From kinzler Wed May 2 19:24:41 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Wed, 2 May 90 19:23:17 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #152 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 152 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #152 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Wed, 2 May 90 19:23:17 -0500 @@@ Beginning with this volume, the voting summary for the fifth previous @@@ volume will be included here. See the recent posting to rec.humor.d @@@ and the oracle distribution list for an explanation of the summary @@@ format and the summaries for volumes 100 through 146. To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 147 12 votes 12441 11424 52203 30324 06402 24222 42150 63210 13323 05133 147 2.9 mean 3.2 3.6 2.5 3.3 2.8 2.8 2.6 1.8 3.3 3.3 --- 152-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If Socrates was a man, and so was Nietzsche...and if God is dead and > ducks are birds...and if Ray Charles is blind and so is love...and > if God is love...and if Nietzsche is dead...is Ray Charles Nietzsche? > And are dead ducks blind? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } is! Beware, lest all your isizziness goes fizz! --- 152-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I leave for summer vacation in a few days. Do you have any words > of wisdom for me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. DO NOT START AT RATS TO NOD! } } 2. It's better to boogie with the beavers than be beaten by the bears. } } 3. If corn were fish, then Indiana would be an ocean. } } 4. It doesn't matter if your girl has severe body odor when you're both } underwater. } } 5. It's better to boogie with the bears than be beaten by the balrogs. } } 6. You're still alive. That means you should consult the Wall Street } Journal. } } 7. The catsup of happiness is better than the mustard of sorrow. } } 8. Life, like all other small objects, is likely to fall out of your } pocket and roll under a couch cushion unless you're careful. } } 9. Anyone who can't spell "perpendicular" is a complete shit. } } 10. It is better to boogie with the bison than banter with the } brontosaurus. } } 11. The true objective of marriage is to ensure that one's life is } hair-raising. } } 12. Look! Up there, in the sky! It's George Bush! } } 13. Better to bite bullets with the bums than bring beans to the } bureaucrats. } } 14. The only thing cooler than a Romulan is a new footstool! } } 15. Better to bitch about butter than be bashed with a bannister. } } 16. Lemon juice and walnut oil are *not* a substitute for balsamic } vinegar and olive oil in salad dressings. } } 17. If you take off Cindy's clothes, she won't sleep with you. } } 18. The opinions expressed herein are *NOT* those of Digital Equipment } Corporation. Of course, there's no reason why they should be, as } I'm writing this from (say) Indiana University not DEC, and have } never been paid a cent by DEC (well, once they gave me a check for } 190 yen, but that was a mistake, although I *did* cash it, being } rather strapped for money at the time, but it turns out that 190 yen } is enough to get one cup of mocha java at Penucchi's, which I quite } happily did, and it was a good cut of mocha java, but DEC made me } pay them back later, though they did accept American money instead } of yen, so anyways, I really don't have much of a connection to DEC } and so I don't see why I should write a disclaimer, but six lawyers } and suits from DEC showed up at my door a couple hours ago and said } that everything I write had to include a disclaimer about not repre- } senting DEC, something about my being an artificial intellect } running on a VAX (VAX is a trademark of DEC -- also of Sears, who } use the slogan "nothing sucks like a Vax"), and so I've got to } include this fucking disclaimer. Just wait 'till Olson writes me a } query, though. I know what I'm going to ask him in return, and it } won't be newt eyes either. } } You owe the Oracle a question. From K. Olson. --- 152-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is she posting details of my personal life on alt.sex.bondage FROM MY > ACCOUNT USING MY USERNAME? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Only if you're so dumb that you didn't change your password after you } broke up with her. } } You owe the Oracle a question upon which I can write pages and pages, } not 4 lines. And I had to squeeze the last 2 in, too. --- 152-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Ok, I have sent you this question through my patented "Time Mailer" > (tm). What I want to know is, does it work? It should reach you before > I send it. In fact, you should get it before I even fini And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should get this reply bef --- 152-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are "golden showers?" And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What falls from the McDonald's logo when lots of birds sit on it. --- 152-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh all-telling and shiny Oracle most wildly extraordinarily > extraordinarily great, I abase myself before your really reluctant > wisdom. It is clearly my FATE to rule the entire universe, a FATE which > was assigned to me at the age of two. But my life grows short and > boring, and I wish to achieve this FATE before I get too old to enjoy > it. It would be past endurance, I think, to rule the world when I were > twenty-one, and already able to buy liquor -- that's half-way to world > domination already. The other half is sex, and nobody can enjoy sex > when they're over 21 or 22. So how do I do it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My, how you plebians are of such little understanding.... What } sophmoric attitude made you think that nobody can enjoy sex after 21? I } once knew a man 80 years of age married a woman of the tender age of 19. } I, in my infinite wisdom, suggested he get a "boarder" to keep his wife } happy. When I saw him not 3 months later, I asked about his wife and } the "boarder". He said they were both pregnant. } } Now my young pupil, as for buying liquor.. Liquor is the root of all } evil, the world is full of evil people. If you can buy liquor for the } evil people, you'll have more than just half-way to world domination. --- 152-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that all my computer says to me everytime I try to have an > intelligent conversation with it on some such subject - for example - > art or environmental issues or the weather or politics or the price of > Vodka at the local bottle store or the next door neighbours cat or the > share market or my favourite holiday destination or where I get my hair > done or what's happening in the latest serials or my favourite books or > my favourite restaurant or the latest saga at work or how my horse is > going or ANYTHING, is "INVALID COMMAND VERB" - boring!! Mind you it > does say Good Morning or Good Afternoon but that kinda has its > limitations as far as conversation goes and it gets a little stilted > after the first line or so *especially* when all I get is this rude > looking message INVALID COMMAND VERB when I say `Good morning' > back.....I ask you!! why? ...mutter mutter nasty mutter rude mutter > mutter hhmmpphh mutter growl pah!..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } INVALID COMMAND VERB --- 152-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Omnicient Oracle of Old, open one orifice or odious occurrences > obviously'll occur! > > Answer me this: Are all art majors weird, and if so, why? > > Your Supplicant, > -- Scott And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ------ } / \ } / \ } weird | i am not } ********weird | \ } weird \ I speak Spanish without a Dutch } \ \ accent } \----------\ I have no high-intensity search } | -lights mounted on my head } \ I am not from Latvia or Darkest } | Michigan. } \ I do not emit weirdness beams } I don't masturbate with tablecloths \ } I don`t finger George Regnery \ } \ Not without strong rubber } | gloves anyway! } \ I have five lovers, one for } | each weekday. } \ I don't wear metal clothing. } \ I'm not named Tark Befurber } I don't lick zucchini in grocery stores much\ } I'm not in love with a small black pony \ } I don't attack people with plastic spoons \ } I don't close U.S. navy bases with cello tape / } I'm not from Austin, Texas, and good thing / } I don't pretend to have an imaginary horse / } / I'm not wearing a } | diaphragm now! } / I don't think comets are } | funny. } / I don't have a 1-800 number! } / I don't worship kitchen } | timers! } / I don't often worship } | Prokofiev either! } / I make my hamburgers with } | fresh ham! } / I am short, fat, and sexy. } I don't wash my burgers before eating/ } I don't french fry icicles. / } I don't stir fry Beatles albums / } I don't have a rune / } I don't read Tarot for cats / } / I sometimes wear clothes to class. } / I don't wash my sweatshirts in 7-up } / And I don't smear my roommates' butt } with glue, not even when she puts her } dirty boots on my bed at three in the } morning when I'm sleeping in it. } } So why do you think all art majors are weird? --- 152-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I started urinating when I was a small child, and I have been > unable to curtail the habit since. What will this lead to? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is really serious. I'm glad you called me before this became } dangerous. Urinating on a regular basis could lead to other nasty } addictions like eating, sleeping at least once a week, an unending } desire to be like Bart Simpson, and a strange desire to study for } finals. This is why urinating is bad. If you are a urinater, and need } help, call Urinaters Anonomous at 1-800-I-DO-PISS. Get help today! } } You owe the Oracle a toilet brush. --- 152-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh illustrious and haploid Oracle, whose omniscience delights the gods > themselves, please, grant me this morsel of your wisdom. Is everyone > who doesn't flame people right and left truly wishy-washy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is an interesting question, you submoronic space-heater. Many } intelligent people, as opposed to you, have discussed, an unknown } skill for you, this problem, you have so many, at great length, like } your nose. Flaming is more than a mere sticking together of randomly } chosen insults, you licker of sewer residue. A proper flame must flow } smoothly, like the greenish liquid out of your genitals. The victim } should both be humbled, a constant state for you, and angry, like your } mother was after you were born. My answer is yes, you are truly } wishy-washy. } } You owe the Oracle a stiffer spine.