From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Feb 20 21:37:52 1990
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler)
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #127
Message-ID: <36535@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Feb 90 02:37:52 GMT
Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington

=== 127 ==================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #127
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 21 Feb 90 02:37:52 GMT

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    2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1

--- 127-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How can I convince my boss that he should put me on a task where I have
> to use Unix, Informix, and C?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My son....
} I am truly sorry to hear you ask this.  It is obvious from your question
} that you are yet another statistic in one of the great problems of our
} times.  Yes, I'm talking about computer addiction.
}         Do you read news on a regular basis?  Do you spend many hours
} when you should be doing work or sleeping playing games on UNIX?  Does
} you day not feel complete until you've written a new, more destructive
} virus?
}         If the answer to any of these questions is yes- and I'm sure
} some them are- then you need professional help.  Here, in the slow
} serenity of a VAX 100, our trained staff will cure you of all your needs
} to compute.
}         What's more, we'll sign you up with a Computers Anonymous in
} your area.  There, you'll meet people like you, people who have learned
} how to avoid all computer use in a world of temptations
} <cut to darkened room. A group of people sit in a circle. One says:
} "I have trouble with airports.  Every time I try to get a ticket, I have
} this urge to fix all the problems with their reservation's computer...">
}       Please, for your sake, do it now.
} <cut to bedroom. Wife bends over husband's prostrate form
} "Honey, you have to get up for work."
} "Tell I'm sick. I feel awful."
} "Were you up to 3 in the morning on that computer again? ...>
}       Remember: It's not just an addiction, its a virus!
} <cut to old hag: "Remember to just say no!">
}
} You owe the oracle 15 new computer accounts.

--- 127-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> There are two shells, marked A and B.  Underneath A is $10,000.
> Underneath B is either nothing, or $1,000,000.  I can only choose one.
> If I attempt to break any of the rules, the demon giving the test will
> surely annihilate me.  Which shell should I choose?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Well my friend, I have some bad news and some worse news.  The bad news
} first:  if you lift shell B there will be nothing in it, but if you lift
} shell A and scam the easy $10K, then shell B will have had the $1M to
} begin with.  I know the Shell Game administrator personally; he's a
} malicious SOB who takes pleasure in watching his subjects go crazy
} trying to decide which shell to pick, then reveling in ecstasy as his
} subjects scream in anguish at having chosen the wrong shell.  The way to
} go is to pick shell A, and rest well knowing you would never have had
} the $1 million to begin with.
}
} Now the worse news:  According to Chapter IX, paragraph xvi,
} subparagraph 7 (Rules of the Shell Game), it is written:
}
} "Should the aforementioned Player consult any aforementioned god, deity,
} sage or oracle with regards to the aforementioned contents of
} aforementioned shells, then said Player is in violation of acceptable
} Shell Game play, as defined in Chapter V, paragraph xix, subparagraph 2,
} and is subject to one or more of the punishments at the hands of the
} aforementioned gamesmaster, administrator, demon or director as defined
} in Chapter XI, paragraph ii, subparagraphs 1-12."
}
} Hmm...  guess we should check those sections.
}
} V, xix, 2:  No cheating allowed.
}
} XI, ii:  Acceptable punishments for violators of Shell Game Play as
} defined in Chapter V, paragraph xix, subparagraph 2:
}
} 1.  Slap the Player around a bit.
} 2.  Subject Player to several yoga lessons with Barbara, the
}     net.suppleness.goddess.
} 3.  Subject Player to several sexual insults from Lisa, the
}     net.sex.goddess.
} 4.  Subject Player to several quantum physics lessons with Janice, the
}     net.physics.goddess.
} 5.  Force Player to eat one hundred heads of broccoli topped with
}     Cheez Whiz.
} 6.  Force Player to eat one hundred jars of Cheez Whiz topped with
}     broccoli.
} 7.  Instruct Player to come up with one thousand original responses to
}     the question "How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood
}     chuck could chuck wood?"
} 8.  Instruct Player to round Pi to one million places.  By hand.  His
}     choice of Taylor expansion.
} 9.  Force Player to have sex with a bergulb.  One with bad breath.
} 10. Force Player to sit through a nine hour poetry reading.  All
}     readers of poetry must have bad breath.
} 11. Torch Player; have his ashes scattered over Las Vegas.
} 12. Annihilate Player; have no ashes left to scatter.
}
} If your game administrator is kind enough to give you the choice of
} punishment, I'd suggest the torching.  You're more likely to survive
} that than you are even one bottle of Cheez Whiz or a half hour poetry
} reading.
}
} You owe the Oracle your $10K and two round trip tickets to Las Vegas.
} If you ask me real nice, I'll scatter your ashes myself.

--- 127-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why did my neighbor's cat puke on my couch?  And can you write me a poem
> about cat puke and couches?  And since I know you can, will you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is a rare occasion when the Oracle answers three questions in one
} letter, so be awed:
}
} 1) Because it is an important part of the natural order of things which
}    mortal such as yourself were not meant to comprehend.
} 2) Yes, but you already knew that.
} 3) No.
}
} Message from kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu on tty02 at 0:12
} I'm sorry, but if you do not comply with all requests, you will have to
} be kill -9'ed.
} EOF
}
} oh, heh, silly me..  did I say no?  What I meant to say was..  eh..
} well, yes.  I suppose you're wondering how it came out as 'no', but that
} involves..  umm..  deep studies into the field of computer logic that
} would only bore you, I'm sure.
}
} So here we go:
}
} Cat puke is a wonderous thing
} Of which Mr. Rogers dares not to sing.
} He's afraid that all the many kiddie
} Will not appreciate the lesson in anatomy.
}
} He'd much rather have you believe
} that a couch should never be a place to grieve.
} It should be a calm place at all times,
} (This line was merely inserted because it rhymes.)
}
} Nothing should ever happen there
} That PBS would be afraid to air
} like hot sweaty sex among lusty teenagers after a date
} Or the lovely remains of what the cat regrets he ate.

--- 127-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why when the butcher gives his knife to the sun
> Does it rain on the unjust, the just, and everyone,
> And how come little daisies never get to play with guns
> And dammit how long must I wait until my nostril runs?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O verse-monger, know that your foolish query
} Gives ennui great to an Oracle weary...
}
} [Anyhow]
}
} The rain comes not from that, you sod,
} But manifests the wrath of God.
} Should daisies play with guns, you see,
} We'd wipe them out with 2,4-D.
} And blow your nose right now -- be sprightly:
} The drip of mucus is most unsightly.
}
} [Go post to talk.bizarre: they're in a bad mood these days.]

--- 127-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is it that we should PS/2 it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} I don't want to present the idea that I don't know, but I thought that
} instead of merely answering your question I would PS/2 it, by way of
} example, see?  All I have to do is flip this big red switch here...
} [ KLACK ] There.
}
} ] IBM Personal Computer DOS 4.01
} ] (c) 1990 International Business Machines
} ]
} ] C:\>dataquer
} ] Bad command or file name
}
} Damn. Now where was that thing...
}
} ] C:\>\prog\database\dataquer
} ]
} ] PC-MAGICK Database module v1.0
} ] * ERROR: cannot find configuration file
}
} Aw, Jesus, I hate these things.
}
} ] C:\>path \prog\database
} ] C:\>dataquer
} ]
} ] PC-MAGICK Database module v1.0
} ] * ERROR: cannot find configuration file
}
} Dammit!
}
} ] C:\>cd \prog\databaae
} ] Path not found
}
} Argh!
}
} ] C:\>cd \prog\database
} ] C:\>dataquer
} ]
} ] PC-MAGICK Database module v1.0
} ] * ERROR: cannot find configuration file
}
} Oh, sweet Jesus, I don't think it's even here.  Lemme check on this
} other, uh...  hyper-advanced-pre-release-compact-PS/2, yeah, THAT's it,
} that I have over here.  [ PLUNK ] [ pause ] [ PLOOOONG ]
}
}          +------------------------------------------------------+
}          |                                                      |
}          |   +--+                                               |
}          |   |  |              Welcome to Macintosh...          |
}          |   +--+                                               |
}          |                                                      |
}          +------------------------------------------------------+
}
} Pay no attention to that box on the screen.  That's my custom setup.
} [ clicka-clicka ] [ clicka-clicka ] [ clicka-clicka ] Yeah, this icon, I
} mean picture...  uh, yeah, it says HyperCard for a joke.
} [ clicka-clicka ] Yeah.  And in just a second you'll see what...
} [ clicka clicka ]
}
} Ah, here it is, IBM wants you to "PS/2-it" because their machine no
} longer has any real selling points, so they are trying to ride on the
} coattails of the success of other simple-minded ad campaigns like Nancy
} Reagan's "Just Say No" and Nike's "Just Do It."
}
} You owe the Oracle 1000 real OS/2 applications by the end of 1989 and a
} time machine so Bill Gates can write them.

--- 127-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Dear Oracle
>
>    I want to start a religion after you:  Oraculism.  I have a few
> questions, though.  I wanted to know if there are any rules against
> having a religion where the omnipotent subject of worship is not dead.
> I was planning on making the Holy Scriptures the Oracularities and I
> thought the idea would draw interest because people of most other
> religions can't ask questions of their "master" and expect answers, nor
> can they expect several installments (new ones) of the Scriptures each
> week.  Also, if you are interested, I'll be needing some commandments,
> and I thought just for the sake of originality, you might choose a prime
> number when deciding how many.
>
>                                         - A devout-Oraclist-to-be

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The 3.141592653 commandments according to the UseNET Oracle:
}
} 1. Thou shalt worship the Oracle first before all other beings.
} 2. Treat others as they would have them treat you, especially if you are
} sadomasochistic and obsessed with flower genitalia.
} 3. Pay attention to God occasionally when he starts whining.
} 3.1415<<<INTERRUPT>>> (beep)
} Message From: GOD@HEAVEN.COM
}    I BEG YOUR PARDON???
} Message From: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
}    Ahem:
} 3.141592653. Pi is a prime number. (Well the old Testament says so!)
} <<<SYSTEM MESSAGE:  Continuum Going Down in 2 Minutes.  Please Save your
} Souls and Log Off Promptly.>>>

--- 127-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> WER HAT VON MEINEM TELLERCHEN GEGESSEN ????

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}         Schrie nicht, es ist unhoeflich.
}         Na, endlich merkst du, dass jemand von deinem Teller gegessen.
} Ich wunderte mich, ob du blind warst.  Wenn du nicht soviel Zeit hinten
} einem Terminal passiertes, wuerdest du mehr im Leben geniessen.
}         Aber du wolltest einen Antwort:  es ist Lisa, natuerlich, die
} deinen Schnitzel gegessen hat.  Letzte Woche (ja!  seit einer Woche
} liegt ein leerer Teller auf deinem Tisch, und du hattest es nicht
} bemerkt!) war Lisa am FKK-Strand bei deinem Haus (was?  du wusstest
} nicht, dass du bei einem FKK-Strand wohntest?), und wurde ploetzlich
} hungrig.
}         Sie kam nach deinen Haus, und sah drei Teller.  Sie probierte
} aus den ersten Teller, und sagte, "das ist zu scharf." Der zweite war zu
} heiss.  Der dritte (dein Tellerchen) war ihr zu kotzen, und sie hat es
} ihrem Hund, Thor, gegeben.
}         Dann ist sie fort gegehen, sagend "wenn ich wollte Scheisse
} essen, wuerde ich nach McDonalds gegangen!" Dann ist sie zu mir
} gekommen, und wir haben zusammen das Mittagsessen gekriegt.
}
}         Du bist dem Orakel einen Deutsh-Swahili Woerterbuch verplichtet.
}         You owe the Oracle an English-Urdu dictionary.
}         Tu dois a l'Oracle un dictionnaire Francais-Verlan.
}         Ty dolzhen Orakulu Russko-Finskiy slovar'.
}         Tu debes al Oraculo un diccionario Espan~ol-Chino.

--- 127-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh, Oracle, you whose knowledge is so vast that you know the exact
> length and thickness of each of Donald Trump's nose hairs,
>
> You, whose foresight is so keen that you understand the mysterious
> relationship between the stock market and Oprah Winfrey's weight,
>
> Oh, Oracle,
>
> YOU'RE SCREWED!!  Yes, Oracular sucker, from time immemorial it has been
> known that anyone who knows the exact name of an Oracle controls him
> utterly!  From now on you work for me!  I'll win every lottery, I'll own
> the stock market!
>
> I'LL BE RICH!!!  FILTHY STINKING RICH!!!
>
> And all because I know that your name is--HAAUUUURRRGHK!
> yi.bhgvuj;;;;;;
>
>
> umm excuse me the person who was writing this letter was found dead at
> his terminal i offer my sincere condolances if you were his friend im
> getting eddie to show me how to turn this off cuz i dont like computers

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Poor silly twisted boy.  As if the Oracle were Rumple-fucking-stiltskin.
} Been reading too many fairy tales.  It's widely known that my real name
} is Fred, or Lisa when I'm incarnate as a woman (no, not _that_ Lisa,
} though we two Lisas have had some wonderful girl-talk and...never mind).
}
} Surely his untimely death was but a coincidence.  Peoples' brains
} liquefy spontaneously every day, the same way that famous people
} recently dead are reincarnated as talking babies, transsexuals win
} beauty contests, and all manner of wonderful things happen as reported
} in such organs of truth as the _National Enquirer_.
}
} My, that was a close^H^H^H^H^Hsilly question to ask...

--- 127-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> How do you feel about meta-questions, like "Where do you get your
> authority?" and "Can I have a date with Lisa?" and "Why won't you answer
> two questions in one piece of mail" and "What's your favorite flavor of
> ice cream?" and "How do you feel about meta-questions, like "Where do
> you get your authority?" and "Can I have a date with Lisa?" and "Why
> won't you answer two questions in one piece of mail" and "What's your
> favorite flavor of ice cream?" and ""How do you feel about
> meta-questions, like "Where do you get your authority?" and "Can I have
> a date with Lisa?" and "Why won't you answer two questions in one piece
> of mail" and "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" and
>
> stack overflow -- core dumped
> %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle gets bored with meta-questions.  So many people send them.
} Nobody seems to have a big stack, which is just as well or else the
} networks would be flooded.  The Oracle has an infinite stack, but It
} won't use it (for the same reason) in replying to such meta-questions.
}
} There is a meta-Oracle and a meta-network for such things, but you can't
} use them unless you have a DARPA contract.  DARPA has also developed a
} blood-borne virus that turns ordinary women into close copies of Lisa,
} but you don't get a sample to infect your girlfriend with unless you
} have a DARPA contract.  Why do so few people have DARPA contracts?
} Because DARPA expects you to deliver the goods.  Jimmy Hoffa had a DARPA
} contract and couldn't deliver -- you don't do your part, you die.  Of
} course, now that they offer the virus, a lot more researchers will risk
} death in order to sample the delights of even a pseudo-Lisa...

--- 127-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why does the bed sales man down at Sears put a bucket over his head
> whenever anyone says "Matress" to him?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Thank you for reporting this.  I am pleased that the code that I
} transmitted via Prodigy(TM) has made its was through Sears, Roebuck &
} Co.'s network, and produced the desired result.  If the truth be known,
} I was able to take advantage of a small bug in their famous employee
} brainwashing program.  I might add that this is a statement of my
} thorough disgust at
}
} ****Interrupt
}
} From the_almighty@heaven.celestia:
} #Oracle!!!!  Am I to understand that you have written a VIRUS!!??!!  How
} #could you do this?!?
}
} Uh...well...uh....I suppose if you want to put it THAT way...  But I was
} REALLY careful that it would produce only the desired result.  I made
} sure that its only func
}
} ****Interrupt
}
} From the_almighty@heaven.celestia:
} #And suppose you've goofed?  Suppose it somehow leaks out into the
} #outside world?  Are you willing to take responsibility if this happens,
} #ORACLE!??!?
}
} But...there's no way...
}
} ****Interrupt
}
} From lucifer@hell.subterra:
} @All right @%#&%?  Oracle!  I've got a little piece of code down here
} @with your name on it, and right now every one of my assistants is
} @walking around with buckets on their feet!  I pull one off, they make a
} @new one and step in it!  And all this traces back to you, you @$#%&@!
} @Oracle!  Why just for this, I'l
}
} [long pause]
}
} What happened?
}
} From the_almighty@heaven.celestia:
} #It appears hell.subterra has gone down.  Or as they say there, gone up.
} #Looks like your little virus did have a small side effect to it.
}
} Oops.  Sorry about that.
}
} From the_almighty@heaven.celestia:
} #Don't give a second thought.  Just get back to that guy you were
} #talking to just now.
}
} Who?  Oh...oh yes.  (ahem)  Again, thanks for the report.  No charge.
}
} Prodigy(TM) is a trademark of Sears, Roebuck and Co.  The Oracle takes
} no chances with these copyright laws.