From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 10 15:13:31 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #78 Message-ID: <31223@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 10 Dec 89 20:13:31 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 78 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #78 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 10 Dec 89 20:13:31 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 78-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Mare's eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid'll > eat ivy, too, won't you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Isn't that "wouldn't you?" } } That's okay. It's a cool song. } } I wouldn't eat ivy if given a choice. Sorry. } } You owe the oracle the lyrics to "Moonlight Bay." --- 78-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, I do indeed think electronic invisible ink is a good idea. All you } need to do is invent one of those little pens to rub across it to make } it show up. Good luck! --- 78-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > HOW DO i GET RID OF ALL THESE CAPITAL LETTERS? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Press the "Caps Lock" key, JUST ONCE LIKE THAT. } } You owe the oracle a Dvorak keyboard. } } PS, DON'T SHOUT! --- 78-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can a computer get stoned? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Yes, but it takes two or three tabs of high-quality LCD. --- 78-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is full of eels? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Ernie the Eel-swallower. } } "There's something about eeling, } It gives me such a feeling, } It just leaves me reeling, } Oh, the art of eeling." } } You owe the oracle a decent singing voice. --- 78-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A mortal's curiosity begs a question from the all-seeing Oracle: Are > you related to Ann Landers or Abigail Van Buren? Are they Oracles too? > If so, do you guys ever get together and go out and do things, or > recollect over old times? And how come you don't mail out little > booklets like "Everything you need to know about Teen Sex"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Abby van Buren is my great-uncle's stepsister, but it's not worth } mentioning. Ann Landers is too surreal to be a relative of anyone, much } less of me. I rarely have anything to do with either of them. I mail } out booklets about: } - How to order little Oracle booklets } - Where to find lost objects } - The best and worst restaurants in New Yrok Sity } - How to recognize the signs of beet addiction } - Guide to Soap Operas about Badgers } - When your goldfish is not getting enough sex: crisis in a fishbowl } - How to grow marijuana in Petri dishes } - Angst, Free-Floating Anxiety, Depression, and Other Good Christmas } Presents } - Seven Last Words of Dan Quayle --- 78-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O, Most Oracle-Like Unit of Existance, > O, Most All-Knowing of Pundits, > O, Most High and Interesting One, > O, Originator of Poetry and Pummeler of Idiots, > Tell Me This: > > If the Oracle is all-knowing, > Why do you take so long to answer my questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mens longa, maila brevis } } (The mind is enduring, but the mail daemon is down pretty often.) } } You owe the Oracle the first day of spring. --- 78-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where the hell did I put my keys? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Let me check. } } [Dial 1-212-*!&-~|&@. ring ... ring ... ri] } } Hell Operator: yeah, mucus pod, whaddya want? } } Oracle: Lost and Found, please } } HO: You'll never find it! It's gone forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'll } connect you, eel face, and I'll listen in just for giggles! hee hee hee } hee! } } [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ... ] } } Barfiel: Division of Lost Souls, Barfiel speaking, how may we ... er } ... assist you? } } O: The Hell Operator has screwed up. I was asking for Lost+Found. } } B: Aieeee! The Hell Operator!!! I kill the Hell Operator!!!! very } soon!! much agony!!!!!!! But now I transfer you, fool of a mortal!! } Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! } } [ring ... ring ... ring ... ring ...] } } Kazusnutiel: Lost and Found, what may I lose for you? } } O: Where are xxxxxxx@xxxx.xxxx.xx.xxx's keys? } } K: Keys! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That pitiful worm should be } *glad* that all we have are his keys! We'll get his soul soon, just you } wait and see! Ha ha ha haha ha haha ha haha ha ha! And we'll *never* } let it go! It'll stew in our waiting room forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha } ha ha ha ha! } } O: Just tell me where the keys are, please. } } K: He'll *never* find them! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Never, } never! We took those keys and tore them to little bitty shreds and } scattered them in the river of pitch of the fifth Bolgia of Malebolge, } where the dead souls of grafters will fight endlessly over them! Ha ha } ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! } } O: No, you didn't. Where are they? } } K: Arrh! You loathly swine-wasp! All right! We took those keys and } froze them in the ice right next to the feet of Satan Merkratrig! } } O: No, you didn't. Where are they? } } K: All right, all right. Just you wait 'tlll *you* get lost, and we'll } see who believes who! They're in the slush of the third circle, under } the wraith of Luigi "Lotsa Bananas" Marcchatione, a petty mobster who } died of a surfeit of ice cream in 1933. I'll have them sent up to you } -- stinking of the slush of Hell, damn you! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha } ha! } } O: Thank you for your kind assistance. } } K: Take your thanks and cram them up your throat, you stinking pool of } badger shit! } } [click] } } You owe the Oracle the long-distance phone charges. --- 78-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > It sure gets boring on the BITNET lists around Christmas. What's going > on? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } 'Tis the season to be merry } lah di dah di ha ha ha and hullabaloo! } Yo! What's up with pickled cherry? } lah di dah di poo boo bah and half a screw! } Send we now UNSUB to LISTSERV } lah di dah, lah di dah, VM2 } So that we can unscrub whiskers } lah di dah di dah di dah, oooh oooh ooooh. --- 78-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where ever I live my home quickly fills up with fishes. Last week I > move. Today I come home from church and I find thirty two sick trout on > my couch. Quick quick I put them in water, but still they die. Where > come from all these fishes? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is no doubt an attempt by Richard Sexton to convince you of the } necessity of reading sci.aquaria. He seems to feel that if you read } this group, you would know what to do with the fish. Your recommended } course of action is (1) inform Mr. Sexton how bogus sci.aquaria is or } (2) get use to having freshwater fish for dinner. } } A third but somewhat less desirable action is to convert your living } room into a huge aquarium. } } A fourth option is to stop going to church.