From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 27 19:33:49 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #68 Message-ID: <30352@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 28 Nov 89 00:33:49 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 68 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #68 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 28 Nov 89 00:33:49 GMT *** T. M., buy me a round-trip ticket to Hawaii and, sure, I'll go out on *** a date with you To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 68-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the difference between like and love? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Water content. } "Like" is usually quite a bit less wet than "love", but not quite as } interesting --- 68-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ,wollef ythgiM ,elcarO iH > ?rorrim eht fo edis taht sgniht era woH And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Don't do it again! The Oracle. } } i deretne I !!teseR !pool a ni deretne I !!teseR } !pool a ni deretne I !!teseR !pool a ni deretne I } !!srorrim lellarap ni deppart era eW .yllautca } doog toN ...noitseuq ruoy tuoba tcelfer ot evah I --- 68-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What are the words to the "official" Purdue anti- fight song? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They're a trifle bombastic, but here they are: } (Don't ask me for the tune; it's a real mess.) } } Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory, } Glory, power, and Purdue! } Oh, Purdue, I praise thy glory and deep historical significance! } Glory, power and Purdue! } Wow, Purdue, take the ball unto yourself! } Wow, Purdue, run like perdition with the ball! } The glory of Purdue shines like the sun and the moon! } The glory of Purdue shines like the sound of this tune! } Wow, Purdue, let thy careening course not be stayed! } Wow, Purdue, 'till that touchdown be made! } Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school! } } Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory, } Glory, power and Purdue! } Oh, Purdue, I praise thy wide and splendid campus which is vastly } superior to the Bloomington campus of I.U.! } Glory, power, and Purdue! } Wow, Purdue, slam the foemen over the heads with large mallets made } of pure maple syrup and frozen herring! } Wow, Purdue, stab the foemen through and through with the finest } rapier collection in the whole state of Indiana! } The glory of Purdue is a marvellous thing! } The glory of Purdue, where the wheat-fields sing! } Wow, Purdue, soon the opposing team will be as confused, } Wow, Purdue, as if thou had flung a myriad of grenados and the shots } of arquebusses towards them like the all-consuming thunder- } bolt of Jupiter himself, great King of the Gods! } Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school! } } Oy veh, Purdue, thou art awash in glory, } Glory, power, and Purdue! } Oh Purdue, I praise thy extensive and quite amazing academic facilities! } Glory, power, and Purdue! } Wow, Purdue, hurl yon leather spheroid unto regions celestial! } Wow, Purdue, inspire the alumni to contribute vast quantities of lucre! } The glory of Purdue is totally amazing! } The glory of Purdue, like the cattle a-grazing! } Wow, Purdue, soon they will be making vast donations and gifts to re- } build the sadly diminished but still quite powerful endowment! } Wow, Purdue, soon they will be shelling out enough bucks to support the } football team for yet another semester! } Wow, Purdue, if thou art successful, there will be another season, } aye, another season even unto the aeons of aeternity! } Wow, Purdue, thou art like a totally amazing school! --- 68-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the meaning of life? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Life is just a fatal, sexually transmitted disease. --- 68-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > As I thought. Seeing as the Oracle can't even spell, I would detect the > slightest hint of a teensey weensey hoax! And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracularity that can be spelled wrong is not the true Oracularity. } } You owe the Oracle one hand clapping. --- 68-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How can I tell if my cucumber is a koala bear in disguise? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The ways are many and varied, and the truely wise know them all. Below } is a small sample, if you want more please send for my information } leaflet #1375KnotCuc-1-a/4 "How to tell a koala from a cucumber" (just } $5.95 plus handling) } } 1) Don't feed it eucalyptus leaves for a week. If it dies, it was a } koala. } 2) Is it furry - if yes, it is either a koala or a very old cucumber. } 3) Does it squeal when swung around the room - if no it is either a } cucmber or a dead koala (but see 1) } 4) Is it green? If yes, it is either a cucumber or a sick koala } 5) Does it taste good raw with salmon? If yes, it is probably a cucumber } 6) Does it bite back when tasted - if yes it is probably a koala bear } (or a very fresh cucumber) } 7) Use a biological key - if it says it is a small furry animal it is } probably a koala, if it says it is a small green vegetable it is } probably a cucmber. } } Praise be to the all-knowing oracle. --- 68-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I keep liquefying. can youu help e wi /. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No problem. You just have to collect yourself into a container of some } sort, add forty kilos of flour, three cups of sugar and a piece of } yeast. Stir while waiting three hours. Bake at 225 degrees centigrade. } After this you should have no more problems with liquefying. --- 68-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I blew my nose too hard, and my eyes were sucked into my sinus cavities. > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This is an unusual problem indeed....as the cases I usually encounter } involve the eyes being blown OUT of the head instead of INTO the } sinuses. I would suggest trying a small phillips head screwdriver, or } if that doesn't work, a few drops of nitro-glycerine in the nostrils and } a good punch in the nose should do the trick. --- 68-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am organizing an equal rights movement and need to know some of the > opposition's opinions. Please reveal to me why the designers of the > Zenith keyboard set the ESC key aside as an outcast and didn't put it > next to any other keys? I think this is unfair and should be stopped. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many feel that the ESC key is dangerous and should not be allowed to } reside near the other keys. } However this seperation can also be looked at in a different light. } The ESC key is thought by many to be a special key that should have a } place of it's own. } You can see what a delimma this creates, and it is obvious why the } pro-choice demonstraters are raising such a ruckus. } You owe the Oracle a picket line. --- 68-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do those "subliminal self-help" tapes work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Hmmm. This is an interesting fnord theory, but to tell you the truth I } can't see any savetheleap reason to think tha } } ---SYSTEM OVERRIDE } } Warning: entering Mickey Spillane mode } } It was a question, just like many I'd seen before. Throw in a few } out-of- place words like "fnord" and "savetheleap", perhaps a request } for the asker's first-born child, and I'd have them eating out of my } hand. It was so easy. } } That was it. It was easy. TOO easy. They WANTED me to do that. And } they I'd do it, because it would be funny. But THEY would get to be the } creative ones, and I, I would look like a stooge. } } So the rest was easy. Just hop on down to Joe's bar and talk with the } hooker du jour. Then get shanghaied to New York, where I convince CBS } to bring back Mike Hammer. Then watch everybody but me get murdered, an } } ---OVERRIDE CANCELLED } } returning to normal operation } } Ahem. Yes. Where was I? Oh yes, those subliminal tapes. Well, I look } at it this way: } } YOU OWE THE ORACLE $5,000. FAILURE TO PAY WILL CAUSE UNSPEAKABLE CURSES } TO RAIN DOWN UPON YOU, YOUR CURRENT BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/HUSBAND/WIFE/ } SIGNIFICANT OTHER, AND YOUR PET. OF THE FIRST CURSE I CAN ONLY SAY IT } INVOLVES THE FBI, THE CIA, AND...THE IRS. } } Subliminal messages? Who needs them?