From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Dec 26 18:21:12 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #87 Message-ID: <32089@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 26 Dec 89 23:21:12 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 87 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #87 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 26 Dec 89 23:21:12 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 87-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, I must know: > > Do we exist as sublime manifestations of a Greater Intelligence, or are > we just worms with eyes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Neither one. We are worms with eyes, noses, iridescent blue butterfly } wings, great big horns sticking out of the middles of our foreheads, } RS-232 ports in the backs of our necks, and very large erections. You } should have checked on this before you wrote such a silly question. } } You owe the Oracle a Greater Intelligence and a Lesser Antille. --- 87-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who blasted the throat out of my otter? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Being too busy to bother with your question myself, I consulted one of } my co-processes for her gems of wisdom: } } Who blasted the throat out of my otter? } } >Do you get blasted often? } } Who blasted the throat out of my otter? } } >Do you enjoy being blasted? } } Who blasted the throat out of my otter? } } >What makes you blasted? } } How did my otter come to have its throat blasted out? } } >Is it because did your otter come to have its throat blasted out that } >you came to me? } } No, I came to find out who did it! } } >Why do you say you came to find out who did it? } } I give up... } } >Earlier you said you were blasted? --- 87-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a doom poodle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A doom poodle, by any reasonable definition, is a rare hairless dog } found on the sub-continent, which roams rainforests and brings bad luck } to small unsuspecting villages. --- 87-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why didn't you go to MIT? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, it's a long story. I was going to visit MIT once, a couple } years ago, when I was bored; but right before I got there it winked out } of existence right before I got there and was replaced by a giant vat of } Pekingese. Apparently they were testing a new version of reality } (version 3.12b) and they found a bug. Seems someone had forgotten to } pop everything off the stack before returning from some infrequently } used single-stack routine. } You know, version 3.12b was VERY buggy. Rumor has it that Pons and } alia were using that version. If you asked me, I'd know for sure. } } You owe the Oracle a lobotomized Jehovah's-witness pit bull. --- 87-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I buying 3.5" diskettes when I know perfectly well they won't fit > in my old PC's 5.25" disk drives? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you're anticipating the coming of the Omni-compatible drive. It } will handle 5.25" 360k and 1.2M floppies, 3.5" 720 and 1.44M floppies, } Optical disks (any size), 40M, 60M and 150M tape cassettes, Bernoulli } Cartridges, Digital Audio Tapes and 8-track cassettes, records, ticker } tape, punch cards, scan-tron sheets and solid state silicon blocks. It } will have a 2 nanosecond access time, making ram obsolete. It will sell } for $600 and for an additional $300 you get an adaptor to let it act as } a full color fax machine, laser printer, scanner and copier. } } Unfortunately, it will be incompatible with your old PC. } } You owe the Oracle yet another standard. --- 87-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why when I jiggle my belly--like this!!--my terminal stops wo And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Artificial intelligence has become reality, and your terminal has a } crush on you. When you do something as adorable as that it cannot } speak, cannot move.... --- 87-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where is Manual Noriega hiding? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "Manual" Noriega is perhaps with your other documentation, but where } Manuel Noriega is hiding, I won't tell.... --- 87-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you have a good eggnog recipe ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have a recipe for everything! What's the point of being All-knowing } if you can't eat well? As it happens, I was just about to make a batch } of egg-nog for the Priesthood Christmas Office Party; I'll tell you what } to do as I make it. } } First off, get your ingredients. You will need: } A dozen eggs, yolks seperated from the whites. } (I know, that's a lot of work. But if you want really good egg-nog, } you have to be willing to work at it. Trust me, the end result } is worth it.) } 1 pound of confectioner's sugar. } 2 quarts whipping cream. } A large quantity of dark rum or brandy. } I'm using Capt. Morgan's Spiced Rum, use your favorite. } Just make sure you like the taste of it... Ahh.. yes, this } will do just fine. } } Now then, beat the egg yolks. Next, beat in the pound of confectioner's } sugar. Whew, all this beating is making me thirsty, I'll have a little } bit of that rum. Ahh.. much better. Anyway, pour about two cups of } the rum (or brandy) into the egg and sugar mix. Let's see, fill up the } measuring cup... well, that's a bit too much. Better drink some of } that first.. Hokay, that's two cups. Into the mix it goes. A little } more wouldn't hurt. Now, mix it all up real good. Cover it and let it } stand for about an hour. } While we're waiting, I'll clean up the kitchen a bit. Well, before I } put the rum away, I'll just have a little. *boy* that's good stuff. } Tell you what, why don't you clean up the kitchen, I'll go make sure the } rum doesn't get sour or something. Call me in an hour. } } huh? aL ready? right, Back to the cooking. Okay, open up the } mixture and beat in another 3 or four cups of rum or so. Oops, there } isn't that much left in this bottle, better open a new one. Aaahh, } yeah, this one is good too. Okay, get hte whipping cream and beat it } into the stuff to. Iff the cream doesn't want ot whip to much then have } some more rum. right. okay. now, stick the stuff intno the fridge fot } tthree hours. COme get me, iVe got a sick frinde that neeeds some rum. } } Yo ho ho.. Avast, there matey! I'lll make ya wak the plannk! huh? } OH, right, the stuff. hang on... } } right, get out of the fridge. grab the egg things, you knoow, the other } part, now BEAT THEM! hah! beat them till they get stiff. Hey, you } should have lots a practice at that, huh? HA! Haha! anyway, now that } theyrre stiff and erveryhingg, fold thm into to the mixure. TA DA!! } We're done. wait... no.. DAmn, Forgot the whatsits, nutmeg. Right. } gRind some nutmeg and thrOw the shit on top. TA DA! Now drink yourself } to unconsh unsconsc unnonscios drink yourself stupid. and hurry, youre } almost there already. HA! } } An like i said what you gett is worth it, whn you get it in the end } } you owe The Egg Nog some oracle. --- 87-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle, > > Have a Merry Christmas! If this subservient one may ask, what are your > plans? > > Your fan. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The taking of a holiday is a time-honored tradition in almost every } society. There have always been certain times of the year when the } populace in general can cease their labors and participate in activities } that serve to draw the community closer together. The farming } communities of ancient europe had their solstice and equinox } celebrations, the aztecs would gather together and cut the hearts out of } people, the incredibly obscure and poorly researched island culture of } the Kahawaminikalukukanukki to this very day delight in the twice-yearly } "Festival of He Who Hops Across The Earth With Five Brightly Colored } Birds Tied To His Ankle," in which they... but I digress. } } In stark contrast to this principle of "Everybody gets a day to tell the } boss to stick it in his ear, I'm going to have a good time today," } members of religious orders never really seem to get a chance to let it } all hang out. This may be because: } a) They are the ones that usually have to do the work when everyone } else is celebrating the holy occasion of the day, and } b) Their boss is a bit harder to give such creative directives to. } } The delphic oracle never found the lack of days off to be much of a } problem. Remember, she got "inspired" by breathing suspect fumes, } followed by visions and a sense of being one with the gods. With a job } like that, who needs holidays? } } For my part, this Christmas I'm going to turn on the answering machine, } grab a good looking chick and some mistletoe, head for this cave I know } about in Greece, and get inspired. } } Merry Christmas. --- 87-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Uh, yo > > Like, during Christmas break everybody leaves but us temporary > operators. Myself, I sleep and eat at the Alpha house and come in > nights. So, last night, I was yankin my pal "Boomer" and telling him > you could actually see stuff being written inside the disk drive. Boom > gets really browned and says "No Way", so I say, "Way". > > Just to prove me wrong he opens up the main drive and sticks his head > in. That's when this really weird sound happened. Boomer's legs kind > of twitch like that dude in the Talking Heads Video every time too. > Everybody thinks it's funny but I can't get B-man's noodle out of the > drive and now some dudes can't access the games directory. Who ya gonna > call? > > Suds Man And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ah, the answer is simple. First, you must get several gallons of } industrial strength nail polish remover. Pour this into the disk drive, } but make sure you make a tape backup first. The nail polish remover } will dissolve "Boomer", leaiving the drive intact. Now, retrieve the } tape backup and "Boomer" with it. Unfortunately, there will be balls of } hair in random spots in Rogue for months.