From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 16 14:49:21 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #59 Message-ID: <29821@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Nov 89 19:49:21 GMT Sender: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu === 59 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #59 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Nov 89 19:49:21 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 59-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > The nastiest thing I have even done to anyone was this: when I was in > fourth grade, one day I was playing with one of those red rubber balls > during recess. About thirty feet away across the playground I noticed > this kid running. Now, I didn't really have anything against him, but I > thought ``what the hell''. I dropped the ball and kicked it right at > him! I was really amazed, because the ball hit him square in the legs > really hard, and WHAM he smashed face-first into the ground. I'm sure > it hurt a lot. When he accused me of assaulting him and threatened to > call the teacher, I lied and said that it was an accident, that I hadn't > seen him. > > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Retain a fair civil liabilities lawyer and sue the teacher AND the } teacher's union for negligence in supervisory care, and further, if you } can, sue the builder of the playground for unsafe design. Settle for } whatever you can get. The point is of course the mental anguish } inflicted upon you in sympathetic suffering and in guilt-neurosis. --- 59-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh, by the way, O Miraculous Oracle, regarding my last humble question > to you: > > I have already realized the obvious answer to my question, and it is > not the one that I want, so don't bother. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In that case, you want the less obvious answers, and these are } (in numerological order) } } (a) 1066 } (b) false } (c) Thomas Jefferson, all the rest are 19th century tractor } manufacturers } (d) The first crossing of the English Channel in a plastic bucket } (e) 72.44 } (f) (int *)sort_routine(); } (g) Insert a cut at the end of the 2nd clause of sadistic_practice/3 } (h) Broooklyn. The others are items of womens' underclothing } (i) The best result is attained with a viscosity less than 0.23 and } at a temperature of 38 degrees Celsius } (j) Yellow and blue } (k) Edinburgh } (l) F sharp major } (m) Captain Scarlet was in the conservatory so it must have been } Mrs. PLum } (n) Five times a week } (o) Profiteroles and custard --- 59-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Infinitely Wise and Benevolent Oracle, > whoes vast Mind spans the very Cosmos! > O Miraculous Oracle, > whoes Knowledge knows no bounds! > O most Oraculous One, > Incomprehensible to mere Mortal Man! > O Enlightened Oracle, > Primal Seeker of Truth in all Things! > > Pray tell thy most humble and devoted disciple, > who Loves thou above all else! > > How art Bananas made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bananas wert made by Woody Allen on a shoestring budget with a lot of } cameo appearances... --- 59-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You go question Mark. The Oracle doesn't question people; It gives } answers. --- 59-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What's the best way for me to excite my boyfriend? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is a matter of touching his erogenous zones. In the typical human } male, the whole body is an erogenous zone. In fact, a ten-foot radius } around him is an erogenous zone. Enter this zone and he will be ready } for intercourse. } } Of course, some zones are more erogenous than others. The brain, } accessed through the ear canal, is the most erogenous zone. Gentle } pressure modulation will stimulate this zone. This can be accomplished } with your vocal chords. Say things like "I won't tell your parents" or } "I can't get pregnant", and he will be near the point of orgasm. "I } want to marry you" will have the opposite effect. --- 59-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How does a flea collar work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most people believes that a flea collar somehow KILLS the fleas. This } is of course not true, it would be inhumane. } } What really happens is that the collar prevents the fleas from moving } from the head to the body of the dog and vice versa. Of course, this } totally wrecks the extremely important trade route between the two } parts. This means that the head is cut off from its food supply from } the agricultural regions further down. As the head of course is the } administrative centre, and when the other part tries to redeem this, } they end up with only hairdressers and insurance agents. Thus, the } social and economical environment collapses, and the flea society dies. } } You owe the oracle all your fleas. --- 59-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What will happen in East and West Germany as a result of opening up > the Wall? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } In accordance with the laws of diffusion, East and West Germans will mix } freely, exchanging beer and sauerkraut until they reach a state of } Germodynamic equilibrium. } } You owe the Oracle a statistical mechanics text. --- 59-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Since the oracle tells us the answers, is there an "opticle" which sees > all? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle always has difficulty answering questions which ask about the } Oracle itself. In such cases, the Oracle has discovered that the } simplest way to answer these self-referential questions is to ask the } Oracle. Thus, the Oracle asked itself the following question: } } > If I were to ask the Oracle the following question, what would it } > reply? } > > Since the Oracle tells us the answers, is there an "opticle" which } > > sees all? } } And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } } } Yes, he lives at the North Pole, and knows if you've been bad or good, } } so be good for goodness sake. } } Since the Oracle doesn't quite understand this answer, it occurs to the } Oracle that perhaps a better method of answering these self-referential } questions needs to be devised. We will consult the Oracle and get back } to you. --- 59-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > could you give me a list of the deities you are familiar with? it > appears to me that you don't know many and just make up those talks you > supposedly have with them. for example, if you ever talked to vishnu, > you would know that he is the preserver and not the destroyer (gotcha!). > > ciao And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Listen closely now, because I'm going to tell you a...(Look suspiciously } to the right, now to the left, now over your shoulder. You're alone, } right?) ...SECRET. If you tell this to ANYONE else, your eyelids will } instantly be swapped with your testicles, and you will look VERY silly. } (You will also have to unzip your pants to walk down the street.) So } DON'T tell anybody. } } All these deities everybody talks about--Cthulu, Artemis, Blibdoolpoolp, } Quetzalquatl, Jove, Emacs, etc.--they're all just ONE ~VERY~ busy deity } who does amphetamines to deal with all the spiritual traffic in the } universe. (Similar to the way college students handle finals.) So, when } I last talked to the Great One (named "Foo", by the way), sheit } (she/he/it) was under the guise of Vishnu, but had just shot up, and } temporarily forgot precisely what it was that Vishnu was supposed to DO. } You may recall the SF Earthquake of '06? Well, ol' Vish was doing the } zoning board, and Destroyed where he should have Preserved. SO, anyway, } sheit being the Great God Foo and all, I believed hermit (her/him/it) } when sheit said, "I am Vishnu the Destroyer!" and proceeded to destroy } San Francisco. } } So don't blame ME. } } Oh, yes. And I believe that answers your first question, too. } } You owe the oracle a tsunami in South Dakota. --- 59-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the oracle such a success? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because it provides a substitute for conversation with real people and } an outlet for anonymous sexual fantasies. Let me lick you just here...