From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Jan 18 15:41:08 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #104 Message-ID: <33363@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 18 Jan 90 20:41:08 GMT Reply-To: oracle-vote@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 104 ================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #104 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 18 Jan 90 20:41:08 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Let us know what you like! Send your ratings of these Oracularities on a scale of 1 = "not funny" to 5 = "very funny" with the volume number to oracle-vote, eg: 100 2 1 3 4 3 5 3 3 4 1 --- 104-01 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > H O l c y d h ' o o u > e r c e a o o t i ? t s l t f f n > y a , n u s I s ! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } F a y m e s m p h c l a } i l ! o e n a o e u w t u e f r d s e i ! } n l S o h c i a r o y x --- 104-02 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you think my rap song is hit material? > > THE BRAIN-LOOSE RAP by Kid B.Z. > > Now listen everybody, I'll tell you the tale, > About a funky girl name of Abigail. > I felt kinda blue about the ladies, you see, > I couldn't find a girl quite as bizarre as me. > > uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > > Loosen your brain > It ain't a strain > It's lotsa fun > Once it is done > Your thoughts held tight > Well, just ain't right > You drop control > And let 'em roll > 'Round 'n 'round > Up 'n down > Shark cheese > > uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > > She looked real fine, on that ain't no doubt, > But still one thing I wondered about. > I had to know, can she supply my need, > To twist my sense of reality? > > uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > > Loosen your brain > It ain't a strain > It's lotsa fun > Once it is done > Your thoughts held tight > Well, just ain't right > You drop control > And let 'em roll > 'Round 'n 'round > Up 'n down > Striptease > > uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > > She gave me a wink, whispered, "Come over here, > I have a request you might think rather queer, > Please clean my navel." Well, that proved to me, > Her brain was as loose as her morality. Yeah! > > uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah, uh, ah, uh, ah ah-ah > > Ah, Mama, she's the girl for me. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw } ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahaw Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! } ziza huh ziza huh ziza hawahu ahaw Oracle! } ziza huh ziza huh ziza haw ahah } } I'm the USENET Oracle I'll have you unnerstand } And it's a keyboard, not a microphone I'm holdin in my hand } You can e-mail stale questions to me via network } You can ask for my advice, I may be nice or be a jerk } So today I gotta say I aughtta answer Kid BZ } And give you my review of the lyrics mailed to me } I seen worse kind of verse on a cereal box } So lend an ear, you will hear how the Oracle rocks } } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahaw Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! } ziza huh ziza hu ziza hawahu ahaw Oracle! } ziza huh ziza hu ziza haw ahah } } I got fresh crisp words, they're never lame or corny } And the beat is sweet enough to get your girlfriend horny } She's a cover girl, like other girls the Oracle has seen } With a face like the cover on a Mad Magazine } I ain't sayin that her dad got a whore for a daughter } But her T-shirt says "four plays for a quarter" } So don't rap the Oracle with these tales about your tail } You better send your letter to Dear Abagail } And dude, don't think I'm rude or some other kind of snob } When I'm tellin ya fella not to quit your day job } Cause the hoke that you spoke is enough to make me choke } And the rappin you make happen proves you're no Tone Loc --- 104-03 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The U.S. Government seems to think that 1) I have the money to pay them > 90% of my gross income and that 2) I understand their tax forms. > Somewhere along the way, someone encouraged them to think this way. How > do I tell them (politely) to go chew a rock when it comes to paying > taxes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why do you seem to think that you should tell the government the truth } when it comes to your taxes anyways? They're never telling us the } truth. Consider Irangate, Bush's involvement in CIA drug smuggling, Dan } Quayle's existence, etc. No one understands the forms, and no one can } afford what they want to take. So the simple solution is... don't give } it to them! Hell, in the L.A. Times last week, it said the I.R.S. } only has the resources to audit 1% of the incoming tax forms. 1%!!! } You'll get caught once in a hundred years, and even then you can still } weasel your way out. Have your parents help you fill in your tax form; } they've already figured out how to cheat. They're an invaluable source } of info. } } You owe the Oracle a $2500 deduction for contraceptives. --- 104-04 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am very interested in the rating system of responses by the oracle. > Appearantly funny responses get a score of 5 and not so funny ones get a > 1. What will be the score of the answer to this question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmmm...interesting, interesting. You see, son, the whole problem here } is one of determinism: You're asking me to predict something that is } dependent on the nature of the prediction! Normally, we here at the } Oracle's office, try to avoid these kinds of paradoxes, but what the } hell! The key element, of course, is the fact that predictions of any } kind require a vision, and visions, don't come cheap, no sir!!! Now are } they easy: the last time I induced a vision, I was in a trance for a } good three billion years!! (Or, to put it another way, I went under } four advanced technological civilizations ago.) But I'm willing to do } it, just for you son! I just need to _sip_ this bottle here...Mmmm, '73 } Bordeaux...just another sip'll do it...OK!! Talk to you in just a } little bit! This trance shouldn't be anywhere *near* as long as that } last one though *heh* Seeya in a coupl'a thousand years! } } Nancy, hold all calls... --- 104-05 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > can you please get me a big, smart, sexy guy to play with? I was a > good girl all last year, I mean I was REALLY good, and I asked Santa > Claus but he didn't bring me one and I know you are better than Santa > anyway, so can you find me one and send it to me? Gosh, thanks, big O! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hold one moment...transferring your question to the gift giving } department... } } *really sappy musak* } } Gift department...one moment please...transferring to sexy guy } department. } } *To all the girls I've loved before....* } ACK!!!! } } Gift Giving Department...sexy guy division: } } What's this? You say that Santa wouldn't give you a sexy guy? } Hmmm...that seems to be a typical complaint around here. It seems that } the SCC (Santa Clause Commision) has some regulations about what he can } carry in that bag of his. Plus, do you know how difficult it is to } stuff the poor guy down a chimney? I can see that you haven't thought } of that, but that's where we come in. We have the largest fleet of sexy } guy delivery trucks in the world. And now thanks to our new computer } system we can usually get the orders sent out within 24 hours. } } We'd like you to simply fill out this questionaire and we will be happy } to process your order: } } cut here: } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } 1) Height desired: } 2) Eye & Hair Color desired: } 3) Do you want: } a) a conversationalist? } b) a JOCK? } c) a gweeper? } d) a politician (though we hope not)? } e) Jim Bakker? (extra 24 hours on delivery if we have to clean } Tammy's makeup off him) } f) Rob Lowe? (complimentary video camera: though you have to } provide tape) } } 4) What is your desired activity with this guy? (we may have to provide } him with certain medical supplies to be active with you) } 5) Please supply a permission slip signed by a legal adult. (or nearest } member of the moral majority...[good luck on that one]) } } Sign here if all information is true to the best of your abilities: } } X___________________________________________________________ } } ------------------------------------------------------------------------ } } We now transfer you to the Oracular Billing Department: } } *even worse sappy muzak* } } Billing Department: } } Thank you for using the oracularity shopping service. } You owe the oracle two witty sayings, a small cat, } and your first born son. (of said sexy guy) } } Have a nice day! --- 104-06 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does anyone know how I can get ispell to ignore TeX commands? If there > is no TeX flag for ispell, is there a way of loading a personalized > dictionary? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'M SORRY YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP! WE'RE HAVING A PARTY HERE RIGHT NOW. } WHAT WAS YOUR QUESTION? } } OH! HOLD ON I'LL CHECK.... } } HEY, DOES ANYONE HERE KNOW HOW THIS GUY CAN GET ISPELL TO IGNORE TeX } COMMANDS? } } No } Nope. } Uh uh! } No idea. } Ummmmm. No } } SORRY, LOOKS LIKE NOBODY HERE KNOWS. I APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! } } HEY SHORTY, POUR ME ANOTHER DRINK WILL YA'? THANKS. --- 104-07 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why should I never jump into a tub full of Pop Rocks (tm) when wet? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The same reason people like you should invest in minor cranial surgery. } } You owe the ORACLE: A package of Pop Rocks (not sullied by your } presence). --- 104-08 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ss, of course, I'm in a big X window or somethin I > e the right. And that doesn't make me feel ve g > l r . l > n o y i > U t k > s T e > r a h > . o ?lamron siht sI .lla ta ef e i > e /dna em woleb ecaps etihw fo stol eb d'ereht n t > fas yrev leef em sekam tI .segde eht dnuora ereh And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, i don't think it's very normal at all. Although living on the edge } was described by freud as beneficial to mental health (Occam's Razor and } other sharp dreams, freud s., 1911, vienna bagel press, p.xxiiia), my } xwindows manual (algebra made easy, thomas, podunk university press, p. } x^2) says that } } ...all text should be kept to the interior. this facilitates } porting, window resizing, and real solutions to the quadratic } equation. } } sleep 2 and call me in the morning. --- 104-09 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Shit! Someone left a bomb here... Have about 3 minutes left... There > are three wires running from the clock -- a red one, a green one, and a > yellow one... Which do I cut to keep the thing from exploding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } From: birnbaum@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Erma J. Birnbaum) } Subject: The Oracle is responding to another question } } Dear Sir or Madam: } The Oracle is currently busy responding to another question. Please } bear with us for about three minutes and He will reply. Thank you. } } Sincerely, } Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle } (Secretary to the Oracle) } } ... } ... } ... } ... } } O.K., I'm here, now what was it you wanted? Oh, for crying out loud. } You didn't need me to tell you how to defuse this thing. Look, } there are two batteries. One runs the timer and the other sends } current through the igniter. The red wire connects the first battery } to the timer; if you cut that, the clock will stop. The other two } wires connect the second battery to the igniter; if you cut one of } those two, the igniter will fail to burn once the clock reaches twelve } o'clock. The answer is simple: you can cut } } } BBBBB OOO OOO M M } B B O O O O MM MM } B B O O O O M M M M } B B O O O O M M M M } BBBBB O O O O M M M } B B O O O O M M } B B O O O O M M } B B O O O O M M } BBBBB OOO OOO M M } } } ...any of them... } } You owe the Oracle a er, um, hmm... say, being the fact that you're } dead and all, it could get real ugly for me if you should happen to } explain to the Man Upstairs how you got there. Tell you what, let's } cut a deal: I can arrange for the U. of Indy to pay for your funeral; } in exchange you say nothing about how I botched... } } [BEEP] } >> Message from "god@gates.heavan.gov (The Almighty)" on QS17441 << } } Shit! Too late. } oh, well... } } Yes, your Grace? } } > THERE'S THIS GUY AT THE PEARLY GATES WHO SAYS HE WAS KILLED WHEN A } > BOMB WENT OFF IN HIS OFFICE. HE SAYS YOU FAILED TO PROVIDE HIM } > INSTRUCTIONS FOR DEFUSING IT IN A TIMELY FASHION. IS THIS TRUE? } } ...yes, your Grace... } } > DO YOU REMEMBER THE PENALTY FOR GETTING SOMEONE KILLED BECAUSE OF } > YOUR NEGLIGENCE? } } ...how could i forget? i had to clean those stupid unicorn stalls } last week just for telling this guy he could increase his calcium } intake by drinking milk. how was i supposed to know the cow would } sit on him? } } > WELL, DON'T JUST SIT THERE INTERFACING. GET TO IT!! } } ..but your Grace.. } } > NOW!!! } } ...Yes, your Grace... } } > GOODBYE. } } ...goodbye, your Grace. } ... } Damn! } } > AND STOP YOUR SWEARING. } } ...yes, your Grace... --- 104-10 --------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > After much consternation and thought, I, the Great Oracle, have > decided to seek outside wisdom from The Great Oracle in order to provide > an answer to the question posed to it. > > > Oh Oracle most wise: > > > > Why can't I stop myself from eating at McDonalds? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, damn did I forget my lithium again? } This Society Of Mind stuff is interesting, but there's just entirely } too many of us in here. } } At any rate, on to the central question... } } > ha! You think you can stump the Great Oracle with such a transparent } > conundrum? It's very simple. McD's does not serve *food*. Therefore, } > your consumption of thier product can not be considered eating. This } > means you never have eaten at McDonald's. So of course you can't } > refrain from eating because you never have and never will be able to } > eat at McDonald's. } > } > Unless, of course, you brown bag it. But that will get you tossed out } > of the "restaurant" and is another question all together. } > } > You owe the Oracle lunch. } } And *you* owe the Oracle an appointment calendar so we wont miss our } next few psychotherapy sessions!