From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Dec 20 18:11:46 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #85 Message-ID: <31932@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 20 Dec 89 23:11:46 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 85 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #85 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 20 Dec 89 23:11:46 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 85-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that I spend so much money on Compact Discs? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmm... I suspect you're spending too much money on CD's because you're } trying too hard to get laid. Here are some cases in point: } } --You bought twelve Grateful Dead CD's after you met this cute nympho } deadhead at your local Tower Records thinking she'd be so impressed } that you'd have no trouble asking her out. Too bad she hated the } Dead and only dressed up that way to turn on her eighty-six year old } husband who by the way is very rich and has promised her a huge sum } in his will if she continues to dress up that way. } } --That one woman who played oboe in the symphony orchestra? I seem to } remember you bought Beethoven's first, fourth, fifth and ninth, } Mozart's Requiem and Eine Kleine Nachtmusik, Bach's Brandenburg } Concertos #'s 1 thru 6 (three concertos per disk), and Toccata and } Fugue in D minor just so you could keep your head above water when } talking with her about classical music. Of course, I suspect she } wasn't too impressed when you told her that your favorite was } "Toccati's Feud in Asia Minor". } } --Not to mention that headbanger that you wanted to get to know better } because you thought the word "headbanger" meant something other than } "heavy metal fan". Five Motley Crue, four Iron Maiden's, three Def } Leppard's, two Judas Priests (and a partridge in a pear tree). Just } to find out later that "headbanger" doesn't really mean "woman who } gives great blowjobs". And to think you came across the only Metal } fan in the world who's saving herself for marriage. } } Here's a breakdown of your purchases the past year: } Twelve Grateful Deads @ $12.99 each } Nine generic classical @ $10.99 each } Fourteen generic heavy metal @ $12.99 each } Thirty-seven Top 40 @ $12.99 each } Five generic jazz @ $11.99 each } Seven Big Band (gotta admire you for that one; it's not everyone who's } attracted to 70+ year old women) @ $11.99 each } Fifteen New Wave @ $12.99 each } Ten Punk Rock (gotta admire you for that one too; it's not everyone } who's attracted to women who beat up men for fun) @ $12.99 each } } Sub-total: $1,385.91 } Sales Tax: $ 83.15 } Total: $1,469.06 } } Of the twenty-six women you wanted to fuck this year, you only scored } with the punker and the septegenarian. And you could have done that } for free. } Do yourself a favor: stop buying CD's and go get yourself a hooker. } At fifty bucks a score (plus fifty cents for the rubber) you can get } laid an average of 29.09 Saturday nights per year. Although } septegenarians do give better head if their teeth are missing. } } You owe the Oracle and yourself a subscription to the Columbia House } CD club. And a better pocket calculator. --- 85-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle Most Wise, I have a question about Barbara the > net.suppleness.goddess that you told me about. > > I know that Lisa, naturally, spends most of her spare time having sex in > one form or another, acting as The Great Goddess of Sex. She is > performing her divine sex acts. > > What about Barbara then? How does she spend her spare time, acting as > The Great Goddess of Suppleness? Just being divinely supple, I suppose. > What are her divine suppleness acts? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Barbara does indeed spend her time performing acts of divine suppleness. } She is often seen tying herself into a pretzel. Occasionally she ties } herself into a frayed knot and goes to harass the people on rec.humor. } Sometimes she comes slithering seductively over my terminal, performing } magnificent backbends. On alternate Thursdays she can be found joining } Lisa in extremely supple sex acts, the kinds that mere mortal women find } nigh impossible. You owe the Oracle a beautiful and talented disciple } of Barbara. --- 85-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was it between Kirk and Spock? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sixty-three high-energy phorce phields, a lightyear of lead shielding, a } high-intensity ionic energy screen, and a big species gap. --- 85-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it really true that you are what you eat? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh, shit! That mean's I'm tofu! And my girlfriend is me!! --- 85-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do I keep writing my girlfriend stories about goats? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never underestimate the erotic potential of stories and poetry about } ruminant beasts. Why do you think the rec.humorites are so fascinated } with ASCII pictures of cows? To wit: } } There once was a boy with a goat, } As horny as a sailor off boat, } At night in his sleep, } He dreamt it was a sheep, } And he didn't have to fuck it down the throat. } } You owe the Oracle a kid. --- 85-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How do you make the Jehovah's Witnesses go away? > Why are they here? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jehovah's Witnesses are in your terminal room? How strange. Usually } they are out on some urban street corner giving out free copies of "The } Watchtower." } } There are two ways you can get rid of them: } } 1) [Short-term solution] Say "Shoo! Go away!" Amazingly, } this works. It does not work on Hare Krishnas, though. } } 2) [Short-term solution-- possible side-effects] Take off } your clothes, prick your finger, draw a blasphemous } symbol on your chest, and start rocking back-and-forth, } intoning the name of Cthulhu or your own favorite demon. } (Or daemon, but I doubt the J.W.'s are scared of spool } files.) } } 3) [Short-term solution-- possible anti-social side-effects] } Take off your clothes, and finger your prick. } } 4) [Long-term solution] Assassinate Michael Jackson. Aside } from rescuing the world from the prince of androgeny, you } will cut off their main monetary supply, and their } oraganization will wither. } } 5) [Alternate long-term solution] Find out who is in charge-- } the "top banana"-- and get them involved in a jucy sex } scandal. } } 6) [Backup alternate long-term solution] Find out where they } print "The Watchtower" and contaminate the bins of ink } with a virulent microorganism. Notify the health department } that the J.W.'s are dying on street corners across America. } } 7) [Backup alternate contingency long-term solution] If they } don't all die off in step (6), notify the C.I.A. that } Communists, Libyans, or whatever are trying to destroy } the U.S. by passing out contaminated brochures. } } 8) [Substitutive backup alternate contingency long-term } solution] Make them publish "The Watchtower" using only } Microsoft products. Sit back, and watch frustration set } in! } } 9) [Final solution] Hold a J.W. convention. Drop a } low-yield nuclear device on it. } } You owe the Oracle your version of "Mein Kampf." } The Oracle has done his thing. --- 85-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my girlfriend's behind the most ticklish spot on her body? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wellll. It's like this. } } When God created woman he decided to give her three weaknesses: } } - The first weakness was a fondness for kids. } - The second weakness was a need for men. } - And the third weakness was a ticklish tush. } } Some people (women) think these are virtues. } Some people (men) enjoy exploiting the third weakness. } All men exploit the second one... } } You owe the oracle a feather... --- 85-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh oracle, I admire Dan Quayle. I want to worship his spleen. I want > to worship his tongue. I want to admire his cunt. I want to worship > his ankle. I want to adore his penis. I want to kiss his virtue. I > want to worship his soul. I want to worship his little finger. I want > to kiss his neutron bomb. I want to kiss his fist. I want to admire > his soul. I want to admire his shoulder. I want to adore his spleen. > I want to admire his ribs. I want to admire his chest. I want to > admire his rump. I want to worship his salivary glands. I want to > adore his ear. I want to admire his virtue. I want to adore his penis. > I want to adore his morality. I want to kiss his forearm. I want to > admire his little finger. I want to adore his toe. I want to kiss his > mind. I want to admire his thigh. I want to worship his arm. I want > to worship his shinbone. I want to worship his neutron. I want to > worship his spirit. I want to admire his ribs. I want to worship his > private region. I want to worship his spleen. I want to adore his > bowels. I want to kiss his scorpion. I want to kiss his toe. I want > to worship his stomach. I want to admire his salivary glands. I want > to admire his ear. I want to kiss his lips. I want to kiss his virtue. > I want to worship his finger. I want to kiss his mind. I want to > admire his cheeks. I want to adore his spirit. I want to admire his > arm. I want to worship his tonsils. I want to admire his personal > region. I want to worship his raisin. I want to worship his personal > region. I want to worship his cheeks. I want to worship his ear. I > want to worship his shanks. I want to admire his bowels. I want to > admire his chest. I want to kiss his shoulder. I want to kiss his > spirit. I want to admire his stomach. I want to admire his flesh. I > want to worship his leg. I want to worship his morality. I want to > kiss his bowels. I want to kiss his shanks. I want to adore his head. > I want to admire his gall bladder. I want to adore his virtue. I want > to worship his leg. I want to kiss his hand. I want to admire his > mouth. I want to adore his salivary glands. I want to worship his > tongue. I want to admire his arm. I want to admire his kneecap. I > want to worship his forearm. I want to admire his liver. I want to > worship his cheeks. I want to kiss his elbow. I want to admire his > shoulder. I want to admire his ankle. I want to worship his ear. I > want to kiss his thigh. > > How should I go about doing it? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Although this is most peculiar behavior, I think that you'd be } doing the country a service if you did all that in the following manner: } } Go to a local hobby shop or scientific supply store and buy a } dissection kit. Then, get Danny-boy alone somewhere and knock him over } the head with a heavy object (I leave the bluntness up to you). Drag } him to your place, get out your dissection kit, and live out all your } fantasies. You get what you want and everyone else gets rid of } something they never wanted but got stuck with. } } The omniscient oracle hopes you have been enlightened. --- 85-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My vibrator's batteries are dead! What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You could go out to your local supermarket or convenience store and buy } replacement batteries. Most vibrators use C-size 1.5 volt flashlight } cells; some purse models use AAA- or AA-size penlight cells, and some } large models use D-size batteries. Here's how to tell: } } Size of vibrator by Batteries } effect s(t)imulated required } ------------------- ---------- } is it in yet? one AAA } could you put it in one AA } a bit deeper? } yawn..... two AA's } oh, that's nice one C } oh, that's very nice two C's } OH, that's VERY uh.. one D } OHH!!!!!!!! two D's } Ahhhhhhh...... four D's } } Be sure to buy alkaline for lasting potency. --- 85-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I so obsessed with brassieres? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, my lad, it's not brassieres you're obsessed with, it's what they } hold. You see, a brassiere is a treasure chest which contains another } chest, which hopefully will contain a heart of gold which will let you } hold the other chest. I hope this helps. } } You owe the oracle two tits.