From kinzler Mon Jun 18 10:33:13 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 10:31:09 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #169 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 169 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #169 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Mon, 18 Jun 90 10:31:09 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 164 11 votes 02441 21440 03341 52400 06131 22232 00272 33311 06311 23141 164 3.0 mean 3.4 2.9 3.3 1.9 2.9 3.1 4.0 2.5 2.7 2.9 --- 169-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me how I can get into contact with more people across the world > using this modern-day means of communication. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Post a retarded series of non-sequiturs in trendy surfer-turtle lingo } typed in all uppercase to every newsgroup on the net. They'll get in } contact with you. } } You owe the Oracle a 600 Megabyte disk drive for its kill file. --- 169-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that if you use your left hand, it feels like another person? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Apparently, if you lay on your arm until it goes to sleep, and then use } it, it feels like someone else is doing it for you. As the Oracle is } asexual, it can only relate to you the experiences of others. } } You owe the Oracle an out-of-body experience. --- 169-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've heard of the Oracle and the Boracle. Are there others? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Of course. There's the Coracle for sailors, a Foracle for people who } don't believe in foreplay, a Goracle for some guy with a spot on his } head, a Horacle for people who sell sex, and many many more (it's a big } alphabet). } } You owe the oracle a visit from the Zoracle when he's done with the } sword- fighting scene. --- 169-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose knowledge knows no bounds (save for the Jersey shore), > > What exactly _is_ a virus? Animal, vegetable, protist? Engineering > major? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A virus is anything with the ability to duplicate itself, and thereby } continue to exist in an identical or similar form in more than one } place. Of course, by this rather broad definition almost everything } is a virus: animals produce several similar offspring, vegetables } produce entire crops of virtually identical copies of the original } plant, protists do very much the same thing. Engineering majors do } not necessarily produce more engineering majors, although the ones who } become engineering professors undoubtedly do, some of which will in } turn become engineering professors, ad nauseum. More generally, } professors tend to produce, among other things, more professors. In } certain fields they produce little else. } } Even such subtle things as phrases and concepts can be viruses. So } called "catch phases" are perfect examples of this. How many times } was the phrase "Where's the beef?" repeated before everyone got sick } of it? This phrase seemed to have much more self-duplicating power } than a phrase like: "Can I have your turnips?" } } Personally, I enjoy the example: "This sentence is a virus." because } not only is it self-referential, but it is compact and easy to } remember, and it has a certain self-duplicating nature. Please } mention it in the next conversation you have concerning viruses, I } know I always do. If you do mention it, be sure to encourage others } to do the same in the future. } } If this response makes it into the top ten "Oracularities" (which I } doubt) it will be duplicated on many systems through the mailing list, } and many more through the Usenet news. This demontrates that funny } responses are much more like viruses than serious ones are. The very } funniest ones will be filed away on many hard drives, printed, } photocopied, re-posted, and mailed all over the network and the world. } This proves that very funny jokes are among the most prolific viruses } in the world. Other things that fit the same description are } religions, scientific discoveries and pornographic GIF files. } } You owe the Oracle 50 shares of Xerox stock. --- 169-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Script started on Fri Jun 8 03:22:16 1990 > 1> wrap.question myquestion > *** Automatic Envelope Generator for Questions to the Usenet Oracle *** > reading question... done > generating praise........ done > > O Great Wise Omniscient Oracle! This is a question from the scum of > the earth who is not worth licking your shoes. I dare to most O Oracle > (knowledge, wise master) Ircvssel$%@# > Segmentation fault: core dumped > 2> rm core > 3> cat myquestion > > Why do those evil mad scientists in old horror movies (often played by > Vincent Price) always play Bach's "Tocatta & Fugue in D-minor" on the > organ? > > 4> ^D > > script done on Fri Jun 8 03:23:47 1990 And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracular Avatar Guidelines section IXVI rule 37 paragraph 13: } All questions posed as silly bogus unix scripts shall be deemed to be } possibly subversive incursions from extra-terran machine intell- } igences. Please forward such queries to the Oracular Enforcement } Division (oed@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu) for investigation. } } Your question has been forwarded to the approriate authorities. Please } do not leave the building until an appropriate investigation has been } completed. Thank you for your cooperation. --- 169-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yoooooo Hooooooo, Mr. Orrrrrrrracllllllllle, > > Since you are the only ORacle around, doesn't that make you > the exclusive-oracle? P'raps you should change your name to > The XORacle. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse me, but doesn't your sense of humor extend beyond the realm of } your work? Try this on your co-workers: "I heard that Vice President } Quayle met with Gorbachev recently, and asked him about the spot on his } head. Gorbachev told him that it was a birthmark, to which Quayle } queried, `Oh? How long have you had it'." I'm sure that they will enjoy } it. } } You owe the Oracle one Bennett Cerf book. --- 169-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it true that if you play the Mr. Ed theme song backwards, there is > a Satanic message? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having personally tested this theory using the most expensive } equipment, the Oracle assures you that there is no satanic message in } the Mr Ed theme song. } } The message actually there is "Sue Rock, Sue Rock, vaunted sore." } Apparently the famous equine regrets romantic companionship with } certain famous TV actors, but since both parties are now dead, we'll } never know for sure. --- 169-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Several weeks ago, I was sitting at the downtown bus station, passing > the time until my bus arrived. There was an unshaven fellow wearing > a grimy tweed overcoat standing nearby and smoking. Suddenly he sat > down beside me, turned to me and with a beery exhalation, mumbled, > "That's three cigarettes and eight cents." > > I looked up from my newspaper. "What?" I inquired. > > "Three cigarettes and eight cents," he repeated. "You owe me three > cigarettes and eight cents." > > I just stared at him. > > "But that's okay," he went on. "You don't have to pay me now." > And with that he stood and shuffled off in the direction of the > men's room. > > I shook my head, figured he was probably crazy, and went back to > my newspaper. But just now I got to thinking about it and it hit > me--who would ever come up to me and tell me that I owed him some > paltry sum, and then take no interest whatsoever in collecting on > it? > > Who, that is, but the Usenet Oracle? > > That was you, wasn't it? You were trying to collect on the > cigarettes and pennies you charged me for the answer you gave > me when my parakeet died from the tainted birdseed and I wanted > to know how I could get revenge on the birdseed company. Well, > I have just one thing to say--pathetic! You look awful, Oracle. > You obviously hadn't shaven or eaten any solid food in days, and > you only know when your last haircut was. The clothes you were > wearing looked like they came out of garbage dumpsters. You'd > been drinking, and probably taking other drugs too. How could > you let yourself sink so low? And what are you going to do about > it? You realize, don't you, that once word of this gets out to > the Usenet community at large, no one will ever listen to your > answers anymore. They'll know you're just another drunken > reprobate off the street, and they'll figure it'd be cheaper > just to go talk to the guy who says all the needle-pricks in his > arms were put there by UFOs. You drunk junkies make me sick, you > know that? > > (Oh, by the way, I never did manage to get revenge on the birdseed > company, and do you know why? There's no such goddamn THING as > an "ACME Parakeet-Shaped Grenade"! They took them the market three > years ago! You've really lost it, Oracle. Get help.) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh please, stop your sniveling, if I responded to every little complaint } someone ever had about my advise, I would be bankrupt and in jail. And } no that was not me in the Bus Station, I would never lower myself to } your mesley little level, you little Illuminati Dupe, I hired a } collection agent from Taxation Canada (these guys make the IRS look } nice) and he came straight over from his office in his office clothes. } Of course the thing is was that he was going to claim 1 cigarette and } three cents for his services but then again, I can't be picky. Anyways, } when you ignored him and went home later that month, he followed you } there and stole the rightful property of the Usenet Oracle. } Well, I guess this just teaches you that you never mess with the } Usenet Oracle unless you want to find your parakeet's lower half in your } bed. The other half I will give to the guy from Taxation Canada. } } And by the ways, the birdseed company in question recieves the } Usenet Oracularities every time there is a new one and they read my } advice. Then they bought out the ACME Armaments Division and then } stopped distribution of the grenade retroactively so they are now no } parakeet shaped grenades left in the world. } But for a small fee of three cigarettes and eight cents I can } reek unholy vengence on the bird seed comapny and do things to the staff } and management of that factory that would make your mind melt... } } You owe the Oracle your first born (uncircumcised) and proof the Earth } is Flat. --- 169-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hi, I asked you a question a couple of years ago about how can I make > the U.S. government hire me as a computer security expert so I can work > with my father. Well, you responded and sent me a UUENCODED program > which you said was guaranteed to help me. All I had to do was UUDECODE > it on my system and run it. > Well, I did. My name is Richard Morris and I am now probably > the most famous hacker around since Wozniak. But it backfired, Oracle, > I got kicked out of my University, the U.S. Government wants me to die > painfully and my father told me to never talk to him again (he was a tad > upset since the Government wanted to fire and prosecute him also). My > life is miserable, Mr. Oracle, my life is in RUINS! And it is all your > fault! That is why I am doing the following... > % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu kill oracle > % uucp virus.logx.bomb iuvax.cs.indiana.edu > % uux iuvax.cs.indiana.edu virus.logx.bomb > > Die, Oracle! Die!! Die! Die! Die! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wait a minute, Robert. I happen to be a professor at Cornell, and the } consensus here is that we'll let you back if you apply. --- 169-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wonderfully psychadelic oracle tell me ... > > is it true that there are only a finite number of jokes in the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes. Here they are: } } 1. "Why did the scallop cross the road? To get to the other clam!" } (It sounds a lot better in Akkadian, I'm afraid.) } } 2. The other day when was watching a boxing match on tv, } a hockey game broke out! } } 3. +-----------+ } | THINGS | } | next 3 km | } +-+-------+-+ } | | } } 4. A mathematician is a machine for turning coffee into theorems. } } 5. Dorothy Parker called her canary Onan because "he spills his seed } upon the ground". } } That's all. Now you don't have to laugh any more. That should make you } happy, no?