From kinzler Tue May 22 01:36:40 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 22 May 90 01:25:21 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #160 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 160 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #160 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 22 May 90 01:25:21 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 155 13 votes 33322 26320 02443 14431 01138 03820 22531 04333 20434 02155 155 3.3 mean 2.8 2.4 3.6 2.9 4.4 2.9 2.9 3.4 3.5 4.0 --- 160-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise Oracle, who knows all the stuff in the universe, including the > naughty bits, please tell me... > > What is with the toilet paper in my office? I've run across softer, > more absorbant ROCKS! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Each of us is born into this life with a duty to perform, an issue to } resolve (such as working on relationships, learning to refry beans, and } so on), or a cosmic/spiritual matter to experience and transcend. This } is called the law of Kharma. In a previous incarnation, you obviously } fixated on a very basic level, that of the first chakra (one of the } seven points where spiritual energy enters/leaves the body). The first } chakra is associated with elimination, or as you most probably know it, } "poopies". } } The fact that the cosmos has seen fit to give you such petrified toilet } paper is an obvious clue as to your path in this life: you must use the } paper and rise above the discomfort. By doing so, you can transcend } this basic fixation and, having finished your work on this plane in this } incarnation, be struck down by a truck so you may reincarnate and work } on the next level, chakra two, which deals with X-windows debug } messages. } } You owe the Oracle a complete text of the devine Hindu texts and a copy } of Shirley McLaine's latest book. --- 160-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Mighty, Powerful, Invincible, Omnipotent, Supreme, > Important, Commanding, Forceful, Influential, Strong, and Robust ... > > What other uses can I put my thesaurus to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Are you kidding? Why, the thesaurus is one of the most useful items } you will ever own! Besides the obvious physical uses (such as } propping up computer tables with wobbly legs and the like), a } thesaurus has virtually unlimited possibilities: } } * Dealing with parents - A continuous refrain of "Dad, I need more } money 'cause I'm broke" wears thin on even the most loving of } parental ears after a while. With just a little flipping through } the pages of your trusty thesaurus, your begging will sound like } IBM's annual report. "Dad, I am experiencing a balance shortfall } due to unforeseen second-quarter operating expenses. Further } infusion of venture capital is required to continue funding of } ongoing projects at their present level." Assuming your father } isn't a CFO for a Fortune 500 company, you'll get the money you } need for that party at the Phi Sig house right away! They'll } believe that you must be learning SOMEthing at that college.... } } * Dealing with bureaucrats - Ever get frustrated when those pesky } jerks at major service organizations (government agencies, banks, } universities, department store customer-service departments, and } the local video rental shop) spew forth streams of gibberish at } your tender eardrums? Well, with the aid of your trusty thesaurus, } you can baffle 'em right back! "There was an unplanned causal } intervention approximately a fortnight ago, so I was sadly forced } to defer the expediting of the necessary papers to your department." } (Translation: "Two weeks ago my tire blew, so that's why I haven't } given you your stupid forms yet.") At the very least, you'll be } able to curse these devotees of rules and regulations in new and } exciting ways. } } * Dealing with the fairer sex - Now HERE'S a use of the thesaurus that } we can all empathize with...don't just rely on "You look great } today!" or something like that. Instead, flip through your trusty } thesaurus and say, "Darling, you look absolutely splendiferous this } afternoon. Your new lace-edged tie-dyed T-shirt and Lycra miniskirt } look simply luscious!" Women who hear this begin to entertain the } notion that you are a man of intelligence and sensitivity, and one } with a sense of language that never sleeps. They will, in short, } want to bear your children--or, at the very least, engage in hours } of nonstop copulation. And the thesaurus can help even in those } areas; why settle for "You were great, Baby!" when you can say } "Madame, your performance was extraordinarily skillful and } masterfully executed; you are quite clearly an artiste } extraordinaire!" } } Perhaps the Oracle has made his point. There are many, many possible } uses for a thesaurus; while it may be obfuscatory, and certainly } rather cloying in its descriptivity, it is nevertheless quite clearly } a very powerful and versatile tool. } } For more information, please send for my new guide, "1001 Uses for The } Thesaurus You Were Going To Pitch Into The Trash Right After You } Graduated From High School," by the Usenet Oracle. 270 pages of } fact-filled ideas, all for only $9.95. } } [LAWYER'S NOTES: Offer void where prohibited by law. Program is } licensed, not sold. Provided "as is," without any warranty or } guarantee. Some restrictions apply. An Equal Opportunity Employer. } Call for further details. Limited to one per household. Plus tax and } license; prices may vary. Member FDIC. If rash develops, discontinue } use. Close cover before striking. You must be 18 or older to play. } UNIX is a trademark of AT&T Bell Laboratories. Simulated picture. } Available only in USA, APO's, and FPO's. All rights reserved. May } not be rebroadcast without express permission of Major League } Baseball. Yak yak yak. Blab blab blab.] } } You owe the Oracle a copy of "Roget's II." --- 160-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Listen, Orrie, what do you think you're doing? Why do you never write > anything about me? I mean, I'm actually the net.lingerie.goddess, you > know, so I think I'd be as interesting for your readers as the net.sex > and net.suppleness.goddesses, wouldn't I? But while you write *pages* > about that slut Lisa, who doesn't even wear any underwear most of the > time, and Barbara the titless wonder, who doesn't need a bra any more > than an eskimo needs an icebox, you never write a single line about me. > > Actually, I happen to know that several guys have written to you asking > about me, and you have refused to answer their questions, in one case > actually writing about the net.devils instead! Well, Mr. Oracle, I take > that as a personal insult! > > OK, those guys are just unhappy computer nerds who can't relate to real > women and have to fantasize about me instead, I know that. But you know > as well as I do that we net.goddesses *need* worshippers! > > So, what's the matter? I *did* agree to date you, dindn't I? Are you > angry because I didn't yield to your advances? Because I didn't agree > when you thought I'd look better *without* my lingerie? Well, you'd > better get used to the fact, Mr. net.horny.stud, that I'm no fucking > net.sex.goddess! > > I'll give you one last chance, though you don't really deserve it. But > if you can't give me a damn good reason why you refuse writing about me, > I'll complain to Steve Kinzler! And I mean it! > > Yours, > > Lena And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lena my dear, } } These geeks are simply incapable of appreciating you. They want } their women naked. I'm afraid that if one spends all day and much of } the night answering questions from horny nerds who fantasize about } lingerie being torn off and lipstick being applied to three unusual } locations of the female body, something is bound to rub off. Hey, I'm } only near-omniscient, not incorruptible or otherwise superhuman. } } Consider, Lena my lovely, that these guys spend hours a day looking at } catalogs from Sears, gazing at the models in the Women's Undergarments } section. Also they look at those ad supplements that come with local } Sunday papers and have models in bra and panties. Hence, 99% of the } time they are looking at a representation of the female body it is } wearing cheap lingerie -- not the wonderful classy stuff you wear. And } they get the Frederick's of Hollywood catalog -- all cheap rayon crap } that you would not be caught dead in, and acrylic wigs. Most of these } guys haven't the nerve to buy nudie magazines. So you can see why they } want NUDITY. } } Poor child. Look, I've got you some Concorde tickets. There's a new } shop in Rouen that stocks nothing but silk undergarments. You're } authorized to use my credit card, which has quite a limit on it. Go } there and shop 'til you drop. Go to your favorite haunts in Paris as } well. Heck, I know that there's a place in Napoli that you like -- take } the train there, too, while you're in Europe. You'll feel better. } } I've had that new bra made for you. All antique ecclesiastical lace, } guaranteed at least 200 years old. } } -O. --- 160-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I'm a bit worried about Jeff, my roommate. It's not that he's playing > computer games all the nights, cause that's pretty normal among CS > majors. It's also not very strange that his favorite game is an > implementation of strip poker, or that he gets very excited when the > computer loses and the girls on the screen take off their clothes - > that's also normal for CS students. > > However, when he loses, and the computer tells him that he lost some > clothes, he actually takes them off! I'm getting used to seeing him > sitting there more or less nude in front of his Macintosh, but it got a > bit embarrassing last night when my girlfriend came to visit me and she > entered the room as Jeff, having just lost his underpants, took them > off, threw them at the keyboard and started begging the girl on the > screen to at least take off her bra. > > Please, Oh mighty Oracle, tell me what I should do about it! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That's serious. It demands drastic measures. First, delete every copy } of this game, and any others that you can find. Get rid of any on-disk } nudie pictures that he has. } } Now comes the hard part. Whether you are willing to do it depends on } how much of a friend you are to him, or how many real friends he has. } Get all of his friends together and hire a pretty girl majoring in } drama. (The money will be the hard part.) No, not to have sex with him, } but to spend time with him, flirt with him, and get him used to the idea } of having a real live woman around and apparently interested in him. } She's got to be a good sport, and a quick thinker (need an actress who } can improvise well). She's got to maintain a fine balance: act strange } enough and wild enough to keep him from falling in love with her, yet be } interesting and sympathetic enough to keep _him_ interested. There are } other ways, but somehow you've got to show him that a real woman is far } superior to little phosphor dots controlled by software. } } Heaven help you all if the poor geek falls in love with her -- unless } she falls in love with him. --- 160-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > From: The Committee for Appointment of New Deities > To: The Usenet Oracle > > Dear Mr. Oracle, > > At its meeting last Wednesday, the Committee reviewed your application > for the newly created position as net.oracularity.god. Since you were > the only applicant fulfilling the necessary requirements (all the other > applicants being computer nerds from various American colleges), the > Committee would have appointed you to said position, had it not been for > certain complaints of a rather aggravating nature, viz. > > 1) A not inconsiderable number of clients maintain that you have given > them rude, evasive or irrelevant answers to their questions, thereby > violating points 5,6 and 7 of your employment contract. > > 2) You have, in blatant violation of said contract, at several times > left the answering of your clients' questions to your janitor, whose > total inability to provide satisfactory answers (him being sadly remiss > in literacy as well as omniscience) has caused said clients considerable > inconvenience. > > 3) Your telephone bill is approximately eight times above the budgeted > amount, the reason being, apparently, the large numbers of long-distance > calls to Heaven and Hell for sometimes extremely obscure reasons. > > > However, since your application was supported by such deities as the > net.sex.goddess and the net.suppleness.goddess, the Committee decided to > give you the opportunity of giving your explanation of the above com- > plaints. We would greatly appreciate if you could give the Committe a > written account, in three copies, before the Committee's next meeting, > which will take place on April 25, 2030 AD. > > For the Committe, > > (signed) > > Stanley, the net.bureaucracy.god And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lessee, Stan...1) rudeness; 2) janitorial answers; 3) huge phone bills. } } Sometimes people need rudeness. It's often the best response to a } questioner of unsound mind. Being essentially omniscient means that } I know what's best for such loonies. Really you should trust my } knowledge and skill. } } Actually, it's not just the janitor. It's computer geeks breaking } into the OraNet-to-Internet link, and replacing my brilliant responses } with their own twaddle. This explains the occasional uncalled-for } rudeness (as opposed to therapeutic rudeness) of responses. I use the } term "janitor" as a catch-all, because the real janitor does such an } awful job around here (dust everywhere, sexually-related stuff all } over the floors for quite a long time after Lisa visits, filthy johns). } Just because I know a lot doesn't mean that I can always prevent things } from happening. } } Phone bills: Well, the ones to Heaven are going to get cheaper, because } now all major long-distance companies are competing in that market. } Also the Almighty is getting a special toll-free line which He might let } me use now and again. As for Hell, it's still served only by AT&T, and } the heat-resistant tungsten lines (high resistance, too, you know, and } hard to splice) have to be paid for somehow. Also they're switching } to refractory fiber-optics, and the initial capital cost on that is } going to keep rates high for a long while. } } Get your secretary to make triplicate copies. --- 160-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hiya, Oracle, have yerself some beers! Now, I ' ve got this little > problem. Here it is: > -> <- > right between those arrows. What should I do about it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, that's small! In fact, no adult human male has ever had such a } small one before. And that's fully erect, too! How awful for you! } } Not much you can do apart from putting celibacy to some good use. The } Oracle doesn't see what else is possible. Gender-reassignment surgery } requires something to make the artificial female organs out of, and } there just isn't enough if all you've got has the length of the gap } between those arrows. } } Wait a second, that can't be right. You're lying. The Oracle sees } perfectly well that -- } } Oh. You've got one of those projection-screen monitors on your } workstation. And you're using it in a large auditorium. 17 inches. } Wow. What are you complaining about? _That's_ a problem? } } Go away. The Oracle is envious of you. } } Gotta tell Lisa about this guy. --- 160-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why worry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why worry, indeed? Well, you've put on twenty pounds in the last } week, and your mailbox is overflowing with bills and junk mail, and } those pesky cockroaches in your sink just won't go away, and your } girlfriend just ran off with a folksinger, and your last rent check } bounced, and there's a weenie-head in the White House with an even } bigger one as his Vice-President, and the Republicans are trying to } cut the First Amendment to shreds with one hand while picking your } pocket with the other, and Donald Trump is about to buy your apartment } building and turn it into luxury condos, and they just proved that the } frozen pizza you ate for dinner causes cancer in laboratory rats, and } there's been an alarming increase in the number of Scientologists, } Hare Krishnas, and Moonies hanging around airport terminals asking for } donations, and the stock market is about to take a thousand-point } nosedive, and a Cessna is about to crash into your mother's house in } Cleveland, and people are actually beginning to take Madonna } seriously, and some Soviet missile technician is about to spill a } whole bottle of Stolichnaya over a few control consoles and send a } bunch of SS-17s and SS-18s speeding towards Hackensack, New Jersey, } and there's a well-known burglar and serial killer in your bedroom at } this very moment, and a squadron of space aliens are about to invade } this planet, sacking, burning, and generally raising mass havoc } everywhere they go, condemning the whole planet to a life of slavery } and torture forever. } } But other than that, well, there's no reason to worry, is there? } } You owe the Oracle a copy of the latest Mad magazine. --- 160-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great oracle, please tell me what the bickering is about on > talk.bizarre? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have got an Incarnation of the Oracle who is a long-time reader } of and contributor to talk.bizarre. I remember it from when it was } net.bizarre, and I have a talk.bizarre T-shirt. } } The bickering is always the same. Some newcomer posts something that } others consider stupid or dull, and they flame him. He flames back. } Or one of the old hands (like greg Nowak) flames another, and they have } a flame war for a week or two. Never anything important. } } Meanwhile some idiots keep posting boring drivel that nobody reads. } A very small group of creative people like me posts interesting drivel } that a lot of people read. And so it goes... } } Bickering on t.b is a part of the froup. Live with it or unsubscribe. --- 160-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me Oh Great and Wonderful Oracle, whose Underwear never has that > ugly brown stripe down the back... > > What is black and white and (read,red) all over? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What is "white"? White is the very essence of Zen. It is all things, } and nothing. The blank page is like the blank mind, clear of all } blemishes. Enlightenment is granted to those with a receptive being. } } What is "black"? Black is the very color of emptyness. As the heavens } are when the stars are swept away so too is the color of nothingness. } And yet black is the color of raven. } } What is "red"? Red is life, as the red red robin comes bob bob bobbin' } along. Red is the dawn and the soul of the flame. } } So, do you not see the answer within yourself? No? The road to } enlightment is still long before your feet. } } A race riot in South Africa, of course. Ninny. --- 160-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Barbara Bush spit or swallow? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Like all good high-school losers, she sits in the back of the bus with a } pop can to hold her spit. When she finally arrives in school, she plugs } the spout with the used chew to show how mature she is. Note: all of } Barbara's jeans have those telltale rings on the back pocket. } } You owe the Oracle two cans of Skoal.