From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Wed Nov 15 9:20:35 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #57 Message-ID: <29691@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 15 Nov 89 14:20:35 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 57 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #57 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 15 Nov 89 14:20:35 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 57-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is Simon Wagstaff, what was his Primal Question, and why did he love > Chworktap? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Simon Wagstaff was the originator of the counterculture known } collectively as the "nerds". His brilliance was incredible, but his } usefulness was little. He pioneered the now well-known nerd symbols of } the too long belt, the pocket protector, the really ugly glasses, and } the terminal hunch (from bending over in front of a computer terminal -- } in his case, a card puncher). } } His primal question is the same one that is still asked today by } computer geeks everywhere -- "Why did it crash?!? I FIXED that line!!" } } Chworktop! That's a sad story. Simon, after a long time of puncging } cards into FORTRAN programs, finally got the use of his first CRT } terminal, a Chworktop CRTstation (it was a gift from the company that } made the punch cards because he was their biggest customer); and } proceeded to spend a week in front of it, eating nothing but Coca-Cola } and the occasioonal Pizza slice; when it blew a fuse. Some say that he } saw something on the screen before the fuse went; but the concensus is } that the overload of computing and Coca-cola caused his fatal stroke at } the age of fourteen. } } Sniff. } } You owe the Oracle two hours in front of a VT220. --- 57-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What am I thinking right now? What answer do I expect from the Oracle > (hint: these are not the same)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } How dare you test the Oracle in such a fashion! I do not exist to play } such foolish parlor games with the likes of you! I am here to enlighten } the people who ask meaningful questions. But in order to please you, } you sniveling, worthless piece of lark's vomit, here is your answer: } } Right now you are worrying about whether or not the anonymous posting } service stripped the header from the letter you sent to alt.sex.bondage. } } You expect me to say that you are thinking of Lisa entering the door to } your left and sitting down on your lap and starting to massage your } chest over and over, thon slowly moving down your torso until finally } she takes hold of your... ah, well, you get the picture. } } You owe the oracle $.25. --- 57-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Help! I'm driving along the freeway right now, and OUCH! I've just > spilled some scalding hot coffee onto my crotch, and so I've SWERVED > across the median onto the opposing lanes! CARS AND TRUCKS ARE COMING > AT ME AT 80 MPH! > HELP! QUICK!! WHAT SHOULD I DO???? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Stop typing and assume crash postions. --- 57-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is at the beginning of every youth, the center of every eye, and > the end of every day? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The letter "y." My, aren't you clever! } } Actually, the best answer is "a blob of slime." Think about it. --- 57-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When they say "It's not over 'till the fat lady sings", are they > referring specifically to Tammy Faye Bakker? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The original fat lady, who inspired this saying, was named Olga } Hustenwaffle, and sang for the Indiapolis Metropolitan Opera from 1923 } to 1951. } } Now that the lovely Tammy Faye's hubby is incarcerated, she actually has } been considering a career in opera or entertainment. Next year she will } tour the US, playing "Magenta" in the stage version of the Rocky Horror } Picture Show. After a stint at the Detroit Opera, she will abandon the } stage to replace Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show. } } The ultimate singing fat lady is Ethel Murmen, who is actually not a fat } lady at all, but an incarnation of Vishnu, the destroyer. Better take } cover when she starts singing to end the show! --- 57-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where can I meet beautiful women who will come toed with me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Most of the time, I don't think there ever is a problem with women going } anywhere toed. I think your best bet is that you make sure the women } still have toes when they go out with you. } } You owe the oracle a collection of Lee Press-On Nails. --- 57-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Now, I'm a rather rude and crude kind of guy, and there's not much I > like better than some rather raw and pretty offensive reading material. > But I'm also working towards a Ph. D. in English Literature, and so I > get to understand peoples' writing styles pretty well. And there are > some pretty marvelous coincidences going down here. Like, a guy who > writes very much like Ronald Reagan wrote a series of books about a girl > named Beth Bopper in 1950-52, six not particularly good books with lots > of explicit sex. Is it really Ronny, and if so, how much of his > campaign fund was supported by pornography? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle refuses to Answer on the grounds that the Oracle may } Incriminate It's Oracular Self! } } You owe the Anonymous Oracle all the evidence you have accumulated. --- 57-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > ``Boom boom, out go the lights!'' And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE } } This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been } an an actual emergency, you would have heard many large explosions. --- 57-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I love you. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well there isn't really much one can say to this, I'm extermely } flattered and If you'd stop by my house I'd show you how much. My } address is: } } 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC } } Ask for Mr. B, they'll know who you mean. } } You owe the Oracle a service, you must remove WWF from TV. --- 57-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why are women so difficult to understand? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, son, women are fundamentally different from us men. It's futile } trying to understand them - the differences are biological and innate. } A woman will never appreciate how totally hilarious the Three Stooges } are, or why tofu is unfit for human consumption, or what the blue line } in hockey is for (though, just between us, the Oracle has always had } trouble with this too). How could we really understand someone with the } ability to remember where the packing tape is stored, 5 years after it } was put away? (Men actually have abilities like this in latent form, } but they are suppressed by testosterone poisoning). So give it up. } } By the way, son, be careful about these questions. It's only luck the } Oracle caught this before Mrs. Oracle had time to open the E-mail. If } she sees this, your female acquaintances would hear about it fast.