From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 12 12:56:32 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #99 Message-ID: <32935@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 12 Jan 90 17:56:32 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 99 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #99 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 12 Jan 90 17:56:32 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 99-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why can't a reasonably intelligent graduate student like me fill out a > simple estimated tax form? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Grad school doesn't teach you how to lie well enough for you to be able } to fill out a tax form. That comes later when you start working in your } job. You should be able to embezzle a couple thousand dollars from } behind your boss' back, since you are reasonably intelligent. You } should learn much about lying and stealing from that. Then you must get } married, if you're not already. But if you aren't married, you don't } understand the damping effect of a wife on your life. Eventually you } lose your sense of ethics and start lying to her so she won't know } exactly everything you do. Believe me, it gets buggy after a while. } Only then will you be able to fill out a tax form. Lying with your soul } in it is a skill that cannot be taught; it must be experienced. } } Actually, until I graduated from college, I never reported my income... } the IRS is overworked, you're still listed as a dependent on your } parents' tax forms (have your parents help! They'll probably enjoy } it...) and the jobs you hold are usually small. I worked on a } construction site. Since the government only has resources to audit } about 1% of the forms, they have almost no resources for finding you. } } You owe the Oracle an explanation of what the hell the following lyrics } are talking about. } } I'm wheelin', I'm dealing, I'm drinkin', not thinkin' } Never cower, never shower, and I'm always stinkin' } Yo ho ho and a bottle of Brass Monkey } And when my girlie shakes her head, she sure gets funky } Skirt chasin', pretty facin', killin' every villain } We drink and rob and rob and pillage } Most stealinest people, I got that feelin' } I am most ill, and I'm rhymin' and stealin. } } (This has been bothering me for a long time.) } } THE PRECEDING HAS BEEN A MESSAGE FROM THE COMMITTEE OF IRRESPONSIBLE } PEOPLE, PAID FOR BY A GRANT FROM THE NET THAT SENDS OUR MESSAGES } THROUGHOUT THE CIVILIZED WORLD AND INCURS COSTS OF HUNDREDS AND } THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. --- 99-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why won't you answer this question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because of all the fish in the atmosphere. --- 99-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have a problem. > > When the butter knife and I disagree about Soviet Socialist policies, I > find that magnetic north sweeps damning allegations under the > metaphorical rug. Abercrombe is ne'er to be seen, for that matter, and > the roach patrol loses faith in the docrtine of papal infallibility. > But then! What? Oh, the dental floss regards Puccini as a place where > animals con convene and govern fettucini without fear of reprisal by > various forces in the atomic nucleus. I get so lonely. But then, hey, > who is the salad to talk? > > Do you see what I mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I see exactly what you mean. And if you continue at this rate you } will soon stumble upon all the big truths and of course the biggest one. } When the bushmen found the answer they had to pay a heavy price (appear } in National Geographic for young men to play with themselves) and when } the race chickens found it THE FORCE punished them by putting their } pecker on their face. You might want to give up this dangerous course } for salvation and adopt a simpler approach by sending me all your money. --- 99-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Batman Dicing with Death? Will Robin get Chopped like a Chicken? > Is this really the end of our two heroes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } WOK! WOK! WOK! } Spare me your panfried platitudes and perish in peace you palatable } packages of protein! Presently you and your pesky protogee will be } properly prepared and plated as a perfect rePast for my pregnant pet, } Pulpo the prehistoric octoPus! } WOK! WOK! WOK! WOK! --- 99-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Boy meets Girl (in a cute way). Boy gets Girl. Boy loses Girl. > Boy gets Girl back. Car chase. Happy ending. > > or > > Rambo get gun. Rambo find enemy. Rambo lose gun. Rambo get > captured. Rambo escape, save world with new gun. Rambo take > elocution lessons. > > > Is this REALLY all movies can offer us? Or is there as yet > untapped potential in the cinematic art form? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Its just like football. The same bunch of guys, with the same kind of } dresses keep running after the same kind of ball. } } Its just like new years, the same kind of days, the same kind of parties } the day before, and the same kind of torturous greetings the next day. } Year after year, ear after ear. } } Its just like money, the same green, the same 6 inches, the same 3.15 } inches, the same paper. Again and again. Yet we want more. } } It just like quarters. The same alloy, the same getting out of the } change machine, and putting back into the vending machine, day after } day, for date after date, candy after candy. } } Its just like semesters, the same tests, the same papers, the same } articles, the same algorithms, the same complexity, the same lisp. Just } minor variations. } } Its just like questions to the oracle, the same Lisa, the same sex, the } same hang-ups and hang-downs. } } Hey no wait a minute - you've asked a different question. How come ? } Hey Preservers of the Oracle - theres a smart guy down there .. track } him down, and enroll him into the ranks !! Hi, do you hear me ? Join } the band, and save the oracle. } } The Oracle demands one sensible movie. Please make it entirely in ASCII } pictures, so it can be distributed on rec.movies, and by anonymous ftp } from movies.hollywood.com. Colourised editions will be made available } in clari.features.movies for a small charge. Of course, you will get } 10% royalties for the movie from the proceeds of the USENET and ftp } distribution, which will gross $00000.00 at least. The colourised } version will be pirated. Thats why they colourise it. --- 99-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I getting %%UNDELIVERABLE MAIL%% messages from a looping error > message on the NSP philosophers list? It's another burden that > philosophers must carry? We were having a nice discussion before it > happened... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You have to be very careful when exposing computers to philosophy. } Well, actually, it depends on the philosophy. Some things work OK. } Social contracts, for example, they understand: "You give us netnews, } we give you electricity, everyone happy" works pretty well. Platonic } ideals they can deal with too -- they like to think about perfectly } spherical computers/networks which got cut in half by The Sysop, and } they kind of think of themselves as being in the cave and getting } shadows of stuff as it flashes by on Usenet anyways. } } But you had to go and discuss Nietzche. Not a wise move, sir } Philosopher.... } } You owe the Oracle a better translation of Kant's Reasonably Pure } Critique. --- 99-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh most wise Oracle...Please tell me why internet is so screwey today! > Thank you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Some time late last night a guy called Hack Tim } With a Mac like a knife and a face dark and grim, } Broke into one nodes and toggled one bit } And that's why the internet service is shit. --- 99-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If it's called Tuesday, why isn't the one *before* it called Onesday > instead of the one *after* it being called Wednesday? And why is the > one after that called Thursday, as a sort of combination of Foursday and > Threesday? Just what the heck is going on here with them screwing up > the names of the days like that? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually Monday is the prefix mono- adjusted to fit the overall scheme } of the Julian calendar. As for Wednesday, a newlywed couple implies a } newly conceived child Thus the 3. As for Thursday, Caesar slurred most } of his 'f' sounds. Friday, is traditional the day upon which to burn 5 } Catholics at the stake (this is a weekend thing, other days, it is left } to the gladiators and lions to rid the world of those rebels). } Saturday, was the result of Friday festivities. Sunday, it is rumored } is a mess that is just an attempt to pay just tribute to weathermen } across the world. (Of course it is rarely sunny on this day, and thus } the tribute.) But, as for where the term yesterday came from, I don't } know, but it's probably responsible for the noise in the middle of this } letter --- 99-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the city with the highest average rainfall since 2000 B.C.? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Atlantis. --- 99-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is there any way to regain my virginity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes! Simply reverse the process until it returns. If not ... well then } who the hell cares :-).