From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 10 23:18:42 1989
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: Stephen Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #79
Message-ID: <31237@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Dec 89 04:18:42 GMT
Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

=== 79 ===================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #79
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 11 Dec 89 04:18:42 GMT

To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
    oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu    or    {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine.  Back postings
are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192)
in the directory pub/oracle.
Disclaimer:  You think *I* write all these?  Hah!

--- 79-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Hey, I really need a paragraph or two on "A Streetcar named Desire"....

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hey, like, no problem, Senator!
}
} Charles Darwin's masterpiece "A Streetcar Named Desire" is an
} elaboration of his earlier short story "A Streaker Named Desire",
} published in _Ladies' Home Journal_ in 1643 under the pseudonym "Baby
} Doc Duvalier".  In this book, he introduced the second of his three
} great theories on the interaction of democracy and dictatorship in
} sub-Saharan Norway during the nineteenth century.  James Bond was
} fascinated with this theory, and decided to put it into practice during
} his tenure as the Archdruid of T'ang Dynasty China in 835 A.D..  As is
} well known, he failed, and shortly afterwards Paris became part of
} Cairo.
}
} Internally, the structure of "A Structure Named Desire" has several
} interesting internal structural structures.  The almost Classical
} symmetry of the repeated insult contests between Blanche and Manny
} mirrors the decline and eventual destruction of Shostakovich's famous
} Fifth Symphony.  The structure of the structural elements of Blanche's
} decline and eventual destructuration mirror the vaguely Classical
} symmetry of Greek tragedy.  One can hardly help but be struck by the
} structure of the struts and the strumpets (examined under a strobe
} light) of the Streetcar.
}
} You owe me some more LSD, Senator.  This tab's running out.

--- 79-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Harp!  What light o'er yonder hilltop breaks?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Just the electromagnetic pulse of a little atomic bomb that'll start
} Armageddon.  It broke the hilltop.
}
} You owe the Oracle the screenplay to "Duck and Cover!"

--- 79-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> When is life like belly button lint?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Some people have it (those with "innies"; the alive),
}   some people don't (those with "outties"; the dead).
} Some people think about it regularly (hygienists; philosophers),
}   some people don't (slobs; business majors).
} Some people get a thrill from it (navel lint fetishists; optimists),
}   some people don't (the neurotically immaculate; pessimists).
}
} You owe the Oracle your girlfriend's navel lint.

--- 79-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I want money!  How can I get it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}  So,you want money,do ya?Here's one easy way:
}
}      It's the new,improved,whiter than white:
}    Start-your-own-PTL-ministry-and-con-innocent-people
}     of-their-hard-earned-cash kit!!The kit contains:
}  One suit (dark blue),one tie (plaid green),a cross tie pin,
} a pound and a half of hair gel (good for one use only),one ugly as sin
} (sin,get it?) woman (sorry,deluxe model only),and 14 pounds of mascara
} (which,by the way,is for one use only,also).Act now,and we'll throw in
} absolutely un-free:a church choir,a set of TV cameras,a press agent,a
} lawyer,and a jacuzzi for your new cell.BUT WAIT!There's more!Also
} included:a prostitute and a set of Ginsu knives!There's still more!!
} Also:A dog-house air conditioner,and a 400-acre lot good for one PTL
} amusement park!How much would you expect to pay for this all!?!?
}  $400.00? NOPE! $600.00? NO WAY! $1000.00? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!
} It's only $20,000!!!(You need money to make money,after all!)The first
} lucky 3 1/2 callers will also receive money good for bribing the judge!!
}  To order call:1-800-555-RIPOFF!!If you are not delighted,tough noogies!
}  (This also comes in Congressman model.)
} Any questions?

--- 79-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle, most oracle-like and emaileous:
>
> Why do I have to keep answering questions for you?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Look. Read the file, mon....
} This is a pyramid setup, ya know, mon?
} I'm the oracle, and people like you are working under me...
} but what you don't dig is that YOU can do the same thing!
} Forward the mail off to some bloke in wyoming and tell HIM to answer.
} make your OWN pyramid, get enough people, you can become a high priest
} of the oracle and move in to the temple for the rest of your life.  (All
} right, the operators will probably NOT let you sit on the floor of the
} computer room wearing a white robe, but maybe the dorms)
}
} Any other stupid questions?

--- 79-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>  What IS that thing?!?!?!?!

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, that?  Uh, well, it's nothing, really.  I mean, it's not mine; I
} just borrowed it from my cousin.  Anyway, lots of people use them
} nowadays.  These *are* the eighties, you know.  I'll put it away if it
} really bothers you, though.
}
} You owe the Oracle another one.

--- 79-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why is pi^2 so close to 10, the base of our numbering system?  Is that
> just a coincidence, or is there some deeper meaning behind it?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Pi is the ratio between the circumference of a circle and its radius.
} Ten is the number of fingers we have.
} They're related only if you form a circle with your fingers.
}
} You owe the Oracle a link between male masturbation and induction
} coil excitation.

--- 79-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why the hell am I going to college?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Another call to Hell. <sigh>
}
} [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@.  ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...]
}
} Hell Operator: Look, you slime turd, this is Hell.  Whaddya want, oat-
}   meal face?
}
} Oracle:  Academic Enrollment Information, please.
}
} HO: You want to  enroll in Hell!!!!  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
}     We'll be glad to have you!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
}
} [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...]
}
} Admissiel: Hell U. Admissions, please hold.
}
} [musak ... musak ... I scream ... more musak ... I nearly faint ...]
}
} A: Thank you for holding, sir.  As you may know, very few people are
}    qualified to enter Hell U.  We percieve that you are a marginal case.
}    We can recommend a variety of remedial courses which, though they
}    would not give you a certain chance of entering Hell U, would greatly
}    improve your standing.  For one of your intellectual temperment, I
}    would recommend a course of study in Fundamentalist preaching, or
}    perhaps Creation Science.
}
} O: Please tell me the reason that xxxx@xxxx.xx.xxxxxxxxx.xxx is en-
}    rolled.
}
} A: Perhaps you are unaware of the advantages of Hell U. as an academic
}    institution!  First, we have many of the greatest teachers of all
}    times.  The instructor in Literature of the Italian Renaissance is
}    Savonarola; Chairman Mao is teaching Appreciation of the Arts, Dr.
}    John Morris of the Institute for Creation Research to teach biology,
}    and so forth.
}
}    Second, University of Hell include most of the world's greatest
}    political and business leaders: Nixon, Reagan, Marcos, Noriega,}
}    Stalin, Hitler, and so on to name only a few.  Our graduates get
}    contact with the present, past, and future great men of the world.
}
}    Third, our unique educational facilities greatly enhance our edu-
}    cational process.  You *never* forget anything, once you have learned
}    it in Hell!  Ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  Never!  You slimy hunk of
}    worm-eaten badger bladder!
}
}    Excuse me.  Forgive my sudden burst of entheusiasm.  I should also
}    mention our extensive libraries, our spatious grounds (no matter
}    how many people are on campus, there's always room for more).
}    Our climate is another attractive feature.  Most of the campus is
}    warmer than even Hawaii or California.  However, there are parts of
}    it which are much cooler, giving opportunities for winter sports
}    such as skiing and skating.  There are a variety of rivers and
}    forests in easy walking distance as well.
}
}    In summary, you should strongly consider applying to Hell because of
}    the superb educational opportunities here, and the impact that it
}    will have on your future career.
}
}    And best of all, we don't ask for *any* financial contributions from
}    alumni!  All we ask for their support is their spirit!
}
} O: Thank you.
}
} A: You're welcome, sir.  We hope to see you here yourself, and we hope
}    you stay a *long* time.  Ha!  ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
}    ha ha!  We'll fill your liver with
} <click>
}
}
} You owe the Oracle the long-distance phone charges, and the price of
} three extra-strength aspirins.

--- 79-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Should Descartes be shut in a box and shown off at circuses?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Actually, a Descartes-in-a-box would go better in a Senor Wenselas
} routine.
}
} W:  "I think?"
} D:  "I am."
} W:  "S'allright?"
} D:  "S'allright?"
} W:  "Close de box?"
} D:  "Close de box!"
} W:  "S'Okay?"
} D:  "S'allright!!"

--- 79-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why does my haiku always come out like this?
>
> Crosscut betrothal,                   Bumblebee skinful,
> Fiddling someplace retrocede,         Cowrie instigate burnsides,
> Tetherball speedway.                  Locker diaphragm.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The mind barely thinks.
} The emotions are flaccid.
} Perhaps drink less gin.