From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 26 19:45:57 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #33 Message-ID: <28533@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 27 Oct 89 00:45:57 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 33 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #33 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 27 Oct 89 00:45:57 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 33-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Last night I drempt that I was eating a real big marshmellow, and when > I woke up, my pillow was gone. What does this mean? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } It means that you are dreaming very old jokes. --- 33-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dear Mister Oracle Sir, so Please Your Greatness: > > The MammoGram Man came to my door last night. He said he > had a "special suprize" for me, but I was scared. He comes > every night now... what should I do? And what are his shoes like? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should purchase an ion detoxifier at the nearest K-Mart. The next } time he comes to your door, give him the ion detoxifier and speak the } words of magic: "Oy Veh, what do you mean by this! Begorrah, but you, } sir, are a dipshit! Be off, or I'll set the police on you as quick as a } flash! Gawrsh!" He will trouble you no more. } } His shoes are like cockroaches. Not very nice. --- 33-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Am I a drunken dwarf? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } No, you are not a drunken dwarf. You are an Andrea Dworkin Dunk. } } You owe the Oracle your testicles. --- 33-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What is a "gemshorn"? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } PASSWORD ACCEPTED... } } WELCOME TO NORAD: Would you like to play a game? --- 33-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Do Oracles eat? If so, what do they prefer? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Oracles do most certainly eat. In fact, they eat oracular amounts. } I can't speak for all Oracles, but most seem to have a preference } for Jolt*, Snickers*, and the occasional Twinkie*. } } *Oracles don't need trademarks. --- 33-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that all of Your responses to other peoples' questions (as > posted in rec.humor) seem funny, but when I sent You a humorous > question, I got a response that looked like it had been dictated to a > bored scribe? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Fortunate mortal, you have finally reached the One and Only, True } Oracle. Your previous questions were intercepted by my arch-enemy, the } anti-Oracle. He attempts to discredit me by responding with terminally } boring answers so as to discourage further questions from my faithfull } followers. As I am the one who controls the postings in rec.humor [not } really -sk], only my incredibly humorous (and true) answers are shown. } There is a procedure you must follow if you wish all you questions to } reach me. You must recite the pledge of allegiance backwards, while } dancing around a burning american flag. This will foil the } anti-Oracle's attempts to divert your mail from it's true destination. } (By the way, if you haven't guessed, the anti-Oracle is in fact George } Bush. He used his techniques of mail diversion to intercept votes and } thereby fix the election. On the next election, you should use the same } incantations to make sure that your vote doesn't get changed by this } insidious monster.) --- 33-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is it that the turn-signals a car are never in synch with the > turn-signals on any other car? They always have different intervals and > go in and out of phase with each other. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What seems like an accident often turns out to be devilishly clever } design! Consider that while you are driving your car and in motion, you } perceive only the turn signal of the vehicle in front of you. This is } Good because your mind is not diverted from the daunting task of } piloting your car. } } On the other hand, when you are stopped waiting for a traffic light and } desperately wishing that you had remembered to bring some light reading } along, there are *several* turn signals visible to you, each with its } own individual periodicity. In addition, you can hear your own turn } signals. I'll wager that you often catch yourself playing little games } observing the beat frequencies of all these slightly out of phase } signals. Don't worry: these games are perfectly normal and help to } relax you, much like a light massage of your temples. } } Were it not for the relaxation afforded by asynchronous turn signals, } your mind would probably be boiling over in anger over the fact that you } are stopped at the traffic light by a mere convention. Consider it! } You have been brainwashed, brainwashed by the STATE, to respond to } colored light signals. Pretty soon someone's going to come around with } a flashlight and make you bark like a dog. --- 33-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Aren't there any cute females *anywhere* that think programmers > are sexy? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Silly mortal! Of course there are. However, they are not native to } your puny, backwater, orbit-around-a-second-rate-sun planet. } } You see, insignificant gnat, all programmers eventually recite one or } more lines of their programs out loud, followed by curses. Little do } they know, but 99% of these utterances match syllable-to-syllable with a } Phrase from the Mystic Order of the Shining Oak Leaf Druid Society's } Book of Intimate Curses, Hexes, and Horrible Fortunes and Fates. These } incantations render the person three chairs to the west of the invoker } completely and irrevocably un-appealing to members of the appropriate } sex, except for the ones decendant from a group of Amazon-like beings } from a star so far off that its light has not yet reached your mud-hole } of a world (The interactions between these aliens and The Mystic Order } is long and torrid and not fit reading for any being of less than } Oracular prowess). Since the person three chairs to the left of the } invoker is ALWAYS another programmer (if your piddling physicists would } just realize this, the Grand Unified Theorem would fall neatly into } place), no programmer is considered sexy by any fellow human, cute or } otherwise. } } You owe the Oracle 5 bales of poison ivy (hand picked). --- 33-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Bambi is a girl's name, right? So why did Disney call a MALE deer Bambi > in its classic cartoon (now available on videocassette)? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The usage of the feminine name Bambi is meant to forshadow Bambi's } future transvestite tendencies. As Bambi grows up, he discovers Boy } George as a role model and attempts to dress exactly like him(?). This } part of Bambi's life is not shown in the Disney movie that was released } to the public as it was deemed unsuitable for general audiences. If you } are interested in seeing Bambi in drag, you can get a copy of the video } from you local video store by asking for 'the other Bambi movie'. If } that doesn't get any response, try 'you know, the x-rated one'. By this } time you should have gotten your point across and will either have a } copy of the movie or have been thrown out of the store. If the latter } happens to be the case, try again at a less reputable video store. } } You owe the Oracle one Bambi corpse. --- 33-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is there so much garbage in talk.bizarre? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Long, long ago, around the time of the founding of Netnews, there } existed a newsgroup net.garbage, for that very purpose. Over time, } and across changes in the newsgroup naming conventions (such as the } introduction of talk.* groups), the Powers That Be renamed it several } times in hopes of attracting more subscribers, who had usually given } up on the group soon after starting to read it. It went from } net.garbage to net.bagegar to talk.bizhgar to talk.bizarre. } So you see, its original purpose lives on.