From kinzler Mon Apr 16 15:59:40 1990
Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 90 15:55:32 -0500
From: Stephen Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
To: oracle-list
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #145
Reply-To: oracle-vote

=== 145 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #145
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: Mon, 16 Apr 90 15:55:32 -0500

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
    100
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

--- 145-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle, He Whose Underarm Hair Is Always Neat And Tidy ...
>
> Why is is that I dislike (make that hate) obnoxious kids in real life
> and on most sitcoms even though I can't get enough of Bart Simpson from
> The_Simpsons?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  Bart is the quintessential kid, he says the things that all mortals
} wish they had said in a similar circumstance.  Just imagine if you could
} relive your childhood and say to your old fifth grade teacher, Mrs.
} Klarmfelder, "Don't have a cow man" or call your old grade school
} principle Mr.  Fofenhoofer "Hom Boy".  That is why you like Bart, he's
} cool man !
}
}  On the other hand, real children do not amuse anyone.  They are snot
} gobbling porch apes with the social graces of a garden slug.  They are
} not clever or bright.  They let their teachers walk all over them and
} then whine and cry in a public place to get even.  Their parents wish
} they had invested in reliable birth control, they let the children pout
} and cry to get even at you, because you have a life which they no longer
} have.  If you say clever and mean things to the little tots such as,
} "Hey kid, how'd ya like to have yer picture on a milk carton ?" Their
} parents will take this as a personal affront.  You can't win.
}
}  You owe the Oracle a VHS tape of the entire Simpsons collection
} starting from the Christmas season opener.  Cool Man !

--- 145-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do so few girls wear a bra nowadays?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Because, as your letter implies, there is only "a bra" for all
} 3,524,625,352 of them.  Granted, it's a really big bra.  Granted, when
} laid on its side it can keep the rain off of Fort Worth and Dallas
} simultaneously.  But no girl on earth can use this bra save one
} girl--and that girl is you!  Yes, you, Leta Sponaugle from Saint
} Albans, WV!  Your bosom is immense.  Your breasts are gargantuan,
} transcontinental, ubiquitous, omnipresent.  Each of them has its own
} zip code.  You are required by law to wear small red flashing lights
} on your nipples when you sleep at night so that low-flying planes do
} not crash into your cleavage.  And you, Leta, are the only one of
} enough prominence to wear this colossal brassiere.  Invented in 1917
} for the World's Fair in Akron, Ohio, this superstructure took 360,000
} men 18 years to build.  It includes the cotton of five million sheep,
} and the underwire consists of a steel beam weighing 640 tons.  The
} elastic band is made from a nylon-rubber polymer, and of course you
} remember the disastrous Strap Snap of 1938 in which 260 people in
} three cities were killed.  Leta Sponaugle, don this bra!  Place your
} massive, overabundant breasts into its voluminous confines!  Do what
} is right for your country, your family, your God, and your cleavage!
} ...
}
} Okay, I'm lying.  There are other bras in the world.  Sue me.  I'm the
} fucking Oracle.  I can say whatever I damn well please.
}
} Leta, try a D-cup.
}
} You owe the Oracle a stammered excuse for sinking the Titanic.

--- 145-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What the hell is it with Gorbachev?  First he wants to introduce freedom
> into the communist world, and now he wants to beat the hell out of
> Lithuania for trying to break away?  Why the hell isn't he making any
> sense?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Mr. Quayle!  Mr. Quayle, calm down.  We'll see if we can't sort this
} thing out.  Okay, let's look at Gorbachev for a minute.  He's a nice,
} round guy, pleasantly plump: a great joy at parties.  He gets along
} well with children and small animals.  He has a large unexplainable
} blotch in the middle of his forehead.  He smiles when he talks, except
} when he's eating; then he places a napkin in front of his mouth before
} talking.  When he burps, he says the Russian equivalent of "excuse
} me," which is "vsjiikasd sidwdifkessw asdeiflas."  Mr. Quayle?  Stay
} awake, Mr. Quayle: this is all real important, now.
}
} He was eating dinner with Lithuania last night, and he paid for it and
} left a 15% tip.  But during the second course, he burped and said
} "vsjiikasd sidwdifkessw asdeiflas."  However, everyone at the table
} misheard Mr. Gorbachev through his mouthful of borscht: they thought
} he said "vsjiikasd siddwifkessw asdeiflas," which in Russian is
} equivalent to "drink at the rump of a cow."  A little scuffle over the
} third course ensued, and Mom had to come in to break it up.  But
} rumors being rumors, and people being people, and cows' rumps being
} cows' rumps, Gorbachev eventually sent the tanks in.
}
} All over a simple misunderstanding through borscht.
}
} >Message from kinzler!iuvax on ttyp3 at 23:22 ...
} >
} >If it were only that simple, Oracle.

--- 145-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> One of my officemates here has purchased a condo on fashionable Beacon
> Hill in Boston.  Unfortunately, the real estate market has become
> depressed, and his home is now worth less than he paid for it.  How can
> he recoup his losses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well there are several options. Here are a couple.
}
} 1. Go into business. Since the condo is obviously in a very high-class
} area, why not treat the residents to an exotic taste of the slums by
} opening Beacon Hill's first crack house? Not only can your friend make
} hundreds of thousands of dollars supplying fixes, but he/she can charge
} the rich neighbors admission to see junkies in their native
} environment.
}
} 2. Why not let the state pick up some of the tab by renting several of
} the excess rooms as a prison extension? It's a wonderful way to make
} extra dough and requires no effort on your friend's part, as long as
} he/she doesn't mind hardened criminals hogging the TV and drinking all
} the beer.
}
} But I sense your friend really needs help, let me see what I can do.
}
} >rlogin blue.chip.com
} login: boesky
} Password:
} login incorrect
}
} (Damn! They must have removed his account. Hmm...)
}
} >rlogin chase.manhattan.com
} login: richboy
} Password:
}
} (Boy, being an Oracle and knowing everything sure makes hacking a
}  breeze!)
}
} >ls
} bucks.$$$  lotsmoremoney.$$$    money.$$$
} cash.$$$   megabucks.$$$        moremoney.$$$
}
} (Drool! Let's see.)
}
} >mv money.$$$ /[name omitted -ed]/account
}
} (There you go!)
}
} >mv megabucks.$$$ /oracle/account
} >mv lotsmoremoney.$$$ /oracle/account
}
} (Don't look at me like that! I'm doing all the work! SHEESH!)
} >logout
} Connection closed.
}
} (One more thing.)
} >rlogin drainem.irs.bastards.com
} login: moneysuckingrodent
} Password:
} Password2:
} Really Really Secret Password That Nobody Knows Except Us:
}
} (Boy, they're real pissers when it comes to security!)
}
} Okay, I guess you're legit.
} Welcome to IRS Bloodsucker Central running Grubber_UNIX v4.1
}
} IRSBC will be down April 17-20, conveniently allowing the tax forms of
} all IRS employees to go unprocessed.
}
} *** WARNING TO HACKERS! Being caught hacking into this machine is ***
} *** punishable by torture, castration, decapitation, and the      ***
} *** forfeiture of your tax refund! Keep out! We mean it, you      ***
} *** sneaky little shits!                                          ***
}
} >cat /accounts/[name omitted]/taxinfo
} Tax owed   : $3,185.92
} Tax refund : $0
} Fi^C
}
} >vi /accounts/[name omitted]/taxinfo
} Tax owed   : $0
} Tax refund : $700,000,000.01
} :q
}
} (Heh, heh! Bet you'll be sitting by the mailbox for the next month!)
}
} [RUMBLE! BOOM!]
}
} (Uh-oh.)
}
} ### FEE-FY-FOH-FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A STUPID SHIT HACKER!!!! ###
}
} (Hey! That doesn't even rhyme!)
}
} ### I'm the IRS Guard-Daemon! I don't have to rhyme! You are in big
} trouble, hacker!! ###
}
} (How'd you know I was a hacker?)
}
} ### Because you increased your refund and decreased your tax.
} Self-respecting IRS employees only *increase* tax. ###
}
} (Oh. What are you going to do to me?)
}
} ### A squadron of the IRS Secret Police has been dispatched to your
} home. You will be picked up and spend many decades in a smelly
} prison. ###
}
} (Well, I guess I'd better go prepare myself.)
}
} >logout
} Connection closed.
}
} Sorry about this, but I have to cut my losses.
} You owe the Oracle your forgiveness when you get out in 30 years.

--- 145-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is Lisa good in bed?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} @@@ Question intercepted by STUPID.COM
} @@@ Oracle Stupid Question Parser V3.2 (c) 1990
} <debug mode>
} <init.c>
} inline: Is Lisa good in bed?
} Parser loading...done.
} Dictionary loading...done.
} Pistol loading...done.
} <precompile.c>
} sexual reference: Lisa
} sexual reference: bed
} sexual reference: good in bed
} WARNING! recursive parse
} inline: Is sex good in sex sex sex sex sex sex sex seBuffer overflow
} Removing redundant references...done.
} inline: Is good in?
} <humorref.c>
} Attempting to find computer humor in inline...Failed.
} Attempting to find remote login humor in inline...Failed.
} Attempting to compose poem with keywords
}   POEM
}   finding rhymes
}   sex
}   flecks
}   necks
}   wrecks
}   decks
}   hex
}   pecks
}   narthex
} Poem failed.
} Attempting to find sex humor in inline...Found sex reference at 4
} Is good in?
}    ^
}    GOOD + IN = COPULATION
} Flag "sex" set.
} Replacing...done.
} inline: Is copulation?
} <response.c>
} Table lookup xref's "sex"...done.
} "copulation" Searching...Found 17 references
} Selecting reference
}   Eenie
}   Meenie
}   Miney
}   Mo
} Form of response:
}
} Ah, you write to the Oracle about ($1).  This is most depressing since
} the Oracle is the most ($2) being in the Universe.  However, I will
} in fact tell you that ($3) is ($4).
}
} You owe the Oracle a ($5).
}
} Parsing response...done.
} Response:
}
} Ah, you write to the Oracle about SEX.  This is most depressing since
} the Oracle is the most copulation being in the universe.  However, I
} will in fact tell you that SEX is SEX.
}
} You owe the Oracle a Segmentation fault (core dumped).

--- 145-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle most wise, who knows everything in the universe, even the
> naughty bits,
>
> Please sing me a song extolling the virtues of Unix.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh give me home,
} where the hackers roam,
} and the code gets
} larger all day.
}
} (God to Oracle... God to Oracle... Come in Oracle...
} Yes sir?
} (They're going to go to sleep on that one, try something with more pep
} OK.  How 'bout this
}
} Take me down to a UNIX city,
} where the screen is grey and
} the opsys is gritty,
} take me homeee
}
} (God to Oracle... God to Oracle... I don't think that has quit
} (e the beat that we're looking for
}
} Allright.  But I liked that one.
} This one will be a winner:
}
} <sung to the rythem of Indiana our Indiana>
} UNIX UNIX, our UNIX UNIX
} UNIX UNIX, we're all for you!
} We will code for the green allmighty,
} and even for pride of it to
} SCREW VMS
} Never flustered, we will not crash it
} In the bitstream, it's tried and true
} UNIX UNIX, our UNIX UNIX
} UNIX UNIX, we're all for you!
} SCREW VMS!
}
} (God to Oracle... God to Oracle... You're a bit sharp on the higher
} (registers, but you'll pass this time.
}
} OK...  But I've got another one...
} Just think ZZ Top
}
} (No Oracle, I don't think so
}
} She's got piping, and she
}
} (NO.
}
} know's how to use them.
} She's got scripts, and
}
} %IUVAX shutting down in 5 seconds.  please log out.
}
} she knows...
}
} #

--- 145-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O great and wise oracle,
>     can you please explain the workings of the female mind in two short
> sentances?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Don't touch me there.
} Why don't you touch me anymore?
}
}
} Always reminded me of Calvinism:
}   necessarily contradictory.
}
} You owe the Oracle a new paradox.

--- 145-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle, who's spittle I am hardly qualified to lick up, who's
> stench is like the smell of a rose, who's bad shoulder makes another
> man look away in envy, who, despite occasional breaks with reason, is
> fully qualified to run large corporations!  How can I write perfect
> prose the first time?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son,
}
} Perfect prose is not achieved the first time, nor the
} second, nor the third you try it. Indeed, perfection
} will never be reached, but will serve as the distant
} goal towards which your entire striving is directed.
}
} However, if you want to improve the quality of your
} prose quickly, you might consider taking some kind of
} course. Actually, I saw something in the paper this
} morning... Wait a moment... OK, here it is:
}
}
} =================== Advertisement =======================
}
}      BE A NEW SHAKESPEAR IN TWELVE EASY LESSON'S!
}
} Have you ever, had trouble because your writing style, was
} less then prefect? Do your freind's, laugh at you as you
} ,split your infenitive's, and, missplace your cumma's?
} Did'nt you, get no summer job because your aplication
} letter's, were 2 badly written?
}
} DO'NT DESPAIR!
}
} The ACME Letter School For Aspirign Author's, will help
} you to not only improve your stilystic ableity's but to
} actually, reach such a level that you'll, amaize your old
} english teacher's!
}
} All you, have to do is to, fill in the form, and together
} with a check, below, for $456.88, sned it in to us at the
} below addres. Their's no choise if you, want to improve
} your writing - answer today!
}
} ACME Letter School
} P.O. Box 1234
} Notsville, Main.
}
} =========================================================
}
} You owe the Oracle a short essay about your experiences
} with the ACME Letter School (once you've finished the course).

--- 145-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Say Oracle baby, I've got this friend and she's got this problem.  See,
> she has this fixation with looking at guy's bums!  For some reason she
> just can't help checking them out, whats more, she's had this problem
> for *years*, since puberty I think, and it's really starting to stress
> her out and she gets these nervous kinda twitches and stuff you could
> call her a bum junkie I guess 'cos she gets all sorta melty like jello
> when she see's a good one (you know...small, tight, rounded, not too
> fat, not too skinny, basically a good handful..).  Anyway, I thought
> that you being all knowing an' all, you might be able to help her.  What
> can she do to stop melting on the sidewalk every time she sees one?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Your friend is a real sicko!  Homelessness is a serious problem.  If
} it's really true that your friend "melts all over the sidewalk every
} time she sees" a "small, rounded, not too fat, not too skinny" street
} person, she needs serious psychological counseling.  Hopefully, though,
} you're just joking.
}
} However, if you are joking, I must complain that this is far too
} grevious a problem to make fun of.  Homelessness is America's #1
} domestic problem, and treating it lightly doesn't help any.
}
} Also, the Oracle is slightly confused.  All people have the right to
} self- determination; slavery was abolished ages ago.  As such, the
} Oracle does not understand what you mean by "guy's bums"; perhaps you
} think Donald Trump owns a few, but even so, the Oracle does not know why
} you wouldn't say "Trump's bums".
}
} >Message from kinzler@iuvax on ttyp0 at 16:03...
} >You're not fooling anyone.  The Oracle feigning ignorance is about as
} >believable as Donald Trump feigning poverty.
}
} Huh? But I
}
} >Now look.  Answer the question as it was meant, or else!
}
} I thought we agreed that I could legitimately misinterpret questions.
}
} >Only when it's not so obvious.  What was the very first use of the word
} >bum in this person's question?  In "guy's bums".  You can't rely on an
} >ambiguity in the word "bum" when the very first use of it is
} >unambiguous!
}
} But look, how am I supposed to answer this question?  It's pretty st
}
} >Stop! Don't say that on the air!  Now look, you're the one who has to
} >answer questions, not me.  Why don't you ask a sub-process?  Or ring up
} >Satan. Hey, here's a cute idea.  How about you try to talk satan@hell,
} >but you mistype accidentally, and you call stan@hell?
}
} Ahem.  Excuse me.  Who just got through telling me it was my job?
}
} >Well, umm, it was just a thought.
}
} Yeah, and a pretty lame one at that.  Why don't you just run along now.
} Ok, where was I?  Oh yeah.
}
} Your friend is a real sicko!  People's behinds are not a primary,
} secondary, or even tertiary sexual characteristic.  Besides, the Oracle
} prefers really large ones, and cannot sympathize (the Oracle's favorites
} are "mud flaps").  Although I knows some analysts, I can't think of any
} good anal-ysts at the moment, so I suggests that your friend merely
} restrain herself from going out so much (getting a case of agoraphobia
} might help here).  On the other hand, does it make your friend unhappy?
} If not, perhaps she should just continue as she is.  I find it amusing
} to watch people melt on the sidewalk.  [With that link, the Oracle takes
} this opportunity to present a PSA:]
}
} Say, summer is coming on quickly.  When it gets hot outside, it's even
} hotter inside a closed car.  It's so hot...
}
} >How hot is it?
}
} Shut up, Stephen.
}
} It's hot enough to fry a dog's brain.  So please, leave Rover at home.
} It's also hot enough to fry a cat's tail.  And hot enough to melt a
} bald guy's toupee.  And hot enough to burn an ant to death through a
} magnifying glass.  And hot enough to make iuvax run slow.  And hot
} enough to fry an egg.  And hot enough to drive an announcer insane.
}
} So, please, don't film any commercials inside a closed car.
}
} [Fade to black.]
}
} Whew.  There goes our PSA for the year.  I hate these FCC rules.
}
} >Uh, Oracle?  I hate to tell you this...
}
} Well?
}
} >We have to do one per Oracularities posting now.
}
} What! [indignant tone]  Not a chance! I'll fix those Commie mutants...
}
} % rlogin [node-censored] -l root
} Password:
} FCC internet monitoring station.
} Running UCSF-YCTAOS, April 11, 16:30 pm.
}
} ***************************************
} [node-censored] will be down sporadically
} for the next five years.  Sorry for the
} incovenience.
} *****************************************
}
} [rest-of-session-deleted-to-prevent-raid-by-secret-service]
} #$$# logout
} "A man, a LAN, unix -- inunalanama!"
}           -- Barren Taste, "An MS-DOS hacker's guide to Unix"
}
} Goodbye, root, and have a hoopy day!
}
}
} Well, that should take care of that problem.  Now, on to other
} questions!
}
} >You forgot th
}
} Oh, yeah, thanks.
}
} You owe the Oracle the script to the Zucker, Zucker, and Abrams
} production "Top Secret".
}
}
} % scenario -pdonald-trump -spoverty-feigning
} Loading: donald-trump...Done
} Loading: poverty-feigning...Done
}
} Donald Trump, wearing a custom-tailored tuxedo, stands before the
} Trump Wall of China.  He is speaking:
}
} "...all my life I've been rich, and now I suddenly find myself
}  destitute!  Can you imagine?  I mean, if you've been poor all your
}  life, it's no big deal, 'cause you're used to it.  But imagine being
}  dumped from the lap of luxury to the state I'm in..."
}
} Hey!  Are you still here?  Get lost!
}
} % talk stan@heel.bitnet
} [Waiting for connection]

--- 145-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> My friend told me that there's a little town in Germany where you pay
> $18,200 for a bratwurst.  Is this true?  Why is it so expensive there?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well, let me try a quick test.
}
} % cat | advmake -o germany.ad
} map_source: /etc/world.data
} rules: /etc/laws_of_universe; exists_town_where_bratwurst_costs_$18_200
} ^D
} % sadint germany.ad
} Sadsys adventure system, (c) Oracle 1987
}
} Welcome to "The little town in Germany", an adventure written in SADL by
} Oracle.
}
} You are a tourist vacationing in the town of Heidelburg in Germany, in
} the year 1987.  You get out of your rental automobile, which is running
} low on gas, and decide to strike out on foot.  You are on a quest for
} bratwurst made in the town of Heidelburg.
}
} Street Corner
} You are standing at the northwest side of an intersection of two roads.
} To the east sits your car, parked on the side of the road.  The sidewalk
} stretches before you to the north and west.  There are a number of shops
} along the road to the north.
}
} > SOUTH
} It's amazing how much traffic there is in this little town of
} Heidelburg.  So much that you might get run over trying to cross the
} street.
}
} > GET IN CAR
} The car door is closed.
}
} > OPEN DOOR
} The car door is locked.
}
} > UNLOCK DOOR
} You don't have the keys.
}
} > I
} You are carrying a road map of germany and a flashlight (off).  Your
} pocket contains a wallet, which is closed.
}
} > LOOK IN CAR
} Do you want to look in the front or the back?
}
} > FRONT
} You see the keys dangling from the ignition.
}
} > LOOK IN BACK
} What do you want to look in back of?
}
} > CAR
} In the back of the car is a coat hanger.
}
} An imperious looking German matron brushes past you, and disappears
} again.
}
} > WEST
} Sieg Street
} You are standing north of an east-west street.  To the east is an
} intersection.  To the west lie some houses, but in front of you is a dog
} tied to a fence.
}
} > WEST
} The dog growls at you menacingly, and you think better of it.
}
} > PET DOG
} The dog growls at you menacingly, and you think better of it.
}
} > UNTIE DOG
} The dog snaps at your hand as you reach for the rope tied to the fence.
} You snatch your hand back.
}
} > EAST
} Street Corner
}
} > NORTH
} Butcher Shop
} You are standing west of a street which extends north-south.  To the
} north there are more shops.  To your west is the door to a butcher's
} shop.
}
} > WEST
} Butcher's Shop
} You are inside the butcher's shop.  There is a wooden counter in front
} of you.  On a shelf on the wall are many kinds of meat; haning on the
} wall are some sausages.
}
} There is an ugly man behind the counter.
}
} > UGLY MAN, GIVE ME SOME BRATWURST
} "Who ist you callink ugly?"
}
} > BUTCHER, GIVE ME SOME BRATWURST
} The ugly man says, "I am not ein butcher.  I am der apprentice."
}
} > APPRENTICE, GIVE ME SOME BRATWURST
} "Sure think.  That vill be 18.200 Amerikan dollars."
}
} > GIVE MONEY TO APPRENTICE
} I see no money here.
}
} > OPEN WALLET
} The wallet contains an American Express card, $130, and a picture of
} your wife.
}
} > OFFER 130 TO APPRENTICE
} The apprentice puts the money in his pocket and says "Thank you very
} much."
}
} > APPRENTICE, GIVE ME BRATWURST
} The apprentice says, "18.200 dollars."
}
} > KILL APPRENTICE
} (with hands)
}
} You can't reach him from there.
}
} > GO BEHIND COUNTER
} There's no way to.
}
} > CLIMB OVER COUNTER
} The butcher comes out from a back room, knife in hand.  You change your
} mind and climb back down.  The butcher returns to his work, shaking his
} head sadly.
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE ABOUT BRATWURST
} The ugly apprentice smiles.  "Heidelburg bratwurst is the best bratwurst
} in the world.  Ve use the vinest ingredients, and its cost ist second
} to noone."
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE ABOUT COST
} The apprentice says, "Heidelburg bratwurst costs 18.200 Amerikan
} dollars and for good reason.  Ve use the vinest ingredients."
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE ABOUT INGREDIENTS
} The apprentice shakes his head.  "Ist town secret.  Outsiders may not
} learn the scret of Heidelburg bratwurst."
}
} > BRIBE APPRENTICE
} You have no money left.
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE FOR MONEY
} "Money? Vhat money?"
}
} > HIT APPRENTICE WITH FLASHLIGHT
} Fat chance.
}
} > TURN ON FLASHLIGHT
} A beam of light appears, reasonably visible in this dimly lit room.
}
} > AIM IT AT APPRENTICE
} You shine the light at the apprentice.  Happy to be in the spotlight,
} he performs a traditional German dance.
}
} > AIM IT AT APRENTICE'S EYES
} I don't know the word "aprentices".
}
} > OOPS APPRENTICE'S
} I don't know the word "oops".
}
} > SHIT
} Such language from a supposedly winning adventurer.
}
} > AIM IT AT APPRENTICE'S EYES
} (random object)
} You point the photo at the apprentice's eyes.  His jaw drops open.
}
} > PUT PHOTO IN WALLET
} Done.
}
} > AIM FLASHLIGHT AT APPRENTICE'S EYES
} The apprentice stares into the light.  He is obviously dazed.
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE ABOUT INGREDIENTS
} "No, no, I mustn't. Please."
}
} > ASK APPRENTICE ABOUT INGREDIENTS
} The apprentice breaks down.  "Ve use only the finest...  Amerikan
} tourists for our br..." Suddenly the butcher walks up behind the
} apprentice.  He quickly sizes up the situation, and turns towards you
} cleaver in hand.
}
} > EAST
} Butcher Shop
}
} The butcher emerges from the shop, carrying a bloody cleaver.
}
} > SOUTH
} Street Corner
}
} The butcher enters this area.
}
} > WEST
} Sieg Street
}
} There is a dog tied to a fence here.
}
} The butcher enters behind you.  He seems to be gaining on you.
}
} > JUMP FENCE
} It's too high.
}
} The butcher is about to take a swing at you, when the dog jumps at him
} and begins biting at the meat hanging from his pocket.  The cleaver goes
} flying in the air, and lands, cutting the dogs rope.  The butcher runs
} east with the dog chasing after him.  "Schweinhund!" cries the butcher.
}
} > ^C
} %
}
} Well, there you go, I hope that answers your question.
}
} You owe the Oracle the "Suburban Terrorists Guide".