From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 8 14:10:56 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #75 Message-ID: <31111@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 8 Dec 89 19:10:56 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 75 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #75 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 8 Dec 89 19:10:56 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. Disclaimer: You think *I* write all these? Hah! --- 75-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > who is responsible for this atrocity? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Naturally, I assume you are referring the fact that Grape Nuts (tm) } absorb twelve times their own weight in milk. I humbly apologize if you } do not appreciate this safety feature which I specifically designed into } the cereal. Suppose you were to fix yourself a nice bowl of Grape Nuts, } then the phone rang. While you are away, an earthquake hits, upsetting } your kitchen table, and also your nutritious breakfast. Had you been } eating any other cereal, your floor would now be awash in milk, forcing } you to undertake a massive cleanup operation. But, thanks to the } absorbent properties of those initially crunchy Grape Nuts, the contents } of your bowl will remain in a nice, neat clump. I am currently working } on a way for the user to control the time delay before this absorbing } action begins. Currently, it is only 20 seconds. } } You owe the oracle a 20-pack of Chicken McNuggets, mustard sauce } preferred --- 75-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Deah suh: > Do you like movies with gladiators? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Deah suh: } } Y'all is possessed of the most disgustin' mahnd that I have evah had } the misfoahtune to encountah in mah entiiayah laahf. --- 75-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > sigh.. bored bored bored... GOD I'm bored... Nothing to do at all... > > Any suggestions? > > -bored (gee, you never THAT coming, huh?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Aha, so you're bored. Let's see, things that you can do: } } o Write a love letter to George Bush, mentioning that you want to have } his baby, [this one is especially good if you are male.] } } o Post to rec.humor asking what that "rot-13" means, and why those } posts look so silly. {Don't forget to mention that you love the Oracle } and want him around forever.} If you receive less than 250 flames, mail } again, but this time crosspost to rec.misc., comp.misc, and rec.humor.d. } Whatever you do, don't apologize for crossposting. It's there fault } for not sending you enough replies in the first place, right? } } o Ask your system administrator why *s/he* has more disk space than you } do. I mean, who does s/he think s/he is, anyway, right? } } o Take off all of your clothes and go visit your library. Go to the } counter and ask for the "Joy of Sex." Make sure to mention that you and } your SO were in the middle of things when you got into an arguement } about which position is more fun, only you need the manual to remember } how to do some of them. } } o Sign up for a class in 'Sign Language' and then show up the first day } wearing a Walkman. Don't forget to wear your tennies! } } o Watch a movie. Go see the new Back to the Future movie. Review it } on rec.arts.movies, just like everyone else on the net. } } } You owe the Oracle one year of your undivided attention. --- 75-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I really the only person who likes shoelaces to the point of > fixation? If not, is there a fan club I could contact? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Shoelace fetishism is really quite common . In fact, a recent survey } among CS students at a major university showed that 86 % had at least } once had a sexual fantasy involving shoelaces, 64 % occasionally used } shoelaces to enhance sexual experinces, 20 % were obsessed with them and } 2 % spent all their waking hours thinking of shoelaces. } } The Oracle also used to know a certain girl who got so turned on by shoe } laces that she made a shirt of shoelaces and wore it to class, without } anything under it. She got tremendous satisfaction out of this until } one day the guy behind her noticed a loose end and pulled... } } As for fan clubs, there is one at most campuses throughout the USA, for } example the Shoelace Appreciation Club (sigma alpha kappa) at Purdue. } The subject is also discussed in the newsgroup } Alt.sex.bestiality.shoelace --- 75-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How the hell did you get to be Oracle anyways?? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I went to the Oracular University where I got a meaningless piece of } paper that certified that I indeed did know everything (much to the } surprise of my parents and friends). Then I interned at various other } oracular presences, working on my presentation skills. Finally I } replied to a want ad in a particular Indiana newspaper that read: } } Wanted -- Oracle } Must be clean, neat, and tasteless. } Call LISA, 555-1248 } } You owe the oracle a yellow pages entry. --- 75-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When I was at primary school, some child psychologists came around and > made us all do lots of spelling test. After, they checked us to see > whether our left or right eye winked the best. What did they think they > were doing? I wink best with my right eye. What does this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This means you're a left brain flirt. --- 75-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Gosh darn it! Why do I burp whenever I see a pretty gurl? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your brain has a hardware fault. The nerve that is supposed to go to } your naughty bits is obviously connected to your stomach muscles as } well, or instead. Go back to your manufacturer for a refund. --- 75-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > (____) > -----------| oo | > /| \ / > / | | -- --- MOO! > * ||W-------|| > ~~ ~~ And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Good question! Next time he's fondling your "W", give him a good swift } kick to the head with your "~". } } You owe the Oracle an udderly fantastic steak. --- 75-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I a goldfish sitting in a tree? > Am I a molecule of ATP? > Am I a gator standing on a gate? > Am I allowed to be two hours late? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Said the whipporwill to the goldfish, sitting by the gate, } "Purple argyle sweaters--those are your fate." } Alas, I see, and behold from afar, } Molecules of ATP, DNA, and protein in a jar. } } The question of existance, you have posed to me, } Whether alligator, guinea pig, armadillo, or flea? } "Neither, nonce, shall ye be!" (The oracle, he spake) } "Take your silly mortal head, and drench it in a lake!" } } The truth of the matter, } (it should be plain to see) } Is that I am thou, } And thou art clearly me. } } Wondering why you asked? } } You owe the oracle an existential feeling of ennui, and two hours of our } time. --- 75-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since everything on the net seems to be called something with periods in > (e.g. net.bandwidth, net.czar, net.sex.goddess), why are you the Usenet > Oracle and not the usenet.oracle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } We're simply "oracle" because Usenet is too limiting. This link to the } Oracle is on Usenet, but that's not all we're confined to. We have } connections to the original Oracle at Delphi (who sat over lava cracks } and got high from the fumes and thus gave good answers), the Oracles in } China (who sit crosslegged and meditate to get the answers), and then } there's me, the Oracle annex at U.C. San Diego, who does bong tokes to } get the answers. I'll shroom for exceptionally difficult questions. } But not during finals week. } } You owe the Oracle something borrowed (my sister is getting married.)