small friendy furry
} creature handy.  Have your friend hide all axes, shotguns, cucumbers,
} nooses, and the kind of flat shovel that is good for crushing small
} friendly furry creatures.  Put "My Translucent Hands" by I Start
} Counting on the CD player, or maybe some Bauhaus or some Pope-A-Lopes,
} or the "Fantasia" soundtrack.  Try to go to sleep.  Don't try too hard,
} as you won't know the difference anyway.
}
} 5) Get a friend to put your head in a vise, and drill a hole in the top
} of your head.  Pour in the ground up brain of Nostradamus, some Cayenne,
} 2 alka-seltzer tablets, 2 ounces of goat liver, a Ninendo Gameboy, a
} shot of bourbon, and the lips of a gibbon.  Have the friend superglue a
} cork in the hole in your head.  Get out of the vise, shake your head
} violently, and have your friend whisper Monty Python sketches into your
} left ear while your brain melts.
}
} If you are feeling adventurous, I advise doing each one in order.  The
} Oracle can't guarantee your health, or even your survival, but you can
} be damn sure you'll see some things you never seen before.
}
} You owe the Oracle a frozen green eggo waffle that sounds like John
} Cleese.

--- 185-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is Mark.  Gooley, why does he put a period after his first name, and
> why does he write those weird bits of stories and post them to
> newsgroups?  Enquiring minds want to know!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Mark.  Gooley is a cousin of the preeminent female tennis player
} in the early 1970's - Australian Evonne Goolagong.  Miss Goolagong
} (whose name is derived from the aboriginal language of her forefathers)
} won a number of tournaments around the world including a couple of
} Wimbledon titles.  Mark, on the other hand, was a fair-to-middling
} player at best who admired, even idolized his older cousin.  Evonne
} Goolagong married a chap by the name of Cawley and retired forever from
} professional tennis, her place in the pantheon of great stars secure, in
} the late 70's.  This sudden event shocked Mark, whose absorption in his
} cousin approached obsessiveness, into a neurotic psychosis from which he
} never recovered.  Evonne Goolagong-Cawley, as she calls herself now, is
} a well-loved and respected public figure in Australiato this day.  In
} the throes of his mental turmoil Mark, who now saw his older cousin as
} some sort of martyred demi-god, changed his last name to
} Goolagong-Cawley.  He quit tennis and moved to the outback where he
} lived in relative peace for 6 years until some bloody silly American
} sodoff came along and inveigled him into selling his story to Hollywood.
} He did and there was 'Crocodile Dundee'.
}         Today, Mark is back in civilized society in Adelaide.  He never
} fully recovered from his traumatic breakdown and the years of solitude
} that follwed it.  It is very difficult for him to deal with people on an
} inter- personal basis so he entertains himself on his home computer.
} Gooley is a contraction of Goolagong-Cawley - Mark dosn't really want
} people to be aware of his connection with Evonne Gooloagong, at least
} those people on the *net*.  The .  after his name and the bizarre little
} stories are merely little eccentricites - by-products of his breakdown
} and years of isolation.  Presently, Mark is eagerly awaiting the release
} of Crocodile Dundee III, subtitled 'Buggering Roos and Butchering
} Dingoes', a film on which he served as remote creative director and
} technical expert.
}
}         You owe the Oracle a bottle of Foster's and a Kangaroo steak,
} medium well.

--- 185-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>         Should I send the following letter to George H.  W.  Bush, the
> President of the U.S.?
>
> Dear Mr.  President,
>         It has come to my attention that you find it pleasurable to
> dress up as a little girl of three years old or thereabouts and talk
> baby talk while your wife Barbara treats you as if you were really a
> female toddler.  This is not only unbecoming to the head of state of
> what is still perhaps the most powerful nation on Earth, but it's
> terribly, terribly funny.  I have film and videotapes and photos to back
> my claims, and these will be released to the press if you do not meet
> the demands that I will present in my next letter, or if I should die
> suddenly within the next few years,
>
>                                         Yours faithfully, etc.
>
> Well, O wise and far-seeing Oracle, whaddaya think I should do?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Send him the letter, but make sure _I_ get a copy of the tapes.
}
} You owe the oracle a better back-up policy.

--- 185-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have problems with the computer screens I use.  Whenever I have
> corrected something, I can't write over it any more.
>
> Am I perhaps using the wrong brand of white-out (Tipp-Ex that is).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes!  Get some Liquid Terminal.  This actually dissolves the phosphor in
} the computer screen, enabling you to type over it again; conventional
} brands simply mask the screen and do no good.

--- 185-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Mighty Oracle, whose knowledge knows no bounds,
>
> What is the frequency response of my girlfriend to a sinusoidal input?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Ah, an easy question. f = 6 * sin(x)  where x is in units of gradians.
}
} The magic constant '6' has been known to vary, however. In some women,
} it has been as high as 42, and in some, as low as 0 (mostly dead ones.)
} In extreme cases of frigidity, negative numbers have been rumored, but
} the Oracle is scared of this, and would rather not discuss it.

--- 185-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When was the last time you said "WOW!" ?  (Lisa excluded)

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This morning.  It's an interesting story.
}
} When I awakened this morning at 6:01am (the alarm takes a while to get
} me going) I slowly untangled myself from the seven oracular pilgrims (I
} made sure their pilgrimmage wasn't in vain) and slowly trod towards the
} bathroom.
}
} Now I know that this is nothing to ``Wow!'' about, but just you wait
} until I get to the bathroom.
}
} It takes me five minutes to cross my room.  It's not a large room but it
} is littered with the remains of a night-long party.  People, places, and
} things abound on the floor, re-affirming my belief that Scotchgard had
} better be what the commercial say.
}
} The glow of my Sun workstations show that I have 20 questions waiting
} for me.  This is also not enough for a ``Wow!'' but I'm getting warmed
} up.
}
} I open the door to my bathroom silently, surprising the ten occupants.
} It appears that Lisa had over some of her friends and they were doing
} the wierdest things in my bathtub.
}
} Believe me, even this is not enough for a ``Wow!'' but I'm getting
} close.
}
} After a couple of min...  er...  seconds of watching, I turn to the
} mirror and see the shape of my hair.
}
} You owe the oracle a haircut.

--- 185-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What's it like being a tampon?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Fuzzy, warm, and wet.  If you want to become a tampon, all in all, it's
} not too bad a life.
}
} But, I must warn you:  There are strings attached.

--- 185-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why am I asking this question?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is a very complicated question.  The Oracle deliberated lonG and
} haRd in order to answer this wEll.  Here is your answer:
}
} You asked the question because deep inside you, you have a growinG
} feeling of inadequacy.  In order to quell these feelingS, you need to
} question everything that Causes you anxiety.  Foremost in your life is
} tHe neEd for immedIate knowleDge.  Everything elsE revolves around this
} one desire.  Once you feeL you know as much as you can, then you wIll
} begin to See whAt it is that Was missing.  evEn you can fEel adequate
} wheN you know everythIng!  So rElax...you're on your way to adequacy.  !