From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 31 13:07:12 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #88 Message-ID: <32222@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 31 Dec 89 18:07:12 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 88 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #88 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 31 Dec 89 18:07:12 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 88-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that I can only talk to women when I have $1,000,000 worth of > computer hardware to mediate our conversations? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Better user-interface. --- 88-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I believe in You when I don't believe in Santa Clause! Or the > Easter Bunny! Or the Tooth Fairy! Or anything else! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ever send mail to santa@rudolph.npole.geo? } } I answer *my* mail. } } You owe the Oracle a miniature sleigh. --- 88-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who put the bop in the bop-she-bop-do-wop? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first bop is of the neuter variety, having not yet chosen its sex. } The second bop is of course a female bop, as can be determined by the } use of the "she-" prefix. Current scientific speculation is that the } pair is currently searching for a third bop of the male gender, thus } leading to the triplet "bop-she-bop-he-bop-do-wop", at which point the } appropriate number of bops will be present and they can "do wop" - an } activity roughly approximating that among sexually active human beings. } At this point of course, a "bop-do-wop" would be produced and after } combining with appropriate bops from the results of other wops the cycle } would repeat. } } See also: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? --- 88-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, don't you have anything better to do than sit around answering > questions all day? Goddess, the answers are coming within minutes! > Don't you have family to visit or something? Xmas toys to break? A Mr > or Mrs Oracle to entertain? Hmmmm??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mrs. Oracle... MRS. ORACLE! Great Goddess, I forgot about the } wife! I, the great Oracle, will have to answer your question in the } true depth it deserves at a later time. I missed the Solstice with the } wife... } } (...I don't think she's ever going to forgive me THIS time...) --- 88-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I sending this letter to you? You should know the answer, you > are indeed THE Oracle...... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, actually, I'm not. THE Oracle is away for the holidays, and I'm } just the janitor. I usually answer the questions pretty well, at least } the Oracle thinks so, but I can't handle them all, especially the ones } that presume omniscience. However, I've had a lot of practice at this } stuff (once the great Oracle discovered how good a substitute I was, the } Oracle's vacation schedule lengthened considerably, the lazy bum), so } I'll give it the old college try: } } Call her up this minute and tell her you're sorry. You are an absolute } fool if you think you can get away with being such an inconsiderate } louse. Seriously consider sensitivity training or reading a few } feminist textbooks so you'll understand why she thinks you are such a } pig. } } You owe the Oracle's janitor ten cases of paper towels, industrial } strength. --- 88-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do the plum consulting jobs appear the very week after i take a > regular job? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Student: I want a plum, but I only have an apple. } Keido: Then let go of the plum. } Student: How can I do that? } Keido: Take a bite of the apple. } } Desires are inexhaustible; I vow to put an end to them. } ------- --- 88-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many Usenet Oracles does it take to change a light bulb? And does > this have anything to do with enlightenment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Six. } } One to complain about it being a meaningless question. } One to ask that the lightbulb be changed. } One to make a strange comment about Lisa screwing lightbulbs. } One to telnet to Hell and get all kinds of shit from their Division of } Light Bulbs. } One to write a stupid little poem about it. } One to detoxify the Martian molasses reference books. } } } This has the very much to do with enlightenment. As the Good Book says, } "When you're feeling something special, make a call to someone to share } your thoughts." Or perhaps it is "When you're feeling something special } about someone, make a call to share your thoughts." Or maybe it was } "When you're feeling someone special, make a call to something to share } your thoughts." Or "When you thought you were feeling someone special, } make a call to George Bush to share your political ambitions." I don't } really care. } } You owe the Oracle a new 124.32764-Watt lightbulb and a free hour on } MCI. --- 88-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh wisest of the wise, > Please answer me this: > > Why is IBM often referred to as 'Big Blue' ? > > when they really should be > > 'Big, Bad, and Ugly?' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unknown to most mortals (but blatantly obvious to omniscient Oracles), } `Big Blue' was not originally IBM's nickname. Like many men through the } ages, Thomas Watson treated his sexual organ as a separate entity - even } to the point of secretly naming it. } } This secret was kept for twenty years until a jilted stenographer } spilled the beans to the typing pool at the annual Christmas party. The } legend of `Big Blue' quickly spread throughout the company. Customers } and suppliers began to hear phrases like `Big Blue is angry today' and } the rest is history. } } You owe the Oracle either a copy of `Oxford's Dictionary of Etymology' } or `Grey's Anatomy'. --- 88-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is the woman of my dreams hiding??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She's hiding on Level 48, in a maze of twisty little passages, all } alike, surrounded by all kinds of monsters. } } The 9 in the center room is the woman of your dreams. You are a } computer nerd and can't possibly aspire to a 10. } } +------------------------+ } | - -333- - - - | } | ----- -3--- - - ------ | } | - $-T-^- l -U- - - | } | - --- - -'--- - ----$- | } | - - - - - - | } | -----$- ---{{{{{{ ---- | } | s - H{----{ - | } | ---------- {-d9-{ ---- | } | - / ^- {----{ - L | } | -------- -D{{{{{{ ----)| } | - $ N - e- P - | } | -------- ------ ------ | } | -Y - ' -' < | } +------------------------+ } } You owe the Oracle a high-score at NetHack. --- 88-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just heard a news flash on UPI that said that the Oracle was spotted > on vacation in Aruba with Lisa and Diane and Barbara, gambling and > drinking and throwing (1) up, (2) darts, and (3) coins at poor natives > who have to catch them between their teeth to buy barely enough > poor-quality rice to feed their huge families. Is this true? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } To exist is one thing, to be percieved is another. } } The Oracle requires that you leave one yak.