From kinzler Sun May 6 18:09:17 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Sun, 6 May 90 18:04:31 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #154 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 154 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #154 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Sun, 6 May 90 18:04:31 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 149 10 votes 00541 01162 03340 21412 10423 01342 23410 01243 24310 05212 149 3.3 mean 3.6 3.9 3.1 3.0 3.6 3.7 2.4 3.9 2.3 3.0 --- 154-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a Shriner? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is! } } * } / \ } (***) } / \ } |* *| } | ^ | } | = | } \ / } | | } } Here are three and a half (back view)! } } & & & & } / \ / \ / \ / } ( )( )( ) ( } \ / \ / \ / \ } (_______________) } } And here's another one! } } & } &&& } &&&&& } ///======\\\ } ||| * * ||| } ||| ^ ||| } // --- \\ } // \\ } } And there are two of them making love off in the distance: } } <@===C } | } <@U=<> school of ><> Shriner <>< fish are ><>swimm><>ing across } my terminal! } } Gee, this terminal is just crawling with Shriners! } } You owe the Oracle some Shrine-Off! } } & } &&& } ----- <<-- Shriner poodle } | * * | } | A | } | = | } -U- --- 154-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, you who are just sooooo tubular... > What are some good uses for Debi Gibson? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You can put her in a bowl and use her as a punch, } or you can have her serve your mom a lovely twelve-course lunch, } Or you can have her type your papers and stir-fry your clothes, } Or even turn your mumblings into finely-polished prose. } Or she could plant your garden, or she could fix your pipes, } Or she could comfort you through all your groans and gripes, } Or she could build a palace, or find your one true love, } Or she could hold your chalice in a black and silken glove. } There's much that you might ask her, but one thing you must not: } You must never ask to join her on her tiny, wooden cot... --- 154-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh gloomy cherub of computerdom, oh sarcastic seer of future events > tell me this: What will the setlist be for Saturday night of the > Grateful Dead show in Carson, California be? (I will be REALLY,REALLY > impressed if you get this one right). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } First a little light Brahms, maybe some of the piano songs or a movement } or two from one of the piano concertos. Then some Schubert lieder and a } few atonal pieces (depending on the crowd reaction, I'd start with } Schoenberg and progress to Stravinski or Phillip Glass). } } After the intermission, again, depending on the crowd reaction to the } first sets, either a little Brecht/Weill medley or perhaps a full set of } the Carpenter's and Partridge Family's greatest hits. } } And, of course, the traditional encore of the "Dies Irae" from Berlioz's } "Symphonie Fantastique" will certainly leave them screaming for more. } } I just hope no one gets burned when they hold up all those lighters. } } You owe the Oracle a recording of some renaissance choral music and the } new Metallica CD. --- 154-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better: QuickC or Turbo C? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither. But have you tried UpC? Or DayC? } Or OopC-DayC? Or TeenC-WeenC? Or EenC-MeenC-MineC-MoeC? } Or PugC-WugC? Or-- oh fuk it. --- 154-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, the emptiness of life, the vacuity of the void! i feel as if I'm } falling, spinning, whirling, descending into the vortex of nonbeing and } nullity! Alas, alas, the world itself dissolves, crumbles, } disintegrates! There is nothing! All is emptiness! Alas, the void! } Emptiness! Woe! --- 154-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > bl00p? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good job. Now everyone in the jacuzzi knows you farted. The } cute girl you've been talking to for over an hour just got up and } left, disgusted. Even your best friend is leaving. You idiot. } That's what makes you a nerd. --- 154-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I fart a lot. Hundreds of times a day. I've tried changes in diet > and exercise, I've tried simethicone tablets, I've tried everything > I can think of. Should I give up trying to stop farting, and instead > try to become the successor to the great Le Petomaine, who had a > famuos theater act consisting entirely of carfully-modulated farts? > Or should I try some other remedy -- if so, what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, I can't tell you whether you could be Le Petomaine II, because } you don't say whether or not your farts are "carefully-modulated". } Of course, there are other entertaining uses of farting. Farting } through a cigarette lighter, to produce a rush of flame from your ass, } is a popular party trick (provided you don't burn the house down). } } Commercial uses of farting are becoming popular. For example, you can } sell the methane you produce -- or use it yourself to heat your house. } } But where the money is these days in room-clearing. Many organizations } are willing to pay big bucks to people who, while seemingly suave and } wholesome, are rather unpleasant to be around. For example, company } directors who would rather not face awkward questions at stockholder } meetings will hire unpleasant people as room-clearers. But bikers and } bums are too obvious -- people would suspect something. But a } well-dressed farter such as yourself can do the job just as well, and no } one would suspect the trick. } } You owe the Oracle time to leave the building. --- 154-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Biff Biff Biffy! > Muff Muff Muffy! > What's in it for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Biff Biff Biffy! } Gotta get a gob of "Jiffy"! } Gotta slob a blob all over Mom } And tell 'er she looks spiffy! } } Muff Muff Muffy! } Do I look like Patrick Duffy? } Will I wash my socks and get de-tox'ed } And feel all warm and fluffy? } } Ding Dang a-Dingo! } Do ya like my Latin lingo? } Just mash my face in Elmers paste } And watch me win at bingo! } } Well wait a muckin' minute! } What for YOU is in it? } Tracie Chapman, Charlie Chaplin, } And most the House and Senate! } } } You owe the Oracle a lurid video tape. --- 154-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Irrelevant turquoise incantatory parrot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. --- 154-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mighty Oracle: > > I'm a bit concerned about your high priest, Stephen Kinzler. I mean, in > order to select the best oracularities for publication, he has to read > *all* of them - including the really stupid questions (about woodchucks > etc) and inane answers (the ones that were written by your janitor) - > hundreds of them, every day. > > Won't this have some adverse effects on his brain, at least in the long > run? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, S.K. has a lot of little helpers -- but they have to go through } all of their chunks of drivel as well. So you see that you should be } worried about them as well. } } Actually it's no worse than reading talk.bizarre religiously. Certainly } it will have some adverse effects on the brains of S.K. and his } assistants, but remember that they're all brave volunteers, risking life } and sanity to glean a few gems out of this huge heap of dung. They are } made of stern stuff, these brave, proud few.