From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Jan 28 20:16:25 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #111 Message-ID: <34159@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 29 Jan 90 01:16:25 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 111 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #111 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 29 Jan 90 01:16:25 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 111-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Quick, our computer is crashing. > > What DO i Dooo > abouttttt > ttttt > ttttt > ttttt@#$@$@%@% > My > y > y > y Fi > l s > e > e > e > @#$@#$@#$@# > @#$@@@@@@@@@@4234234 @#$@#$$$$$$@#$@#$ > #$@#$ $@$ 23$@#$ 2#$@#$$$$$$$$@#$@#$@#$@#$ > 23$@$# > @$@##$#@$ > $@$@ > > > HELP!!!!!! > ^#$$^&&@$@ > > > C > R > A > S > H > !!!!!!@$@#$@$@#$@#$2 > 24@$@#$@#$2 > 342#$234 > 24@#$23$23 > 423#$23 > 342$2 > 4@#4 > 234234 > 2342 > 42$23 > 4 > > > > Connection closed. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmmmmmm. It seems to me that your computer is infected with some } sort of virus. I certainly hope you } have } e } n } ' } t } af466!@$% ected my 2534@!$5 terminal! } } Auuuugggghhhh! You have, you @#$^@&*@#& my fil } e } e } e } s! } } 561 2461313 } } } @22@44^%561 } ^$146^111$$4 } } You owe the oracle a new CPU! --- 111-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Subject: Tell Me > > O Great and mighty Oracle, whose presence fills even the Trump tower, > who toejam is worshipped by the lowlyest IRS agent, whose mere presense > is enough to pop corn, who can open up entire files with but a flick of > his nail, who can program an entire system (in ANSII minimal basic) in > the same amount of time that it takes the average man in Grand Central > Station to piss (35 seconds average), who can bring down an entire fly > with but a single blow, who can read all of this without getting bored, > who knows the answer to all questions in the universe, whose spelling is > never wrong, whose mother always bakes cookies, can converse with > himself in three different versions of LISP at the same time, whose > C-programs don't need to be debugged, whose sweat is the deoderant of > kings and who can topple the highest artificial intelligence with but a > single word. And in conclusion, I wish to tell you how great you have > made my life, how your very presence in the universe gives me a spot of > light to guide me, whose witty sayings give me insiration in my sleep, > and whose words are worshipped as the only truth. Oh great oracle, you > have inspired me already! I have invented a new word--'insiration', oh > Oracle, great is the power of your presence to affect me from so far, oh > how the ancient babylonians must have worshipped you, oh how the Reagons > must have adored you. Your power is as great as the sun, nay, as great > as all of the suns, filling the universe, pushing out all ignorance, > killing those who are unworthy to even concieve you!! Yes you are truly > great. > > I have a question oh Great Oracle, but first let me tell you much I > revere the mere mention of your knowledge that you bestow upon the > children you have spawned. You are the light of knowledge against the > darkness of ignorance, you are the road with no speed bumps which leads > to enlightenment, you are the oyster with the perfect pearl, you are the > hat which never flies off, you are the backpack with straps that do not > bite in, you are the pasta that does not stick, you are the shoe that > always fits. > > Oh Great Oracle, please tell me........ > > ...uh.... > > ..now what was I going to ask?..... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I belive you were going to ask: } } "Oh Oracle, Why do I even attempt to put into words how great you are } when I know that is not possible. Oh why do I do this, for I know it } would just lead to a lengthy attempt which would end at my exhaustion. } Oh why........................." } } Well, I believe you get the idea. } } You owe the Oracle more praise. --- 111-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > you who know all and tell nought, why is it, by which I mean that I wish > to knowwhy it is, that you never actually give GOOD advice? You always > give me some DUMB little answer that doesn't mean anything. How come? > Your [mis]friend, > The Hippo > Who is Annoyed right Now. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm sorry, my friend. I tend to get a little bit cynical dealing with } all of these boneheads who tend to ask stupid questions deserving little } more than stupid answers, hardly deserving my time, even. The only } reason I even bother is for the occasional ray of sunshine streaming } through the nets, such as yourself, Hippo. I want to thank you for all } the joy your questions have brought me and I'll try to keep an eye out } for you in the future so I can give your questions the answers they } deserve. *Sniff* I have to go. I need to find a tissue or something. } Bye. *sniff* } your friend, } O --- 111-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the best formula that you know of for the calculation of pi. I > need one that converges on the value at least at the rate of one digit > per repitition. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Use the following program: } } #define DIGITS 10 } } main() } { } char pi[DIGITS]; } } pi[0]='3'; } pi[1]='.'; } pi[2]='1'; } pi[3]='4'; } pi[4]='1'; } pi[5]='5'; } pi[6]='9'; } pi[7]='2'; } pi[8]='6'; } pi[9]='\0'; } } printf("pi = %s.\n",pi); } } } } This is by far the fastest algorithm I know. For more digits, edit the } first line. You may have to change some of the source code as well. --- 111-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, oracler than all old oragami, just who is David Barry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dave Barry is an Oracle want-to-be. As you might have noticed he is } nowhere as intelligent or witty as I am. He makes cheap spin offs of my } ideas, and then publishes them under his name with no credit to me. } } You owe the Oracle a home and a black hole. --- 111-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who put the X in SEX? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A very good question, sir! As you are aware, SEX used to be SE. Now, } it wasn't just SE for no reason at all. It was SE because, in all the } really sexy languages like French and Italian and Latin, SE means "self" } ("Il s'embrasse", he kissed himself). Long, long ago, you see, it was } all a solitary proposition. } } But then the EXternal sex partner showed up! It was a happy and } wonderful surprise! SEEX was much more fun than SE! (It got shortened } to SEX pretty quickly. There wasn't space for both those E's, so they } put one inside the other.) } } Of course, the EXternal partner became the EX-partner pretty quickly, } but it started a trend. } } You owe the oracle another X. --- 111-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Yo he visto que Ud. hable frances. ?Hable Espanol tambien? > > Gracias And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Nicht! Das is nicht gut! Non fabulo Espanolam! Je ne parle pas } d'Espanol! Kodazh v ne Spanilka! Ich bin ein Berliner! } } You owe the Oracle a dictionary. --- 111-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey, Oracle, now that Jim Bakker is in prison, that means Tammy Faye > is back on the market, huh? Can you fix me up with her, please?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle does have much influence in high places, and can do this for } you. However, the Oracle will use its influence much more wisely by } getting you an appointment with a leading psychologist to determine why } you want Tammy and not Jessica! --- 111-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Just WHO is this Lisa, and do we have any other net.xxx.yyy figures? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } My oh my, Lisa is *VERY* popular isn't she.... } } I just answered a question on her, hold on a second.... } } >Lisa, oh Lisa wonderful Lisa.... } > } >Well, lets see. } > } > Name: Lisa } > Age: 1103346844 seconds } > Height: 5.5 cubits } > Weight: .25 elk units } > Eyes: Center of head } > Hair: Brown } > Hobbies: making , eating homemade ice cream and } > eating other girls } > Favorite Things:, white , homemade ice cream } > and you } > Turn ons: Homemade ice cream, whipped cream, hot fudge and } > laytex } > Turn offs: Axes, chainsaws, straight sex and hockey masks } > Feet: Two } > } >Lisa is a young girl who works as a net.sex.goddess. She has } >every day with almost anyone, and likes it best with two 's. } >Her is well made, and has a large in it. } > } > ========== } > | | } > | O | } > | /|\ | } > | / \ | } > | Lisa | } > ========== } > } >You owe the Oracle an ASCII picture of and some clean } >sheets. } > } >p.s. Sorry, but I accidentally did a global replace of 'a polka dot } >flower' with the word ''. Sorry for the inconvinience. } } As far as other net.goddesses go, there is: } } Big.mama.net.hog.goddess } Joan.the.net.vacuum } and Harvey.the.net.cross.dresser } } You owe the Oracle a handkerchief. --- 111-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last week, Mayor Marion Barry of Washington DC was arrested after being > videotaped smoking crack cocaine. Is it possible that this whole > incident was staged as some sort of desperate reelection bid in a town > full of drug addicts? Will all the junkies in the District of Colombia > now vote for a fellow crack head? And by the way, how come it's called > the District of "Colombia"? The capitol of Colombia is not "District of > the United States of America", so why do we have a District of Colombia? > And when will MTV air the Barry video? Inquiring minds want to know. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's the deal. } } Mayor Marion Barry uses drugs. He admits it freely. } } What Mayor Marion Barry has not admitted is that } } 1) The CIA told him to take drugs to lure in the drug lords. } 2) He was framed. } 3) President Bush sold him the drugs. } 4) He's actually Medellin #7. } 5) He doesn't really like cocaine that much anyway. } } All of these things are top secret so he can't reveal them just yet. } I hope I can trust your discretion. } } You owe the oracle an oath of secrecy.