From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 22 20:20:52 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #86 Message-ID: <32022@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 23 Dec 89 01:20:52 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 86 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #86 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 23 Dec 89 01:20:52 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 86-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Christine thinking at this very moment? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Here's a transcript of Christene's thoughts: } } Oh, where did I leave my hat ... hat ... hat ... oh, there is is on } my bed. Keys, let's see, right pocket, yes, there they are. I did get } money yesterday, $60 ought to be plenty-plenty. Roger has a cute ass } but he chews like a rabbitt. Diana's much better. It's snowing } outside. Where is my red coat? I could get her a ... I forgot to put } the chow main away. --- 86-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will lightening strike me down if I dial a 900 number from my home > phone? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not necessarily. If you happened to dial the Violent Weather hotline at } 1-900-VIO-RAIN, this indeed is a possibility. However, calling the } Sudden Death hotline at 1-900-RUP-TURE can result in a brain tumor or } perhaps even a heart attack. Calling 1-800-RUP-TURE results in a mild } contusion, but it's free. } } Other important numbers: } } 1-900-BOV-INES: Makes you grow horns and/or give milk. } 1-900-MAN-ATEE: Makes you very fat very quickly. } 1-900-SQU-ARED: Same as if you had dialed 361-0000 (1900 times 1900). } 1-900-STU-PID: Will do nothing since it doesn't contain enough numbers } to be valid. } 1-900-SIG-MUND: Allows you to listen to a person speaking in German very } quickly. } 1-900-BIG-LOUD: A large guy will be sent to your home to tell you not to } ever, ever dial that number again. } } Hope this confuses you. If you need help, hang up and then dial your } Operator. } } You owe the Oracle $1 for the first minute and $.45 for each } additional minute. --- 86-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just read in the Oracularities about Barbara, the > net.suppleness.goddess. You didn't say much, though. So I ask. > > Just as Lisa is extremely sexy in everything she does, so must > Barbara, I assume, be extremely supple in everything she does. > > So what does Barbara do when she: > > * Ties her shoelaces? > > * Brushes her teeth? > > * Papers her walls? > > * Sits in a chair, meditating? > > (Not to mention what Lisa does... Well, next time... ;-) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } She just does all this things with deep grace and beauty. Of course, } she can tie her shoelaces by tying her arms together, holding one lace } in each hand, and then untying her arms. But that is a sort of party } trick -- she doesn't do it all the time. --- 86-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm seeking enlightenment. What software should I buy to help me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 1. Sri Fuji Rama's MacMeditation package is a good one for beginners, } with pulldown menus and superb documentation. } } 2. Swami Batdhude Vajnananda's MacMoksha is a good system for those } planning to give away all their belongings and go be hermits. } } 3. Lotus 1-2-3 is probably the best program for most of that kind of } mental shit. --- 86-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me, dear Oracle: > > When I receive a question to answer, there is a number in the subject > line. I thought this was some cind of serial numbering, but the numbers > are not steadily increasing. So what do the numbers mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh dear. I'm afraid you shouldn't be answering questions for the } Oracle. Every Acolyte of the Oracle is supposed to go through a } training course and have a copy of the Oracle Reference Manual on hand } at all times. In that manual, on page 12 it explains that these numbers } encode the answer to the question being asked. Your job is just to } translate the answer into English. } } Your question for example was labelled #Qa15652. This can be parsed up } as follows: } # Language of response (#=English, $=French, etc.) } Q Mood (P=polite, Q=queasy, R=rambling, etc.) } a Auxiliary mood (a=apologetic, i=insulting, o=obscene, etc.) } 15652 A Godel encoding of the answer. Obviously, I can't } include the entire manual here. Just as an illustration, } if the Godel number is prime the answer is truthful. } } If you want to become a certified Acolyte of the Oracle, send mail to } the Oracle with "teach me" in the subject line. --- 86-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Oracle > Why does my board have a pen and where do I get another? How's the > weather over there? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Alas, your board just has no pen, } and never more it will again, } Until the cuckoo doth begin, } To ask about the weather. } } A fool upon the board did write } Some verses set in black and white } All using wording recondite } to ask about the weather. } } Your lady-love upon the board } Her hopes and fears and sorrows poured, } But all of them you had ignored } to ask about the weather. } } The noble board upon the wall } Has messages from one and all } But you despise it as you call } to ask about the weather. } } You owe the Oracle a weathermap. --- 86-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hey! Who cut my head off! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Contrary to common belief, people cannot have their heads cut off } without having at least a small suspicion at to who has done it. It is } apparent to the Oracle that you are suffering from what is referred to } as spontaneous cranial detachment, known in the vernacular as a 'head } crash.' The only solution is to go to the place you last remember having } your head, and feel around for it. Detached heads are not known for } their exceptional mobility, and it should not have wandered far. This } should be done with due haste because of the possibility of brain } leakage. Of course this is not fatal. If you find your head somewhat } lacking in brains either due to this mishap or simply as a fact of life, } it is always possible to get a job as in data entry or politics. } } You owe the Oracle one frontal lobe, preferably yours. --- 86-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I get a magic wand which will turn whatever I touch with it > invisible? I need to give it to a very strange friend as a Christmas > present. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I have a whole box of them here. You may certainly have one. See how it } works? I just wave it over this page of typing, and t v nish th } } } } } } } } } } } } } --- 86-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just got a letter in the mail asking me to join "Santa Claus > Anonymous". What is the significance of this? I have never had a Santa > Claus habit in my entire life. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You're confused. FantaClaws Nuns Anonymous is the organization for } religious women secretly and illegaly modifying their required dress } (knows as the habit) to costumes of fantastic animals with large claws; } usually this modification is done with religious ecstatic intent. Santa } Claus Anonymous is a well known pyramid scheme, whereby unsuspecting } children are given anonymous gifts (usually laid to a mythical figure } known as Santa Claus) and then recruited to buy and give gifts to } others, usually by the promise of a great return on their generousity } (e.g., "Little Johnny gave his sister a baby doll and in one week had } received over three thousand GI Joe weapons systems, many of them with } cost overruns"). Once indoctrinated into the Santa Claus pyramid } scheme, most individuals continue to buy and give gifts for the } remainder of their lives, in spite of repeated disappointments and even } in spite of coming to disbelieve in the scheme; the habit seems } impossible to break. } } Santa Claus Anonymous is a small group of courageous victims who never } give gifts, never receive gifts, never deceive children, and who meet } every week to reassure each other that they're doing the right thing } (and incidentally, to reminesce about the days of their captivity, and } the gifts they gave and received). --- 86-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > You are always complaining about getting stupid questions,why don't you > just nuke the jerks sending them to you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a fabulous idea! Why didn't I think of that? } } Let's see now...just whip up a few radiation-enhanced small warheads } with an e-mail delivery system...then tag 'em on to a pithy reply... } } HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! } } Huh? } } REMEMBER YOUR JOB, STUPID. YOU ARE OMNISCIENT, NOT OMNIPOTENT. THAT'S } MY DOMAIN, IF YOU'LL EXAMINE YOUR PITIFUL EXCUSES FOR RAM. } } Oh, well, gee, immense one, I forgot. I can't help it! I do get lots } of stupid questions! They're driving me crazy! } } I UNDERSTAND. BUT THE SORT OF REVENGE YOU WERE CONTEMPLATING IS FOR ME } TO INFLICT, NOT AN INSIGNIFICANT MILLIBIT LIKE YOU. } } Aw, gee, could I do just one? It would set a great example. } } OH, VERY WELL. BUT ONE AND ONE ONLY. AND IT HAD BETTER BE A REALLY } STUPID QUESTION, LIKE SOMETHING TO DO WITH FRAYED KNOTS. } } Oh yes, ma'am. I'll save it for someone so stupid that Lisa would use } them to polish her driveway. } } Now, I'll just sit and wait for the next really stupid question... } } You owe the Oracle a kilogram of supercritical U-238.