From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Sun Nov 19 12:06:18 1989
Path: iuvax!kinzler
From: Stephen Kinzler <kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Usenet Oracularities #61
Message-ID: <29969@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Nov 89 17:06:18 GMT
Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

=== 61 ===================================================================
Title: Usenet Oracularities #61
Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>
Date: 19 Nov 89 17:06:18 GMT

To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to:
        oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or      {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the word "help" in the subject line.  To receive these postings via
mail, send mail to:
        oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

--- 61-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I have been told that God knows everything.
> I have been told that Satan is the root of all evil.
> God created Satan.
> This makes God the creator of all evil.
>
> Oh great wise and omnipotent Oracle, I have but one question for
> which I seek the holy truth:
>
> Why do some many people blindly worship such an evil Christian God?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} O dear mortal, when will you learn?
}
} How can you appreciate good without evil?
} How can you appreciate summer without winter?
} How can you appreciate life without death?
} How can you appreciate good humor without the Oracle?
} How can...hey, what are y
}
} [sounds of struggle]
}
} Sorry.  He sometimes gets on the line while I'm on lunch.
} Let me assure you, dear mortal, that I am, in fact, the true Oracle.
} Now then, how can you appreciate good humor without t...hey!
}
} [sounds of struggle again]
}
} Terribly sorry.  Sometimes the patients from the mental ward escape
} and they have a way of making their way over here.  Anyway, just to
} dispel any doubt as to the fact that I am, in fact, the true Oracle,
} allow me to show you my Oracle's license.  There.  Now then,
} How can you appreciate good humfdsgfgdh
}
} [sounds of further struggling]
}
} Sorry about all this.  This is just a test I sometimes run to monitor
} your reaction to unusual statements made by entities you perceive to
} be the Oracle.  Let's proceed.
}
} Now, you've got her legs on the mantelpiece, you...
}
} [guess]
}
} Bloody British types!  Plagarizing Monty Python no less!
}
} Sorry about all...
}
} >interrupt<
}
} Hello, you have reached the terminal of the one, the only, the
} omniscient Oracle.  I am not, however, omnipresent at the moment,
} but if you would leave your name, BITNET address, and question at
} the sound of the beep, I will get back to you as soon as divinely
} possible.  Naturally, if you have recieved any messages prior to
} this recording, please ignore them.  Escapees from Tau Ceti Bellvue,
} and all that.  And one more thing.  Consider this:  How can you
} appreciate quality humor without something to contrast it to, such
} as the Or...
}
} BEEP!!
}
} You owe the Oracle a better lock on the terminal room door.

--- 61-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I was watching Jeopardy the other night and heard the following answer
> but missed the question.  I have been trying to figure it out ever
> since.  Can you help?
>     The answer is: Bananas and Clam Dip.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle provides answers, not questions.  That's why It's never
} appeared on Jeopardy.

--- 61-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

>         The question is, does calculus really exist, or is all just
> fictional ideas base on theoretical information?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Calculus, my child, is the Beginning and it is the End.  It is the
} Reason, the Truth, and The Stains in Your Shorts.  It is Calculus that
} gives us the First Fundamental Theorem of Life:
}
}                               /
}                               |  x        n
}                               | e  =  f(u)
}                              /
}
} This Theorem is what gives us happines, pain, population growth, and The
} Stains in Our Shorts.
}
} Calculus, my child, IS.
}
} You owe the Oracle a better-looking integral sign.

--- 61-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> O Oracle Most Wise,
>
> How much wood could dance on one hand clapping?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} My dear child, this question requires most thought.  It seems to me that
} if this wood is still a tree, then only one piece of wood could dance on
} one hand clapping.
}
} Methinks, however, if you have toothpicks, then 6402 pieces of wood
} could dance on one hand clapping.

--- 61-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Who is the world's most boring professor?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The world's most boring professor is Dr.  Fredric Brockelmann, Professor
} Emeritus of History at the University of Ohio, Lanech branch.  Tenured
} during a severe shortage of higher-level educators, Dr.  Brockelmann is
} well-known, and only freshmen and masochists take his classes.  Due to
} his advanced age, he only teaches two classes, which are available at
} 8AM MWF, and 8AM TTh.  However, last semester he did teach a night
} class, Fridays from 8PM - 11PM.  Dr.  Brockelmann feels that attendance
} is an absolute pre-requisite to a solid education, and more than one
} absence results in failure.
}
} Seven textbooks accompany his class, but the lecture accounts for 50% of
} the student's grade.  Ten years ago Dr.  Brockelmann was stricken with a
} throat virus, which permanently limited his vocal range to less than
} one-sixth of an octave.  His specialty is medieval history, but last
} year the Sociology department hired him in a pinch to teach their
} "Sexuality of College Students" course; most students slept through it,
} and those who didn't became celibate in a vain attempt to end long bouts
} of severe depression.
}
} Sadly, Dr.  Brockelmann's wife successfully hanged herself in 1972, and
} Dr.  Brockelmann has been the target of several assassination attempts.
} However, there is a bright side to the professor's career; he has
} provided the students with an certain element of levity.  One fraternity
} keeps a long-standing, completely accurate record of the number of times
} Dr.  Brockelmann has picked his nose during class.  The figure currently
} stands at 1176, which is approximately 4.2 times for every lecture he
} has given.

--- 61-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Some of the Oracle's answers give the distinct impression that the
> Oracle is male.  Others seems to have been written by a female, and
> others by a computer or a Disembodied Spiritual Being.
>
> Is the Oracle really a hermaphroditic, asexual, horny, computer?  Or
> does It alternate between the above incarnations?  In the latter case,
> how can I have sex with Her?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} The Oracle may assume many forms, usually to facilitate the answering of
} certain questions.  But you have asked what the Oracle really is.  It is
} of course a computer program.
}
} As to your last question, all you need is a disk drive, but don't forget
} to use a Write Protect (tm) tab, as there are viruses going around.

--- 61-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> AHHHHHH!  I'VE JUST CUT OFF MY LEG WITH A CHAINSAW!  O ORACLE MOST WISE,
> WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It is good to find that people, even in the turmoil of a recent and
} unexpected amputation, are thinking of their duty to maintain a
} symmetrical body.  In this case, you should cut off the other leg.  It
} may be difficult at this point to do so accurately with a chainsaw, as
} you are probably in shock.  I recommend that you position your leg under
} the wheel of a truck; it will be much easier.  I realize that the two
} legs will look somewhat different, but be assured that the dynamic
} tension between the two will be rather more appealing than otherwise.
} In fact, you will be one of the new leaders of an artistic movement in
} amputations.
}
} (Also, you don't need to worry about dying under the truck.  The driver
} will be totally shocked, and drive off in a hurry.  However, a few
} minutes later, a bear will come out of the woods, and, seeing a fellow
} mammal in agony, will nurse you back to health, and even make a trip to
} the local hospital to get you a pair of crutches.)
}
} You owe the Oracle an autograph when you become the leader of the new
} movement.

--- 61-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> I just can't get started on the programming assignment that I have, and
> it's due in just over 72 hours!!  It's not that I don't know how to do
> it, it just that I can't motivate myself to start.  Could you tell me
> if...aah, forget it, I'm wasting my time.
>
> ^C
> Interrupt--one more to kill letter
> ^c
>
> %

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} After some negotiation with the nastier divinities, I have found a
} source of motivation for you.  If you do not do your assignment
} promptly, the flesh will melt off your bones.

--- 61-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> What the hell Oracle! what the hell I say?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Hell
}      the Hell
}                 full of big hairy lizards
}                 with lots of very very very very
}                 very sharp teeth
}                            nibble the nose
}                      bite                   bite
}                            sharply bite
}      the Hell
}                 ouch!
}
} he says the Hell             bite bite
}     bite
}          with the lizards
}     sharp bite                      bite sharp
}                  ouch!
}   nibble            the Hell?              bite!
}       sharp the bite bite the sharp bite
}
} and there's fire there too.

--- 61-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------
Selected-By: Steve Kinzler <kinzler@cs.indiana.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Why do I spend all my time reading News instead of working?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It has been suggested that this is the most harmless thing you could
} possibly be doing with the awesome power vested in you by the possession
} of a link to the Internet.  After all, you could be:
}
} 1. Writing a virus
} 2. Playing cross-continental xtrek or decwars
} 3. Trying to figure out how to crash the Oracle
} 4. Flaming on misc.misc
} 5. Voting "yes" to sci.aquaria
}
} or, most dangerous of all,
} 6. Working
}
} So keep it up.
}
} The Oracle demands an all-expense-paid trip for two to Bermuda.