From kinzler Wed Jun 27 16:23:22 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 27 Jun 90 16:06:37 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #173 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 173 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #173 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 27 Jun 90 16:06:37 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 168 8 votes 23201 12041 04220 12212 13211 41111 11321 22220 32120 15011 168 2.7 mean 2.4 3.3 2.8 3.1 2.8 2.3 3.1 2.5 2.3 2.5 --- 173-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O is for the many things you've told me, > R is for the happiness you bring, > A is for your writing style so splendid, > C is for the songs you love to sing, > L is for your knowledge and good senses, > E is for your stature oh so tall, > Put them all together and they spell ORACLE, > The greatest net.being of them all! > > Okay, now how much do I get paid for that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } T is for owl tripes encased in lung jelly } H is for horse shit, quite old and quite smelly } E for three elephants, with five legs all told } S for a new set of teeth made of gold, } E is an eggplant all covered in green mold } } V is my virginity, a wee bit soiled and tattered } E's a plate of eels and shrimp, both lightly fried and battered } R is a rocket to send you to Venus } S is a shiny shellacked pseudo-penis } E is an eagle to shit on your shoulder } S is a sex slave, for when you get older. --- 173-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many rods must a woman stroke down > Before she can keep her a man? > Yes, and how many times must she teach him to sail > Before they can hump in the sand? > Yes, and how many times can she unzip his fly > Before she's forever banned? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Knight of Rods must a woman stroke down, } Before she can keep her a man. } The Two of Cups must she teach him to sail, } Before they can hump in the sand. } The Nine of Swords, as she unzips his fly, } Will leave her forever banned, } But the Queen of the Pentacles, clad in the sky: } That is the fate that is planned. --- 173-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise and wonderful Oracle, whose breath defies description, > whose words of wisdom, if collected and written down would most > assuredly would fill at least a post card, please answer my humble > query: > Why can't I get a date with the cute girl at the next > terminal? I ask her every day, but she still says no. I've even > killed her former boyfriend, but she still won't consent. What should > I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here are some possibly helpful suggestions. } } 1. Get rid of your own boyfriends, at least the ones wearing studded- } leather choke collars and whips in their belts who come and flog you } for fun right there in the terminal room. } } 2. [This has been deleted on the grounds of obscenity.] } } 3. Make sure that your tongue is in your mouth and your penis inside } your pants the next time she sees you. Last time it was kind of the } other way around. } } 4. Take the octopus off your head. } } 5. That tie has got to go to. *nothing* with exposed penises on it will } do at this stage of the chase. Contrary to popular opinion, that } particular organ does not drive women crazy with desire merely by } sight. } } 6. While you're at it, you'd best lose about seven hundred pounds. } Right now, the most lustful thought she's likely to think about you } is that you'd crush her if you were on top. } } 7. Wear a rubber. All the time. } } You owe the Oracle the text of way #2. I didn't get to see it before } Kinzler deleted it. --- 173-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, how would you like it if someone came up to you and called you a > pornographer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Under the circumstances it would not worry me unduly: As a cursory } glance at oracularities will tell you, I am a pornographer. I also } would not object to being called a pimp, as I think my dealings with } Lisa could be fairly construed in this manner. } } *****WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING WARNING ****** } } *********FEMINISM DETECTED IN SYSTEM*********** } } THE ORACLE PROGRAM HAS BEEN INFECTED WITH A FEMINIST VIRUS. THIS } SERVICE WILL SHUT UNTIL VIRUS CAN BE NEUTRALISED. } } Do not attempt to contact the Oracle for a period of 7 days unless } you want your sexual politics liberated. } } **SHUTTING DOWN IUVAX** } } Disconnected, drop in control signal --- 173-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and wonderful Oracle, whose praises are too numerous to state ... > actually, that's not strictly true, 'cause I can't actually think of any > at the moment ... > > Is Henry Cate III a daemon? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Okay. I admit it. You don't have to badger me. } } THE ORACLE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR WRITING A "DIGESTIFY" MACRO THAT POSTS } FREQUENTLY TO REC.HUMOR!!! } } H - Handy } e - Electronic } n - Null-terminating } r - Recursive } Y - Yell-reducing } } C - Coded } a - Automatic } t - Telecommunications } e - Editor } } III - Version 3 } } You owe the oracle all the jokes you have with the word "snail" in them. --- 173-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you like green eggs and ham? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do not like them, Sam I Am! } I do not like them in a boat } I do not like them down my throat } I do not like them in a car } I do not like them in a bar } I do not like them thrown at me } I do not like them served with pee } I do not like them on the grass } I do not like them up my ass } I do not like them on a train } I do not like them down the drain } I do not like them in a store } I do not like them with a whore } I do not like them highly spiced } I do not like them etherized } I do not like them in a sack } I do not like them on the rack } I do not like them with hard knocks } I do not like them with these shocks } I do not like them on an axe } I do not laaaaarr/ } } You owe the Oracle a new head. --- 173-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is the person who just types stuff like "alsdf" as the Oracle's > response, and what can we do about him/her? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to assume that such a person is an idiot. The only way to deal } with such an idiot is to wait for their stupidity to do give you a clue } as to their identity. This will probably happen by them accidentaly } leaving their signature on one of their replies, or accidentaly leaving } a name, or something of that sort. When this happens, it's time to get } even on these jerks. Go to a NeXT computer that supports voice mail. } (Meaning one with a microphone attached) Create a message that is as } close to 100K as you can get without going over. Then, send the idiot } 300 coppies of the message. It will take the moron for ever to boot up } his/her mail program. When they do, they will have 300 messages of } garbage. Note that it is very important that your messages don't get } over 100K, because then they will bounce back in your face, and you } could get to yourself what you sent to him. } So good luck. } Let's shut this bastard down!!!! --- 173-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a frend who is becoming Scottish. Can I cure him with bismuth > tablets? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yes, but there are easier methods. Just a second, let me look } through these Big Dusty Tomes of Arcane Knowledge... } } [insert sound of sixteen million pages flipping rapidly] } } AHA! } } A Curre for the Afflictionne of The Scot in Men } } 1) Place the afflicted person on a short stool which is painted red. } 2) Go get your tape player. } 3) Play every song Sheena Easton has ever recorded at full volume } directly into his left ear. Simultaneously, play "sound bites" } of Scotty (the misogynist from Star Trek) at full volume into } his right ear. } 4) Step three should take several hours. While this is going on, } make (or mail-order) five hundred clones of Jackie Stewart } (that annoying little twerp who color-commentaries ABC's auto } races). } 5) The subject's aural capacity should be burnt out by now, so } order the clones to all speak at once (while naked and in front } of the subject) "Wha, therrs a carr wi' los uv pahwer." } 6) Now execute the clones with bagpipes stuffed with explosives. } 7) Point out just how UGLY those kilts are. } 8) Lastly, pound the subject over the head with a halberd until he } is unconcious. WHen he wakes up, he'll be cured of his Scottish- } ness. } } Quite simple, no? And none of the awful side effects of bismuth } tablets. } } You owe the Oracle a GIF format picture of Sheena Easton without her red } dress. --- 173-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh vast and mighty Oraclular god-being, with whom I will never again > fuck, I wish to express my deep apologies for not addressing you with > due respect in my last question. I'm am extremely sorry, genuinely > remorseful, and filled with shame. I truly regret my behavior and wish > only to convey my honest wish that you might find it in your heart to > forgive me. > > That said, oh mighty one, I must ask: inappropriate as my mode of > address was, do you really feel it was necessary to send eight women to > flay off my genitalia with red-hot acid-drenched pokers? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, there are many senses of necessary. It was not, for example, } necessary in the philosophical sense of "inconceivable to be otherwise"; } I could have, and almost did, send fifteen squirrels to bite them off, } or perhaps I could have chosen a different punishment entirely, such as } causing your hair to secret a caustic acid. } } Neither was it necessary to maintain geopolitical stability. For this } purpose, a mere flogging at the hand of Igor Ligachev would have } sufficed. It was also not necessary (or sufficient) for the continued } survival of humanity, which I have pretty much given up on. Finally, it } was in no way necessary to allow me to sleep at night; I have Lisa for } that. } } However, we don't want the sun to go nova, do we? Not even a little } teeny solar flare to wipe out all life on earth, eh? So don't complain } about your genatalia and the red-hot pokers, boy. Just be glad you're } still alive. That sun can be mean sometimes. } } The oracle has covered its ass. You owe the Oracle a new roll of toilet } paper (to be delivered *before* the oracle had covered its ass and } gotten the ass-cover all gross.) --- 173-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the diff. between a wekk and a week? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A wekk is a wok full of wicks and of wax } A week is a geek with his Bics and his backs! } } A wekk likes to swim in the watery see, } But a week has to find a potty to wee! } } A wekk, like a wombat, wears a wide shell; } A week whines that combat is so much like a hell! } } A wekk has a waddle, a waiter, a wine; } A week has a bottle of bubbling brine!