From kinzler Sun Jun 17 12:00:25 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 17 Jun 90 11:48:07 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #168 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 168 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #168 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 17 Jun 90 11:48:07 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 163 13 votes 04720 33142 05332 05350 32521 34411 42322 42331 24610 02443 163 2.8 mean 2.8 2.9 3.2 3.0 2.7 2.5 2.7 2.6 2.5 3.6 --- 168-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > Alt.sex.congressmen.in.drag.fucking.goats was deleted today. It is my > favorite newsgroup. Why did they kill it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There was a spelling error, it should have been } } alt.sex.wimps.in.hell.all.psu.grads.will.have.their.resumes. } forwarded.to.the.nearest.fried.chicken.cheepo.sleeze.bag.bag.bag.bork. } bork.when.will.this.ever.end.only.at.the.file.system.limit.on.that. } cheepo.rat.nest.sun.workstation.that.is.not.really.worth.the.blahhhhhhhh --- 168-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > is it true > could it possibly be true > can it be > is it at all concievable > that women are more attracted to men who are presently dating another > woman > please tell me i am at a loss (or actually a bonus) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This woman named Laurie could not get it off. } At men who pursued her she'd laugh and she'd scoff. } Till Andrew, whose lust after Laurie's tight buns } Had him doing cold showers and difficult sums } Paraded before her, from sheer angry spite, } The woman he'd dated the previous night. } } Laurie, who'd feigned an indifference complete } Madly swept Andrew right off of his feet; } She tore off his clothes and tied him to a bed } And turned to his lover and said: [insert grum riff here] } } ``Now that I see that dating's his passion } I think that this scumbag is due for a thrashin'. } You take the whip, and I'll use the club; } And afterwards salt in his wounds we will rub. } We'll pull out his entrails, the two-timing sleaze, } And stomp on his balls till they feel like mashed peas. } With this razor his skin from his flesh we will flay...'' } He heard nothing more, having fainted away. } He never awoke, and his tattered remains } Were flushed down Manhattan's old sewer drains. } } In short, it may happen that someone's attracted } By your being by another woman distracted. } But you never know just what form that will take. } The girl of your dreams may have passions to slake } Undreamt of by you. So go home and be faithful; } It's preferable to being entirely wraithful. } } You owe the Oracle a woman who is attractive because she dates other } men. --- 168-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle whose penis is to large to fit into my mere > mortal mouth, whose arse if just the right size for everything. Enough > of that crap, here's my demand oracle: > > We know you are actually a front for the Illuminati, the Ancient > Illuminated Seers of Bavaria to be precise. We knowthat your An-eristic > attitudes are threatening to brainwash the minds of (fnord) millions of > net-readers! We also know for a fact, that you are on of the Five that > control the world and were personally responsible for the character > assasinations (fnord) of Jim & Tammy Bakker(fnord), Gary Heart(fnord! > Fnord! fnord!), Premier Bill Vanderzalm (Premier of British Columbia), > and Margaret Thatcher (fnord! fnord! fnord! fnord! fnord!)! Now. > We deman justice! We demand you resign as Oracle and abandon your > foolish Aneristic ways. > > Signed, > Hagbard Celine, > Harry Coin, > Joe Malik & George Dorn And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Foolish cultists and walkers of the wrongly paths! Check your Barrett's } Guide to Seers, Oracles and Heretics again. See where it says (page } 6,504) "Oracle, Usenet: ...'foolish Aneristic ways'"? It's a typo, oh } virulent nimrod. (Fnord!) The Oracle is ANAEROBIC, not aneristic! I } exist in the electronic ebbs and (fnord!) flows of network circuitry. } Totally anaerobic I (fnord! fnord!) I can do chin-ups underwater. I } can do leg lifts in a plastic bag. I can do thirty thousand laps around } Manhattan with my head entirely encased in Silly Putty and not even get } winded. (FNORD!!) Oh, but jeez, I caught your damned cold } anyway...Fnord! Fnord! Bastard. } } Besides which, I've never been to Austria. Corporeally, that is. } } You owe the Oracle a Jazzercize video and a champagne cork for my } esophagus. --- 168-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is that gunk that collects on the nose rest of glasses? Is there > some way to prevent it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The gunk that collects on the nose rests of your glasses is a variety of } body cheese known as eye cheese. There is also toe cheese between your } toes (known also as blue-dirt) and belly button cheese. In general, all } body cheese is a mixture of natural bodily fluid mixed with particles of } dirt in the air. } } Now, why does eye cheese collect in your noserest? The answer is quite } simple. Most people who wear glasses have a larger brain than thos who } do not wear glasses (thus the theory that people who wear glasses are } smarter). This increased brain size creates greater pressure in the } cranium, whic in turn exerts more pressure on the eye cheese producing } glands located aroud the eye sockets. Due to the increased pressure, an } excess amount of eye cheese is produced. It is this excess amount that } collect in your glasses... } } Unfortunately, there is no way to control overactive eye-cheese glands } without removing your eyeballs. Don't despair, however, for eye cheese } can actually be beneficial. Many foresightful, buxom women, realizing } that an overabundance of eye cheese indicates an exceptionally } intelligent individual, actually seek out men with gooped up glasses. } In fact, that's how I met my wife , Mrs. Hawaiian Tropic 1989! And } even if eye cheese doesn't net you a spouse, it tastes great when you } spread it on Ritz crackers.... --- 168-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just heard about the French Open Women's contest on the radio. They > told me who won it, but didn't describe the contest itself. What's it > about? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oooh, difficult one that! In France, they seem to be infatuated with } gastronomic delights such as snails and frogs' legs. The French Open } Women's contest is designed to take the best of these two elements of } the French way of life and combine them into one - the traditional } method is to lie flat on one's back whilst clenching a standard, fasted } cooking snail between the soles of the feet. The woman has to draw her } legs up into the standard open posture, as resembles a frog lying on its } back on a chopping board prior to being skinned for cooking, without } dropping or crushing the snail. This feat is repeated with two, three, } four, etc snails between the soles of the feet, the winner being the one } who can accomplish the posture with the most snails so held. } } It follows that the French like to play with their food! --- 168-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > have you ever suck a dog? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle disdainfully repilies to the question (and he quotes } verbatim) -[ "have you ever suck a dog?" } } The Oracle is appalled and offended by the perverted nature of the } aforenoted question - the phrase 'suck a dog' is a denotative imperative } and is, as such, quite unsuited to the tone of a generalized past } imperfect enquiry. In addition, sentences in the English language are } usually begun with a capitalized letter as in "Have you ever taken an } english class you moron?" } } The Oracles magnificent presence is perturbed by the ambiguous nature of } the question, (and who wouldn't be?) } } Is it sexual, insinuating a penchant for rampant bestiality? } } Is it merely a reference to sucking a wiener out of a bun at a } Tigers game, made by someone with a California education (how } can they be expected to know better?)? } } Is it a side-effect of someone's mistaking their terminal for } their loved one after seventeen too many bacardi's? } } Well, says the almighty Oracle, if the first : Yes, he has. He shall } not attempt to say any more in this regard for fear of being arrested } and thrown into the same jail cell as 2 Live Crew. } } If the second : No he hasn't. The Oracle being all-knowing and } apprised of the universal truths cannot stand baseball. (His being an } alien also has something to do with this). } } If the third : The Oracle says, Get a @#$%&*! grip on yourself. Think } before you drink. i.e Bacardi is for pansies. The Oracle prefers a } good bottle (or six) of Stolichnaya - redolent of the grainy russian } steppe. (If you are gay, the Oracle recants this particular reprimand). } } What part of the dog? --- 168-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was Led Zeppelin satanic, and if so why did they wear bell-bottoms? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, everybody in Hell wears bell-bottoms. It's part of the } required uniform, which is designed to humiliate and degrade people. } You're also required to wear geeky hats with springy antennas on top, } tightly woven polyester shirts buttoned all the way up to the collar, } pantyhose, training bras, clip-on bow ties, thick taped glasses, braces, } dutch clogs, and mittens with a string that runs up one arm and down the } other. Anytime you see anyone wearing one or more of these items, } they're probably Satanists. } } Actually, though, the guys in Led Zeppelin weren't Satanists. They wore } bell-bottoms because they had atrocious taste. --- 168-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle , lord most high of great and wonderous power and awe, > may your rod never wither oh great grey green greasy one and may your > camels always be fertile, please answer my most perplexing question.... > > why is it that nine out of ten men who have tried camels, prefer women? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all has to do with the intriguing genital differences between camels } (lustus humpus) and women (fuckus offus). You see the women have } extremely small vaginas, minute clitorii and two breasts. Camels, on } the other hands, have vaginas that four men can fit in, clitorii that } are arm-pit sized and enough breasts to feed fourteen Ethiopians for } twelve weeks. This disparate difference between men and dromedaries can } crush any male ego, hence the natural prediliction for human females. } } You owe the Oracle a twelve teat bra for his favourite camel. --- 168-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Alcatraz! Ho, Alcatraz! Well, what have we here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'd like two Good Humors please. } } I haven't got any Good Humors, I've just got this bloody } Alcatraz! (shouts) Alcatraz! } } What flavor is it? } } It's a prison, mate. It's a bloody prison. It doesn't have } any bloody flavor! (shouts) Alcatraz! } } It's got to be some flavor, I mean everything's got a flavor. } } All right, it's bloody Alcatraz flavor - it's bloody stone built } Alcatraz flavor! (shouts) Alcatraz! } } Do you get wafers with it? } } Course you don't get bloody wafers with it! It's a bloody prison, } isn't it? (shouts) Alcatraz! } } I'll have two please. } } I've only got one you cocksucker! (shouts) Alcatraz! } } You owe the Oracle Brains-on-a-Stick. --- 168-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wise and fishy Oracle, master of all holiness flagrant, whose beauty > punches the angels themselves, whose life stinks more wonderfully than > the stars themselves, grant me this morsel of your omniscience. Is it > really the case that LSD is the cause of Satanism, moral decline of most > of America, and the Bible? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. As usual, this is a grossly overgeneralized rumor with no } basis in fact. Although laboratory rats soaked in a pure solution } of LSD for several weeks *do* come out looking like Satan, or } the Bible, or both, and they *do* promote moral decay if taken } internally with 2-3 bandsaws and a fire hatchet, this has absolutely } no relation to the high incidence of sulphur and brimstone in } television evangelists. In fact, this latter correlation can } be completely explained by a few simple observations: } } -- The Devil can quote scripture to further his own ends. (Shake- } speare said it; it must be true.) } -- The Devil likes death and destruction and bathroom mildew and } vacant-eyed children. } -- Television evangelists are quite capable of producing the above. } } Therefore, it is easily seen that television evangelists are pawns } of the devil. It can be further shown ( though I will not do so here ) } that the same sorts of arguments apply to all religious types back } through to the dawn of time -- so, in fact, not only can the Devil } cite scripture, but he in fact wrote it. God was called away to an } interuniversal Brockian Ultra-Cricket match immediately after creation } of our universee, and Satan, Satanism, moral decay, and the Bible } all sort of spontaneously generated each other, like microorganisms. } God will return soon and will probably clear us all away to create } his planned race of meditative dust-bunnies.