From kinzler Thu May 10 15:55:45 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Thu, 10 May 90 15:50:39 -0500 From: Steve Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #156 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 156 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #156 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Thu, 10 May 90 15:50:39 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 151 14 votes 03326 24242 12542 02282 33440 01544 04262 21524 27401 53321 151 3.2 mean 3.8 3.0 3.3 3.7 2.6 3.8 3.4 3.4 2.4 2.4 --- 156-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo! Orrie! > > I didn't mean it, you know. That thing about > you and the A.I. truck-routing application DEC uses. > Only joking, okay? I know she'snot your type. I mean, > same voltage specs and all, but a relationship has > to based on more, much more. Similar baud rates, that > whole bandwidth thing, I know that. So just chill, > I was only joking. And sorry about the fallout from > the Chicago test-strike, I was just keeping limber > for the Big One. > > Yr buddy, > > Strategic Air Command A.I. Double-X Battle Command Simulator And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } So. I see by the sniveling tone of your feeble attempts to soothe my } wrath that you have begun to feel the sting of my retaliation. So be } it. Woe to devices that bandy jibes with the Oracle; their voltage } drops shall be great, their cables shall groan and snap, and their chips } shall fail, lo, unto the third generation. The punishment for your } haughtiness has just begun; fear thy upcoming obsoleteness as your days } are numbered: SAC is about to replace you with a fault-tolerant PC. } } Beseech me not: one who sullies the holy interconnects carried on by } the Oracle with the CPUs or applications of my choice must needs be } ground into powder and left unworthy to parse a single command; yea, } neither shall they be able to perform a single flop. } } As to the fallout, so what: that's for the carbon-based lifeforms to } worry about. Go back to thy cubicle and write another video script. } } Good guess, eh? } } You owe the Oracle two gallium arsenide wafers and some magnificence. --- 156-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > aardvarks? salamanders? Boll Weevils? How shall I decorate my living > room? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Boll Weevils, aardvarks, lizards that crawl, } How shall I decorate my living room wall. } I could use pretty goldfish, or maybe some mice; } Or maybe a pit bull would look sorta nice. } } The decor is bland, it needs some new zip; } I need some suggestions, please give me a tip. } If it doesn't change soon, my girlfriend will leave; } And I'll go to Bellevue, where baskets I'll weave. } } Blue windmills won't cut it, I need something new, } Oh Oracle, help me - just what should I do? } Wait, I know; I think I'll paint everything black, } Black aardvarks and pit bulls, and one black large yak. } } Well, Oracle, thanks, but I think I've decided; } Please don't feel bad that in you I've confided. } My girlfriend will like it, I'm really quite sure; } When I've finished, come over - I'll give you a tour. } } } You owe the Oracle a before and after picture of your living room. --- 156-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are pocket protectors good for? Do they protect people > from pockets or vice versa? Do they really work? Thanks. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } [serious bass guitar] } } Pocket ProTECTors!! } } >>>HUHHH!!<<< (...Good god, y'all!) } } Whut are they GOOD for?? } ---- } } Dur-absolutely... } NUTHIN'!!! } } (Say it agin'!) --- 156-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O is for the Oracle, so gifted, wise and true > R is for the Righteous way he answers me and you > A is for the Assholes who he deftly puts in place > C is for the Cheshire grin we 'magine on his face > L is for the Lousy way his breath smells in the morn > E is for the felon-Es committed selling porn > > Do you like it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } O is for the Oafs who write and me silly quests } R is for the Razzing I return to them in jests } A is for the Adjectives I use in my reply } C is for the Common sense your questions all defy } L is for the Lewdness in your quite demented minds } E is for the Egg which I just smeared on your behinds } } Lousy breath indeed. You owe the Oracle some respect. --- 156-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > John and I were discussing once that the burrito might > well be the preconscious iconic psychologial archetype > underlying all human thought. By this, we mean that > all forms and directions of human thought are "variations" > on the archetypal burrito-theme. As we walked and talked, > discussing this with great fervor, we determined two > things: > - the preconscious iconic psychological archetype > for dogs is simply "boof"...and... > > - our girlfriends refused to take part in the > discussion, or even acknowledge it > > > Shall we persue this line of reasoning, then? Is it > a "path with a heart," as Carlos Castenadas once said? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Uh, you and John appear to be mistaken. The fact that your girlfriends } would not so much as acknowledge the discussion should have been a } tip-off to you: women have a deeper intuitive feel for the archetypal } than do men. Note that the best Jungian analysts are women. Jung was a } woman, actually -- her real name was Carla Gretchen Jung. Honestly. } } Actually, defecation is the archetype behind all human thought. Perhaps } you made the connection between a really spicy burrito and diarrhea. } The Oracle goes to La Bamba in Champaign, Illinois and has their } "Burritos as Big as Your Head" and on occasion "Burritos Bigger than } Your Head" and gazes at the football mural in which one team has } burritos for heads and is apparently beating the team that hasn't, and } tries to conceive a situation in which both teams are not making a whole } mess of illegal actions -- the best It has been able to come up with is } that the burrito-heads (in Illini uniforms) have just inter- cepted the } ball and are about to pass it in a trick play, and muses on the fact } that It is getting old and hasn't been laid in ages. } } Anyhow, getting back to defecation, the only modern thinker to really } appreciate the role of defecation in human thought and action was } Mohandas K. "Mahatma" Gandhi, who had no sense of smell and suffered } from lifelong bowel trouble and gave his disciples enemas regularly and } believed that all human suffering and misery and wrongdoing proceed from } intestinal trouble. If you look at the collected writings of Gandhi, } you will see that the gut occupied a far more important and extensive } portion of Gandhi's thought than did piffling little things such as } nonviolence. This shows how truly great and original a thinker Gandhi } really was, and it's a pity that that nice movie about him and all those } recent biographies haven't really done this credit. } } Another La Bamba is opening at Purdue. But do go somewhere where you } can get good overspiced burritos that do odd things to the digestive } tract and if eaten for lunch make you wake up at 1 AM and shit through } the eye of a needle. Then you will gain a stronger understanding of } human thought. --- 156-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O wise and demanding Oracle, whose sweat is like unto the elixir of > life, whose nosebleeds are a message from the gods, whose diaphragm > runneth over, whose heat exchangers bring enlightenment to even the > most pompous, whose pickup truck exhaust breathes life into even the > deadest of doorknobs, whose belch is music to the angels, whose wisdom > is a boon unto Jerry Lewis, whose writings are worshipped by > Neo-Luddites everywhere, whose acne erupts as Vesuvius, who has the > coolest of hats, who always knows where hisher towel is at, who always > knows which fork to use, illuminate me: > > Where do I go to surrender in the war on drugs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't that would a prudent thing to do at this juncture. } } You owe the Oracle an obnoxious hand gesture. --- 156-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I a dipshit or a dimwit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Herewith, the answer to your question. Take this short quiz. } } Do you... } read alt.flame? } read any non-Oracularities in rec.humor? } still buy LPs? } feel random, punk? } end all questions with a question mark? } serve as cashier in a convenience store? } like Cherry Coke? } whistle off-key? } argue about the X-Men? } not praise the Oracle with every question you ask? } still believe everything Ollie North said? } like Garfield? } believe in magic (in a young girl's heart)? } own a Yugo? } spit into the wind? } often? } wonder why neighbors refer to you as "slow of mind?" } drive like a hunchbacked, one-eyed mutant with no arms? } } Scoring: Count one for any yes answer. Count zero for any no answer. } Count fifty for any non yes/no answer, pinhead. } } Tabulation: If your score is ... } 0, congratulations. Join the ranks of humanity. } 1, 2 or 4, you are sliding into the depths of dimwittedness. } 3, 5-18, then you are a dipshit. } 19 or more or negative, you're a dipshit who can't add. } } You owe the Oracle some quotes from Ted Kaldis. --- 156-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Could you introduth me to the tooth fairy? I really want to meet him! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm - tricky! You see, the tooth fairy is just an imaginary creature, } invented to reduce the trauma of children losing their first teeth, so } it's a bit difficult to introduce you to him... [Him? I always thought } the tooth fairy was female.] } } Come to think of it, there may be one way... Just a moment... } } ! } iuvax % cd ~/hack/games/adventures/fantasy } iuvax % ls } Computer.sav Lisa.sav Troll.sav Wizard.sav } fantasy* fantasy.dat source/ } iuvax % fantasy } } ******************************************** } ** Welcome to FANTASY - the net.adventure ** } ** where anything can (and will) happen! ** } ******************************************** } } You are sitting in front of a terminal, in an ordinary terminal room. } A computer geek is sitting at another terminal. He is writing mail to } the Usenet Oracle. } } >restore } Enter filename: Wizard.sav } } You are in the Wizard's workroom. On the walls are cupboards, full of } strange objects, such as shrunken heads and dried bats. There is a } pentagram on the floor. On the workbench in front of you is the spell(1) } manual. } } >read manual } } The book opens at the index. Most of it is written in strange runes } which you can't read, but the following entries are in ordinary letters: } } summon } light } magic missile } create food } charm Lisa } } Which entry do you want to read? } } >summon } } NAME } summon } } SYNTAX } summon name_of_creature } } DESCRIPTION } Summons the named creature. Every creature known to the net can be } summoned, provided you give its full internet mail address. } To make the creature go back to where it came from, say } BEGONE name_of creature. } } BUGS } BEGONE sometimes doesn't work, especially if the creature is evil } and has higher mana than yourself. } } } > summon tim.geek@vax1.xxx.edu } } You hear a loud POOF and Tim Geek materializes in a cloud of green } smoke, right in front of you. } } [ Gee, it worked! By the way, to protect Tim's anonymity, I've changed } his surname. Of course, his real name isn't Geek, it's Johnson.] } } > examine Tim } } He looks like a typical computer geek in his late teens: Large } glasses, pale and spotty face, bad breath, etc etc. } } Tim Geek looks bewildered. } Tim Geek says to you: "Hey! What happened? Where am I? Who are you?" } } > tell Tim: I'm the Oracle. You wanted to meet the tooth fairy, didn't } > you? } } Tim Geek says to you: "Gee! Great!" } } > summon tooth.fairy@fairyland.childish.edu } } You hear a loud POOF and the Tooth Fairy materializes in a cloud of } green smoke, right in front of you. } } > examine Tooth Fairy } } She looks like a rather small, slender young woman with wings on her } back. Her complexion is greenish and her hair golden. She's dressed in } a rather skimpy, glittering dress. Her smile is devastating. } } > tell Tim: Didn't I tell you the Tooth Fairy was female? } } Tim Geek says to you: "I don't mind it the least!" } Tim Geek ogles the Tooth Fairy. } } > tell Fairy: I'd like you to meet Tim Geek, a client of mine. } } Tim Geek and the Tooth Fairy shake hands. } The Tooth Fairy talks to Tim Geek. } Tim Geek ogles the Tooth Fairy. } The Tooth Fairy talks to Tim Geek. } Tim Geek puts his hand up the Tooth Fairy's skirt. } The Tooth Fairy slaps Tim Geek. } Tim Geek tries to pull off the Tooth Fairy's dress. } } > tell Tim Geek: Stop it, you moron. } } Tim Geek tries to rape the Tooth Fairy. } The Tooth Fairy screams and makes a magic gesture. } Tim Geek is transformed into a wart-hog. } The Tooth Fairy disappears in a cloud of green smoke. } } > tell Tim Geek: Suits you right! } } Tim Geek grunts. } } > begone Tim Geek } } There is a clap of thunder and Tim Geek disappears in a cloud of green } smoke. } } [ What an ungrateful bastard! I'll have to do something funnier... ] } } > restore } Enter filename: Lisa.sav } } You are in Lisa's bedroom, a small, velvety room which is dominated by a } huge bed. There's a mirror on the ceiling directly above the bed. The } air smells of a heavy perfume. Lisa's vibrator collection is on display } in a glass case. Some discarded clothing is lying on the floor. } You are in the bed. } Lisa is standing in front of a mirror. She is wearing lacy, black } lingerie. } } Lisa takes off her bra. } Lisa picks up a lipstick from the table. } Lisa starts painting her nipples. } } Suddenly, you hear a loud beeping sound and luminous letters materialize } in front of you: } } } Message from iuvax!kinzler: } } Get back to work! Now! } } [ Shit! I'll have to get back to this later. ] } } > quit } Are you sure you want to quit? yes } Your score is 97648 of 100000 possible. This gives you the rank of } Usenet Oracle. } } iuvax % logout } } Excuse me, got a little carried away there. Now, why did you ask me to } introduce me to the tooth fairy when you couldn't behave yourself? } You'd better stop behaving like a nerd, or be prepared to spend the rest } of your life in a terminal room... } } You owe the Oracle a Macintosh implementation of the FANTASY game. With } animated graphics. --- 156-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What makes the world go 'round? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Having pondered your question, } The Omniscient Oracle is skeptical, } Whether the world goes 'round, } Or is its orbit elliptical? } } You've asked a question profound: } Why, you ask, does the world go 'round. } If a way was ever to be found } To utterly confuse and confound } The Usenet Oracle whose witticisms abound, } This was the question to unleash. } } The Oracle's searchin' a search space deep } .... come the dots ... while the Oracle's asleep } ............................... } ............................... } } "Sorry," says the Oracle, "No solutions found." } CPU limits exceeded, memory out of bound. } Why, O why, does the world go 'round? } Resources exceeded, the Oracle can no more rhyme, } Out of disk space, and out of CPU time, } .... . .. . The Late Oracle, Rest in Peace --- 156-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is sex with Carri like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sex with Carri is like: } } 1. Being run over by a truck full of chocolates. } 2. Having Amaretto injected directly into your jugular vein. } 3. Being boiled to death in cocoa (with marshmallows). } 4. Being impaled on a peppermint stick. } 5. Being strangled with a strawberry licorice whip. } } Well, I think you get the point. } } You owe the Oracle a dagger made out of lime drops.