From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Nov 6 11:13:38 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #48 Message-ID: <29139@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:38 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 48 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #48 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 6 Nov 89 16:13:38 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 48-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many plate glass windows can I jump through without taking damage? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle is astonished at the number of questions it is asked that can } be answered by searching a good library. In this case, the answer can } be found in Pulaski's Big Book of Equations and Yam Recipies. } } On page 256-b, Appendix 18, the following equation can be found: } } _ } P= | (W*V) - (Mo + Pn) } | (Cb*J) } - } } where P= the number of plate glass windows } W= your weight (in National Geographics) } V= your velocity (relative to Raymond Burr) } Cb= the number of cheeseburgers eaten in the past six days } J= the number of Motorcycles owned by Jay Leno } Mo= the number of letters in your mother's maiden name } Pn= the page number of this equation } } hence: assume your are a typical person with a weight of 55 N.G. and } a relative R.B. velocity of 6 bad television series in a row, } } the answer is -3.567 } } Thus, the Oracle can tell you that 3.5 plate glass windows will have to } jump through you before you are injured! } } You owe the oracle a lone quark. --- 48-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Where are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I'm in .... good heavens! I seem to be in someone else's body! I'm } male and have a short brown beard! I'm in a small cubicle, typing at an } obsolete DEC computer with a 2400 baud modem. It's uncanny! --- 48-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I just bowdlerized an old lady, who I thought was simply an innocent > victim. She turned out to be a witch. She hexed me so that my little > finger turned vaporously marsupial. What should I do? How can I > prevent this from happening again? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Bowdlerizing anybody is reprehensible. In your case it would involve } a full castration and skin transplants to give you a smooth crotch no } more interesting than your thigh. The Oracle thinks that the witch } was much too lenient with you -- the ghost-possum that was formerly } your little finger will make an excellent, easy-to-care-for pet, and } a great conversation piece. You need do nothing in particular -- just } don't go bowdlerizing people any more. --- 48-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > truncating the first line of every mail message I send? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } is the reason, and the aforementioned solution should be implemented to } solve it. } } You owe the Oracle five of your teeth. --- 48-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why are there no elephants in Illinois or Missouri? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } This type of question is the most irritating for The Oracle. Have you } LOOKED for any elephants in Illinois of Missouri? Obviously not, for } there are in fact many elephants in Illinois and Missouri. There is a } lesser-known breed of elephants, called pygmie elephants. The largest } of this breed is smaller than a chihuahua, and are not easy to find. } This breed lives EXCLUSIVELY in Illinois and Missouri, for a reason that } zoologists cannot figure out. Because of their reclusive nature, they } can only be seen by those who they do not fear. Therefore, it is } necessary to get their trust to find them, and the only known method of } doing that is to drink massive quantity of alcohol. You can recognise } them by their size, and their distinctive color, a bright hot pink. } } You owe The Oracle a pygmie elephant hide. --- 48-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Great Oracle kind and wise > Honest Oracle who tells no lies, > > This is not a test of your power or knowledge. It merely delights me > that you can understand the vaguest forms of encryption. Please > answer my encrypted question. > > pckfdu a1[ase 02n/sktr inARlEeG akls;a `nn~!#f indr > (*ghtpoi hwqd? > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should be slapped for such a rude question. The Oracle is not used } to, nor expected to answer such a crude and distastefull question. But } just this once, I will answer your question. However, as The Oracle } knows encryption methods beyond your dreams, I will not answer in an } encrypted form, because no man alive would be able to decrypt the } response. } In order to do what you want, you will require a ball of rubber, such } as that used by high-quality art erasers, two feet of cotton rope, and a } small herd of Wildebeasts. After that, the procedure should be clear. } I hope you enjoy your new stable-mate. } } You owe the Oracle your first-born Minotar. --- 48-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh Great Oracle, why do you answer our petty questions? People send you > very stupid questions, yet you always answer them. Why do you bother? > What's in it for YOU? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I do it for the laughs. Muahahahahaha. } Go figure. } } you owe the oracle a kiss. --- 48-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Laryngitis. } } You owe the Oracle a fever. --- 48-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If you were traveling in a vehicle moving at lightspeed, and turned on > the headlights, what would happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } For mere mortals like you, this is a purely theoretical question, since } you cannot travel at lightspeed without breaking the Law - viz. } Einstein's Law, one of the most Sacred Principles Of Physics. If you } broke it, you would instantly be fined an infinite amount of energy } (payable in advance!) and would in addition be viciously flamed in } sci.physics. } } For me, however, NOTHING is forbidden since I am a Divine, Immortal } ORACLE. In fact, I tried your experiment out as I drove to work this } morning. However, because of time dilation I arrived before I had had } time to switch on the headlights. I will try again tomorrow. } } You are graciously permitted to pay my speed tickets. --- 48-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Sometimes I get messages back telling me that I have confused the > Oracle. How is it possible to confuse the Alknowing Oracle? If the > Oracle is truly Alknowing, it is not possible to confuse such a person. > Or am I confused? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Mighty Oracle is indeed Allknowing and Omniscient. What confuses Me } is not the contetn of your questions but rather the fact they are so } confusing In fact, your questions are so confusing that they beat even } My answers. } } The fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse a Divine } Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused. } } The fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions that confuse } a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a Divine Being } like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused. } } The fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask questions } that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it makes even a } Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused } makes even a Divine Being like Me confused. } } The fact the fact that he fact that the fact that a mere mortal can ask } questions that confuse a Divine Being like Me is so confusing that it } makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being } like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a } Divine Being like Me confused. } } [ ... intervening lines removed by the net.overgod ... ] } } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine } Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me confused makes } even a Divine Being like Me confused makes even a Divine Being like Me } confused makes even a Divine Be } } recursion stack overflow - core dumped