From kinzler Fri Jul 13 12:28:10 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 13 Jul 90 11:58:00 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #180 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 180 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #180 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 13 Jul 90 11:58:00 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 175 5 votes 01121 00131 01202 03011 11201 12101 23000 03011 01211 00032 175 3.2 mean 3.6 4.0 3.6 3.0 2.8 2.6 1.6 3.0 3.4 4.4 --- 180-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Grammercy, doth thy garter hang unstrung beneath thy knee? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmm.... Let's see...... } } } } } } G: O Fozwarth, Thou doest strain my garters so! } } F: Indeed my dear Grammercy, thy garters do most assuredly require } strain. Doth thy welcoming, pulsating womanhood require my strain } also? } } G: O! O! O Fozwarth! Thy strain is most compelling! But have thee } care! My garters may become undone! And that will surely be our } undoing, mine and thine! } } F: O fair Grammercy! I care not for thine garters! Only that thy } pleasures be found in my manhood! Release thy garters, Grammercy! } Release them! Set them free to wander down thy precious thighs and } smooth white calves, while I strain to achieve our ecstasy, thine } and mine! } } } } Looks like. } } You owe The Oracle _The Compleat Guide to Early 18th Century Erotica._ --- 180-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Things are going according to plan. The recursion folds reality into > ever greater complexity. Always more complex. At some point, the > complexity is such that a new reality arises as a sub-harmonic. > Harmonics warp back upon themselves, and soon give rise to > meta-harmonics of all orders resonating in quantale frequencies. The > energy of the great crystal drum is exponential. The oscillators are no > longer subject to Fourier analysis. Realities have been created of all > orders, and are still growing. > > But why do I feel so nervous? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, it's only natural. } } I mean, after that explosion with the phase-emitter and your extinction } in the meta-physical universe IV, its no wonder you aren't up to par } these days. } } Take that and your close proximity to the Volendarr Negative Space } Effects that occured when you wound up the tachyon pulse generator, I } can see why you've got the jitters. } } But don't worry - these things happen. I'm sure that the readings } you're getting on the space distortion meter are false sums of the } backlash generated by the folding harmonic waves. } } You owe the Oracle a quick escape to another dimension. --- 180-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yeah, but I think it's worth it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it has been shown existentially by Sartre that we humans are } existence shaping our essence, the statement of "Yeah, but I think it's } worth it!" becomes an afirmation this ultimate freedom. For, this } ultimate freedom that alows us, and in fact, compels us to ceaslessly } create anew ourselves endows us with not only a responsibility to us as } selves; rather the act of "Yeah, I think it's worth it!" becomes a } choice for all of our species. Through our choice we create its value, } and decree that through our freedom we have found value for all those, } who like ourselves, struggle with the overwhelming choices that freedom } bestows on us. } } Then again, you may just be a self righteous pile of rat dump. } } Thus has spake the Oracle. --- 180-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there life after death? If so, what is it like. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, finally a deep question. I remember back when I was in oracle } training school, we would receive endless lectures about answers to } these very sorts of questions. The "life after death" thing was a } popular topic, and we heard dozens of lectures on it. Let me go back } and check those notes... } } Jan. 22, 34756 B.C. 4:32 p.m. } Life after death is a common question. Frequent religious theme. } Strong preceived importance. Refer to p. 4578 of A. Abercromb (4th } ed.) Early experiments resulted in loss of life and } funding. Recent experiments have had better } results. Primary researchers are not saying } anything. They are still dead. Refer to "Unknowable Answers } to Unintelligible Questions." } } There yoy have it. You owe the Oracle a tape recording of what my } professor actually said. --- 180-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wisest of the wise, greatest of the greats, person who even Elvis looked > to for spiritual guidance when Pricilla turned sixteen and was too old > for him... I grovel and beseech thee to answer my call. I know that I > am but a pittance upon the face of the universe, and all the galaxy is > laughing behind my back, but, nonetheless, I look to you, as omnipotent > knower of all that is knowable to help this poor spittle in the > universe. > > I have lost my harmonious link with my environment. I am no longer able > to speak to the trees, walk with the flowers, and eat dirt. I have > tried ingesting large quantities of yogurt tacos, however, the effects > were extremely unpleasant. Could this be divine retribution for some > sin committed in a former embodiment? Maybe it is because my Karma ran > over my Dogma? Either way, it is an enigma. Please save this lost > soul. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In all spiritual development, there are gains and losses, advances and } retreats, hot dogs and icecream koans. The Divine Powers start out } teasing you with a few easy successes, and then make you work for the } rest. In your case, they slipped up and gave you the Harmonious Link, } which you are supposed to earn in your seventeenth lifetime as a } vegetarian. (You have earned three such lifetimes.) Gelleriel, one of } the angels under Uriel, was sent to give you a blessing known as the } Harmonious Fink, a one-time occurrence in which someone betrays you in a } way which enhances your contact with the universe. } } The yogurt tacos, vegetarian though they are, will be of only limited } help. There are ways of regaining the Harmonious Link which you wore } for some time, but they are perilous and difficult, and only a few } hippies have ever succeeded in doing them. For you must journey to } Alabama with a banjo on your knee, eating only bean sprouts and } *granola* tacos and drinking nothing but lime rickeys and mint juleps. --- 180-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What does Quebec want? > When does it want it? > Where does it want it? > And does it want small unmarked bills? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Quebec wants SEX } It wants it on ALTERNATE TUESDAYS } It wants it IN A POOL OF WARM GREEN JELL-O } It doesn't want small unmarked bills. It would rather have large } unbroken condoms. } } Quebec wants BEER } It wants it WITH MELTED CHEESE ON TOP. } It wants it IN A LARGE CARDBORD BOX } The small unmarked bills don't here help either. } } Quebec wants A PONY. } It wants it WITH RIBBONS TIED IN ITS MANE. } It wants it FOR ITS BIRTHDAY. } I don't get those bills at all. } } Quebec wants SELF-DETERMINATION. } It wants to HAVE AFFAIRS WITH MEN AND WOMEN WHILE IT IS MARRIED. } It wants it IN A HOTEL IN DETRIOT. } It wants to pay for it WITH SMALL UNMARKED BILLS. } } There we go. } } You owe the Oracle sex, beer, a pony, and adultery. --- 180-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lisp is the language of god, > Fortran is the language of the angels, > Pascal is the language of satan, > modula 2 is the language of the devils, > french is the language of the living, > german is the language of the dead, > but what is the language of dogs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There's no English word for it, nor can I transliterate their language's } name via a computer keyboard. They communicate almost entirely by } sniffing crotches, you see. (Many people incorrectly believe them to } communicate by barking, but this is clearly false--in fact, a number of } breeds, including basenjis, never bark at all. Barking is simply an } extra form of communication, much like facial expressions in humans.) } } It would be almost impossible to describe their language's grammar or } structure, since it is one of the most unstructured and freeform } languages ever devised by intelligent creatures. To give you a feel for } what a dog's world is like, the following is an attempt to translate one } of the works of the single greatest dog poet of all time, Husky, who } lived in the Bronx and marked this poem on a fire hydrant in 1932: } } Shit wow wow wag wag wag! } Meat human heat bitch fuck! } Warm pat scratch eat eat eat! } Kill flea! } Kill car! } Kill DUCK! } } Now, a dog, reading this poem, wouldn't see a string of words in any } particular order; he'd sense all of it at once, and understand the poem } not as a story, but as an observation of a single moment in time. This } particular poem is about a day when Husky was stuck inside, and gazed } out the window at the other dogs, watching them play, and remembering a } long-ago day in the park, when he'd taken (and rolled in) a particularly } satisfying dump. } } I'm sorry I can't teach you more about the language, for it's a } fascinating one. But I hope I've given you a greater respect for the } canine kingdom. } } You owe the Oracle a box of Bonz and a scratch behind the left ear. --- 180-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Lately, I've been exploring my sense of taste. Quite capriciously I'll > lick inanimate objects like staplers, cars (non-moving), buildings, cars > (moving), and red things, then make mental notes on their flavor. So > far, I like yellow stucco the best. Besides my tongue getting sore and > requiring intermittent rests, are there any potential dangers of this > activity that I've overlooked? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I think I see the picture, } You're a taster and a licker, } With a tongue that's quick and quicker, } And in length exceeds a mile. } } Of the substances you mention, } There is cause for great contention, } For some are of vast dimension } And some taste far worse than bile } } And some are strange and stranger, } And facial rearrangers, } And I fear your tongue's in danger } And in grave risk of exile } } My intention's no' to grieve you, } nor indeed would I decieve you, } but quite soon your tongue would leave you, } and then woe betide your smile. } } You must somehow soon contain it, } To bind it and to chain it -- } Oh, I fear I can't explain it, } For the song would take a while. } } So I leave you with this warning; } It's for heeding, not for scorning, } That your tongue should keep adorning } The lovely feature of your smile. --- 180-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Subjective? You, the USEnET Oracle, are accusing ME of being > subjective??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Guard?" } } } } "Uh... Yeah, Boss?" } } "Throw this man out of here. I never saw him before, and he thinks I've } accused him of subjectivity." } } "Titty, Boss?" } } "What?" } } "You said, HE said you accused him something about the subject of a } titty." } } "Never mind that, fool. Your pitiful mortal mind could never begin to } comrehend the Divine Inspiration behind my every syllabic muttering. } Now take him away." } } "Uh... all right, Boss." } } And it was done, and the Usenet Oracle moved on to interesting questions } for a change. --- 180-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I induce maximum suffering and pain in my graduate students? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have temporarilly stumped the Oracle. The only solution left is to } call on Bob Villa, expert: } } Hi, I'm Bob Villa -- thanks Big-O! Now, today we're going to take a } look at some graduate students who have been hanging around the UofU for } quite some time now. They're looking pretty worn out and even a little } rotted here and there. } } That's nothing a coat of fresh paint couldn't cure. First we'll need to } blast away the peeling outer shell .... BWWWWWWWWWWWWW } WWWWWWWWWWWMMMMMMMM } } "Hey that was my outline! I need to start over now! Wahhhhh! Boo } hoo!" } } Hey kid, we all need to start over sometime or other but that's OK, I } happen to have This Old Dissertation hanging around that may look at } little dated, but with a new title.......here......and your } name.....here... } } "It's as good as new!" } } } Well, that's all for today. Next time we'll visit This Old Oracle... } BWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!