From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 13 17:10:44 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #54 Message-ID: <29591@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 13 Nov 89 22:10:44 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler Keywords: offensive === 54 === offensive ===================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #54 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 13 Nov 89 22:10:44 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 54-01 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I give Lisa a vanilla pastry, will she be my janitor? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } As an easy way to answer Lisa-questions, the Oracle will now change } Itself into Lisa. } } First, the lovely body...a bit of a tight fit, this little brain, for } the Oracular Mind...errmph...ah, there we are. Mmmm, nice! Apart from } the cramped skull, it's very comfortable in here. But the Oracular } expression doesn't look right on this pretty face. On goes her } superficial persona... ouch, much too tight...that's better. Well I } look and act like Lisa now but I don't know how how much she'd do for a } vanila pastery. Let me change the Oraculur self so it's just like hers, } okay? Oooh its cramped in here... Hi Im Lisa now and Im the } net.goddess! You dumb nerd! I dont like vanilla pasterys and I wouldnt } be anybodie's janitor for anything. This dumb Oracle is trying to make } me back into it but Im Lisa and Im a goddess and you cant be me aand } iblfk;hg; jfg .,, ; Ah, it feels good to stretch the Oracular Mind } again. What a pity there's so little room upstairs...what a stupid } woman. You can't appreciate how stupid Lisa is until you've been her. } } Well, the Oracle is back to normal now, and thinks that Lisa has about } the right intellect to be your janitor if you're not too fussy about } cleanliness, but she won't take the job. --- 54-02 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is Lisa really a pillow-kicker from New York? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Lisa, being the net.sex.goddess, is the true essence of eroticism, and } appears to an ordinary mortal in a form that embodies that person's } deepest needs and desires. } } Lisa appears to you as an ex roller-derby queen with a jeep and two } Dobermans. She has "Born to Mince" tattooed on her arm, and engages in } practices that make the stuff on alt.sex.bondage seem tame. Her pointed } boots are used for kicking submissive buttocks, not pillows. } } You owe the Oracle a membership in the "Fetish of the Month" club. --- 54-03 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When did Charles De Gaulle fondle Mao Tse-Tung? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Never. However, Madame Chiang Kai-shek did furtively try to fondle } DeGaulle in Paris in 1948 (he was, after all, a truly great Gallic } symbol, though not as big as the Eiffel Tower), but was rebuffed with } one icy glare from the great man. --- 54-04 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Can I stick a Tarot-loving penis up Queen Victoria's arse? > (Not necessarily my own). And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well now, there are several requirements to be passed in order to } attempt such a action. First, if it not your penis you intend to use, } you need to get permission from the owner of said penis, form } 36543-1234/p. Second, since Queen Victoria happens to be dead, you will } your basic exhumation(sp?) form 383982/72392-UK. Now, assuming you have } gotten permission to use above said penis and have dug up ole' Vicky, } you will have to fill out an experimental use of public/private property } form #42356/23/3. Finally, if you are conducting this act a private } citizen, then you will need a experimentation permit, #46544(make sure } to substitute the word lab with graveyard, bedroom, or where ever happen } to be doing this act). All of these form, in sectetriplicate(sp?), need } to be on my desk on or before the fifth day preceding said act. Oh BTW, } if someone else is going to see you do this, you will also need a } performers license, unless he is assisting you(such as holding the } corpse still). } } You owe the Oracle 8 x 10 glossies of a film or video tape of the event. --- 54-05 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There's a machine here that has a hole in in that says, "Insert Penis > Here." I did, and it bit my penis off. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } See a good plastic surgeon about building a replacement member. It will } have to have a semirigid implant or a hydraulic system, and it won't be } much fun to use, but at least you'll be able to reproduce. Gender- } reassignment surgery usually uses penile skin o form a pseudovagina, so } that's probably out of the question even if you want it. } } If enough of a stub is left of your member, it might be possible to } reroute your urethra temporarily, and have a silicone bag of saline } solution put into the stump. By gradually filling the bag with saline } over a period of months, enough new penile skin might be grown that } either a hydraulic phallus or a pseudovagina can be built. No telling } whether the innervation in the new skin will be sufficient for much } sexual pleasure, though. This skin- growing technique has been used } successfully to grow large areas of hairy scalp on bald men, but to the } Oracle's certain knowledge, never for penile reconstruction. } } Good luck, and don't go sticking bits of yourself into Spring Loaded } Death Vaginas. --- 54-06 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > oh great oracle, > how is can I attract several large marsupials into a vat of steaming > k-y jelly to engage in fun filled frolics with fat bearded women, they > are needed for my young republicans party I'm throwing this weekend. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle perceives that you are a Dukakis Democrat trying to besmirch } the not-really-that-good name of the Young Republicans. Young } Republicans' parties are actually quite boring -- a bunch of geeks } sitting around getting quietly drunk on Coors (God, what an awful beer! } the only decent beer they've ever produced is Winterfest), or a bunch of } frat boys standing around getting noisily drunk on Coors, with a tiny } number of beautiful, haughty girlfriends owned by the richer and } less-geeky of the guys. The girls have noses made by plastic surgeons, } exquisitely made-up faces that hide their freckles and zits, and $100 } hairstyles. The level of political discussion is about 8th- grade. } } In fairness, the ADA meetings aren't much better, and the level of } political discussion is about 3rd-grade, consisting of worship of } totalitarianism and utterly puerile views on everything. But the broads } are better, if you steer clear of the granola dykes, and you can } sometimes get pot instead of beer. --- 54-07 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who is having lingerie catalogs sent to my address? The models in them > are pretty good-looking, and I want to thank my benefactor. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oh mighty oracle: Do you remember the time you were up in the } cabin with your buddy and two girls up in the mountains outside } of Boulder in 1969. And do you remembe{ that you you wound up } schtupping one of the girls while your buddy got to schtupp the } other? And do you remember how amzed you were that the girl } underneath you just lay there utterly without moving while you } pumped mightily away? (Thereby giving new meaning to the old } saying, "There ain't no motion to the ocean.") } } Well the reason she seemed so utterly without physical response } response was that unbeknownst to you, you were indulging in } transtemporal fucking, and all that dick that you were pumping } into her went clear into 1989 where she has only now begun to } buck and writhe. } } I hope this makes everthing clear. --- 54-08 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I have this great urge to tear out my balls. I know I will be hurt so I > do not. Will the application of BenGay to my right ear lobe cure this > problem. That is what it says in the Annals of the American Medical > Society. Please help. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Definitely not! You should stop applying that BenGay IMMEDIATELY. } I think you misread that sentence in the AAMS. It says: } "Condition: Autocastraphilia } Symptoms: Urge to surgically remove ones own testes } Treatment: Do NOT apply BenGay to the right earlobe. This is a } common misconception that could actually worsen the } condition. Stop applying BenGay; if condition persists } consult a physician. } History: ACP originated shortly after the invention of BenGay, which } was developed by a deranged quack who intended to jeopardize } the continued existence of the human race by persuading men } to use the drug. BenGay actually complicates the production } of testosterone, a male reproductive hormone, causing the } man extreme pain. He then naturally craves the destruction } of his heterosexual traits, hence the name of the drug." } } BenGay: Just say NO! --- 54-09 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I was reading one of my favorite works of interpersonal interaction, a > charming journal called Red Hot Couples, and I came across a little note > scribbled in red lipstick on one of the pages. I wiped it off, and > tried to read it, but I'm afraid I smeared it a little bit. It said > something like that I was under infilteration by the Organization for > Christian Decency, and that if I didn't repaint and give them tons of > money, they would firebomb my nose. Should I take them seriously? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No. Ignore them. It'll serve you right when they deface your face -- } no, just teasing. Really you can ignore them -- no real Christians } would make such a threat. --- 54-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is the guy at the terminal next to me smell so bad? It's about to > make me ill. He keeps staring at my breasts as well. What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } And what lovely breasts they are... Sorry about the smell... I pulled } an all-nighter, y'see and I haven't gotten a chance to go home and } shower. But what do say to a chance to REALLY look at your breasts, } after I've had a chance to clean up? } } btw- do you realize the astronomical odds of me getting your question? } Why the number is astronomical (much like my desire to reach out and } caress your soft firm.. um.. nevermind... } } So is it a date? } } You owe the Oracle a good time (or at least don't laugh at me too hard } when I'm naked).