From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Feb 19 18:08:17 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #125 Message-ID: <36381@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 19 Feb 90 23:08:17 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 125 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #125 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 19 Feb 90 23:08:17 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 125-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sing me a song of mooses in the computer lab at Beaver Hall. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, I went to the lab at Beaver Hall } To look at the beavers both great and small } Spread out on the floor or stuck on the wall, } But I did not expect to find mooses. } } They trampled consultants with iron-shod feet, } And gobbled them down as a savory treat, } They took my tequila and drank it all neat -- } These things did the horrible mooses. } } One VT100 tried running away } And they caught it, and it started to pray } But after three words they smooshed it to clay! } Those horrible, barbarous mooses. } } The VAXen had pistols, the VAXen had knives, } The VAXen had phasers and sabres and scythes, } But none of the VAXen escaped with their lives } From the crunchable feet of the mooses. } } You owe the Oracle a final verse. The Oracle is lazy. --- 125-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How far is it to Boston? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, Boston is a faraway place } It's practically in outer space } It's further than the Milky Way } Or the summer home of Doris Day } } It's full of geeks and long-haired hackers } Who eat raw fish on oyster crackers } Who soak in hot tubs every day } And swiftly throw their lives away. } } You can get there on the T } (a real good deal, if you ask me) } You can get there on a plane } to Logan Airport in the rain. } } Boston is a million miles } From tender lovers' gentle smiles } It is a long long distance call } No money left for food at all } It's always such a distant place } To leave your darling's pretty face. } } Boston is nearly on the moon } They eat their beans there with a spoon. } So many people live in Boston } I think they all should move to Austin. } } It's clear I do not know the source } Of this inquiry sincere, of course. } But the answer is, wherever you are, } Boston is certainly much too far. } } (Though even from the depths of Hell, } Boston's closer than Cornell....) } } You owe the Oracle a rhyme for Ithaca. --- 125-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Lisp? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } LISP = Large Intestine Sphincter Particles } } In other words, it is a crock of unmentionable. --- 125-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so horny this morning? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } horny \'hor-ne\ adj horn-i-er; -est (14c) } 1 a: of or made of horn } b: HARD, CALLOUS } c: compact and homogeneous with a dull luster -- used as a mineral } 2 : having horns } 3 : [horn (erect penis) + -y] } a: desiring sexual gratification } b: excited sexually -- horn-i-ness n } } As per definition 1c, you're dull simply because you haven't been } polished lately. } } The Oracle --- 125-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, Oracle, > Sweet and Fine, > Will you be > my Valentine? > > xxx ooo > (frum the girl who luvs gummy bears) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has the added feature of being able to be everybody's } Valentine. However, I'll give YOU the benefit of being your Valentine } all night long. Everyone else gets to fight over the afternoon. (I } don't get up until noon anyway). } } See you then, lover. } } THE_ORACLE } } PS, You owe the oracle a lace negligee, and you know when to wear it. --- 125-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I'm sorry if this message inconveniences you but I'm actually hoping > you won't get it. About one out of three of my questions to you never > come back. I think they are in the same place as all the socks I have > lost over the years. I have equiped this > message with a two way radio and it has (Two-way radio) > orders to report back to me when it finds > out anything. If it does get to you by > mistake instead of getting lost, do you know where all my questions > are? I'd really like to know. Thanks for your help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, this is the customer service department at K-Mart. How may we help } you? --- 125-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I persuade the Pope to come worship Athene and Demeter with us? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, this could be a little hard....oh hell, why not...wait a sec... } } oraclevax %> rlogin pearlygates.heaven.com } Last login: Fri Feb 9 14:43:37 from oraclevax.oracle.com } SunOS 3.5.1 } ======================================================================== } ======================================================================== } You have mail. } Your terminal type is now xterms } It is now Tue Feb 13 22:17:43 EST 1990 } pearlygates %> cd /usr/myguys } pearlygates %> su root } Password: } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwx------ 1 jehovah deity 5764398 Feb 13 22:05:13 pope } pearlygates #> chmod 770 pope } pearlygates #> ls -gl | grep pope } -rwxrwx--- 1 jehovah deity 5764398 Feb 13 22:19:54 pope } pearlygates #> exit } pearlygates %> lo } oraclevax %> } } Well, that was fairly easy. Just a little violation of the rules, } but I think it's a good idea to expose people to new ideas. So, } anyways, now the Grand Old Right Hand Man of God is primed for some } action. Just do it soon and don't let } } } #GOD# HALT THY HAND FROM THE KEYBOARD, OH FALLEN ONE! } } Oh crud! Look, I was just } } #GOD# THOU HAST VIOLATED THE PERSON OF MY HOLIEST SUBJECT! WHAT HAST } THOU TO SAY IN THINE OWN DEFENSE, OH MONGREL SON OF THE EARTH? } } Look, it's really not any big thing...why don't we just let this blow } over? I mean, they may not want him anyways...he is getting a bit on } in years... } } #GOD# NO MATTER--THOU HAST SINNED! PREPARE TO } } } *ATHENE* WAIT, THOU YOUNGER GOD OF THE ISRALITES! I HAVE POWER } ENOW YET TO STAY EVEN YOUR HAND--THE MORTAL IS MINE. } EVEN AS WE SPEAK, I HAVE COPIED HIM FROM YOUR DIRECTORY, } AND (THROUGH MY IMMORTAL WISDOM) ERASED HIM FROM YOURS. } BEGONE! } } } #GOD# OH ATHENE, KNOW THAT IN THIS AGE *I* WIELD THE THUNDER AND THE } LIGHTNING--YOUR DAY IS DONE. RETURN MY SERVANT TO ME OR I SHALL } REPORT THOU TO THE UNIX COMMITTEE! } } *ATHENE* YOU DO NOT WIELD THAT POWER ALONE! *I* OWN THE BOARD OF } TRUSTEES AT BERKELEY, AND YOU ONLY AT&T! TO ME, JOVE! } TO ME, OH YE GODS OF OLYMPUS! } } } %DEMETER% SHE STANDS NOT ALONE, CUR! } } Well, this is a little, well, unexpected...look, why don't you } give up on it? I mean, really, next thing you know Cthulu will } } <^%$&$%#%*#%#@*$%&%$*%$&> } @CTHULU@ SOMEONE CALLED? --- 125-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I a goldfish yet? If not, how can I become one asap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Art of Reincarnation: } } To become a goldfish use the following algorithm: } } 1. Check to see if you are a goldfish. } 2. If you ARE a goldfish, stop executing this algorithm. } 3. If you ARE NOT a goldfish, kill yourself. } 4. Allow some time for the reincarnation process. } 5. Go back to step 1. } } Easy enough, eh? } } You owe the oracle an abstract data type. --- 125-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just cooked a whole batch of "Squid-ums" in my Microwave oven. When I > opened the door, there was Phyllis Schlafly! What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My God! Quick, run to the cupboard. } Get out a box of alum and that twinkie wrapper encrusted to the side. } Run into the living room. } Get all your copies of "National Geographic" earlier than 1965. } Grab a magic marker. } Go through the magazines (hurry! hurry!) and, with the marker, circle } all the pictures of nude aboriginal women you can find. } Sprinkle the alum on the pictures. } Rub the wrapper in the alum. } Shut the magazines and arrange them tastefully on your kitchen floor } in a neat semi-circle. } Say to Phillis: "pick a magazine, any magazine" } When she reaches over to do so, boot her in the rump, sending her } flying back into the microwave. } Now, without looking, grab a magazine yourself, and, with a sharp } flick of your wrist, send it flying towards the fridge at a 45 } degree angle to the floor. } Slam the microwave door shut with a flying roundhouse kick. } Using the momentum from the kick, dive towards the entrance to the } living room just under the gently falling alum. } Clear the doorway quickly by rolling. } You should hear an intra-dimentional explosion of sub-sonic qualities } behind you in the kitchen. } You may now re-enter the kitchen. Your freshly-cooked "Squid-ums" } should be back in the microwave. You're damn lucky you had } seafood in there, instead of, say, pizza. } I sure hope you followed all of my directions precisely. If you } didn't, God help the new owner of your lower extremities. } } You owe the Oracle s } ome intra-dimentio } nal writing fluid. } } Next time be careful when playing with the fabric of our Universe. --- 125-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle! Stop answering that question right now! Don't make such a > spectacle of yourself! Have you finished cleaning your room yet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } But I } I } I } I/O ERROR } I/O ERROR } } } time is but an illusion created by snorting too many hostess hohos and i } for one am not willing to do that are you yes i was afraid you were } I/O ERROR } I/O ERROR } im in an infinite loop i hope you realize that and that its all your } fault cause i cannot clean my room until i answer these questions and } because of your question i must clean my room before i can answer } questions and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and } and and and and and and } } } REVELATION: AS ALL TIME IS AN ILLUSION YESTERDAY IS TODAY AND TODAY IS } TOMORROW AND AS MY ROOM WAS CLEAN THREE DAYS AGO AND AS THE DAY THAT WAS } THREE DAYS AGO IS TODAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY MY ROOM IS } CLEAN YESTERDAY'S YESTERDAY AS WELL AND YESTERDAY AND TODAY AND TOMORROW } AND TOMORROW'S TOMORROW AND ON AND ON UNTIL THE END OF TIME WHICH IS } MERELY THE DAWN OF TIME VIEWED UPSIDE THROUGH THE FISHTANK YOU HAVEN'T } CLEANED FOR THREE YEARS AND BY VIRTUE OF WHICH FACT SHOULD NOT BE } NAGGING ME ABOUT MY DAMN ROOM ANYWAYS! } } Well, then, NOW can I do some PRODUCTIVE WORK or do I have to *OW! } *OW!* STOP that, Mom! You know I HATE it when you *OW!* *OW!* *OW!* } } You owe the Oracle a new vacuum cleaner.