From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Nov 2 19:57:01 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #42 Message-ID: <28965@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 3 Nov 89 00:57:01 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 42 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #42 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 3 Nov 89 00:57:01 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 42-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How safe is it to use my Mac in the tub? I have been doing this now for > a few months because I find it relaxing to bathe when I work. I have > never had any proble any problems since I keep it perched on a board on > the ledge, but I have had thes > > ---Error: Unexpected shutdown > mail.file intact > Aborting /mail/user/sys > EOT And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It is perfectly safe to use your Mac in the tub, as long as you observe } these simple precautions. } 1 Don't use the mouse. Mice are ordinarily scared into quiescence by } the presence of a human, so that they don't move except when you move } them. (But ever notice how much they run around overnight?) However, } mice are fearless swimmers, so that if you use a mouse, it will } probably dive into the bathtub and swim around, clicking madly. This } will cause all kind of havoc with your document. } 2 Wrap the keyboard in several layers of latex. I recommend split } condoms. Aside from protection against water, this will keep you from } getting pregnant. Yes, I know you're male. Lots of men have children } because they didn't know that *Macs can make men pregnant*. It's } especially dangerous if you have your clothes off! } 3 Fill the bathtub with olive oil instead of water. Olive oil is } non-conductive and smells better than plain water. Furthermore, it } will lubricate your Macintosh disk drive. } 4 Wear a hat with three leeks and an emu's feather on it. This will } keep away Brikkenakkle, the evil genie who haunts computer systems. --- 42-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Is it hard to fondle penguins? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Generally, yes. This is a direct result of the difficulty one has in } finding those aquatic waiters in tuxedos. Additionally, people who } scale the fences and brave the trenches at zoos so they can feel up the } resident water fowl have traditionally been locked up... } } They also have very small genitals. } } The oracle demands an "Opus in the Shower" stuffed toy. --- 42-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > A unicorn stepped on my foot. Now I limp all the time. What should I > do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Unicorns step on the feet of naughty virgins -- virgins who have tried } hard to lose their virginity but have failed miserably because nobody } will have anything to do with them. Though a virgin can tame a unicorn, } the noble beasts look with disdain on poor schmucks who spend all their } time trying to get bedded but cannot. You have the Oracle's sympathy. } See a good orthopedic surgeon about that limp, or get a cane for that } Byronic look that drives the babes wild. --- 42-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is Igglesworth up to now, Senator? (And why have I started calling > you Senator again?) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Igglesworth has had gender-reassignment surgery. He still looks like a } man in drag. Really it's pathetic. } } Clearly you are confusing the Oracle with J. Danforth Quayle, due to } the fact that both are based in Indiana. But you should be calling the } Oracle ``Mr. Vice-President'' now. At any rate (even $100,000.00 / } minute), the Oracle is offended that you should confuse it with Quayle. --- 42-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a drukojim? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A "drukojim"? Lemme check the OED for a picosec. Ahem, here we are: } } drukojim (droo ko' jem) n. A meaningless word often asked to omniscient } oracles by filthy, grovelling insignificant worms. } } } (Source, the "Unabridged Oracle Edification Dictionary") } } } A curious fact, however, is that a "mijokurd" is a small yak herder from } the mountains of Kashmere. The mijokurdese word for "the smallest yak } dropping still big enough to be used to fuel a fire used for curing } hides" is "Dru". Also, the year in that region is divided into the 10 } month "dotak" season (that is, the time when it is so cold that even } sneezing is dangerous because a snootfull of frozen mucus can be } deadly), the 45 day "mosak" (that is, the time of year when it is warm } enough to sneeze, but still to damn cold to do anything BUT sneeze and } pick up yak droppings) and the 15 day "sajak". The "sajak" is the two } week period of intense discomfort when it gets so hot that every exposed } piece of skin peels, and the yaks go into heat. Since your name is Jim, } then an alternative meaning to Drukojim is: } } "The smallest yak dropping still big enough to be used to fuel a fire } used for curing the skin off your nose which peels every summer." } } The oracle doth finish the speaking which falls down among the mortals } as pearls from the vault of heaven. Dig it, chump. --- 42-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > why do humans have a backup of less important items (testicles, kidneys, > lungs), yet only one copy of more important organs (penis, brain, > clitoris) And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } They want to emphasize how important the organ is. If you had only one } testicle, kidney, or lung, you'd think it was as important as a penis or } brain. } } You owe the Oracle one testacle, one kidney, and one lung. --- 42-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, since you are but an abstract entity made up of hundreds of > minds rather than the traditional one, do you represent the voice of > America? Or are you merely as a beehive or anthill: one will made up > of many? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many are the people, and many the computer geeks, in whom I am manifest } from time to time. I transcend the boundaries of America. --- 42-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a Birf and, if I get one for Lisa, will she make love to me? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you get one FROM Lisa, chances are she will have made love to you. --- 42-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Will asking oracle questions lead me to God? or the Goddess? or the > Giant Elephant? or what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Asking the Oracle questions will definitely lead you to What. You will } find yourself saying ``what?'' more and more often. Occasional Catholic } answers are possible when the Oracle is in a frolicsome mood, but on the } whole the Oracle leads to pleasant confusion and agreeably wasted time. } } The Giant Elephant is under Oracular protection because Its ivory is at } risk. Therefore the Oracle will not lead _anybody_ to the Giant } Elephant, and it is not true that the Oracle is going to do the Elephant } in and sell the ivory on the black market. No way. Besides, selling } more than the tiniest fraction would drive the market price down, and -- } no, I didn't say that, you didn't read that, forget what you just read, } you are forgetting what you just read... Really, the Oracle and the } Elephant are good friends, honestly. --- 42-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is the appeal of high-energy laundry? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Your Whites will be Whiter! Your Colors will be Brighter! } Your Family will be More Popular! Your Socks will be able } to make The Return Trip from that Other Dimension! You'll } have Better Sex! You'll Waste Less Water! You'll be rid } of that Pesky Static Cling! You'll smell Lemon Fresh! } You'll be rid of That Embarassing Ring-Around-The-Collar! } You'll Never See a Sweat Stain again! You'll be Healthier, } Happier, A Conscious Consumer! You'll never be Ashamed to } wear that Slinky White Dress again! } } In other words, you'll be a total dupe to the Dogs of } Madison Avenue. } } You owe the Oracle three Advertising Executive Skins.