From kinzler Sat Jun 30 13:20:43 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 30 Jun 90 13:01:33 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #174 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 174 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #174 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 30 Jun 90 13:01:33 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 169 12 votes 23421 54111 15411 12351 13332 15411 24600 05214 11433 03342 169 2.9 mean 2.8 2.1 2.7 3.3 3.2 2.7 2.3 3.3 3.5 3.4 --- 174-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dude, > Like I see this chick, and say "Yo Baby Yo Baby Yo", dig? > and she say, "Hey man, git!" > So I go "Foxy lady, don't hold your nose so high, it might block the > sun" > She pops me one for saying dat. > What do I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You defloccularize the prasadules, co-incline beyond the fung, and dreg } like blazes! You gotta get out of there, man, before the doom poodle } bites you! --- 174-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Johnny Nash really a reggae artist, or simply a pretender? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither, actually. He was a dentist. The story of how he came to } be a famous the world over as a reggae singer, when in reality he'd } never even heard of reggae (though he had caught part of a ska song } once while flipping past radio stations in his car, looking for the } all-news station), much less performed any songs, is quite a remarkable } one. It all started one day several years ago.... } } < blur fade squiggle blur > } } [The scene is a dentist's office. A teenaged girl is lying in the } chair, having a cavity drilled. Dr. Nash is using nitrous oxide as an } anaesthetic.] } } Dr. Nash: We'll be done with this in a minute, and then we can get } the filling in. You feeling okay? } Girl: AaAAGHh Wirrngh. } Dr. Nash: Good. } } [Meanwhile, inside the girl's head...] } } Dr. Nash: Excuse me while I remove the sunlight from your veins. I'm } Bob Marley, you know. Tweet! Meow! } Girl: Bob Marley! You aren't dead! I'm your biggest fan, you make } my teeth dance and sing! } Dr. Nash: I know. Hold still, I'm going to bring peace to the world } and bleed dynamite. } Girl: Hahahahahahahahahahahahah! } Dr. Nash: [Begins tapdancing on instrument tray.] } } [Back in the real world, sometime later, the girl is talking with her } friend.] } } Girl: So, I was on nitrous, and it was like Johnny Nash was Bob } Marley! } Friend 1: Groovy. } } [Later still, the friend is talking to another friend...] } } Friend 1: So she said that Johnny Nash was Bob Marley. Cool, huh? } Friend 2: Wow. } } [Still later, the second friend is talking to a third friend...] } } Friend 2: Johnny Nash is Bob Marley or Jimmy Cliff or somebody like } that. } Friend 3: I've heard of them. They're reggae stars or something, } right? } Friend 2: Yeah. I think so. } } < blur squiggle fade blur > } } So you can see where this all led. Pretty soon it was all over town } that Dr. Johnny Nash was an incognito reggae star. His clientele } changed; lots of people with weird stringy hairdos and colorful caps } came into his office and offered him "ganja". He was invited to perform } at benefit concerts; he always politely refused, noting that he was a } dentist and not a performer, but the invitations kept coming. } } Eventually, he became extremely depressed and committed suicide by } overdosing himself with novacaine. Just shows you what terrible things } rumors can be. --- 174-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that there are a pair of lovers secretly communicating via > the Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no, Harold, we've been found out, what do we do now? } } I don't know, Andrew. Quick, let's hide in the closet...together. --- 174-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > For that matter, *is* bondage weird and gross and unnatural, or just > disgusting and sexy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bondage is weird and sexy. I love it. } I have,in fact, composed a song about it. } _Ode to Bondage_ } } If I had a silk scarf } I'd tie you in the morning } I'd tie you in the evening } All over this land } I'd tie you to bedposts } I'd tie you to meat hooks } I'd tie you for love between my mother and my sister } All over this land } } If I had a ball gag } I'd gag you in the morning } I'd gag you in the evening } All over this land } I'd gag you in the bathtub } I'd gag you in the toilet } I'd gag you for love between my mother and my sister } All over this land } } If I had a padlock } I'd lock you in the morning } I'd lock you in the evening } All over this land } I'd lock you to the bookcase } I'd lock you to the waterbed } I'd lock you for love between my mother and my sister } All over this land } } Well, I've got a silk scarf } And I've got a gag } And I've got a lock-and-chain } All over this land } It's the scarf of freedom } It's the gag of justice } It's the lock of hair between my mother and my sister } All over this land! } ------- } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Posey catalog. --- 174-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are people such prudes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I dunno, it annoys me too! You want to tell your buddies } and fellow bus-passengers how you humped a monkey the other } night and suddenly they're all red and angry and looking } the other way. At my birthday, it was me, two llamas, } Marla Maples, a trampoline and a snorkel, and god-damn if } I could keep my mother on the phone the next day! Hey, I } like what I like -- and if I want to put Rice Krispies up } my butt, well then I can. They're MY Krispies and it's MY butt } and if I HAPPEN to have the ability to suck milk into my } rectum then that SNAP, CRACKLE, POPPING in my large } intestine is MY god-given right. } } You owe the Oracle a cereal spoon. A really COLD one. --- 174-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Should I plan to stay up all night writing on my thesis, or should I > try to get a few hours of sleep? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm...I think, given the con?%?$$??$% } 8**&^^%^% } &**___ } Oracle: internal error #65412326 at 0xff76898abe2ef298fe10: SIQBORED } caught. } } >> What?? Who said that? Where? Oh my God (if he exists; let's not } >> get into a religious debate, should we?)! } } Oracle: emergency recovery procedure taking place } Core dumped. Damn! Let's try again... } } Oracle: emergency recovery procedure taking place } Aborting! } } Sinking ship... glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug glug drown } Rebooting Oracle... } Oracle Release 987621.4.5.567.1.2: Mon Jan 1 00:00:00 BOT 0 (Beginning } of Time) } Copyright (c) 0 by God (who may or may not exist), Inc. } mem = infinite } avail mem = just a smidgen less } local daemons: satand. } preserving editorial files } clearing /the/shelves } standard daemons: askmed tellmed gremlind. } Oracle ready to answer questions. } == } I think, given the context, that the purple spotted aardvark is almost } certainly a better buy than the pink striped nose vole. In the epic } work by Fred Sminkleman, "Aardvarks: a misunderstood nasal cleanser?", } we find in volume 23, chapter 378, page 27563 the legendary quote: } } "Many times have I been asked questions about whether to write } more on a thesis or whether to go to bed. Given the discussion } in the previous volumes, I think that the only sensible answer is } to point out that the purple spotted aardvark is almost certainly } a better buy than the pink striped nose vole. Any other conclusion } is obviously both infeasible, and also downright stupid." } } If you have a spare 62 years, I heartily recommend the reading of the } full five thousand volumes; I can't remember offhand, but I think the } book may now be out of print. Check with a local book store for } availability. --- 174-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I should meet a girl who claims she is a particular net.goddess, > how can I be sure she is telling the truth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Any unix guru will tell you to finger her. } } You owe the oracle a daemon to answer his phone calls. --- 174-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are people apparently more concerned about a symbol of America > (ie, the Flag) rather than what is actually of value in America > (ie, rights, freedoms, quality of life)? > > Thanks O Oracle! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Citizen 256-57-8653 has developed a malfunction! } } You ought to be ashamed of yourself questioning Big Sibling! } Rights are irrelevant. Freedom is irrelevant. Life is irrelevant. } To reward your intellectual curiosity some gentlemen will show } up at your house in 45 seconds to escort you to a Vogon Poetry } Appreciation Class. If you survive this, you shall be granted } a session with the net.demonness for additional reeducation. } } You owe the Oracle your free will. --- 174-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is this a question sufficiently difficult that you cannot answer it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, you blasphemous fool!! How dare you taunt the great and mighty } Oracle! May your programs all core dump. May your Word Perfect eat } your thesis. May all your articles get flamed. May Xibo like you. May } your every last file become corrupted by the change in the magnetic } force whenever your favorite underwire bra comes near your disks. May } you rot like the insolent pond scum bacteria you are. What was the } question again? --- 174-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So how are you sure you're not my brother? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sure I'm not your sister, } Cause I'm in New Haven, mister, } And I'm sure I'm not your granny, } 'Cause I really have a knife; } I'm sure I'm not your brother, } 'Cause I've got a long-haired lover, } But you go and ask yer father, } And I'm sure he;ll set you right