From kinzler Fri Jul 6 19:56:14 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 19:53:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #177 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 177 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #177 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 6 Jul 90 19:53:21 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 172 10 votes 12700 23410 10342 11323 12142 11431 15040 16102 22222 12520 172 3.0 mean 2.6 2.4 3.6 3.5 3.4 3.2 2.7 2.6 3.0 2.8 --- 177-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can i learn to play the fluet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should do it the same way I had to... } } [scene fades to a rocky mountaintop] } } NARRATOR (oracle cleverly disguising his voice with one of those neat-o } Transformer[TM] voice modulators): } } It was just after I had signed up for Music Theory 666 at the } University of the Immortals. I was required to learn the } esoteric art of classical fluet soloing. I had no idea where } to go, so I asked the Oracle of the time (good ol' Dad), and } he said to me: } } GOOD OL' DAD (Jimmy Stewart/Darth Vader) } } You, you, you must go to the top of Mt Filberg in the Himalayas } and talk to that nice old man Master Liao Tse Sto Ree, and beg } him to tutor you. Yeah, that's the way... } } N: So, I climbed the mountain, and there he sat: Liao Tse. This guy } had long (I mean LOOOOOOOOOOONG) hair pulled back into a sort of } ponytail, except it was in the front. He was wearing those mondo- } cool John Lennon shades, and he way playing five (yeah, FIVE) } fluets. One in each hand, one with each foot, and one with his } prodigious male member. } } [fade to scenes of the young Oracle practicing a fluet] } } N: I spent three millenia up on that mountain, until I could play that } fluet with my bowel movements. Then, I pushed that old fart out of } my way, went back to school, passed my class (and in doing so, kill- } ed three of my MT 666 professors), and went out for a pizza with } Ares and Heracles. } } } So, get yourself a good fluet and a ticket to the Himalayas. } } You owe the Oracle a good reason why this answer is worse than ANYTHING } Dan "the major pain-in-the-ass" Man EVER wrote. --- 177-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is "Don't have a cow, man!" supposed to mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Just what it says, numbskull. It is asking you to stop ranching, which } is highly environmentally unsound, and take up some other, more decent, } occupation , like perhaps skiing or playing tennis. It is a call to } give up the Seven Deadly Sins, the dread "Cow of Hell who shall } Deflocculate the Evildoers" in the apocryphal Book of Alternative } Revelations, and take up the path of righteousness, good cooking, and } good sex. --- 177-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty and wise Oracle, whose wondrous eyes can perceive more > than even Newton's first telescope, what ever became of th Hubble > Space Telescope, and why haven't I heard anything about it recently? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, this is truly an embarrassment to the Oracle! } } Shortly after its deployment, control of the telescope was seized by } two of The Oracle's disciples, who shall remain nameless. Their goal } was to spy on Lisa, videotape some of her numerous encounters, and } sell the tapes at exhorbinant prices to horny bald guys throwing stag } parties. } } Luckily for Lisa, (but unluckily for the scientific community) they } inadvertantly focused in on Tammy Fae Bakker's back yard while she was } sunbathing in the nude. The resulting strain on the complex } apparatus, which was meant to record the beauties of deep space, not } the ugliest things on Earth, was too much. The multi-million-dollar } mirrors have been permanently warped out of focus. } } NASA has now regained control of the useless scope, but must come up } with some suitable explanation for the public. As you might imagine, } reaction from security freaks and born-again Christians could hurt } NASA's budget. They'll probably just chalk it up to human error. } } You owe The Oracle a 12" reflector and a tape of "Debbie Does Dallas." --- 177-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Please tell me a way of passing exams without studying And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Put the examination on the floor. } } Tiptoe to one side of the examination. Very quietly. No, I mean *very } very* quietly. If you make the slightest noise, the exam will wake up } and it will come and force you to answer question after fucking question } about the influence of doric columns on the spanish revolution and how } to integrate fruitflies and how to translate the crab nebula into german } and why the capital of the belgian congo is currently located in zaire } adn YOU WON'T KNOW ANY OF THE FUCKING ANSWERS AND YOU WILL COMPLETELY } SCREW UP AND THE TEST WILL EAT YOU SNAP SNAP AND YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO } SAY "GEE, I WISH I'D STUDIED A LITTLE BIT" BEFORE YOU ARE DEAD, DEAD, } DEAD and serve you right. } } You owe the Oracle a B+ --- 177-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Alas, dear Oracle! I returned home last night to find Emilia lying in a > crumpled heap of petticoats and polyhedra collapsed on the divan, with a > feather-duster in her hand, and in the salon were Esmirelda and Sir > Fortesque-Smythe, in a state of mutual dissipation, engaged in an > activity that I cannot describe save that it involved a 18-by-18 board > with black and white dots placed upon it so that each dot was in four > squares. I could not face them; I fled back into my coach, and spent > the night hunting quail upon the dark and stinking moor. But soon, soon > I must return; what should I do, and where shall I get the strength to > do what must be done? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At last, an easy question to answer. The answer is simple: Return } home, leave the coach afar down the drive, and quietly enter the house } armed with some vicious poetical devices. Grab Emilia woughly around } the waist and drag her into the salon while reciting the first verse of } E. A. Poe's 'The Raven'. (Notice the Surprise on Esmireldas and } Smythes' face!!). Plonk Emilia upon the Gomoku board, ensuring the } playing pieces are scattered in a rough Mandelbrot pattern and then whip } out your prized piece of weaponry - La Mort d'Arthur. I know by now you } must be saying 'But where do I find the strength to recite such a } powerful piece of prose?!'. Look into yourself and check your shirt } pockets, the answer lies within us all. As a finale to your triumphant } retort, produce the quail from the moor served sauteed upon a bed of } crisp chinese moss. I assure you your victims will be speechless. } } - Oracle =:-/ } } ( You owe the Oracle one taco filled with minced quail ) --- 177-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, most wise, I need help. > > I am in my bedroom. A woman with big biker thighs is wearing a leather > teddy, jack boots and a German officers hat while goosestepping around > the bed. What does this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Obviously, you have had the fortunate (or unfortunate) pleasure of } meeting Helga Hipperschmitt, the East German Olympic Mud Wrestling } Champion. You see, Helga defected to the United States earlier this } year, and she is attempting to emulate our culture by mimicking what } she sees on television. The only problem is, her set only picks up } the Playboy Channel and old Disney reruns. Just give her time, and } maybe let her borrow your set, and she might straighten out. } } You owe the Oracle a six-year subscription to Penthouse and Helga's } address. --- 177-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, most wise and witles..er..witty, are Nazi fascists > trying to take over the country? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Diss is de magnificent und wunderbar Orakle spreching. Let uss, } in our suprheme vissdom, assure you zat you are unter no threat } vutsoever from ze party of ze true Aryan Nation. None at all. } Ve, err... zat is zey, are NOT planning any attacks of any sort } in an attempt to destabilize ze American geopolitical agenda. } Especially not one at 9:45 on ze evenink of zis July 4 at ze Washington } Monument with 10,000 gallons of cream cheese, a 1000 tons of lox and 1 } million bagels all fired from a U-boat from ze bottom of the Potomac. } Zey will not be responzible for ze ensuing chaos and ze fact zat Israel } will be blamed for zis incident. It iss not zeyr fault zat zis will } prompt an attack on Israel by Saddam Hussein of Iraq vid larhge scale } nuklear veapons. Israel will be anhillated leading to a great deal of } social strife in New York because Wall Street vill lose 69% of it's } bankers, Broadway vill have to do vithout 83% of its songwriterss, und } dere vill be no more Gilbert Gottfried specials on HBO becoss dey vill } all be gon to fight ze Arabs for nuking zeyr Jewish brethren. And you } can be sure zat ze one true party of ze Aryan peoples, brilliant in ze } light of...err ze Nazis vill NOT take advantage of zis chaos to make } Jesse Helms President of ze Country and ensure ze preeminence of our } peoples and ze systematic genocide of ALL inferior races. } You may calm yourzelf knowing zat zis vill not happen. } } --------------------EMERGENCY MESSAGE!!!!!!----------------------------- } } HELP! THE NET HAS BEEN OVERRUN BY SQUAREHEADED MEN IN BLACK } ARMBANDS AND LIEDERHOSEN. THEY ARE HOLDING US CAPTIVE AND TORURING US } ONE BY ONE, FORCING US TO EAT WARM SAUERKRAUT AND THEN SLEEP WITH GERMAN } WOMEN WHO DON'T SHAVE WHILST THEY SING THE HORST WESSEL SONG. ANYBODY } READING THIS MUST NOTIFY THE FEDERAL AUTHORITIES AS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } Er, zat iss all from your teacher und vriend, ze Orakle. } } Sieg Heil!! } } You owe ze Orakle mint jelly und one kopy of Mein Kampf. --- 177-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have pondered this problem for quite a while. There is an > insignificant child who likes to call himself the SCORPION who is trying > to destroy my directory. The main problem is that he is very good > friends with the superuser! Please help me soon as I don't think I have > much time left. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me help you put your problem into perspective. } } Imagine sqashing enough hostess cup cakes together to form a ball } roughly the size of your sun. A benign Jykeon hair lice on the head of } Horace V. Cromwell has just got your cup-cake ball caught in one its } 137,000 eyes. In an attempt to rub out this newfound irritant, it moves } lazily with its front left hand, poking himself in roughly 82,000 of its } other eyes and distorting its viewing of an "I Love Lucy" rerun. Just } as Lucy falls down in a vat of grapes, the surrounding universe } gradually explodes into a black muck, which at its completion, dots the } "i" in "Goozvahdan delight" that Mabel scratches into her little order } pad. After she asks whether the gentleman wants soup or salad, and what } dressing, she goes back to give the order to the cook. Backing into the } swinging door, in one motion she rips off the page of the orderpad, and } sticks it into a vertical steel spike... piercing the dotted "i" in } "delight" right through the center. } } You exist in the hostess twinkie with the half a rat in the center. } } } For this gift of knowledge, you owe the oracle 22 years of self } flagelation and 7 years of sleep deprivation (not to be served } con-currently). --- 177-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I.B. Greed > 1256 3rd Av. > New York, NY 10078 > > July 2, 1990 > > Usenet Oracle > Oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > > Dear Sir: > > This is to inform you that my client, Apollo of Olympus, is filing suit > against you in the Ninth Circuit Court of the United States, on the > grounds of your deliberate infringement on His copyright on the > appearance and command-set interface of the Delphic Oracle. > > Obviously, we were under no obligation to inform you of this directly; > you will, after all, be receiving court documents with full details > shortly. We just wanted to make you squirm that much earlier. Because > after the recent successful lawsuit by Lotus Software, we feel you > haven't got a SnoCone's (tm) chance in hell. > > As long as you're quivering anyway, you might wish to consider my > client's terms for an out-of-court settlement: $58.6 billion and 75 > percent of your future net profits. I'd go for it if I were you. The > longer you wait, the higher it's going to be. > > Bwahahahahahahahah. > > Sincerely, > > I.B. Greed > Greed, Greed, Jubelier and Greed > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I regret to inform you, Mr I B Greed, that due an, cough, unknown hacker } your file has been deleted from the IRS and this same, cough, unknown } person caused the designation for termination by any and all government } agents, including police. Watch your back! } } You owe the oracle nothing, this information is provided freely and with } not a small amount of pleasure --- 177-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is true stress? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } True stress is when you have invited the vicar over, and he's supposed } to arrive in half an hour and the cook has cut the cucumbers too thick } for cucumber sandwiches, only when she tries to cut them in half they } come out too thin and look ever so sloppy, and Fifi is sitting on the } settee in the parlor and scratching as if she has fleas and might just } very well leave some of them on the settee and give them to the vicar if } he should chance to sit upon the settee, only the butler is off } polishing his shoes and the gardner is too grubby to even so much as } look at the settee, much less touch it. } } And then you discover that your white gown is half an inch too short, } and your blue gown is half an inch too long, and the only one remaining } is the red one that looks as if you are some sort of loose woman, but } you haven't any choice and the vicar is *sure* to inquire about it. } } And then the butler comes in and he must have polished the soles of his } shoes, as they leave black footprints on the floor and on the oriental } rug, and it's not to be endured. } } And then the cook announces that there are no currants for the scones, } and should she make due with sultanas, or could the gardner be sent to } town to get some currants if you don't mind having the scones a little } late, and by the way there's only salted butter, no fresh, so maybe the } gardner had better be sent to town for that even if it will take him } longer, and by the way Fifi got into the cream cake and sat in it, and } went hopping around the kitchen leaving little creamy footsteps, and so } there won't be any cream cake for the vicar even though everyone knows } that it's his favorite, and there's no helping it at all. } } And then Fifi comes into the parlor, still covered with cream, and sits } on the blue chaise lounge and starts licking her hinder parts just as if } she weren't absolutely ruining the rug and the lounge and her dear } beloved mistress' party all at the same time, and the cook goes to pick } the poor dear up, and she trips on the rug which you had lifted to see } the extent of the damage, and she flounders wildly into the Ming vase to } the right of the fireplace, and it falls over and smashes a crystal } decanter of port into tiny shards, and a tiny chip breaks off of the } mouth of the vase, and the cook has a black eye, and Fifi gives a little } shriek and jumps up and runs across the room leaving more footprints of } cream, and the cook is too upset to clean up the decanter before she } goes and puts a slice of beefsteak on her eye, so the room shall smell } of port when the vicar comes in. } } And the gardner has just changed his clothes, and he comes in to move } the *settee* rather than the lounge, and when you finally tell him to } move the *lounge* rather than the settee, and bring one or two of the } chairs from the library, and he does, and then he sits on the settee and } you notice that he's forgotten to change his jacket, and now the settee } will smell faintly of perspiration as well as probably having fleas. } } But there's no helping it, for now the doorbell is ringing and you go to } answer it and it's not the vicar, but three Denebian slime devils who } have crash-landed their flying saucer in the back yard, and now they } want to use the hyperspace radio and if they can't they'll just have to } eat everyone in the household and then turn them into mindless slaves } and sell them beyond the Dark Nebula, only it's the nineteenth century } and you haven't got a hyperspace radio, but the butler comes out and } engages the slime devils in a bit of an imbroglio. } } And then the vicar arrives, punctual as always, and finds your house in } total disorder. That's stress. } } The Oracle has stressed out. You owe the Oracle a stress-pill.