From kinzler Tue Apr 24 15:12:40 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 24 Apr 90 15:06:03 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #148 Reply-To: oracle-vote === 148 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #148 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 24 Apr 90 15:06:03 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 148-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, may the benevolent light of Krishna shine down on > your blasphemous head and lead you to the path of light and > beauty, and to the happiness that only a funny haircut and > an orange bedsheet can bring. I do have a question for you, > because even though you a slanderous hypocritical heathen, blind > to the glow of the true believer, you have some baser knowledge > of the mundane earthbound things common to the human animal. > My question is this: At the airport is the white zone for the > immediate loading and unloading of passengers only, or is that > the yellow zone? Since I saw Airplane I haven't been able to > figure that one out, and I practically live at the airport. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Basardo! I have enflonged thee once too often! From beyond the } gahalliments of time, I have bespied thy meamy bisanderings through the } alacty of prain. The very melegnoi flear from thy beshant; no decent } porkoo would be found ashant you! Behold! Yea, even so far as dread } Kansas City, the Federal judges avoid thy harility and quarm -- bedecked } with sunfis and ballantine, they traguip through blayse and } tchitchitiroles, rather than share bottled water with you! Fear not, } drogy plissifer -- for the mandibles of thy doom are being sharpened, } and the delfungus is boiling and sloon. } } Yet, after all is said and done, I must answer your question: } } The white zone is for the evunculement of alangidaries, the yellow for } the prodisement of leudules. There must be no confusion here. --- 148-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > $5000? Isn't that a bit much? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not at all. For that money you get the deluxe sex-change, complete with } all-natural female hormones extracted from the urine of pregnant mares, } carefully-sculpted female genitals complete with a pseudo-clitoris made } from what was your glans, segments removed from your leg bones to make } your shorter, silicone implants for a good set of hooters, extensive } plastic surgery to your face to make you look like the young Garbo, and } extensive courses in feminine behavior. The Oracle has no idea why you } aren't happy being a man (despite Its near-omniscience), but if this is } what you want, you're getting a bargain. --- 148-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the average sexual measurement of a male and female? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 0.25-0.5 Hz. --- 148-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just failed a test in my major. (Computer Science) > What now? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now? Now? Now, you ask? Now you will be turned into a donkey, flayed } alive, slung into the Pit of Vicious Stinging Koala Bears, and slowly } roasted on a spit. Now you will be disintegrated molecule by molecule. } Now the Crab of Doom will call and leave messages on your answering } machine. Now you will be beaten to a pulp by several gentlemen named } Luigi. Now the Martian Death Wasps will sting you with their laser } rays. Now the CIA will investigate and publicize all your "games" with } Muffy and Jason and their little dog Spot. Now the Mind Flayers will } come to eat your brain. Now you will be blindfolded, handcuffed, } stripped, and forced to perform humiliating sex acts on the stage in } front of the entire C.S. department, including the cute secretary } you've had a crush on for the whole year. } } Understand? --- 148-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why hasn't anybody murdered Robin Leach yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nobody can find enough salt to pour on him. --- 148-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I've got two legs, from my hips to the ground, and when I move them > they walk around. And when I lift them they climb the stairs, and > when I shave them they ain't got hairs. What am I? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You are a trout, all cajun and black, } You make love to mermen all flat on your back, } You write porno novels all sleazy and trash, } And when the feds raid you're gone in a flash. --- 148-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is COBOL so difficult, obstinate, and ornery yet so popular > in the business world? And why do cobol compilers detect errors that > aren't really there? Pascal doesn't do that. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, yuh see, COBOL is the best durn fuckin' langgage in the whole } fuckin' WORLD! It beets the fuckin' shit out o' RPG2. It beets the } fuckin' shit out o' BASIC, 'like, 'cause not every fuckin' statement has } to have a fuckin' line number. It beets the fuckin' shit out o' } FORTRAN, cause it's got a fukin' ALTER LABEL-1 TO PROCEED TO LABEL-2 } statement which is a whole fuckin' lot better than the fuckin' assigned } goto. It beets the fuckin' shit out of those highbrow langgages they } teach yez in school! } } Compiler catches errors that aren't really there? Huh! It's just } keeping yez on your toes! So don't give me any of that fuckin' shit, } youngling! } } Yez owes the Oracle a COBOL-9x compiler, for the fucin' newfangled } object-oriented, parallel, vectorizing COBOL. --- 148-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's this red button for ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mr. Quayle! How many times do I have to tell you not to play with } Uncle Bush's toys! Danny! I'm gonna spank you! } } You owe the oracle a swift apology. --- 148-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who wrote 20,000 LEAGUES BENEATH THE SEA? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I did! No, really! That bastard Verne ripped my idea off and didn't } even dedicate the book to me! And since extradimensional entities have } no legal rights, there was nothing I could do. Look, I'll prove it to } you! Now where is that thing...ah! } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > Do you have any good ideas for Eddie Murphy's next film? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } As a matter of fact I do! It has to do with this African king who } } comes to America to find a wife^C } } Oops! Let me try again... } } The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. } Your question was: } } > I need a good idea for a science fiction adventure novel. Could you } > give me one? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Sure! Why don't you set it underwater? With my far-reaching } } knowledge of the future, I can tell you that in less than a century, } } submarine craft will be common, used in fighting wars and launching } } missiles and inspiring movies starring Sean Connery. } } } } Let's see, you could call the book THREE MILES BELOW SEA LEVEL! } } Yeah! It'll be all about this futuristic submarine run by a mad } } captain. Let's call him...Captain Nemo. That's it! Captain James T. } } Nemo! } } } } Let me outline a scene in script form! } } } } Nemo : Captain's Log, 3:00 Saturday Afternoon. We are answering a } } distress call from a large whale that is being attacked by } } sharks. Mr. Spackle, what is our estimated time of arrival? } } Spackle : Burble glub blubby gurg! } } Nemo : Mr. Spackle, please remove your head from the fishbowl before } } you answer! } } Spackle : Sorry, sir. As you are no doubt aware, my half-human, } } half-tuna physiology requires that I breath water at least } } three hours a day. We should arrive at our destination any } } moment now. } } Nemo : Mr. Sununu, give me a view of whale on the screen. } } Sununu : Oooh! That's nasty! They're really munching down! } } Nemo : Fire phasers! } } Spackle : No effect. } } Nemo : Fire photon torpedoes! } } Spackle : No effect. } } Nemo : Hmm. Maybe it's because we're underwater. Fire large rocks! } } Spackle : We have their attention, sir. } } Sununu : Sir, they're coming at us! They have guns! Those aren't } } ordinary sharks! Those are...Klingoid Sharks!!! } } Nemo : Mr. McScott! Get us out of here! Full JetSki drive!! } } McScott : Och, sir, I can't! There's seaweed cloggin' the dilithium } } tubes and it'll take time to clear! } } } } OOOH! Isn't that exciting! Tell me what you think! } } You owe the Oracle credit. } } Well, like I said, I never got any. To add insult to injury, that } bonehead Roddenberry ripped off the same idea!! I get no breaks, let } me tell you. } } You owe the Oracle the name of the guy who stole his lyrics for "Girl } U Know It's True" --- 148-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is Salman Rushdie now? Has he had plastic surgery? I promise not > to reveal his whereabouts to anyone who might hurt him. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Although I strongly distrust your less than convincing promise to do } Salman no harm, I will enlighten you with the top ten clues as to the } whereabouts to Salman Rushdie. } } Top Ten Clues as to the Whereabouts of Salman Rushdie } --- --- ----- -- -- --- ----------- -- ------ ------- } } 10. My, doesn't Phyllis Diller look different after that last } facelift. } } 9. Check out that new funeral parlor that advertises - SR's Satanic } Hearses. } } 8. There's an interesting new shop on the Atlantic City boardwalk that } boasts: fortunes told, palms read, and hexes placed on in-laws - no } appointment necessary. } } 7. Have Ozzy Ozbourne and Salman Rushdie ever been seen in the same } place at the same time? } } 6. Did you ever wonder why that bum in central park keeps chanting } "caveh alaai satani regii." } } 5. That vendor following the Grateful Dead selling the fried, } refried and re-refried falafel looks mighty suspicious. } } 4. Did you see the Sesame Street episode, sponsored by the letter 'S' } and - oops sorry thats Solomon Grundy. } } 3. What's the name of that new VJ on MTV, you know, the one who hosts } Headbangers Ball? } } 2. Who is that dark complected golfer who makes up the foursome with } Pete Rose, Jimmy the Greek and Jim Valvano? } } And the number one clue as to the wherebouts of Salman Rushdie is... } (Drum roll please...) } } 1. Have you noticed how that new clerk at the seven-eleven always } stares so fiendishly into the wienie roaster!!! } } } You owe the oracle a satanic slurpee.