From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Thu Oct 26 19:21:23 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #32 Message-ID: <28531@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 27 Oct 89 00:21:23 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 32 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #32 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 27 Oct 89 00:21:23 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 32-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why is this guy on my left such a dipshit? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The oracle has long considered everyone sitting to the left of anyone } else to be a dipshit. Just ask the guy sitting on your right. --- 32-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many virgins, exactly, are there left in the world? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Three. Margaret Thatcher, Tammy Fae Bakker and you. } You're in good company. --- 32-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > to be or not to be ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oh, be da be da doo be doo be doo, cash baby cash is what I'm a-payin' } you, have some succotash on your beet and carrot stew, oh, be da be da } doo be doo be doo. --- 32-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Hello. Who and what are you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } I am the singer without a song, } I am the junkie without a bong, } I am the barber who cannot shave, } I am an ocean without a wave, } I am a parrot who cannot fly, } I am a lawyer who cannot lie, } I am a scholar who cannot think, } I am a drunkard who cannot drink, } I am a stereo without a sound, } I am a steamboat that's run aground, } I am the frog without a croak, } I am the jester without a joke. --- 32-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm poor but honest. Is this a mistake? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Wealth is the fabric of accumulation, honesty is the fabric of the } soul. Metaphysicists have held that accumulation can be traded for } soul, and incarcerated artists such as James Brown have proven the } proof. --- 32-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and wordy orifice, > > Can you think of any way that mankind could benefit by finding a use for > the black rubbery substance that is commonly found between ones toes > when the socks have not been changed for many days/weeks/months? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } fake latex. } } not wordy. } } owe apology. --- 32-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why Tiamat won't work? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Tiamat won't work because she is a five-headed dragon with mongo hit } points, massive numbers of spells, vast armies of dragons which wait on } her every whim, two very sharp pointed sticks ("spears"), a vast pile of } gold and jewels, a big mug of cocoa with Kahlua in it, sixteen brass } buttons, a very comfortable chair, a good solid LISP interpreter, a } priceless Ming vase, a telephone with unlimited local calling, a year's } supply of popcorn, six lottery tickets, last month's TV Guide, an } automatic chess set, a large bottle of maraschino cherries, and a } hangover. } } Would you work, if you were her? } } You owe the oracle a rhetorical question, to be answered literally. --- 32-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Why do butt cheeks separate vertically instead of horizontally? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } what a dorky question. well, ok. if they separated horizontally, } they'd be considerably harder to wipe. --- 32-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Donna Summers said, "God had to create disco music so that I could be > born and be successful. I was blessed. I am blessed." What went wrong? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The God involved in the creation of disco music was a wrathful and cruel } God. --- 32-10 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Does Lisa like sausages? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Well, that all depends on the kind of sausages. } } If I remember correctly (of course I remember correctly I'm the Oracle), } she absolutely adores bratwurst and knakwurst but she hate summer } sausage. } } I suggest that you show her your sausage and ask her what she thinks.