From kinzler Tue Mar 6 23:05:26 1990 Received: by iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:02:59 -0500 From: Stephen Kinzler To: oracle-list Subject: Usenet Oracularities #133 Reply-To: oracle-vote Keywords: offensive === 133 === offensive ==================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #133 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: Tue, 6 Mar 90 23:02:59 -0500 To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 133-01 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty Oracle, whose personal financial history the toadies of the > IRS dare never audit... > > What are the socio-religious implications of my mating with my own sofa > and loveseat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, I myself experienced this rather unusual situation only a few } years ago, involving the (at the time) rather attractive setee in my } livingroom. I was quite depressed when the warm and giving act of love } did not sprout a child within the expected time (alas, it never came an } offspring of that tender relationship). } However, when I was on the verge of breaking down mentally, I } found comfort in a few books which I will list below: } - "The Rise and Fall in Love of Furniture", by an unknown author } This is a three volume set of Q&A, answering every aspect of man-sofa } and man-soft chair relationships. } - "Singular Bedf**kers", by J. Umpjump Jr. THE reference on } the more kinkier parts of furniture's sex life. A must! I got several } good ideas from it myself which I proceeded to apply to different forms } of stools and bed tables. } } You owe the oracle a virgin french sofa. --- 133-02 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > OhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhH! > > The PAINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! > > I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE IT! > > Where can I get some more? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Come over here. Bend over this desk. Pants off. } Now then, see this? This is a senior boys' school cane. } WHAPPP! } WHAPPP! } WHAPPP! } Hmm. I think we could do with a little more, don't you? } WHAPP! } WHAAPP! } WHAAAPP! } Now. hold out your hand. Left one first. Palm up: } I think we'll use the rigid bamboo cane for this one. } WHIPP! WHIPP! } Palm down: } WHIPP! WHIPP! } And the right hand. Palm up, please. Stop that snivelling. } WHIPP! WHIPP! } And on the back. } WHIPP! WHIPP! } Now we'll attend to your thighs, I think. Trousers right off, } please. } The long cane again, I think } WHACK! } WHACK! } You've wet yourself, you naughty child. } Put your left leg on the stool, and I'll attend to the thigh } harder. } WHACK! } WHACK! } And the right thigh... } WHACK! } WHACK! } Now the bottom again. } WHAPP! } WHAPP! } WHAPP! --- 133-03 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I die, will I be reborn as something else? If so, what? If not, > what will happen to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That, my son, is up to you. You must make your own decisions in } this life, and your station beyond this life will depend on them. No } Oracle, no matter how great, can tell you what lies ahead for your } immortal soul, for the future is mutable, and the Oracle is but a bishop } on the chessboard of the cosmos. } } I can give you some guidelines, though, to help you make an } informed decision. These are what _most_ people of various lifestyles } become after their deaths.... } } lawyer -> bacterium } philanthropist -> housecat } physicist (bombs) -> dove } physicist (no bombs) -> cockroach } politician (democrat) -> worm } politician (republican) -> ugly worm } gas station attendant -> anteater } mass murderer -> frog } 7-11 clerk -> tropical fish } computer geek -> computer geek } } I hope this is of some help to you. May you choose wisely, my } son. --- 133-04 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Mighty Oracle: > > As is well known, you impose the rule on us mortals that we never ask > you more than one question at a time. Some people break this rule and > send several, totally unrelated questions (like the following, which > appeared in rec.humor some time ago: "Why is orange juice yellow? And > what's so great about sliced bread, anyway?"). In those cases you, > quite justly, refuse to answer more than one of the questions. These > people, after all, have tried to abuse the rules and therefore deserve > nothing but abuse. > > Recently, however, I've noticed that people who really ask just *one* > question, but for stylistic reasons divide it up into subquestions, or > people who add a quite rhetorical follow-up question (which really > shouldn't be counted) to their question, are *very* rudely told that > they have broken the rules and that hence you refuse to answer their > questions. Sometimes, you even tell them, quite explicitly, what they > can do with their questions. > > Now, I don't think this is fair. After all, some of these people are > really worried about something, and do a lot of work to formulate as > good a question as possible, and are then just told to "piss off, you > mustn't formulate yourself like that". > > To make things worse, on other occasions you gladly answer two or even > three questions at a time. > > I think that you, divine Oracle as you may be, are simply lazy, and that > you use this "one question only rule" as an excuse to avoid answering > certain questions. Maybe something like this goes on in the Oracular > brain: "Oh, that's a difficult question. Shit, looks like I'll > actually have to *think*. No, wait a minute, there's a follow-up > question! Good, then I'll just call up net.hell and ask them to deliver > some amusing insults, and I can go continue trying to get into Lisa's > panties." > > What do you have to say to your defence? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Now, just a minute here, young man! I am far, far more aware of the } true state of mind of my querents than you are. Some of them really } have a single question phrased multiply, which I answer; others really } have several questions, and by the Rules I am required to tell them to } go screw a bicycle in a snowstorm. } } [BEWARE! BEWARE! FOR THE ORACLE IS TRYING TO WEASEL OUT OF } RESPONSIBILTY FOR SCREWING UP!] } } Wha? What's that? God, are you checking up on me again? } } GOD: No, but it looks as if I should be. What on Earth are you doing } wearing that ... that ... is it a tutu? Or a pair of split-crotch } panties? } } No, it's a ... a ... high-intensity rosary... yes ... that's it ... } } GOD: Ahem. I have never heard of a "high-intensity rosary." Can you } explain the function of that vibrating appendage? } } Well ... um ... it's supposed to convey ... convey spiritual energies } ... spiritual vibrations ... you know ... } } GOD: I have not been completely informed about all the innovations in } techoreligion, I see. And that beverage in the beaker at your left } elbow? } } Holy ... holy ... tomato juice! Yes! holy tomato juice! From the } First Church of Christ Vegetarian! } } GOD: They're still coming up with more Christian churches? } } Yes! Yes! Zillions of new churches! There's the Church of Christ } Social-Scientist, the First Baptist Church of Lower 15th Street, } Christian Church Full Of People Who Like To Make Large Sums of Money and } Not Feel Guilty About It, the Church of Christ Orthodontist, and lots } more. } } GOD: That's very interesting, but it doesn't explain those unusual } photographs. } } Well ... well ... photographs ... photographs? ... oh, you mean } *those* photographs. Heh. I can explain those photographs. I used a } special f/2.1 camera and 61.3mm film, ... } } GOD: I don't care how you took the photographs. I want you to explain } the *scenes* on the photographs. } } Well ... scenes? ... oh, you mean the pictures ... the rabbit is } named Flossie ... I think the goat is called Eleanor ... that's a } senior Bush aide wearing the bunny suit ... } } GOD: Well, what's going on? } } Um ... um ... well ... well ... it's a game of bridge. } } GOD: Bridge? } } Yes. Bridge. } } GOD: You were playing bridge with a goat and a rabbit? } } No! No! Not at all! Not at all!!!! } } GOD: Well, just what was going on? } } Um ... er ... I was photographing the bridge game ... I was hiding in } the shrubbery you see... I stumbled on the bridge game ... and ... I } happened to have a camera with me ... so ... so ... I wanted to ... } to ... to ... blackmail the Bush aide. } } GOD: And just what did you hope to accuse him of? } } Cheating! He was playing two hands himself! He was being the partner } of both the other two! } } GOD: Oracle, you are being quite strange today. Now go and answer } multiple quetions. --- 133-05 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was putting some socks away in Timmy's room when I came across a copy > of "Leather n Ludes", a can of 40W motor oil, and Jean Kirkpatrick's 900 > number. > > I blame those horrid heavy metal albums he listens to all the time. Do > you think Tipper Gore would come over for lunch and scold him ? > > Mrs. Irma Housewife > 1 Lillywhite Way > Middle America, USA And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, Irma (you don't mind if I call you Irma, do you?), I think the } only way we could find out is if we called up Tipper and asked... } } rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring... } } >> Hello, this is Hell. What the fuck do you want? } } }} Sorry, wrong number... } } Bloody auto-dialer... let me try again... } } rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring... rrrrring... } } >> Hello, Gore residence. How may I help you? } } }} I'd like to speak to Tipper, thank you. } } >> And who may I say is calling? } } }} The Usenet Oracle. } } >> Thank you, please hold. **CLICK** } } >> "I'm dreaming of a white..." } } >> Hello, Tippy here. How ya doin', Oracle baby? Why don't you drop by } >> more often? It gets SOOO lonely here, and a lady can boink her } >> butler only so many times... } } }} TIPPER! We're on the air! } } >> So wha... WHAT! Wait... Those damn media pimps! And the phone } >> company! Yeah, that's the ticket! The phone company, using funds } >> collected from their sleazy 900 sex numbers, they edited my voice! } >> Yeah! I would never, uh, have carnal knowledge of my butler! } } }} That's all very interesting, Tipper, but we have a problem... It } }} looks like Timmy Housewife is poisoning his brain with some heavy } }} metal albums... } } >> Metallica? Guns & Roses? Guns & Roses, now there's a group that } >> produces some pretty gnarly records. I mean, PORNOGRAPHIC records! } >> They should be burned! } } }} The records should be burned? } } >> No, the group should be burned! } } }} That's fascinating, Tipper. But what are you going to do about } }} Timmy? } } >> What do you want me to do? } } }} Irma wants you to scold him. } } >> Sounds delicious... um, how long is he? I MEAN, how big is... No, } >> I mean, how old is he? } } }} Not sure. Do you know? } } >> How in the hell would I.... } } Message from Chat_Daemon@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu at 18:46 ... } chat: connection requested by satan@pandemonium.Hell.GOV. } chat: respond with: chat satan@pandemonium.Hell.GOV } } Oh damn... } } ]] You rang? } } }} Actually, no, but I... } } >> Satan! How nice to see you, babe! } } ]] Tippy! Looking as fabuloso as ever! } } }} Actually... } } >> Say, big S, why don't you and Oracle here drop by, and I'll get the } >> whipped cream, and we'll make a sundae? } } ]] Sounds tasty to me... } } }} NOW HOLD ON ONE GOSH DARN MINUTE! Let's put this aside and get back } }} to the point at hand! } } ]] Which is? } } >> Oracle here wants to save the soul of Timmy Housewife. } } ]] Izzat so? } } }} Actually... } } >> Timmy has gotten into sex, drugs, and rock & roll. } } ]] Well, at least he isn't a TV evangelist! What were his crimes, } ]] anyway? } } }} His mother found a copy of "Leather n Ludes", a can of 40W motor oil, } }} and Jean Kirkpatrick's 1-900 number in his bedroom. } } ]] Housewife... Housewife... name sounds familiar. Let me pop up a new } ]] shell... } } ]] Got it! That stuff is Mr. Housewife's. It seems that Jimmy... } } }} Timmy. } } ]] Whatever. Anyway, the kid caught his dad and his dad's secretary } ]] playing "Strip Limbo" one night, and this is his father's revenge. } } >> Nice family. Anyway, if you guys aren't doing anything tonight... } } ]] I'll be there. } } }} Count me in. } } >> Great. See ya later. } } [connection closing. exiting.] } [connection closing. exiting.] } } Well, that's the scoop, Irma. Personally, I think George could use a } little scolding more than Timmy. Poor Timmy, he is just an innocent } victim of all this. } } You owe the Oracle 27 cans of Redi-Whip. } The Oracle has conversed. --- 133-06 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we, in Western society, have such terrible problems with > human relationships? For example, why are we so hung up with sex? It's > just a natural way of expressing love, but our society burdens it with > all sorts of baggage--it's "dirty", it's "shameful", and so on. How can > anyone be happy in a society with such depraved ideas? And how can this > society to rid itself of these problems? > > If you can answer these questions, oh mighty Oracle, I would be > eternally grateful. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to leave; my > Mistress wants to tie me to a doorknob and beat me until I wet my pants. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } There is nothing you can do except shed your own inhibitions. I hope } your mistress uses a long whip, slips your pants down at the back, and } gives you twenty-four firm, hot strokes on the bare bottom. --- 133-07 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What kinds of edible berries are available in South Africa? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The glasnostberry -- which opens your mind but stains your forehead. } } The Quayleberry -- which revokes your mind and makes you smile. } } The googleplexberry -- which is bigger than you can imagine. } } The bundyberry -- which makes you murder and vote Democrat. } } The freddyberry -- which makes you rot, kill teens, and grow your nails. } } The bushberry -- which makes you popular, and look like Mr. Rogers. } } The GQberry -- which makes you pout pensively. } } The spamberry -- which is pink and squishy. } } The godberry -- which is vast, undefineable, and alternately nice and } nasty. } } The DECberry -- which drops slowly to the ground while promising new } fruits. } } The IBMberry -- which just sorta sits there. } } The Oracleberry -- Hands off. --- 133-08 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I asked thee: > > > Who is the best: Lisa or Barbara? > > And thou spakest: > > } Well, after sleeping with both, I would have to say, "Lisa". > } > } Lisa has Larger ba boom's and can last twice as long! > > That's what I thought. All you can think of is sex. I didn't say > anithing about that at all. You fell in my trap. OK, I don't blame > you for that. :-) > > Oh mighty Oracle, I should specify my question better: > > Who is the best strip dancer, Lisa or Barbara? Just to watch, I mean. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle apologies for circumstances beyond it's control. The } reason for the previous reply being sexually transmitted to you, was } that, unbeknown to all of us here at the oracle, Zeus had delegated an } insignificant demigod with mortal propensities of no light character, } whilst he went off to grind out some more gods with Juno; thus it was } this lesser sprat who answered your last query. However, let it be } known that Zeus speaketh to you this time, in all his wisdom, glory, } magnificance, and Oh get on with it! OK. } } Barbara sprinkles that dreamly ambience as becomes a true artist; } colourful, delicate and dependable; whereas Lisa has all the mechanics } of a clumsy typo. She bestrides the platform like an engine, and her } performance is like a sunday flesh-market, closing down for the dogs and } crows to scavenge the scraps of art shed and floundering festering; she } is profane and utterly disreputable, to the very abyss of her melanic } soul. Barbara is a butterfly, dancing in the soft red rays of the } bleeding sun, the angels of light, the ablution of her body. --- 133-09 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > I'm very sorry. My paper isn't on the influence of Spam on Hellenic > architecture, it's on the influence of *Spain* on Hellenic architecture. > Why is my professor's typewriter so blurry? > Your love slave, > Alyssa And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ha ha! How silly! To think that all that work was done on my part just } because of a faulty typewriter! Ha ha! Well, don't worry, I'm not mad } at you! How could anyone be mad at someone as sweet and beautiful as } you? } } You owe the Oracle a picture of your sweet, smiling face. Bye now! } ... } Is she gone? Good! } } > mail lucifer@hothothot.ouch.com } Subject: Something special for you! } You know, Lucifer, I've been feeling real bad recently about the } number of times I keep bugging you for favors, and I'd like to make it } up to you. Just so we can be on good terms again. There's this girl I } know named Alyssa. She's made it known that she loves sex, all kinds } of sex, and that she'd probably be willing to make a nice deal with } you in return for an upgrade on her sex life. Why don't you send up } some representatives to talk to her? Hell, why don't you go yourself? } I'm sure she could think of something really interesting to do with } your horns! Don't say I never did anything for you! } } Your pal, } The Usenet Oracle } EOT } >cd /misc/plagues } >ls } badbreath.plg earwax.plg jehovahswitnesses.plg } boils.plg elevatorpervert.plg locusts.plg } brokenlimbs.plg fartattack.plg lotsofboogers.plg } b_o.plg genitalwarts.plg uncleralph.plg } dustbunnies.plg hornyroommate.plg zitontipofnose.plg } >alyssa < zitontipofnose.plg } >alyssa < fartattack.plg } >alyssa < genitalwarts.plg } Error - illegal to redirect more than two plagues to target } } SHIT! Hmmm... } } >rlogin alyssasbrain.alyssa.com } login: alyssa } Password: } } Of course I know the password! I know everything! } } Welcome to Alyssa's Brain, running HumanUNIX 4.7 } Last login: Sept 7 1986 02:32:51 } } Alyssa's brain will be down March 9-12 for her period. } } >cat .cshrc } set path=(/usr/motorcontrol /usr/drives/appetite /usr/drives/sex } /util/organs .) } alias bellybutton pleasure } setenv IQ 120 } setenv SEX_DRIVE moderately_lustful } seten^C } >vi .cshrc } alias bellybutton nausea } setenv IQ 67 } setenv SEX_DRIVE horny_as_a_rabbit_in_heat } :q } } This is great! Ooh! One more thing! } } >mail kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu } Subject: Look where I am! } Hahaha! Didn't think I could do it, did you?! } EOT } >logoff } Connection closed } } Don't fuck with the Oracle. --- 133-10 --- offensive ------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most men enjoy getting blowjobs tremendously. However, most > women seem to HATE giving them and complain vehemently about the > consistency and taste. Why, then, didn't the almighty give semen the > consistency and taste of something women like...such as chocolate, for > instance, instead of a slimey, sticky, salty goo? Was this a major > blunder, or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } rlogin archives.creatrix.div } Password: } } % cd ~god/earth/creation/design/animals/humans/subsystems/genitals } Unknown user: god } } [oops...wrong religion] } } % cd ~goddess/earth/birth/design/animals/humans/subsystems/genitals } % more male.design } } [several pages of stuff omitted] } } Seminal Fluid, physical characteristics. } } - Must be appealing enough to allow for oral-genital intimacy as an } expression of love, and to allow suitably motivated humans to learn } to enjoy it. } } - Must not be so appealing that oral-genital intimacy completely } dominates intercourse. (We don't want these critters forgetting } to reproduce.)