From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 31 18:58:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #39 Message-ID: <28794@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 31 Oct 89 23:58:28 GMT === 39 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #39 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 31 Oct 89 23:58:28 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 39-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Wise Oracle, > > What is with this proliferation of babes in the computer room > late at night? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Someone's forking off all kinds of child processes! This isn't a } computer room, it's a goddam nursery! --- 39-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Who the heck is Gizelle? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Funny you should ask. } } Way, way, way back when I was a freshman at UoTG (University of The } Gods, a most horrid place, what with campus stretching all over the nine } levels of Hell, and not even a decent salad bar at the dorms.) I was } reading the personal ads in the campus paper (The Immortal Daily) when I } came across the following ad: } } TO THE ORACLE WHO WEARS RED: in Zeus Hall, 9:30-10:30 } MWF, room 113. Look up and smile at me. } } Now, I was normally not one to panic at such drivel, but then I realized } that the room and time in question just happened to coincide with my } Atlantean Literature class, and I always wore red to that class (at the } time, I was cosidering a change of major to Fire-God from Oracle, but } that was just an infatuation with a succubus named Brenda. Now, I was } young then, not quite past my 18th century, and was quite amazed that } out of all the Immortals on campus, I, a lowly Freshman Oracle, recieved } a personal from, I hoped, a young Wood Nymph. } } Well, later that week, I saw my admirer (the first of many). She turned } out to be a Barbarian Death Goddess-In-Training. She looked much like } the lead singer for Los Lobos, but her beard was longer. I started } wearing black to class. } } Later, while sitting on the Pantheon steps, I accidentally find myself } not 10 feet away from the Barbarian Death Goddess. She, of course, } comes over and initiates a conversation. Admittedly, it was a bit } one-sided, as I had not yet discovered the glory in maiming and smoting } the enemies of my people, which she imparted upon me with much detail } (during the part about the comsumption of the enemy clan's elder's } entrails, streams of drool kept getting caught in her beard. Ugh.). } } Then, as Fate would have it, my friend Wayne (he later became a } Forest-God, and then one of the Mountain Kings) walked by on his way to } Continent Creation 120. Desparate for an interruption, I flagged him } down. As I introduced him to the Barbarian, I realized I didn't know } (or had forgotten) the Goddess-In-Training's name. } } "Gizelle," she said, and hit me with her Staff of Drought and Famine. } } And that is who Gizelle is. } } You owe the Oracle a fiddle made of gold. --- 39-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > O Great Oracle, > > Why oh why was I up at 2:30 in the morning writing a story about > Nat and Brian and the mistakes they made? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Because you are trying to become a Great Author, and this requires Pain } and Suffering and Sacrifice and Lack of Sleep and Agony and Having your } Teeth Extracted Without Anaesthetic and Total Abject Misery and Being } Stabbed Repeatedly with Sharp Branches Covered with Tiny Splinters and } Generally Being Unhappy. } } You owe the oracle an autographed copy of your first book. --- 39-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do we never see Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson in the same > picture? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Mike and Janet fight like wildcats. You see, Michael Jackson is really } E. Gordon Liddy, and Janet Jackson is really Indira Ghandi, both under } the FBI's witness relocation program. They really don't get along. --- 39-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a merlip? Can I wear one to the Arts and Roses ball? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } A merlip is a fishy condition caused by doing things that would get you } arrested in Georgia. Don't wear one to the Arts and Roses ball. It's } bound to get you looked at. If you are the kind of person who likes } being looked at, go ahead. } } You owe the Oracle four gallons of blood, payable immediately. --- 39-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why am I choking? I didn't And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By the ending of this message, the Oracle believes respiration } has ceased. Since there is no longer respiration, there can be no } life. Therefore the question is now deemed rhetorical. --- 39-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Are muskrats more competant than emus? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Man, I tell ya, being an Oracle is a bitch. You get all sorts of } snively-ass questions about the most simple problems. Respect? Ha. } } Okay, all right. Wazz yer problem? Muskrats and emus? It'll never } work. It'll never sell. But it truly is amazing how things evolve in } this crazy industry. Way back in the beginning, there was Teco (Those } were the good days!). Then along came emacs. And now? Emus? And as } for user interface shit, people wanna to build a better mouse (the heck } with the mousetrap), so they ask - what's better than a mouse? A rat! } But rats smell. So sell them muskrats. Go figger. And are people } happy with being competitive? No - they want to be competant, whatever } that is. Hell, I'd settle for a competent file clerk. } } where was I? Muskrats, emus? Chuck them all. Go back to your friggin } abucus, fer christsakes. Go find me a chocolate shake. Muskrats, emus? } Whadda ya wanna do, sleep with them? Here's your answer - if I find you } with my poodle, you're pizza, buddy. --- 39-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > what for do i minasize this question? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, first off, you should study the syntax of the functions. Then you } should evaluate the expressions. } } So - } what requires 1 qualifier, and one expression, returns answer. } for must then be the qualifier to what. } do just does, requires two expressions (from, to) and a third to do. } i is the first expression for do } minasize is the second } this is what the do should do, which in this case is a null operator } because this has no meaning yet. } question? is a reverse order function which forces evaluation of the } previous expression. } } thus: } (what for (do (i,minasize) (this))) question? } or } question: (what for (do (i,minasize) (this))) } and since this means nothing, i and minasize are never evaluated } (since this is a lazy language), do does nothing with this, no } matter the size of mina. } thus: } question: what for } or } what for? } which should be immediately evaluated by the compiler (since it } need not be run because it can always be evaluated), and the } system should reply: } } That for. } } got any pickles? --- 39-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't say the word "m,.e4fl" correctly without mangling it totally > beyond recognition. I can't even write it. Why? What can I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Firstly, the e is silent. That causes confustion for most people due } to the 4 following. The ,. dipthong is pronounced with a alveolar pop } caused by holding the tongue against the alveolar ridge and creating a } vacuum between the tongue and ridge, then releasing it. It sounds like } } < mmmm forfull > } } As for writing it, that's stupid. You had to just to ask the } question. } } As for what you can do, that seems nonsequitur to this line of thought } and is somewhat open ended. At least I know you can type. --- 39-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do nice looking, plesant women always end up with doufis men? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Doufis, a fierce tribe of Arabian warriors, dwells in the Sahuh, the } northern part of the Saraha Desert. They are bold and fierce, and ride } swift horses. They make raiding excursions into the Plesant, a more } civilized region, in which the people have grown soft and unable to } protect themselves. The Doufis take what they value: gold and silver, } fine wines, spices, ferrets, and nice looking Plesantine women. } } You owe the oracle a hookah