From kinzler Wed Jul 11 11:18:19 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 11 Jul 90 11:02:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #179 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 179 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #179 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 11 Jul 90 11:02:21 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 174 6 votes 22101 11112 22110 21102 12120 13110 11211 02400 12300 12300 174 2.6 mean 2.3 3.3 2.2 2.8 2.7 2.3 3.0 2.7 2.3 2.3 --- 179-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Natalie McKamey, resident of Bloomington Indiana, married? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, let's go marry Natalie! } She's winkely and catalie! } She cooks a mean-o sausage stew! } -- I hear she's kind of tattely. } } Oh, let's go marry Rosalie! } She's crinkely and cozalie! } I like her cats and you do too! } -- She's keen on dressing nattily. } } Oh, let's go marry Emily! } She's butchily and femmily! } Her marmoset is tie-dyed blue! } -- She's always acting BEMmily. } } Perhaps we shan't get wed to-day; } Perhaps we'll sail out in the bay, } Perhaps we'll seek in pastures new! } --I really don't know what to say. } } } You owe an oracle another rhyme for the third verse that doesn't depend } on the reader knowing that a BEM is a Bug-Eyed Monster. --- 179-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that Anglicans are all damned for refusing to eat the Pope? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Absolutely! } } Back in 1699 when Pope Innocent died, Pope Guilty decreed that the } body be shipped across Europe, through all the reformation countries, } in order that anyone who ate a piece of the Holy Body would be } forgiven, taken back into the Catholic Church, and restored to grace. } } As the old pope's body slowly wound its way through Europe, the } condition of the body deteriorated greatly. It is rumored to have } started a Plague outbreak in France, and in Germany, it was called } 'The Diet of Worms II' by the locals. By the time the pope } crossed the channel in 1708, not one englishman could bear to come } near it, much less eat any part of it (besides, all the best pieces } had been taken by the Germans). Late one evening, a group of VERY } BRAVE C of E officials stole the body and interred it in a secret } grave. } } When word reached Rome of the body's secret burial, and that NOT ONE } Englishman had partaken of the body, Pope Guilty flew into a } terrible rage and damned every member of the Church of England before } dying of a stroke. In what seems like poetic justice, his body was } consumed by rioting, famine-stricken Romans. } } The British really couldn't care less. } } You owe The Oracle a Yorkshire Pudding and an Indulgence. --- 179-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wise and magnificent Oracle, > > All I want to do is finish my doctorate, marry a good woman, settle > down at some steady job, and raise children and roses. But the > doctorate is bogged down, the women ignore me, and I seem to be > fated not to have these things. > > Please tell me what my future holds. Will I achieve this modest > ambition? What will happen to me in the next few years? > > Thanks very much. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To he who scribes such painful words, let me relay unto thee my divine } assurance that the future holds much of interest to thee, but not as } thou seemst to desire. } } First, my friend, thou wilt be blessed with doctorates of great number, } and thy credentials shall read, "Dr. --- ----, Professor of Underwater } Tennis, Alcove-jumping, and Egg-scrambling, with a minor in female } endearment and retributive contemplation." } } Secondly, thou wilst within one year become a gynecologist, and the } women will no longer ignore you but, verily, verily, I say unto thee, } they shall fight as do the pit bulls of Magladesh, and they shall slay } each other in great number to approach thine humble office and to be the } attention of thy services. } } After these events have transpired, 'o One Who Knows Not What the Hell } He Will Be, thou shalt have thy youth among thee, and thy house will } swarm with thine offspring, like the Great Sack of Balcutto, and they } shall surround the like the Moths of Gerpoli. Thy spouse will be a } woman of great insignificance, yea, like Aristapoi of Beelzuri, and she } shall be forever indebted to thee, for reasons I darest not recount. } } May all of thy wishes, (except for the one about the goldfish, the } hand-grenade, and swiss cheese), come true. } } You owe the Oracle a retelling of Babe Ruth's historectomy, and a } lifetime supply of Vegamite. --- 179-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does the left half of your brain know what the right half is doing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course the left half of my brain knows what the right side is } doing!... it's scheming to take over the left side!... I just hope } that the right side doesn't know that the left side is planning the same } thing!... What was that?.. Uh-oh, he's on to me!... Hey, what are you } planning?!... None of your business! } } [Since the left side of the Oracle's brain is now separated from the } right side, you can strill address all artistic questions to iuvax, } however, you should send your technical problems to } oracle@charon.mit.edu] } } You owe the Oracle a VERY good systems analyst (No they don't!) Shut } up!.... --- 179-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Pastry or sex? Pastry or sex? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's both pastry -- _and_ sex! It's the new life-sized, extra-sexy, } Pillsbury Dough Girl! She's the only woman who's happy with a permanent } yeast infection! Bake her until she's golden brown, and you've got some } Poppin' Fresh Hot Sex! And if you're tired of her afterwards, you can } eat her -- from head to toe -- and get another of her! Keep several of } her in your refrigerator -- you'll always be able to have a hot dinner } date any night of the week! --- 179-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the stupidest name for a space pirate? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It's all a matter of taste really, but the Oracle suggests that the } following names are pretty bloody stupid: } } 10. Florence } 9. Joe the Stupidly-Named Space Pirate } 8. Joe "really quite scary" Smith } 7. The Sound of Three Dead Men Wilson (Esq.) } 6. Kinko the Kid-Loving Clown } 5. Liverpuddly Everton-Smith the Fifty-Second } 4. Gwynysthykwang`ll Thngmybb } 3. Kevin "Pretty-Boy" Heath } 2. Krog the Very Messy } 1. Ronald Ray-gun --- 179-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are you sitting comfortably? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, now that you mention it. I am curled up with one leg under my butt } and the other one stuck under my armpit. My left arm has somehow been } stuffed into St. Amagon's mouth, and he has very long teeth. I am } suspended upside down in a net over a pool of boiling alligators. A } dentist has poked her drill into my left molars and is probably writing } her initials there. I am being force-fed abalone sushi and it is } socially unacceptable to say that it is rather like chewing on my own } cheek, except more highly spiced. I have been stuck on skiis and I am } currently hurtling toward a precipice at something over 800 miles a } second. I am listening to three operas simultaneously, and I can't } understand a single word, and it is socially unacceptable to say } anything bad about it at all. Seven carnivorous howling butterflies } have started to devour my left ear. Fifteen rabid scientific elephants } have decided that my other ear is a suitable repository for explosive } and corrosive vapors, and who the heck is going to say "no" to fifteen } rabid scientific elephants? A Space Pirate has pointed her ray gun at } me and I am being forced to walk the star-plank, which is no mean feat } when I'm curled up with one leg under my but and the other one stuck } under my armpit. --- 179-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When the gogo girls slash my face, what does it mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My friend, this is truly an ill omen. It is written in the famed book } on the unorthodox, 'Door-to-door Salesmen and Other Mystical } Phenomenon,' that: } } "...furthermore, the gogo girl is assuredly a } lycanthropic creature, and prefers to strike its victims by slashing } their faces..." } } Also, in the ancient 'Hindu Book of Meditation and Ford Passenger Car } Maintenence': } } "...the gogo girls can only be described as beasts of } ill-omen. Their affinity for odd clothing accessories is surpassed } only by their preference for slashing the faces of their victims, who } later turn into gogo girls themselves..." } } Truly, the Great Oracle feels the utmost sympathy for your case. I } only hope that the infection caused by the facial wounds does not lead } to your eventual metamorphasis into a gogo girl, but if this does } happen, please - end your life, that you might save others. Here are } some warning signs to tell you if you are turning into a gogo girl: } } 1) Affinity for scarfs, bandanas, and flourescent shoelaces } 2) An urge to sing moronic songs with little or no actual artistic } value } 3) Any cravings to jump into a convertible, cruise down Main Street, } and wave at people while singing } 4) Urges to 'break away' from 'the group' and make videos with } aquatic mammals in them } 5) An overwhelming desire to stick hot dogs up your nose } } If any of these symptoms occur, please kill yourself to save others. } The method of killing gogo girls is best described in Humphrey's } 'Guide to the Slaying of Indigent Rock Personalities', in which he } says: } } "The slaying of a gogo girl is no easy matter. First, one } must prepare a boiling mixture of curry, fructose, skunk- } weed, and smelling salts. Then, decapitate the gogo girl } with a lead tweezers, grasping the still-singing head with } the tweezers and dipping it in the boiling solution. The } head should now begin singing 'We Got the Beat.' The next } step is most crucial. } "Taking the head outside, stuff a garden hose in } its mouth and turn on the water. The head should stop } singing, but ONLY for a few seconds. It is while the } head is not singing that it is most vulnerable. During } these critical seconds, take a silver knife and repeatedly } stab the head. If done properly, this should finally kill } the gogo girl. If not, the gogo girl will still live, and } the above steps must be repeated." } } Good luck! } } You owe the Oracle the Belinda Carlisle collection on CD and a } 100-foot garden hose. --- 179-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't I become an iguana? I've tried every magic spell I've been > able to discover, and I just don't change. I've had an iguana costume > custom-made, and that helps, but it's still not quite the thing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish mortal. Man fancies himself the most intelligent, complex } creature of all Earth's creatures. His displays of nuclear bombing, and } waves of genocide are masterbatory in nature, and how pitiful he looks } as he fails in performing one of the most simple yet most self } fulfilling acts.... becoming an iguana. We smirk as he sells his soul } for a third class witch's incantation. We roar with laughter as he } cloaks himself in a shoddy polyeurethane "costume". Many a times do our } sides split with mirth, watching on as the comedic element heightens. } Strip down your skins and perk your ears if the form of an iquana is } what you desire! } } Helpful hint #1: Think like an iguana. Absorbing the iguana } attitude might seem easy at first, but believe } me it's not. Many have practiced for countless } millenia yet could not aquire that elusive } combination of cool reserve and explosive wit } that is typical of the iguana psyche. I sug- } gest starting with the observation and mimick- } ing of iguana stances. } } Helpful hint #2: Associate with iguanas. Aquire their interests. } Engage in their hobbies, sports, social gather- } ings, and mating habits. You'll know that } you've reached the pinnacle of acceptance once } you're considered "just one of the iguanas". } } Helpful hint #3: Talk like an iguana. Obviously, iguanas have } a vastly different communication structure than } your own. To successfully talk like iguana-ese } you must master a complex network of body, eye, } tail, and tongue movements as well as develop } the ability to give off a large variety of } scents. Your vocal chords will be useless and } in fact, it's strongly recommended that you } have them removed. There's nothing more } embarrassing than involuntarily vocalizations } while mating with another iguana, or while } asleep at an iguana slumber party. } } Helpful hint #4: Look like an iguana. Attitude should be empha- } sized, but let's face reality, it's hard to fit } in if you look different. If you find that } you're being constantly ridiculed, this is } usually an indication that your looks aren't } quite up to par. } } You owe the Oracle a year's subscription to "Iguana Life". --- 179-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between arpanet, BITnet and Internet? How > does CSNet and PhoneNet fit in? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (To the tune of "Around the World in Eighty Days") } (Or make one up, I don't care.) } } All together now: } } Arpanet's the net for me, Send me mail! } Arpanet's the net for me, Send me mail! } I've got to work, the boss is here, } but I'll be back when the coast is clear, } Arpanet's the net for me! } } BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail! } BITnet is the net for me, Send me mail! } There's twenty more letters to send today, } Then I'll be caught up to last May, } BITnet is the net for me! } } Internet's the net for me, Send me mail! } Internet's the net for me, Send me mail! } I 'talk' to women across the sea, } Thank the stars, they'll never see me, } Internet's the net for me! } } CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail! } CSNet's the net for me, Send me mail! } I've hacked this mailer for many a moon, } Now when I get mail it whistles a tune, } CSNet's the net for me! } } PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail! } PhoneNet is the net for me, Send me mail! } At night I sleep more comfortably, } Knowing I'm giving to AT&T, } PhoneNet is the net for me! } } The Oracle says: that's not too bad, Send me mail! } Skip the woodchucks and chicks-and-a-half, Send me mail! } The Oracle's in a very good mood, } You owe The Oracle Chinese food, } So go ahead and send me mail!