From kinzler Fri May 4 20:29:54 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Fri, 4 May 90 20:27:43 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #153 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 153 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #153 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Fri, 4 May 90 20:27:43 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 148 13 votes 30532 22441 06223 22441 01246 18220 12433 13324 03343 12451 148 3.2 mean 3.1 3.0 3.2 3.0 4.2 2.4 3.4 3.4 3.5 3.2 --- 153-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why > isn't > everyone > writing > right-justified > text? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } .txet sdrawkcab gnitirw t'nsi enoyreve nosaer emas eht roF. } .daer ot ssa eht ni niap a s'tI } } You owe the Oracle a foolproof way to determine whether or not } someone has written palindromes forwards or backwards. --- 153-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Wouldn't you like a nice cold Bud right now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh no! It's started! Now the advertising agents are selling Internet } space! They're not satisfied with hiding trees behind ugly billboard } signs, plaguing our favorite music station with offensive drivel, and } jamming the television waves with bright colors and sound that is } actually legally allowed to be 35% louder than the TV program! No, now } they're invading our e-mail boxes! What next? Will the system of the } day tell us what brand of floppy disk to buy? Will ad agencies buy } accounts on systems, write to random people, trying to sell them } something? They already hassle our phones! You can take your beer and } shove the cold cylindrical object where it'd most likely fit! } } You owe the Oracle your instant retreat. --- 153-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the call number of the all-oratorio radio station in Boston? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. That's a good question. Since I know everything, I don't usually } listen to radio. Let's dial it up on the old crystal set and see: } } } BBBZZZZZTTTT..... } } ...and pork bellies are up 2 and 1/8... } } BBBZZZZTTT... } } ...oh, baby, I want it, I need it, oh, yeah.... } } ...BBBBZZZZTTT... } } ...here on you all oratory radio for the greater Boston area, we are } W-IND, all talk, all the time. I'm Percy Cadwalleter, your WINDbag } daily, from 2 to 6 inn the afternoon. And here's our jingle: } } A gust of hot air, } It came from where? } W-IND, all hot air, all the time. } } Don't forget our schedule of upcoming events from WIND, all talk, all } the time. This Saturday, we have Dr. Farkas,eminent doctor, and author } of the book, "Toe Jam is too Simple", a compendium of all manners of } foot ailments, from athelete's foot to zits. He will give us a 3 hour } discussion on fungus related skin ailments, fascinating! Sunday, our } morning breakfast show will include a visit to Dr. Eileen Fimble, the } Official WIND Speach therapist, who will lead us in an hour of Live, } yes, you heard it, live mouth exercises, which when done in a regular } regime, will in fact help you to talk 30 to 50% longer than you ever } could before. Our weekly self help series will conclude next monday } evening with "Polyester: Miracle fabric or Spawn of Satan", an } examination of correlations btween the rise of Satanism and human } sacrifice in the Boston Metro area and the recurrence of Polyester } clothing on apprehended Satanists. Yes, all wind, all the time, WIND, } the strong wind from across the Bay. and now to our own Fred Herbson in } Milwaukee, who is standing by at the school debate chamipionship with } the play by play. Take it away Fre... } } ...BBBZZZTT. } } Well, there's your radio station. Don't tell me, plaid shirt, plastic } pocket liner, toughskins, white socks, horn rim glasses, right? I can } spot a nerd a mile away. } } You owe the Oracle better reception. --- 153-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you believe in magic? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only in a young girl's heart. } } You owe the Oracle an oldie. --- 153-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So who are we today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm the Usenet Oracle, of course. } } (No you're not.) } } Yes I am! I'm the Oracle! I know all, I see all! } } (We both know that you're really Tommy Skinklewitz, a geeky computer } nerd who writes Oracularities because you can't get laid.) } } No! Tommy's dead! He exists no more! Now and forever, I am the Oracle! } } (You're a geek with thick glasses and zits!) } } SHUT UP! SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP! } } (Tommy's a weenie! Tommy's a weenie!) } } MAKE HIM SHUT UP! MAKE HIM GO AWAY! } } [Mr. Skinklewitz? It's time for your lithium, dear. And look, we have } a nice, clean straitjacket for you!] } } NOOOOO! I'M THE ORACLE! THE ONE AND ONLY ORACLE! } } [Sure you are, dear. Now hold still while I feed you your pudding.] } } AAAAAAH! I WANNA TALK TO KINZLER! I WANNA TALK TO KINZLER! --- 153-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Was she on the Pill? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unfortunately not. Congradualations Daddy! } } You owe the oracle a chance to be the godfather. --- 153-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, wise oracle, great one of wisdom, whenever my girlfriend and I are > eh s333 pppn Er333 ccc 333 ccc, ,ee , w789 aheseh I9 am tee scurvy te > kssthns nsw www rre r 789 amy smd tryr ry p 333 ppp 987 .a . . . E > hEEEh a yr333 l333 333 lll s---se e 9 an333 ggg 333 ccc, ,ee , w789 > ntn n nter ree rnn 78y m t ettteee 789 afat te kssbab bas sss > asts ree r e789 af333 l333 s sx e 987 9 an,w heshs333 e333 > msss ss v, e 987 9 a pray grntn nt m m e 987 9 aths e333 y f yeur > and so what can we do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to convince her that when you are typing, it is not appropriate } for her to perform fellatio on you. } } And if she spits, the keyboard might get all gummed up. } } Happy to oblige. --- 153-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > djhs k And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } djhs k, } On a one- horse open sleigh, } What a thing to say- } I know what you weigh! (Ha ha ha!) } } 2b Biff u (#*@&$, } A word I cannot quote, } Maybe you would have more luck } With scribbled post- it notes! OH, } } djh, djh, djhsk, } Nothing's that inspiring about djhsk, OH } djh, djh, djhsk, } I think you're conspiring to completely wreck my day! } } You owe the Oracle several tubes of "M- Y Jelly, the Muse Lubricant." --- 153-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > After the nuclear war, what will I miss most? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Everyone seems to think that nuclear war is going to be such a } terrible time. Sure, everything on the face of the earth will } be burnt to a crisp, most major highways will have melted, and } Don King's hair will be no more, but no one ever considers all } the benefits of the nuclear aftermath. How about a top ten list? } } [1] School will be cancelled. } [2] Wealth will become more evenly distributed. } [3] The glow from nuclear radiation will put sunsets and the aurora } borealis to shame. } [4] You can cook a 20-lb. turkey in 3 minutes by placing it outside. } [5] If you save the life of a cute girl by taking her into your } fallout shelter before the strike hits, you'll have absolutely } no problem talking her into sex. } [6] All those jerks who actually have enough time to go out and get } a tan will finally go pale, like you. } [7] That ugly mass of track homes a couple blocks away will be } destroyed: since they were all built from the same blueprint, } they have no genetic means to adapt, and will die. } [8] The government can save money by not having to worry about } cleaning up all those toxic waste dumps any more. } [9] We'll finally find a practical way to reduce our nuclear } arsenal. } [A] You will finally be able to smoke all the pot you want without } the government bothering you. } } As for what you'll miss the most, it'll probably be your life. } Because no matter what everyone thinks, fallout shelters are just } that, shelters from the fallout. They don't do squat for the } strike. In fact they'll all collapse when the bomb hits. } } You owe the Oracle a world beyond war. --- 153-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's this guy standing over my terminal, showing me what the > Oracle is. Is he hitting on me, or did someone pay him to come > up and talk to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me look. Good gravy! That's Brian Gorsifer! What the fuck is } Brian doing there, making passes at random undergraduate women? I hired } him three weeks ago to fix the ion detoxifiers in Marybelle, CA. Gosh } darn it, you just can't get good help anymore. Look, help me out, would } you -- hit him in the balls with this sledgehammer. Don't worry about } damaging him -- his masculinity is already pretty worthless. } } Thanks, } The Oracle