From kinzler Mon Jun 18 15:53:03 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 15:45:32 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #170 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 170 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #170 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 15:45:32 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 165 12 votes 30522 03432 14232 12441 53130 25401 04431 05520 20433 22260 165 2.9 mean 3.0 3.3 3.1 3.2 2.2 2.4 3.1 2.8 3.4 3.0 --- 170-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are also asleep. How is it that you manage this? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In-Reply-To: UNIX:oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu's message of 06-12-90 } 17:16 } Rem: } } Hunh. Huh? Uh. Murf murf. Whazza ? } } } } Did someone say something? } } } } Hello? } } {soto voce}: I could have sworn I heard someone say something. Wait -- } I'll just turn on the ol' omniscience. Where did I put that? } } } } Yiy! Gotta remember to get a rug for this room. } Omniscience, omniscience. Here's omnipotence, omnibus, back issues of } Omni, a stuffed ornithologist. Wenny, Weedy, Weechy. Where the hell... } Omicron and Omega. No, we're not here. Gotta put this collection back } into alphabetical order. Someone's been messing with my ornithologist. } } Where was I? Omniscience. Why was I looking for omniscience. } Something... did I get a question? Must have been. Why else would I } get up at this hour... What was the question, though? Hmm. If I had } my omniscience, I'd know. } } } } And why is that little light blinking at me? } } } } Damn appliances. Power probably went out, and now it wants resetting. } } } } Ah. There's a message on the answering machine. } } {distorted}: "You are also asleep. How is it that you manage this?" } } {Bellowed}: YOU WOKE ME UP FOR THIS?!? WHERE DID I PUT THAT } OMNIPOTENCE! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS! AS IF THIS JOB WOULDN'T PUT ANYONE } TO SLEEP! } } } } } --- 170-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the inverse Laplace Transform of: > > 2 -15s 2 > 15s e + s -3s+4 > F(s) = --------------------- > 3 2 > 17s - 7s +3s-2 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Without denying you the enlightenment of figuring it out for yourself, I } will say this... } } The answer, in logs, is precisely as much as that fucking woodchuck } could chuck. } } Go for it. --- 170-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh bountiful cornocupia of all wisdom, answer your humble servant this > one question: > > Is Dan Quayle really a '65 DeSoto in drag? I didn't believe this > myself until a friend showed me pictures of the two, and damned if > that hubcap doesn't look *exactly* like the little dimple on his > right cheek. > > For that matter, how many other elected officials of ours are > actually disguised automobiles? Could Gary Hart have been a Ford > Pinto? (Lord knows he certainly exploded fast enough when his > nether regions were impacted upon.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Humble servant: That you believe Vice President Quayle to be of inhuman } origin is cause to question the usefullness of our working press. This } press that has castigated a man of such high intel- ligence, imagination } and good looks. Much the same as they positioned former President } Reagan as a drooling, incoherent asleep-at-the-wheel bufoon. } } The truth of the matter is that Quayle is little more than an Edsel. --- 170-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do condom packages give off a blue spark when you tear them open? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh-oh -- you are in for it now. Those little blue sparks are actually } micro-transmissions to the Sex Police informing them that someone is } fornicating without the benefit of marriage. If I were you, I'd keep it } reeled in for a couple of months. Also, that small spark is a sort of } miniature nuclear explosion, which 1) puts a hole in said prophylactic, } and 2) causes the offspring to have many interesting physical oddities. } } Oh, did you also know (hey! a free fact from the Oracle!) that condoms } also give off sparks if you crunch them -- no, wait, that's Pep-O-Mint } Lifesavers. Get that out of your mouth. } } You owe the Oracle a dissertation on static electricity and } piezo-electric effects. --- 170-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Mighty Oracle, please forward this to Barbara for me: > --------------- > Your Divine Suppleness, Dear Barbara. > > I must confess to you. I *did* deep down really want to have kinky > sex with you. Youe friend the Oracle has enlightened me. Believe me, > I didn't realize I had these unpleasant desires. > > I am so ashamed. Well, I guess it's only natural to fantasize about > the sexual aspects of such an incredibly flexible body as yours. The > Oracle gave me some suggestions to how I could forget you. > > But I don't want to forget you. I *want* to be able to admire your > wonderful, pure suppleness, but for its own sake only. You deserve > it, lovely Barbara. You really do. > > When you lift your feet above your head and put them gently down > behind your shoulders, I want to admire it simply because it's so > beautiful, not because it might be an interesting position for sex. > > How can I get the hidden thoughts of sex out of my mind, so that I can > *really* appreciate your divine suppleness ? > > Tell me if there's anything I can do. If you are willing to help me, > I will be your friend forever. > > Your great admirer. > ------------------- > > I know I should ask You a question, so I will formulate it as one: > > What is Barabra's reply to the above? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Sir or Ma'am: } } Thank you for your lovely letter. Naturally, as a net.goddess, I am } very busy and receive huge quantities of mail, and only rarely have } time to give it the personal attention it deserves. Your letter, } however, touched me so deeply that I must make an exception in this } case. } } I am sincerely flattered that you admire my suppleness so much. I } do my best, and it's nice to know that I'm not wasting my efforts. } } As for your question: I find that when I practice my suppleness, } all my problems just seem to fade away. You should try it yourself, } I'm sure it would help! And to assist you, I have a complete set of } stretching and limbering exercises coming out in my new book "Square } Knots Are Too Easy: Suppleness The Barbara Way", which will be } available soon at a bookstore near you for just $19.95. } } Once again, thank you for your letter, and don't forget to try } suppleness. It really works! } } Yours Sincerely, } } Barbara, the net.sex.goddess } --- } } Hmm. Too bad, kiddo. Looks like she sent you a form letter. I } sympathize; I remember when I was a kid and I sent a letter off to my } favorite philosopher, Socrates, and he brushed me off. I got a form } letter that said he couldn't answer all of his fan mail because he'd } been imprisoned. Feh. } } Maybe you should reconsider which net.goddess you want to give your } affections to, and pick one that doesn't get so much mail she needs to } send form letters. I know, for instance, that Georgette, the } net.transsexual.goddess, has a lot of free time. --- 170-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh my GOD! How come nobody ever TOLD me it would make me go blind?! > Is there a cure? Will I ever be able to see again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? Being a proper liberal I'm } concerned that the blame my unfairly fall entirely on your right hand, } which is only a victim of society and didn't really want to do it } anyway! } } Not to mention my deep sympathy for the chicken. --- 170-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm nearly finished with chapter 5 now. What more should I include in > this chapter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } THE AVERAGE PRICE OF LEECHEE NUTS IN GUATEMALA } Chapter 5 } Economics Doctoral Thesis, Joe Student } } Now that we have calculated the average price of leechee nuts in } Guatemala and multiplied it by the indicative derivative of the } subjunctive case of the indeterminate mean of the total supply of } Tellurium in Cleveland it is clear that the lactic digestion of the } resulting Wookies will probably cause George Bush to vomit, irrespective } of the obvious importance of the fractional distillation of Leechee Nut } vodka in Newark, Delaware. } } Add thirty- seven teaspoons of pure caffeine and bake at 350o until } published. } } You owe the Oracle a life's supply of Guinness. This isn't funny, it's } just a heartfelt selfish need. --- 170-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any real women on Usenet at all? I think that they're all men > of perverse mind, in electronic drag. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It has been the Oracle's privilege to know many fine women who are also } Usenet readers. } } Some of them were even getting the psychotherapy they needed. } } Then again, it was a relatively higher proportion than the men the } Oracle has known. --- 170-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we all spend so much time and bandwidth on > writing you messages, pumping all our ecclectic creativity > into our questions and responses, doing all this on > university or company time, and > still, > when the Oracularities come out, > they only get an average vote of like 2.3 ? > > Who's fucking up? Is it you? Is it Kinzler? Is it Bromo the Android? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are suggesting that my answers are occasionally unamusing? I'll have } you know that I won the All-Entity Comedy Shootout three centuries in a } row. I killed no less than 34 other beings for the honor. My jokes } are known throughout the universe for their subtlety, wisdom, and } lethality. Consider the following joke: } } What do you call fermented tooth cores? Dental root beer. } } Ha ha! That joke has sent many to their grave. The sad fact is that } humans beings are about as dense as neutron stars and have no } appreciation for real humor. Consider the sad fact that people still } laugh at Jay Leno. --- 170-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does America keep electing senile maniacs as President? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle's universal presence is of the opinion that Americans } are extremely strange people. } They use the word 'take' in the place of 'bring' and 'bring' in } place of 'take' in their conversations. } Their national pastime is a numbingly boring game which pits } overweight, tobacco-juice dribbling men with undersized bats against } gawky degenerates who throw rock-hard balls at them, sometimes with } virulent intent. This leads to the ludicruous aggrandizement of a man } who can hit thirty balls out of every one hundred thrown at him, as a } superstar and a brain-deadening apathy in even a remotely objective } observer. } They bitch and moan about a penny increase in the price of gas } and yet carry most of the third-world on their collective backs. } Their inner-cities are home to perpetrators of the most depraved } forms of moral turpitude but they raise an uproar when the most } inoffensive profanity is used on a TV show. Once. } They are party to a unique, near-jingoistic, brand of super- } patriotism, that is both laughably and admirably extreme but consider } paying their taxes akin to getting each hair individually burned off } their genitals. } They have produced, from their midst, some of the most maverick } and original thinkers and entrepreneurs the world has ever known and yet } have reduced even such an intuitive process as driving a car on a public } road to a well-defined set of rules. } Their country is home to the largest, by far, liquor industry in } the world, they will identify alcohol as an integral component of a } 'good time' in any reflection on their society yet they won't allow a } person under 21 to drink legally - which, by the way, is THE most } fuck-witted of all fuck-witted laws ever enforced in the history of this } planet. } } Do you still have a question? } } About anything? } } You owe the Oracle a 16-and-a-half month supply of beer and some } gratuitous sex.