From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sat Dec 9 13:15:58 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #76 Message-ID: <31172@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 9 Dec 89 18:15:58 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 76 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #76 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 9 Dec 89 18:15:58 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 76-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are matrixes good for? ?Andy why is is it so funny to multiply > them? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Congratulations, Andy, you have STUMPED THE ORACLE!! Your prize } package, consisting of one-half of the items received in payment for } previous answers, will be delivered to you via US Snail. Expect to see } it, oh, sooner or later. Once again, my heartiest congratulations!! } } (Let me remind all contestants that no question may be used twice in } this contest. Therefore, I ask you to add this question to your list of } "questions without answers", this one should be #83. If you don't have } the list, it is available via ftp from oravax.cs.athens.edu.) --- 76-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where was you during the first two weeks in November and why didn't you > get my other questions? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Although the oracle is all-knowing he cannot always receive your } messages due to line failures between here and your host. Your messages } were lost in the mail. } } I knew what your questions were but they have to be submitted to me by } the strict protocol set up by my acolytes at iuvax. This keeps me from } having to answer EVERY question everyone has. By being explicit by } sending the mail, having it translated by the programs here, and having } your question printed on 24lb bond paper on my laser printer (since I } have trouble reading these blasted tiny screens) you are assured of an } accurate and trouble-free response. } } Besides, those questions were given to underlings as they were fairly } simple. } } Question #1: "What do I do with gonads and what are they for." } } Answer #1: "They are expressly for the propagation of species, use them } to increase your local population, but only if you can support the } offspring. Any other activity would be immoral and costly to society as } a whole." } } Question #2: "Seriously, what is sex like?" } } Answer #2: "There's a lot of sweating, grunting, cyclic movement, and } then a bright light." } } Question #3: "Can you be more specific?" } } Answer #3: "Yes." } } So you should be happy now. I abridged the protocol and answered you } questions even though they were caught up and lost in a networking test } at MIT. } } Have a nice day. } } This has been a recording. } } You owe the oracle a VSAT network. --- 76-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you've ever played hack (who hasn't?) you've noticed those nasty > nymphs who keep teleporting aroound the dungeon, walking up to you and > seducing you with their good looks, then robbing you blind and leaving > you there, looking like a fool. > > A strange thing is that even if you've explicit told the computer your > player is a woman (by setting the FEMALE flag), she still will be > seduced by the nymphs. > > Does this mean that all female hack players are lesbians? (Male nymphs > sounds like a contradiction). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The nymphs ARE male, in the Monty Python sense. They dress up as cute } guys to seduce the women. I think there was a movie about this once. I } believe your character has to be male, then set the CASTRATE flag, and } the nymphs should leave you alone. --- 76-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I overcome my fear of Rosanne Barr? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You CAN'T! SHE IS EVERYWHERE. Rosanne Barr is the inverse of Lisa, our } net.sex.goddess. Rosanne Barr is our net.sexless.nogoddess. --- 76-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Oracle, most Oracle-like and wise, > > Why is life confusing? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Life is not confusing, my child. It comes with instructions. Trust me, } I and Mrs. Oracle were playing Life just the other evening. Oh, I } admit, some of the squares are a tad silly, like 'buying a skunk farm,' } but, hey, with Milton Bradleys money I suppose that he can put whatever } he wishes in those squares. } } Don't tell Mrs. Oracle, but I rigged the spinner so that I'm always a } Doctor. --- 76-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do girls wear a *pair* of panties but only *one* bra? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because most girls have two groins but only one breast. How dumb can } you get? --- 76-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } That is that which is not that which is not. --- 76-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which are the most important news groups? I haven't got time to read > all of them. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } rec.misc } rec.humor.d (all subjects "Usenet Oracle") } rec.arts.sex } rec.arts.picasso } sci.sensuality } sci.spacebar } sci.oracle } comp.sources } comp.sys.iuvax } rec.humor } rec.humor.funny } talk.bizarre } talk.oracle.acolytes } net.sex.goddess } nj.pollution } } and our favorite } } rec.humor.oracle } } You owe the oracle a uucp clone. --- 76-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Most revered of deities, I humbly ask for your guidance in my dilemma. > My question is this: How do I know if my question is worthy of your > pondering? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should, of course, ask a reliable source. I am the most reliable } source for this matter. So, you should ask "Is the question `...' worth } pondering?" Of course, this is not always a worthy question, so ... --- 76-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I lived my life over again, would I still be a neurotic anorexic > ballet dancer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It all depends on the path you choose. Perhaps you will have sex } earlier in life next time and avoid the confidence problems that made } you anorexic. } } Perhaps you will no longer feel the need for grace and precision and } avoid taking ballet lessons. } } Perhaps you will never hear of the oracle and won't be neurotic! } } You owe the oracle an alternate reality.