From kinzler Sat Jun 2 21:43:35 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sat, 2 Jun 90 21:40:23 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #166 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 166 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #166 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sat, 2 Jun 90 21:40:23 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 161 9 votes 31410 32301 51210 62100 21240 24201 52101 12141 53100 22230 161 2.3 mean 2.3 2.3 1.9 1.4 2.9 2.3 1.9 3.2 1.6 2.7 --- 166-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, oracle whose arse I am too lowly and unworthy to lick. > Enough with the pleasentries, I've got a serious problem here. > I was looking through my disks on my Amiga and found the > following on a disk I thought had my Deluxe Paint II backup on: > Lisa.JAN > Lisa.FEB > Lisa.MAR > Lisa.APR > > Well, I then remembered an oracle question a while ago where > someone else had the exact same problem on his machine. But there are > some problems Oracle: 1) My Amiga is *NOT* on the InterNet and 2) I > only have a 1200 bps modem. When I added up thge file sizes I got 5 > terrabytes on an 880K Disk!?!? Anyways, I decided to look into one file > so I more'd it. > Oracle, I read the first sentence and I nearly flipped out of my > mind with lust, but it wore off after five minutes. Then I read the > first paragraph: I went nuts! I started masturbating violently but no > orgasm I could achieve was strong enough. I nearly had sex with my next > door neighbour's cats! Anyways, I then read the whole of Lisa.JAN. > Well, to put it mildly, I CAN'T STOP MASTURBATING!!! I am masturbating > right now as I write this desperate cry for help. I started having sex > with things that weren't nailed down. And then those things that were > nailed down and then some. I have tried every kind of sex there is! > And I am inventing more! I have been having a sexual rampage all around > Vancouver and I just can't stop myself. That excerpt for Lisa's diary > is just too much for a mortal mind! Help me! I am going to killmyself > soon unless my dick wears out first. > I even had my eunuch friend (he had an "accident" with a meat > grinder) read it. Now this guy hasn't had a sexual urge in five years > and now he is banging on my front door wanting to have sex with me! I > am right now taking those sexual urge repression pills in the hundreds > per day and I still can't stop! Help me, Help me! Help me! > > signed, > Oversexed in Vancouver And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yeah, that Lisa makes Anais Nin look like a cloistered nun, eh? Well, } you brought this on yourself. The Oracle doesn't condemn you for your } innocence and curiosity, but you do realize that you've been very } foolish. Few people can stand reading much of that sort of stuff. } } Actually, there isn't much you can do. You will now find yourself open } to demonic possession because your mind is so completely distracted by } sex. Seek out a good exorcist just in case -- you won't want to lose } control of your body to a demon. Apart from that, you're like that guy } in the _film noir_ flick "D. O. A." who is doomed to die because he } has been poisoned with something that has no antidote, and spends his } last hours tracking down his own killer. In short, prepare for death. } I don't think that you should read any more of that diary -- it will } only make your end worse (but then again, hastier: you might prefer } that). } } Do delete those files, there's a good fellow. I suppose that you could } show them to a few selected enemies... --- 166-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh honored Oracle, whose wisdom spans the galaxies of the net, > Whose shimmering light of truth and honesty becons all to look on, > Whose unending wisdom provides guidance and counsel to us all... > > Please sing me a song about Lisa, batteries, frozen bananas and > lubricants. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tune: "Time stands still," John Dowland, 1605: } } (lute intro) } } Lisa never need buy batteries } Her vibrators stand ever still and always at their ease. } No other woman's had as much good sex as she } Since Cleopatra cruised the Nile, and Romans made orgy. } Frozen bananas do not defile her ever-busy crotch, } And voyeurs grovel at her feet to be allow'd to watch. } [repeat last 2 lines] } } When Lisa doth sexual congress make, } All that is present must be real -- she will not stand for fake. } She never will abide the use of K-Y jelly } Or kinky things like Vick's Vapo-rub, which is so very smelly. } Her lubrication doth arise from her own natural springs } She doth despise all lubricants as most inferior things. } } } [There now, I won't be able to hear that tune without this shithead } doggerel going through my head. You have made me ruin one of my } favorite Elizabethan songs for the sake of your stupid gratification. } I hope that you're satisfied.] --- 166-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I told my girlfriend that I wanted to "eat her pussy," so she killed her > cat over the kitchen sink with a butcher knife, skinned it, and made its > meat into a delicious curry. Does this mean she really loves me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means she's prepared to sacrifice her cat in a desperate } attempt to avoid having you lick her willy, and I don't blame her. --- 166-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I asked a girl to give me head, and she pulled her head off! There's > a huge bloody mess all over, and a decapitated corpse in my apartment. > Any suggestions, wise Oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look, if a girl is willing to pull her own head off rather than } lick your willy, take the hint and lay off her! } } Try using Milton Fluid on the bloodstains. --- 166-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, I saw that You told Barbara I only wanted to have kinky > sex with her. It's just not true. If I wanted sex with a supple > girl, I would of course try Lisa instead. As I've heard, she too can > do quite amazing things with her not-exactly-stiff body. > > But with Barbara, all I want is to be her friend, and admire her > wonderful suppleness for its own sake. She is the best. > > Please, O mighty and all-knowing Oracle, please tell her that from me! > > Sice I'm supposed to ask You a question, here it is; > > If I want to send Barbara a little present on her birthday (whenever > that may be), what would You recommend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dear Bill, (let's skip anonymity for once) } } Firstly, to answer your question: The net.goddesses don't celebrate } their birthdays, since they are immortal and timeless. Giving Barbara a } birthday present would be a bad idea - she'd probably take it as an } insult. } } Secondly, regarding your complaint: You say that you don't want to have } sex with Barbara, and indeed you yourself sincerely believe that you } only want to be friends. However, being the Oracle, I can see into the } very depths of your soul, to the recesses that are hidden even from } yourself (not a pretty sight!) and see that your hidden wish really is } to have kinky sex with her. That's why I told her so - I couldn't } really lie to my darling Babs, could I? After all, its not my fault } that you're so hung up about sex... } } What - you don't believe me? But I'm the Oracle, and the Oracle never } lies! You still want proofs? OK, let's do the old trick and log in on } your brain... } } ^Z } iuvax % telnet bills-brain.human.net } } Connected to bills-brain.human.net } } Welcome to Bill's Brain - BrainVAX 3200 running HumanVMS } } [So this guy's brain actually runs VMS! No wonder he's neurotic!] } } Username: SYSTEM } Password: [I know all passwords!] } } Last interactive login on Thursday, MAY-30-1979 } } $ set def sys$sysdevice:[subconscious] } $ type secret_desires.dat } } Eating an entire box of Maryland cookies. } Sleeping through prof. Johnson's boring lectures. } Telling prof. Johnson he's boring. } } [ Nothing interesting so far - let's skip the intervening lines ] } } Watching Barbara taking a shower. } [ Sounds more interesting... ] } Stealing Barbara's bra. } [ Sorry, Bill, she doesn't wear one. She thinks it constricts her } suppleness. It wouldn't be much of much use anyway, her size is 32A.] } Watching Barbara and Lisa mud-wrestling in the nude. } Having wild sex with Barbara, in the mud. } [ See? ] } Having wild sex with Barbara and Floozie, in the mud. } [ Considering that Floozie is your french poodle, this sounds rather } kinky, doesn't it? ] } ^Y } *Interrupt* } } [ Hope you believe me now! By the way, I'm in a good mood today, I think } I'll help you get rid of some of your inhibitions... ] } } $ delete/log in*.*;* } %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SEX;78 deleted } %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.SOCIAL;7 deleted } %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INHIBITIONS.VIOLENCE;15 delet } %DELETE-I-FILDEL, File DRA0:[SUBCONSCIOUS]INTELLIGENCE.DAT;8 deleted } } [ Shit! I didn't mean to do that! Better log out quickly... ] } } $ log } Connection closed } iuvax % fg } } Look, you may feel a bit strange the next few days - I think you should } take it easy until your sysop has found the backup tapes... --- 166-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Un-stumpable and brilliant Oracle, gem of our sorry world, > > Someone circumcised me last night! I was blind drunk, they must have > used a local anesthetic (hurts like hell now), and they seem to have > done a good job. But why? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You DID say "I must convert to Judaism", didn't you? } } OH! That was "I'll not pervert with Rudy's jism". } } Next time, use a clearer telecom line when you call me. } } Mazel tov! } } You owe the Oracle some matzoh and two stone tablets. --- 166-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Do a nerve block on the appropriate spinal nerve. Be sure to prepare } the area of the incision by scrubbing it with Betadiene or something } similar. Now make the incision in the scrotal sac, and -- oh, sorry. } I've gotten you mixed up with the guy who wanted to know how to castrate } himself. --- 166-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, whose intelligence barely qualifies as human, whose morals > are used for comparison by perverts to make them feel superior, whose > naughtiness exceeds that of Richard Nixon, whose advice is one of the > worst examples of wisdom in this universe, > > What do you have against Oral Roberts and his university? In a recent > article you posted > > > Oral Roberts is a TV evangelist who started a > > university full of creepy students, and attracts a lot of people to > > Tulsa, Oklahoma. > > As an alumnus of that fine institution, I can personally attest to the > fact that there are no "creepy students" attending. Sure, all the > students look nice (as compared to your normal university campus) and > dress well (shirts and ties for men, dresses for women), but this is > no basis for judging people who go there as "creepy". How about it, > Oracle? Why don't you let the people on the net see your picture and > see if, to the population of the rest of the net, you appear "creepy."? > > > You owe the Oracle a record of Oral Roberts singing. > > Trust me, you don't want to hear him singing. Take it from > someone who has heard him singing. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oral Roberts is a scandalous bunko-meister who forces impressionable } youngsters into a repressive, guilt-based, anti-human lifestyle that } requires them to believe that perfectly normal aspects of their } humanity (such as their sexuality or the desire to question authority } and "God-given" teachings) are evil or morally wrong. This "Born- } Again Christianity" covers the fruadulent fundraising that allows him } to drive more fancy cars and run more hospitals into the ground through } the egregious financial mismanagement his enterprise thrives on while } making laughable con-artist appeals for more money lest "God call him } home". } } My picture? See below. } } |\/\/\/| } | | } | | } | (o)(o) } C _) } | ,___| } | / } /____\ } / \ } } You owe the Oracle a brick from the City of Faith Hospital and a cow. --- 166-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. > Your question was: > > > Does Lisa "go down"?? > > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: > > } Lisa crashed about three days ago, due to ... I guess you could call > } it a power failure. She hadn't eaten very much in the last week or > } so, being preoccupied with other matters, and she was doing something > } extremely vigorous, and she kind of fainted. The guy fell on top of > } her and twisted her ankle, too, but the girls managed to catch them- > } selves. Pretty alarming, actually. I told them to feed her large > } amounts of chocolate quickly, and it seems to have worked. > } > } I don't think she goes down for routine preventive maintenance, > } though. We've been bugging her about doing it for years. > } > } You owe the Oracle a message which doesn't pretend that humans are > } just like computers, nerdhead. > > ======================================================================== > > I really resent being called a nerdhead, especially considering _you_ > Sir Oracle are the "computer geek" who does not know any other meaning > for the term "go down" other than a system crash. > > _You_ owe _me_ and apology pal!!! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Remember, O questioner, that historically Oracles have been fond of } reading whatever meaning into a question they damned well please. You } should have phrased your question so that only one meaning was possible. } } Being an Oracle gets dull. Insulting people mildly with words like } "nerdhead" is simply a way of letting off steam. } } Apology: } The Oracle is sorry. Very sorry. Terribly, extremely, horribly, } utterly, excrementally sorry. You cannot conceive, no offense meant } because actually you are quite intelligent and sufficiently imaginative, } just how very very very very VERY sorry the Oracle is. The Oracle } crushes Its left eyeball (it will regenerate eventually, but it hurts } like hell -- ouch! -- and now the Oracle will be blind in one eye for a } few months) for shame. The Oracle cuts off Its genitals (they will } regenerate, too) and installs an artificial vagina and silicone tits. } The Oracle lets itself be raped by a mandrill. What more can the Oracle } do to show how very sorry It is? The Oracle plucks out all its hairs } one by one with tweezers. That really hurt, let It tell you. What do } you want, blood? The Oracle slices into its left wrist with a single } edged razor blade and bleeds all over Its keyboard, copiously. There, } that's at least a pint. } } Any other forms of self-degradation the Oracle can engage in? Do tell } It what tickles your fancy, puts the steel into your rod, etc. } } Abjectly groveling before You, mighty and glorious Questioner, your } humble and abject slave, the oracle. --- 166-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What breed of cat is most flavorful? Are those big rabbity hind > legs of a Manx cat particularly juicy and flavorful when roasted? > Do castrated cats taste better (the way that castrated bulls do)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } All pussy tastes good. Trust me.