From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Dec 10 13:44:55 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #77 Message-ID: <31211@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 10 Dec 89 18:44:55 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu Keywords: offensive === 77 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #77 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 10 Dec 89 18:44:55 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 77-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what is the optimal size for tits? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Abraham Lincoln was a tall man. Once some wag asked him how long a } man's legs should be. He answered "Long enough to reach the ground." } } The same answer goes for tits. --- 77-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I recently heard "Jesus saves... but Greztky gets the rebound! He > shoots! He scores!" Did Jesus invent hockey? And if so, why isn't it > the main sport of Jerusalem? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jesus was an ardent hockey player. (He spent several years in Canada } before returning to Jerusalem.) The real reason that he learned to walk } on water was that there were no hockey rinks in the Middle East, and he } still wanted to play. He couldn't find any suitable players on Earth -- } nodoby else could walk on water -- so he ascended into Heaven. (No ice } hockey there, but plenty of three-dimensional cloud hockey.) His } disciples, following his footsteps into the Sea of Galilee, invented } water polo. --- 77-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am chewing a stick of almond-flavored gum. I have been chewing it for > three days now. I do not like the taste. I do not like the texture. I > do to like chewing gum in my sleep. I cannot stop chewing this gum. > Whenever I try to take it out of my mouth I find myself masturbating to > climax instead. It was kind of exciting the first time but I'm sick of > it now. What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Go home, lie down, call girlfriend, have her remove the gum and pet you } to climax. She can look after you and throw the gum away too. } } In future, stick to a security blanket. } } You owe the Oracle a woman. --- 77-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great one, > > Why do packages that vibrators come in state "Just like the real thing". > I don't know of any dick that takes 20 D cell batteries. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For the very same reason that all advertisements for vibrators in } magazines such as "Ladies Home Journal"(tm) or "Good Housekeeping"(tm) } show a woman holding the above mentioned object to her cheek, (Read: } area located near or about the face). If they showed you the real } thing, your sister would gag and your mom would sure as hell not leave } it on the coffee table. } } Since the Oracle can, and often does, enter the bodies of women. I can } attest that they think the penis looks gross, or at best goofy. They do } not "say" this as such, because of the fragile male ego. I did say they } do not like its looks, they do however love its function. } } Sigmund Freud once stated that the only real question is "What does a } women really want". The answer is, all the functionality without the } (ahem), "look and feel". Of course, any further discussion is purely } philosophical. If you could detach the male penis, with no adverse side } effects to performance, of course, you would find the little guy with a } full dance card every night. And of course, if the male organ could be } altered to look like smooth plastic with a gentle slope near the tip and } a quiet but insistent hum, you would find more males with less sexual } frustration, but not a popular as example number one. } } You owe the Oracle a tube of KY and a copy of "Moist" magazine. --- 77-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do you know who I am? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Not only do I know who you are, but I also know where you are, what you } are, how old you are, your embarrassing experiences with your last } lover, your almost successful revolt against toilet training, and why } all of the sheep in a thirty mile radius around your house get nervous } when you walk by. I know so much about you it's making me sick. Excuse } me. } } You owe the Oracle two tablets of Dramamine and a barf bag. It would } also be nice of you if you could help clean up this mess. Yuk. --- 77-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a good way to start a conversation with a woman you think is > nice who is, say, eating at the same table in a crowded restaurant with > you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Very slowly, stand up, unzip your fly and say, "Have you met my friend } Milton?" --- 77-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is my fuz purple? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because your boyfriend got you very drunk last night and dyed it. Don't } be too hard on him. It really turns him on. --- 77-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh mighty father of all, tell me why I can't orgasm. I'm a guy, but I > can't come. I can make love for hours and hours until the lady I'm with > finally screams for mercy but still I am unsatisfied. Many of my > intimate partners have told me to become a prostitute, but I am afraid > of getting v.d. What shall I do. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because the condom you made in metal shop isn't totally effective. } Sure, it makes you as safe as a neuter, and it give the girl an } incredible turn-on, but it pretty much blocks out all sensitivity for } you. Try rubber condoms. You can't use them over and over, but at } least you'll come. And then modify your steel sheath and add a vibrator } to it for added fun. } } You owe the Oracle a piece of 8 --- 77-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm a grad student. Last Friday, the professor I work under and I went > out partying. The next morning, he claimed that he transcended the > time-space continuum, but all we did was get drunk in a topless bar. > How can I convince him of the truth? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Give him the bar bill and carefully explain that you don't drink vodka } martinis. Prove that he does and point out the number of vodka martinis } on the bill. Finally, show him the girl that he picked up that night } (actually a undergraduate nursing student) and have him examine the } bruises he gave her. } } If these two pieces of evidence don't convince him, explain that even } transcending the space-time continuum would not give him a hangover as } bad as the one he has now. } } You owe the oracle the phone number of the nursing student. --- 77-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Tell me about Captain Picard... Is he 'Doing the nasty' with > 1) The queue > 2) Riker > 3) Wes > 4) All of the above? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } None of the above. It's Data that's getting the captain's input. } Remember the "sex with mechanical assistance" scene in "Heavy Metal"?