From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Jan 5 12:17:09 1990 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #92 Message-ID: <32475@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 5 Jan 90 17:17:09 GMT Organization: Indiana University, Bloomington === 92 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #92 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 5 Jan 90 17:17:09 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 92-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is orange juice yellow? > And what's so great about sliced bread? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hey, listen, man, you gotta understand } that in orange juice the absorption band } of the molecules lies in the green } and blue - that explains the orange sheen. } } The Oracle has rapped. } } [ } Re: Your second question. } } Dear Mr. Scum, } } I am sorry to tell you that the Oracle most definitely refuses } to answer more than one question at a time. So, if you want the } Oracle's opinion on sliced bread, you will unfortunately have } to mail It this as a separate question. } However, if I may add my personal opinion, sliced bread has } proved most effective in helping me achieve orgasm at least } once a month. } } Sincerely Yours, } On behalf of the Oracle, } } Erma J. Birnbaum Hornswiggle } (personal secretary of the Usenet Oracle). } ] --- 92-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I stand up after holding my breath and spinning on my head, I often > get dizzy and drop to the ground. > > Is there some way I could impart the proper angular momentum as I fall, > so that I would land ON MY HEAD, SPINNING? > > It would save me the time of starting over. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This can only be successfully achieved in the five minutes before and } after the equinox, for the same reason that one can balance an egg on } it's end at that time. --- 92-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > I can understand that so many people ask you about sex, especially kinky > sex, 'cause after all that's what occupies 90 % of our thoughts. But > why are so many questions about lingerie, especially bras? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Actually, all of the lingerie questions seem to come from North Dakota. } I suspect that since underwear is not usually worn in that state, } lingerie is considered to be especially arousing. } } You owe the oracle a pair of woolen knickers. --- 92-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are there any questions you won't answer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } --- 92-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HHhoooowww ddo III geeett rriiid of thhhisss ffaast > aauuutooreepeaat?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Filter al your input through this litle program (writen in C): } } --------------------------------- } #include } } main() } { } char c; } char lastc = EOF; } } while ((c = getchar()) != EOF) { } if (c != lastc) } putchar (c); } lastc = c; } } } } } ------------------------------------ } } I think that wil fix your anoying problem. } } (You may have some smal problems with double leters, though.) --- 92-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it more fun to play the Oracle when my lover is here than when > s/he is away? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I don't want to know. Really, I just don't want to know. --- 92-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > /* WHY doesn't this work? */ > main(argc, argv, envp) > int argc; > char **argv, **envp; > { > char c,mask; > > mask=atoi(argv[1]); > > while((c=getchar)!=-1) > putchar(mask^c); > } > /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } /* WHY doesn't this work? */ <-- comment offends the software gods } main(argc, argv, envp) } int argc; <-- semicolons! the gods require FULL colons! } char **argv, **envp; } { } char c,mask; <-- masks! disguises! trickery! grrrrr!! } } mask=atoi(argv[1]); <-- "atoi" = "Ayatollah" in machine language } (although the "arg" is quite } while((c=getchar)!=-1) appropriate) } putchar(mask^c); <-- REMOVE your character masks! the gods } } compile only HONEST code! } /* Why doesn't it stop when finished? */ } ^ } This should now be apparent. } } The Oracle demands you say three Hail Fortrans, and make a pilgrimage to } Maynard, Mass. --- 92-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I sneeze, I sometimes have visions of ancient Incan laborers > hefting huge stones up jagged mountainsides. Sometimes, if it's a big > sneeze, I can even hear them singing. But it sounds so much like "Girls > Just Wanna Have Fun" that I begin to doubt myself. Perhaps I'm tuning > into two psychic experiences at once. Or perhaps Cyndi Lauper is Incan. > I don't know. I just know it frightens me. Can you explain any of > this? And can you suggest a good podiatrist? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Out-of-body experiences are common during sneezing, just like during } orgasm. Don't fight it (and don't get hooked on it). The meaning and } scope of such experiences is one of life's great mysteries (which means } this is going to cost extra). } } 1) The laborers are indeed making the lost city of Cibola in your dream. } You are channeling through one of the architect's assistancts. } } 2) This assistant is indeed the REAL author of ``Girls Just Wanna Have } Fun.'' He wrote it between Pyramid Studies and Western Civ. } } 3) Cyndi Lauper, a noted archeologist, discovered the song while on a } vacation in Mexico. } } The fact that you found out means that a National Inquirer article is } just waiting for your call. I'd tell you the number but the FCC would } read me the riot act... } } You owe the oracle a dream sequence. --- 92-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > In any given half hour, how many people are actually doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A better question, my son, is, } } "Given a half hour, how many people will do it?" } } You owe the Oracle some KY jelly and a night on the town. --- 92-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why does chaos reign on my desk? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Why does chaos rain on your desk? Because, my friend, you don't have } the amazing Chao-Brella(TM), new from Ora-Co Industries. It's } guaranteed to stop everything from a slightly confused drizzle right up } to a totally random downpour! And it comes in fifteen fashion colours! } How much would you pay for something this useful? But wait! There's } more!! If you act today you will also receive... } } [loud, overly theatrical thunderclap] } } GOD: 'ELLO, 'ELLO, 'ELLO. WHAT'S ALL THIS THEN? } } Oh, um, nothing really. Just answering a few questions. } } GOD: YOU WOULDN'T BE USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR } COMMERCIAL GAIN, WOULD YOU? } } Who me? No, not really. It's just that... well, um.... my mother's } phlebitis is acting up and I needed some extra cash for medicine and I } thought... } } GOD: IF YOU HAD READ ORACLE.ANNOUNCE.NEWUSERS YOU WOULD KNOW THAT } USING THE HIGH AND MIGHTY OFFICE OF THE ORACLE FOR COMMERCIAL } GAIN IS A GROSS INFRACTION OF RULE SEVEN. } } Yes, I realize that but I figured that in this case... } } GOD: SILENCE. NOW KNOCK IT OFF OR I'LL STICK YOU BACK IN THE FORTUNE } COOKIE FACTORY I FOUND YOU IN. } } Yes ma'am. } } You owe the Oracle [ominous rumble of thunder] ... er, that is, the } Oracle owes you one Chao-Brella(TM), no charge.