From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Fri Dec 1 10:03:52 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #71 Message-ID: <30607@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 1 Dec 89 15:03:52 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 71 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #71 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 1 Dec 89 15:03:52 GMT To find out how to participate in the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to oracle-request on the same machine. Back postings are available via anonymous ftp on iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (129.79.254.192) in the directory pub/oracle. --- 71-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way to go about getting laid in Pittsburgh? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait. --- 71-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen if Anthony Meyer defeats Margaret Thatcher in the > leadership election? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Look here son, here I am in this gawd awful cave... damp rot seeping up } from the floor to my knee joints... the back of my Wimpy's duffle coat } as sodden as a discarded tampax in the gutter... can't even get a } decent slice of toast anywhere... and as for the price of Robertson's } lemmon curd... well you can't get it for love nor money. } } And then you come along and have the nerve to ask me questions about } English politics. I think that is insufferable that as Oracle I have to } ply my trade in this damp stench filled cave, and that you being fully } aware of my plight should be so inconsiderate as to ask me a foolish } question that in the light of eternity has no meaning what so ever. } } If you could fix me up with a duplex in lower Manhatten and provide me } two buckets of oysters, then I might give you question more } consideration. } } The only morsel that I can give you is to say that many women aspire to } act like men but very few of them act like gentlemen. This fits } Thatcher perfectly. I am also of the opinion that all matters political } should be decided in the boxing ring... naked. Put Marg and Anton in } the ring for a few rounds... hire Madison Square gardens for the } fight... sell tickets at $1000 a head... and may the best man win. } Politicians loose all credibility when they stand naked in a boxing ring } with those big red gloves on. } } You owe the Oracle a Strawberry/Cornish clotted cream/rye bread/sandwich } with a double portion or garlic on the side. --- 71-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Brooke Shields really a woman ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, it is a proprietary concrete product used for damming streams. --- 71-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is Dvorak's fifth symphony numbered 3? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Due to the precedent set by L. Von Beethoven, who wrote only 9 } symphonies and lost his hearing due to syphilis, symphonic composers } feared both proliferation and sexually transmitted diseases. Anton } Dvorak's awareness of his prowess, his ability to do it 11 times, knew } he would temp fate by pursuing satisfaction and therefore intialized his } Opus counter to -1. } } In Dvorak's own mind, we conjecture, he was practicing safe sextet. --- 71-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Oracle, what are the top 10 computer science grad schools? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } "From the home office in Madison, Wisconsin, we have the top ten CS } grad schools! Anton, a drum roll please... } } 10 - The Southwest Idaho School for Potential Introverts } } 9 - Central Kansas College of the Pathetic } } 8 - (G)eorgia (E)xtra (E)asy (K)ollege of the (S)ciences } } 7 - Silicon Valley U } } 6 - Minnesota } } 5 - Northern California Institute for the Depressingly Inept } } 4 - Bob's Sixty Minute Degree Shop on I-94 just north of Chicago } } 3 - East Texas School for the Irritatingly Dull } } 2 - Purdue } } And the number one CS grad school is... } } "Closing down 'cuz there are too many of them in 2 through 9!!!" } } {Canned Applause, the band playing 'Tequilla'} --- 71-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ORACLE MOST WISE TELL ME WHAT IS A YET? I READ IN THE PAPER THAT A GIRL > WAS SHOT AND THIS MORNING THE BULLET WAS IN HER YET. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you don't know what a girl's yet is then you're in sad shape buster. } Everyone knows a girl's yet is between her besides. --- 71-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm going to Japan for a couple of weeks. I've heard that they are very > formal there, that etiquette is very important. I've also heard that > they like things and people to be uniform and orderly. Can you give me > pointers on what and what not to do? (By the way, it will be very > difficult for me to look uniform, I'm a guy with really long hair and I > shave the sides of my head) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } When visiting Japan, do not: } 1. Use chop sticks unless you are experienced. } 2. Refer to the local police chief as "Hong Kong Fuey". } 3. Mention Pearl Harbor. } 4. Try to find a Chinese restaurant. } 5. Let your hair dangle in the Teriaki sauce. } } Alternatively, pretend you are rock star. --- 71-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What was the best thing to come out of the Eighties? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } With such a culturally enriching decade as the 80s, the Oracle has great } difficulty making up its mind as to its greatest contribution to } mankind. But difficulty cannot deter the great wisdom of the Oracle, } and thus the answer is: } } Undoubtedly, the Rubik's Cube. } } You owe the oracle a lava lamp, a pet rock and a racoon hat. --- 71-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great Oracle, why is it that my great prowess with a computer fails > to impress women and land me the babes I so obviously deserve? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because women are not physically interested in prowess with a computer. } They are interested in prowess with something else whose blood supply is } cut off by extended use of a computer. --- 71-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If a friend of mine owns Piranhas and runs around campus naked, should I > be worried about him? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This morning I received a msg. } } > Dear oracle, a friend of mine is continuously busy with his computer. } > He doesn't even react to such fun things as running around campus } > naked. What can I do to prevent him from becoming one of those } > computer-addepted-dickheads as there allready are so much around } > here ? BTW: what's the best thing to feed to phyranas in summer ? } } So you may call yourself lucky that you have a friend like that one } who's so concerned about you. Get away from that terminal and try to } have some real fun. Start gradually: run around naked in the computer } room, then try to run around campus and you may even arrive to the } ultimate pleasure: running the marathon naked.