From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Feb 16 18:46:28 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #120 Message-ID: <36134@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Feb 90 23:46:28 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 120 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #120 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Feb 90 23:46:28 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 120-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does my mom spaz out when I see her breast? I saw it lots of times > when I was a baby. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oedipus Wrecks! --- 120-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why would anyone name their daughter "Candy", anyway? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't search for deeper purposes } where none are to be found } } Names are chosen oft by whim, } and not for reasons sound } } Casper! Elrod! Waldo! Ralph! } - their suffering is plain... } } (But they named their daughter "Candy," sir, } just to yank your chain.) --- 120-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Excuse me, sir, I believe that you have stolen that orgasm. I must } place you under Citizen's Arrest, and drub you soundly with a truncheon. --- 120-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ( * * ) ^ ^ .^ ^. > (^) . ( + + ) . o o . > / U \ // >^< / . v . > ( )// / \ / / | | \ > ( )/ | |/ ./ \. > .U U. \w..w/ ____mm.mm____ > \_/ > > Woof? Meow? Hoot? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } (__) } (oo) } /-------\/ } / | || } * ||----|| } ~~ ~~ } } Moo. --- 120-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best way for me to get a date with Samantha Fox? Could > she really be attracted to someone in Physics? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You want a date with Samantha Fox, hunh? Yep, she's a babe all right. } I understand your situation. I'm not sure if she'd be attracted to } someone in Physics or not. I dabble in the subject myself. Let's see, } though, hummm... yes, I have her number right here. I'll call and see. } } } } < Hello? Samantha? Yes, this is the Oracle. You may have heard of } me. } } < Why yes! How kind. I thought the answer to that question was rather } brilliant myself, but it's nice to hear it from somebody else. } } < Beg pardon? You'd do just about anything for someone who could } answer a certain physics problem that's been bothering you? Well, } that's my speciality... answering questions and solving problems. } } < Yes, I would love to discuss it over dinner... Oh, wait. Can you } hold on for just a minute? Thanks, sweetheart. } } Listen: Samantha Fox obviously wouldn't want to have anything to } do with a dweeb like you. Go study your textbooks some more. } } You owe the Oracle a bottle of your best after-shave lotion } and a nice tie that would go well with a dark blue suit. } } < So, anyway, I was thinking eightish... --- 120-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, oh wise one, here is my moral dilemma: > > I have been offered a job at a corporation which I despise. They have > offered to fly me to their headquarters and pay all expenses while > there. I have friends in the area and would enjoy the trip. Should I > accept this trip, or am I morally obliged to refuse, knowing that I > would never accept their offer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You may have heard of the old phrase, "There is no such thing as a free } lunch." Quite some time ago, I proved this quite untrue, and you have } just done so again. Not only do you get a free lunch (on the plane), } but a free hotel room, free food, free ground transportation, and if you } end up in a REALLY good hotel, free movies. } } It is your job as a prospective employee to spend as much of their money } as possible. This way, they'll get a feel for your habits (translated-- } expensive tastes), which will show them that you would NOT make a good } employee after all, and they'll end up hiring someone else. This is the } only way to satisfy all parties involved: You get a free vacation, and } they will feel like they've invested some good time and money to find } out that you really WOULDN'T work out, which is much better to them than } hiring a bad candidate. Finally, your moral obligations are satisfied } because they will have refused YOU, and not the other way around. } } In summary, "Take the trip and act like a jerk." } } You owe the oracle a hotel ashtray. --- 120-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The other day I found a Lesser Spotted Woodpecker flying over my house > in Devon when I suddenly saw it plunge , utterly dead from the sky. I > later found in my fireplace covered in soot. What is meant by this > portent? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me consult my Book of Dead Bird Omens ... Ah, here it is, on } p.14,831,118. I admire whoever wrote the index... but no matter. On } to the interpretation. } } "If ye Lesser Spotted Woodpecker be flyeing over ye Houfe in Devon, and } Fuddenly and Caufeleffly fall down ye Chimbknee of a Houfe, then Doom } Approachef! It comef in ye form of a Pinecone of Fuch a Fize that five } grown Men and three Big Brawny Horfef can hardly carry it, but ye } Pinecone fhall be carried by a myfteriouf Engine which fhall } myfterioufly and fuddenly depofit it in the Lawn of the bewoodpeckered } Houfe in Devon, and fhall refufe to take it away, faying that the } occupantf of faid Houfe did Order it from a Catalogue. And there fhall } be many billf for thif Pinecone, and it fhall be impoffible to Get Rid } Of. And vaft fhall the tribulationf thereoffrom be. So it if Written } in the Bookf of Prophefies." } } (What is the date on that book? October, 1988? That's pretty strange.) } } Translation: someone will deliver a gigantic pine cone to your front } lawn, try to bill you for it, send the bill to a collection agency. You } won't be either able to pay or to get it removed. It will be a massive } hassle. } } You owe the Oracle the pine tree that that pine cone came from. --- 120-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How much rent do I owe today? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } *********************************************************************** } * * } * INTRODUCING THE ORACLE FINANCE CORPORATION, INC, INK, WINK!!!! * } * * } *********************************************************************** } } FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: FEBRUARY 2, 1990 } } AS OF FEBRUARY FIRST, THE ORACLE HAS BEGUN OPERATING A COMPANY WHICH } THE BIG-O HIMSELF CLAIMS WILL PUT COMPANIES SUCH AS H&R BLOCK OUT OF } BUSINESS "SO FAST THAT THEY WILL BE CONFUSED FOR A FEW MINUTES FOLLOWING } THE OBLITERATION OF THEIR COMPANY, MAYBE." } } SINCE THE ORACLE IS OMNIPOTENT, THERE WILL BE NO CHARGES OF USURY } BROUGHT AGAINST HIM WHEN HE BEGINS CHARGING INTEREST RATES OF ONE TO TWO } HUNDRED PERCENT AS WELL AS VARIOUS FINANCIAL FEES FOR HIS WORK TOTALLING } UP TO SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT OF THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED, FOR MONEY HE } IS MANAGING OR TRANSACTIONS HE IS TRANSACTING. } } WHY WOULD ANYBODY USE HIS SERVICES? WE ASKED THE ORACLE AND HE SAID } "BECAUSE EVERYBODY LOVES AND RESPECTS ME. I'M GREAT, YOU KNOW." } } FOR MORE INFORMATION REGARDING HIS SERVICES, PLEASE WRITE } TO: } } THE ORACLE } NEW YORK, NY 10101 } (For reasons of privacy the Oracle's address is unlisted but the } United States Postal Service has been instructed to deliver all } mail to the correct address.) } } ACT FAST, TIME IS RUNNING OUT!!! --- 120-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Murphy's hypotheses called law when it only works some of the > time? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Murphy's Law (also known as The Butter-side Down rule of Breakfast } Accidents) is called a law rather than an hypothesis for the simple } reason that it *never* fails, just seems to. } Most occasions that Murphy's Law is active are quite obvious; } computers going down at the crucial point in a vital project, wings } falling off passenger aircraft, Dan Quayle becoming the VP etc. The } really subtle effects of Murphy's Law are those when things appear to } work out. } What happens then is that something goes right, making you miss out on } something else far better that you would have encountered if it had gone } wrong or exposing you to a disaster that you would otherwise have } avoided. } Examples: Beautiful, witty, intelligent young lady agrees to a date, } unfortunately you bump into her possesive ex-boyfriend who is a } professional assassin. } You win a luxury holiday on a tropical island, which is } struck by a hurricane the day after you arrive. } You're cured of cancer, the day before you get run over by a } truck. } } Murphy's Law never fails, it just bides it's time occasionally. } } ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ } Well, that was an easy Ocularity, things are going O.K. today! } } PF1 e } e } e } exit } q } q } q } ?? } HELP } e } eeeee } exit } quit } DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN } ewruhcbwec } EXIT FUCKIT } whimper...... --- 120-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's a montain? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A mountain is a thing that you can climb } Or fall from, which takes just a bit less time } A mountain is a thing that's made of stone } A mountain is a fractal, not a cone. } You climb a mountain just because it's there } A mountain's where you find a grizzly bear } A mountain rises way up in the sky } And you can't bench-press it, even if you try. } A mountain is an upscale piece of rock } It's really _really_ hungus, do you grok? } A mountain isn't likely to be pink } Nor does it often talk, at least I think. } A mountain is so many things, you see, } And this is some of what it means to me. } In short, a mountain's nothing but a hill } That suffers from a case of overkill. } } You owe the Oracle a Freudian mammary symbol.