From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Feb 22 17:33:17 1990
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #128
Message-ID: <36764@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 22 Feb 90 22:33:17 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington

=== 128 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #128
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 22 Feb 90 22:33:17 GMT

@@@ Distribution list subscribers will be relieved to know that it is
@@@ no longer possible for others to mail to the list.

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
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in the directory pub/oracle.  Let us know what you like!  Send your
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"very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg:
    100
    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

--- 128-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>      How many Usenet Oracles does it take to change a lightbulb?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A huge, indefinite number, but they should include:
}
} One to compare the lightbulb socket to Lisa, one to recite doggerel
} verse, one to note similarities between the bulb and Lisa's figure, one
} to repeat a Zen koan, one to threaten to change the old lightbulb into
} something else, one to call God asking Him to resurrect the old bulb,
} another to call Satan to ask for a hellish spark to replace it, another
} to blame the old bulb's demise on Dan Qualye's stupidity or the
} heartless Reagan administration, another to present disgusting sexual
} practices that use lightbulbs, another to claim that Oracle's don't do
} such menial work, another to tell the questioner to do it
} him/her/itself...

--- 128-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> "There she was, just a-walkin' down the street"
>
> So, what was she doing there?  Can we imply that she was a streetwalker?
> If so, exactly WHAT is a "do-wah-ditty," and how much does it cost?  Is
> a "dum-ditty-do" extra?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The lady in question was indeed a `streetwalker'.  In fact, she used to
} walk the streets of Shanghai in the mid nineteenth century ...  her name
} was Lei-Mi.
}
} Many were the young men who would compete for her affections; many were
} the gifts bestowed upon her.  But the gift which gave her the greatest
} pleasure was a simple tune, written especially for her by an admirer, a
} young sailor, who delivered the hand-written manuscript secretly to
} Lei-Mi's house during the night.
}
} On hearing of Lei-Mi's gift, her jealous Aunt Dha-Chi stole the
} manuscript and intended to burn it.  However, upon reading the simple
} tune her cold heart melted and she was filled with joy, so she decided
} to go for a walk in the sunny street and sing this song to herself.
}
} As she walked down the road singing, the song's composer --- who's name
} was Dhu-Wa --- heard the familiar melody which he had created only for
} the ears of Lei-Mi.  When he saw her evil aunt strolling along singing
} his tune he knew something was wrong, and so he ran as fast as his feet
} would take him to the house of Lei-Mi.
}
} As Lei-Mi answered the door, Dhu-Wa puffed and panted to get his
} breath back.  "Who are you?", asked Lei-Mi.
} "I am Dhu-Wa, the composer of the simple melody which was delivered to
} you last night, as a sign of my admiration", replied Dhu-Wa.
} "Well what is it that troubles you?", asked Lei-Mi.
} "Dha-Chi was just walking down the street, singing Dhu-Wa's ditty!"
} "Did She ---"
} "Dumb ditty!"
} "Dhu..."
} "Yes?", replied Dhu.
} "Firstly, I don't think it's a dumb ditty; in fact I'm very moved that
} you should compose this beautiful little tune in my honour.  And
} secondly, did she see you running this way?"
} "No, she was too busy singing to notice anything.", he replied.
} "In that case, come quickly!", said Lei-Mi, and she led him to round
} to the back door where her possessions waited, ready for her to take
} quickly away.
}
} "Let's run away together before my Aunt gets back!", she shouted
} excitedly.  "Huh?  What do you think I am?", answered Dhu-Wa angrily.
} "You think I'm some kind of admiring sailor dreamt-up just for the sake
} of a happy ending in a fairy story?  Well you're wrong!".  And with
} that, Dhu-Wa stormed off back to the boat full of his sailor-friends
} which waited for him in Shanghai's busy harbour.
}
} Lei-Mi died of a broken heart before the moon was again full.
}
} This tale is often heard recounted in a Chinese folk-song based on the
} story of Dhu-Wa's ditty.  Since you asked, you've doubtless heard the
} adaptation of part of this folk-song that was recorded in the 60's by
} Manfred Mann...?
}
}
} [Yes, I know it's corny, but it's REALLY BORING being an Oracle, you
} know!]

--- 128-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey, that was a LOUSY answer.  What's wrong, you having a bad
> day?  I pay for these answers, you know.  I deserve better.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} <dial dial dial>
} <riiiiing>
} Hello, oracle accounting dept, this is Janice.
}
} O> Hi Janice, this is Mr. Big.  Just wanted a credit payment history on
} Mr. Sourpuss Dorkhead.
}
} J> One second, sir, let me punch it up...  S. Dorkhead...  That's Dork
} with an "rk" or "rck"?
}
} O> That's definitely an "rk", Janice.
}
} J> (click click click) Here we are.  Sourpuss J.  Dorkhead III.
} Bringing up his payment history...
}
} O> By the way, Janice, what does "J" stand for?
}
} J> "Jerkoff".
}
} O> Yes, I should have guessed.
}
} J> Here we are.  It seems that Mr. D. has defaulted on his Oracle
} payments for the last 2 years.
}
} O> I see..
}
} J> Wait, there's more.  Tapping into TRW's computer...  It seems that
} your little prince has not paid a single bill for the last five years,
} has lost all his credit cards, has had his electricity and phone shut
} off, and lives in a little shack by a deserted factory.  Looks like
} we've got a doozy here, O.
}
} O>  Hmmmmn..
}
} J> Let's see...  One bright spot...  He paid one bill:  Mischa's Escort
} Outcall Service.
}
} O> Is that all we have on him?
}
} J> That's it..
}
} O>  Thanks Janice.
}
} J> Pleasure to help you.  Thank you for using OT&T.
}                              [Oracle Telephone & Telegraph, of course]
}
} <click>
}
}
} Well, sir, in light of our records of your past credit history, my
} response to you is:
}
}        PISS OFF!!
}
} I have spoken.
}
} You owe the Oracle $3,069,534 in back fees.  And the phone number to
} Mischa's.

--- 128-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What is the purpose of the oracle-dist mailing list?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} To send Usenet Oracularities articles directly to subscribers, saving
} them the bother of reading newsgroups/notesfiles (i.e., rec.humor).
} Also to send subliminal messages to subscribers to make them Oracle
} addicts, potential love-slaves to Lisa, emulators of Marilyn Quayle,
} lickers of cane toads, paranomasiacs, etc.

--- 128-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle,
>
>      I have noticed that in many computer manuals you will see a page
> with absolutely nothing on it except for "This page intentionally left
> blank" in small capital letters, usually well centered.
>      I don't understand this.  First of all, the page is obviously not
> blank.  Shouldn't it say something more along the lines of "This page
> intentionally left blank except for these ten words" or something?
> Aside from that, why is the page intentionally left (mostly) blank.  Is
> that to confuse people?  Wouldn't it make more sense to leave it
> completely blank and not say anything at all, or put a disclaimer at the
> end of the manual saying "some pages left completely blank
> intentionally"?  If it isn't to confuse people, why did they do that?
> Did they have to use a certain number of pages?  Please enlighten me.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Bllllliiip <beepbeepbeeepbeeeeeeep>
} QUESTION OVERLOAD QUESTION OVERLOAD QUESTION OVERLOAD
} <sound of several crates of delicate crystal being smashed>
}
}
}               this space intentionally left blank
}
}
} You owe the Oracle several new circuts for asking more than one
} question.

--- 128-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Could I have a recipy for disaster?
>
> (preferable one with-out bananas in it as they don't keep so well in the
> fridge).

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} One of many recipes for disaster is as follows:
}
}    1 part Donald
}    1 part Ivana
}    1 part Maria
}
} Combine all ingrediants on a ski slope and mix well.  By the way, you
} are correct about banannas; if Donald hadn't used his bananna, all would
} be OK!

--- 128-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Mighty Oracle, here is a question for you:
>
> When girls sit on a chair, they often cross one leg over the other.
> Some girls can, with some effort, do better by putting the "free" foot
> behind the other leg, so the legs curl around each other.  But
> usually not for long.
>
> I have noticed a girl here who, seemingly without the least effort,
> curls her supple legs so that one foot rests lightly against the inner
> side of the other calf.  I don't know anyone else who can do it the
> way she does.  And she always sits relaxed like that.
>
> I have only seen this girl sitting on a chair or something similiar.
> But how does she make herself comfortable on a large sofa, where this
> is not practical?  Can she relax on the sofa in a position others
> would find quite impossible, just as she does on a chair?
>
> I'm just curious, you know.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle thinks that if you keep dwelling on this, hair is going to
} grow on your palms. But if you're dead set on self-abuse, well then,
} the answer is yes. This girl you speak of could be comfortable in a
} twisted position on a sofa.
}
} Is this because her mind is so at peace with the universe that she
} could be comfortable lying spreadeagled in a stew of vinegar, Tabasco
} sauce and razor blades? Perhaps. But it is much more likely that she
} has 7-dimensional hip joints.
}
} To test this theory out, give the chair a good kick approximately 45
} minutes before she sits in it. If 13 minutes after sitting down she
} suffers a debilitating hip injury, then you will have proof of her
} condition. Just try to keep yourself from laughing.
}
} Being an Oracle, I have knowledge of Barbara (the net.suppleness.
} goddess), and am thus well versed in the ways of female flexibility.
} One of Barbara's favorite positions is lying on her back, tied in a
} square knot, sucking on her own toes while [SMACK!] OW! Er, mustn't
} get too personal. Her boyfriend once tried the postion with the result
} that his testicles were sucked so far into his inner cavities that...
} well, let's just say they're not dating anymore.
}
} The reason you have never seen this girl on a sofa is because she is
} considerate of your sanity. Her legs would most likely form a
} tesseract, and to gaze upon them would instantly destroy any mind not
} familiar with more than three dimensions.
}
} You owe the Oracle a bag of Mr. Salty's Pretzels (the High Blood
} Pressure Treat).

--- 128-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Is marijjuaana ril^H^Healy^Hlyy danngi^H^H^H^H^Hdigne^H^H^H^H^Hbad forr
> yyou?>

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Naw, I hav yoused eet fawr long tim, naw rpobelms
}
} U aw tha Oraul a joint.

--- 128-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who invented the flowchart, where is he now, and what punishment does he
> rate in the afterlife?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} A surfer namd Ted invented the flowchart.  His last name is lost even to
} the Oracle, mostly because even Ted (through too much exposure to the
} sun) forgot it.  The way the flowchart came into being was an huge
} accident; if Ted had not gotten lost on his way to the beach, we might
} not have the flowchart today.  You see, Ted got very very lost, as he
} forgot not only his last name, but his map, and somehow ended up in what
} is now Silicon Valley in California (by the way, it is not entirely
} clear that Ted even started out looking for a beach in California--he
} might have been looking for it in, say, Maine).  At that time, it was
} not Silicon Valley, it was merely a pleasant place to stop walking, and
} so Ted did.  He stopped, and sat down and thought, or at least made a
} good go of it.
}         "Wow," he thought.  "It would have been like really cool if I
} had brought, like, the map." He pondered the iniquities of fate then,
} and cried out in his angst, "Like, major bummer, man!"
}         But Ted was a philosophic soul, and soon consoled himself with
} the knowledge that all in this universe is in harmony, that all things
} are merely parts of the balance of all there is.  "Like, go with the
} flow, Ted man," he advised himself.  "Maybe this is like a allegory of
} life-- sometimes we get lost, sometimes we find the beach, and maybe, if
} we're like real lucky, it's even in the right state.  Wow, that's deep."
} Then the fatal moment came--Ted then thought, "Well, if this trip is
} like an allegory of life, maybe I can draw like a life map--yeah, a map
} of the flow of things--a flow map?  Nah--a flow chart!" And Ted set to
} work.
}         And that is why Silicon Valley is where it is today, for a
} distraught computer geek found Ted sitting there three days later,
} nearly dead from lack of sustenance (for Ted was very excited at his
} discovery, and had for- gotten to eat).  The computer geek needed
} something in his life, something to inspire him, because the only girl
} he had ever loved had left him for a man with a chin.  And so wandering
} about in this daze, he discovered Ted drawing in the sand with a stick,
} and promptly became so excited he forgot about the girl.  Later, when he
} had made a hundred and seventy gazillion dollars from his work (and
} Ted's) he married a sorority girl with the brain of a pigeon and a nose
} for money.  Ted came to an unfortunate end about seven months after the
} unnamed geek took up his work:  he fell in a tidal pool on the beach and
} couldn't find his way out.
}         As for where he is now?  Well, after making several calls to the
} various heavens and hells (everyone denied emphatically having any know-
} ledge of where he was, though strangely enough everyone seemed to
} recognize the name right off), the Oracle found him, found the man
} responsible for the flowchart.  He is working for the Federal Department
} of Roads and Maps for the United States, and he is at this moment
} residing in Califor- nia:  he has found the beach, and the waves are
} good.  Whenever some poor sod approaches him to do his job, he obliges
} him by making the maps that rule all of our lives, although it bums him
} out sometimes to have to do this, as what may be real in your eyes,
} like, may not apply to the lives of others.
}
} You owe the Oracle a good globe (the kind with all the colors) and some
} Dr.  Zog's Sex Wax.

--- 128-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh Oracle in whose breakfast cereal no cat dareth piddle, how is it that
> I can only get dates with married women and single men on Friday nights?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Yes, my prayers have again been answered!  I can once again return to
} the pleasuredome of the great and most experienced Aphrodite, Goddess
} of Love!  (As the saying goes:  "Aphrodite sucks!")
}
} Oracle:     Hey, hot stuff!
}
} Aphrodite:  Good evening, Oracle-babes!  What's cookin'?
}
} Oracle:     I have returned to your house of primal satisfaction to ask
}             of your advice again.  One of my faithful followers wonders
}             day and night why he can only get Friday-night dates with
}             married women and single men.
}
} Aphrodite:  And who might this man be?
}
} Oracle:     [I tell thy name to the temptress.]
}
} Aphrodite:  I see.  I shall look into this matter.
}
} [Several days pass, one of which is Friday.  Aphrodite returns.]
}
} Oracle:     Well?
}
} Aphrodite:  [Panting] I had a date with him while I was in the form of a
}             human woman.  [Tongue moves around excitedly]
}
} Oracle:     And?
}
} Aphrodite:  I can see why married women would wanna ditch their husbands
}             for this guy.
}
} Oracle:     Oh, but what about the single men?
}
} Aphrodite:  I don't think they'd be married if . . . Well, you know.
}
} Oracle:     Hmmm.  Never thought of it that way.
}
} Aphrodite:  [Moves hand up my thigh] By the way, you ready for a second
}             round? . . .
}
}
} You owe the Oracle 100 aphrodesiac pills.