From kinzler Sun Jul 1 19:14:41 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 1 Jul 90 19:00:42 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #175 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 175 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #175 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 1 Jul 90 19:00:42 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 170 11 votes 01343 21341 25220 12323 30413 36200 34301 16310 12530 04412 170 2.8 mean 3.8 3.1 2.4 3.4 3.1 1.9 2.3 2.4 2.9 3.1 --- 175-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I fuck a duck > A duck I fuck > Will fuck of duck > Bring me good luck? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm afraid not. } } You see, the hardcopy of your question blew out of the window yesterday } (I've got a bit of a backlog at the moment), and when I arrived at my } office this morning, I found the following people waiting for me: } } 1. A very agitated Moral Majority member, who wanted to know what this } FILTH was doing on the net, and who was going to PROTECT the } INNOCENT, PURE young people of this GREAT NATION from this PERVERTED, } SATANIST, LIBERAL TRASH. Obviously, he was going to call several } congressmen and demand that the Usenet be immediately PURGED and } placed under censorship. } } 2. Two even more agitated members of the society for prevention of } cruelty to animals, who wanted to know what could be done to protect } these poor birds from this bestial behaviour, and who wanted your } address so they could castrate you and flay you alive ("No punishment } is too harsh for those degraded people who torment poor innocent } animals just for their own perverted pleasure") } } 3. Three police officers with a search warrant. (Did you know what you } did is a criminal offence in at least 38 states? Amazing. Where you } live, the maximum penalty is apparently 20 years imprisonment) } } You don't owe the Oracle anything. } The Oracle wishes you good luck. You'll probably need it. --- 175-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi there, Oracle, sir! When will the Space Pirates raid Atlantis? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. Obviously a worthwhile question. It will require some pondering. } While you are waiting, I shall pipe in a real-time conversation for your } eavesdropping pleasure. } } > So, like, what are you doing tonight? } > Well, you know, I've got this really big date with that hunk from } > geography class. } > That GEEK? He must be the only person who passed that last test. } > Omigod. Like how am *I* supposed to know those stupid capitals that } > no-one ever visits, like, lam, lind, limberger, right? } > London. } > Well, I was close. Jeez, you'd think that it was like George Bush, } > the education president, was in the class watching us or something. } > I don't care. I'm in love. } > Yeah, well you would be at a time like this. I'm just starting to } > get noticed by the guy of my dreams, and all you can talk about is } > your been-every-where geek. You call him interesting? Mine has long, } > flowing hair. } > He has lice. } > And he wears a lot of leather. } > One day it will beso hot, you'll hug him and you won't be able to let } > go. } > And he has his own motorcycle. } > No, it's a motorSCOOTER. I have one of those too, big deal. } > Oh, and I suppose your geek has his own private plane so that he can } > go to all those places like Spam. } > That's Spain. } > Whatever. } > Well fine, you just keep on seeing him, and the day you melt into his } > leather don't come scooting back too me saying you're sorry. I don't } > need another guilt trip, you know. I already have my mom, my dad, my } > step-mom, and my step-dad and my little brother. I don't need a guilt } > trip from my ex-best friend too. } > Well, fine. I hope I never see you on the Internet again, or else } > I'll send worms to your screen. } > You wouldn't. } > Uh huh. And I'll start wrapping that dumb operator around my pinky, } > and get him to kill all of your processes. You'd never get a single } > thing done on this machine ever. } > Fine. I hope I never see you again. } > Good. } > Oh and by the way, you just reminded me that we need garbage bags and } > dirt for the phicus. Don't forget. } > [Connection closed. Exiting.] } } Well, wasn't that fun! Right on time. I have the answer. "When pigs } fly." Using darwin's thoeries of evolution and the mathematical models } only I could have created, it should be in about 50 years, 3 months, 14 } days. Give or take 5 months, the gestation period for the flying pig. } } You owe the oracle a detailed map of the world, in Chinese, to be } delivered by the cutest guy in your class riding a flying pig. --- 175-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > so whatever happened to the little boy who used to say "strawberries" on > the old Breyers ice cream ads? is he dead yet or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He died of eating strawberries and drinking milk at the same time in } 1986, and from being stabbed by a mugger in Central Park while he was } walking his little poodle Muffin in 1987. } } In 1988, he was: } - killed by a meteor while visiting his dying aunt in San Jose, } - strangled by a tequila-crazed Mexican electrical engineer in San } Antonio, and } - bludgeoned to death when the butler at his family's estate mistook } him for a sixty-foot-tall invading slime monster from Mars. } } 1989 was a particularly bad year. } - He died of AIDS which he contracted from a piece of fan mail; } - He died of cancer which he contracted from a television commercial } advertising tobacco, which is a known carcinogen. } - He died of a broken leg. This could have been prevented. He } dismissed it as just a simple cold and did not see the doctor until } it was *too* *fucking* *late*. } - He mistakenly drank the bowl of hydrocyanic acid that his mother had } set out to poison the cockroaches; } - He was swimming in his family's pool in Kennebunkport, and a slimy } green tentacle reached up from the drain and pulled him down, to the } terrified screams of his little sister, just before she was eaten by } his little poodle Muffin. } - He was kidnapped by Iranian Quaker fundamentalists, who nailed him } to a wall in a mosque and fed him only bean sprouts and tofu. They } haven't killed him yet, though they say they won't release him until } he gains two hundred and fifty pounds and grows a long beard. } - He was also fed some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups containing tarantula } eggs, which hatched in his throat as he was eating them, and then } they ate him up from the inside. } - The cook at the local Denny's restaurant thought he was a potato and } made him into some delicious, just-like-home hash browns (though } there is a good deal of suspicion that the cook was on orders from } higher-ups at Denny's to eliminate him -- but there has been NO } Federal investigation of the matter. We suspect a cover-up. } Senator DeNounies has strong connections to the Denny's chain.) } } So far, 1990 isn't shaping up to be much better: } - He died of Tortellini's Syndrome, a rare disorder of the hair and } fingernails which is invariable fatal, which he contracted from } eating un-thermoclined apples. } - He died of a toothache. This, too, could have been prevented. It } was the doctor's mistake. The doctor confused it with Linguini's } Syndrome, a rare disorder of the ovaries and vagina which is } lark's tongues. The toothache invariably aphrodisiac, a disease } which is contracted from eating was not treated until far too late, } and he died in agony on the dentist's chair. } - He was eaten by dragons, because he stuck his head out from under } the sheets when he *knew* that there were hungry, man-eating dragons } under his bed. } - He was struck by a De-Pulmonizer beam from an orbiting Glortron } Death Saucer, which reduced him to a pool of amorphous slime barely } able to ooze around under his own power. His parents then mistook } him for a shoggoth, and threw him into the fireplace. } - Muffin was bitten by a rabid squirrel, and in turn bit him when he } went to cuddle the cute little animal. He died of rabies, tetanus, } and polio the next day. } } (Hint: do not, under any circumstances, allow your children to perform } in commercials. It is far, far too dangerous.) } } The Oracle has thought like Edward Gorey and Gary Larson. You owe the } Oracle a date with a bisexual woman with long red hair, who wants to get } involved in a FFM trio. --- 175-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How tall was Wm. Shakespeare? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A mere moment's pondering of thy question was } all requisite to see it to be without relevance. } Is a man's measure to be reckoned in inches and feet, } leaving naught but numbers to speak of his stature? } Were it to say he is taller than an oak, } would that suffice? Or 'twere that he were shorter than } Lisa's cur, who oft crawls through the tiny passages } 'neath this domicile, would that reduce the greatness of } him? Of what possible import could such an enumeration bear? } Get thee to a life, scoundrel! My time shall be wasted no } more upon thy impertinent request. } } Thou owest the Oracle complete blueprint of the Globe Theatre. --- 175-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > how can i repell all the horndog freshman cs user geek boys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Smear your face with slimy goo, } Shave your head, your eyebrows too, } Have your arms and legs removed, } And they will be repelled. } } Have your teeth pulled from your face } And made into a neck-a-lace, } And wear it with no style or grace, } And they will be repelled. } } Eat three cans of garlic beans, } Add some salt pork, extra lean, } And vomit on the carpeting, } And they will be repelled. } } } Or, alternately, you could buy a can of "ORACLE (tm) Brand Horndog CS } User Geek Boy Repellent Spray." But that's no challenge. --- 175-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What would happen if you were to spread tuna fish on a satan worshipper > like DAn Regan? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ahhhhh...at long last a question which makes sense, for, haven't we all } wondered what happens when seafood and evil deity worship are blended } into one act. Well, mortal, this shall prove to be a most satisfying } quest for knowledge. } } You see, satan worshippers have an inherently higher surface temperature } than the average human being, and therefore have trouble when swimming } (they generate lots of fog), sleeping (have you ever tried to purchase } asbestos sheets?), and eating (plastic tableware melts, metal heats up } and burns the food, and Corning hasn't gotten around to designing safe } glass flatware yet). However, satan worship does have its good points, } especially in the area of seafood rituals. } } Spreading tunafish on a satan worshipper has two results: } } 1) The satanist in question will transmogrify into an exact replica } of his patron demon. Looking at the list here, is appears that } DAn Regan will becom a double for Al'Ahazmid'beggirmazar'immamin'- } rolmockinsheg'chchch'noddiframmitz'al'ahaxenzhir. Alhaxenzhir } (as it prefers to be called in the company of us Immortals) appears } in the form of three conservative congressmen attached to the body } of Zsa-Zsa Gabor, except that they all have green, pus-covered sores } where their eyes should be, and long tongues instead of genitals, } plus the traditional horns, hooves, and forked tails that are _STILL_ } in fashion in the Netherworld. Luckily, Alhaxenzhir will just eat } the nearest ugly sofa, burp loudly (so much for your ceiling), and } then rape one of your cousins before returning DAn to his human } state. Not too horrible, as patron demons go. } } 2) You will get a tuna-melt sandwich. } } So, depending, I suppose, on how much you really like your cousins } Filbert and Matilda, and if you need to get rid of a couch or two, } spreading tunafish on DAn Regan could be seen as a Smart Move[TM]. } } You owe the Oracle a tuna-melt. --- 175-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I would like to know why Meech Lake failed, if you don't know what Meech > Lake is then you show an extreme ignorance of your great neighbour to > the North and I would recommend you read back issues of U.S.A. Today > for info. Also, why is my dick shrinking? Any relation to Meech Lake? > Signed > The (Un)Honourable Prime Minister > Brian Mulrouney And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Meech Lake failed because it is utterly ludicrous to give a member } of a confederacy special status. Your dick is shrinking because } that is what is going to happen to your country if you don't do your } job. Also, being omniscient I know everything. It is presumptous } for you to suggest otherwise. } } You owe the Oracle special constitutional status. --- 175-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey Oracle, good buddy! Why is it that Americans can't speak proper > English? > > For instance, the other day I explained to a Texan friend that I'd been > "severely pissed" the previous evening. I, of course, meant that I'd > had a pint or three of Guinness too many; but my transatlantic friend > insisted on giving me a lecture on "self confidence building and anxiety > control." > > Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber in an American > stationary shop? > > Yours, > > A confused British xenophobe. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The answer, of course, is that the British and the Americans do not } speak the same language (a body of words and systems common to the } people of the same community or nation). } } The danger is that they think they do. } } The Oracle trusts that your severe state of pissedness has righted } itself. } } > Also have you ever tried asking for a rubber in an American } > stationary shop? } ^^^^^^^^^^ } Also, the Oracle must chastise you do referring to a shop which is } unmoving and not describing the goods sold in it. Perhaps you were } referring to a stationery shop? --- 175-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and ambidextrous Oracle, whose body odor is the > wonder of all universes: > > What is the reason God torments us with such plagues as Dan Quayle, > peanut butter that sticks to the roof of ones mouth, UNIX, and > toe cheese? > > Is there something we could do (or not do) that would save us from > such suffering? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is but one thing we can do to ease our suffering: } } +---------------------------------------------+ } | Picture Dan Quayle hacking in UNIX, having | } | mistaken toe cheese for peanut butter and | } | trying to get it off the roof of his mouth. | } +---------------------------------------------+ } } Ahhhhhh. You owe the Oracle a cool drink. --- 175-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that most men suffer a complete loss if personality when > exposed in any manner to a computer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In order to explain this I must detail the story of creation... } } In the beginning there was a Computer. And God said to the computer } % vi creation.c } He then wrote the universe, and compiled it and it was good. } And God ran it in background, and saw that it was good. He } then noticed that the Universe was eating CPU time and tried } to kill it, so that he could do his important work, which } was to determine the Ultimate Question of Life the Universe } and Everything. The Operating System had a glitch and the } Universe could not be kill -9'd. } } It came to pass that a lady friend of His wanted to visit } with Him. He snarled at her for the interuption. Then Man, } being made in His image, forever duplicated this when being } interupted by women while he was working on a computer. } } That is why men react poorly when being interupted on the } computer. It is a Divine trait. } } You owe the Oracle the source code for the Universe.