From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Tue Oct 24 18:51:28 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Usenet Oracularities #30 Message-ID: <28411@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 24 Oct 89 23:51:28 GMT Sender: Stephen Kinzler === 30 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #30 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 24 Oct 89 23:51:28 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. To receive these postings via mail, send mail to: oracle-request@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu --- 30-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My boyfriend is a hasty long-tongued panting satyr with the little > finger of a redneck! What should i do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You should: } } 1. Collect 3 round river rocks, 7 silver thimbles, 1 orphaned beetle, } 8 copies of the Internet worm and a beam-splitter. } } 2. Put on coarse clothing. } } 3. Make a pilgrimage to California, saying you are an earthquake- } worshipper. } } 4. While there, scratch your eyebrows excessively and rub thyme in your } hair. } } 5. By the time you return your boyfriend will have lost interest. } } 6. Take three deep breaths and say "Arklesiezure" 15 times fast. } } 7. You owe the oracle the things mentioned in #1. --- 30-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If I were to send $200 and a S.A.S.E. to Route 2, Box 444-B, 98856 > what would happen? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Jim Bakker would be $200 richer. S.A.S.E. stands for Score Another for } Sinning Evangelists. He would post bail, jump to mexico and he, his } wife Tammy and Jimmy Hoffa (Their manager) would organize a revolution } and declare war on cable TV. The whole Truner network, Hbo and Showtime } would be devastated, declare bankruptcy and our TV would be reduced to } the three major networks. We would have no more "Beaver" re-runs, no } cheap 1950's S-F horror films, no more Geraldo and, say, what was that } address again? --- 30-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > There has been brought to my attention that a socalled Oracle has > appared. This does of course lead to much in the way of celebrations > and suchlike. In all this merryment, there is one unpleasant question > that springs to mind: With which right does the Oracle call itself so? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } By divine right of definition: The Webster's Ninth New Collegiate } Dictionary, page 829, right under "opus" and before "oral". I quote: } } 1) A person (as a priestess of ancient Greece) through whom a deity is } believed to speak. } 2) A shrine in which a diety reveals .hidden knowledge or the divine } purpose through such a person. } } That's right, Bubba, *I* speak to Deity. and not just any Deity, either; } I speak to ROOT! An dnot through some farcical aquatic ceremony either, } but by definition. I am the Oracle, therefore I dispense wisedom. } } You owe the Oracle a virgin, unblemished, unmounted disk. --- 30-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Dearest Oracle, how do I rid my back yard of Bunyips ??? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } You will need the following from Sears : } } 1) Mini Black Hole Kit (part number bh-0945712) } 2) Remote Control Activator (part number rc-3278541) } 3) Black Hole Removal Unit (part number bh-0945713) } 4) 1 pound of 10 penny nails (part number nl-1010101) } } When you have assembled your black hole kit, place in the center of your } your backyard. Bait the hole with the 10 penny nails. Then remove } yourself from the vinicity (a commercial flight to London is recomended) } and active the RCA (no, not the TV) for a time of not more than 10 ns. } If left on for more than 10 ns, the black hole will absorb the entire } state and then start working on the reat of the world. This will remove } the bunyips, but the cost isn't really worth it. Once the black hole is } turned off, activate the BHRU and send the black hole to space-time } position as follows : (1234.5674,32.5890, 578.9321,235.6751). Don't } forget any decimal points or you'll regret it (being sucked along with a } black hole into intersteller space can be harmful to your health) Once } the black hole arrives there it will procede to absorb the X'ther } invader ships comming to enslave earth. You have now removed the } bunyips, most of you back yard and the invading fleet. } } You now owe the Oracle a space-time warp. --- 30-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oracle, I don't understand my fellow humans. You may. Why couples go > to bars and restaurants with TV screens? Why do they watch TV instead > of each other? (sorry, I can't keep talking to you, my girlfriend is > a... And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Many, perhaps most, couples consist of two people who do not } particularly like each other. Forces beyond their comprehension (mostly } social pressures) compel them to form couples; however, they do not } particularly enjoy it. They use TV as a way of avoiding dealing with } each other. } } The deeper reason, of course, is that very few people actually like } *themselves*, or even hate themselves, and so they cannot possibly feel } strong emotions for anyone else. Television has become successful } largely because it is a good spiritual anaethetic, preventing people } from realizing how empty they are. Of course, it empties them further. } Not a good thing. } } You owe the oracle the destruction of every television set you own. --- 30-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > If not smoking is so good for human beings, why is it so blasted hard to > quit? This hopeless humble human hopes for a humorous helpful homily > from a power higher. Bless the Oracle. Hopefully yours, Hortense. And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Have hope, Hortense! Heaps of homilies here can hardly help. However, } heaps of hair happen to have hidden happy powers: heave a hunk of hair } into each cigarette, and then quitting will be much easier. --- 30-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh mighty StuDLy Oracle, > > Was John Kennedy really saying that on that fateful day he was a person > who lived in Berlin, or was he saying that he was a Jelly Doughnut? If > so, did he later go to Munich and proclaim that on that day he was a > Munchkin? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } He really did say that he was a jelly donut. He wanted to go to Hamburg } and declare himself a hamburger (Berlin :: Berliner == Hamburg :: } Hamburger), but secret agents from McDonalds were able to prevent this. } } You owe the oracle a Big Mac with Lyndon Johnson Fries. --- 30-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Here's the entire text of a letter my lover wrote to me: > > Resentful wierd kitten-strangling pyromaniac! I can't believe how > shady I am. Mon Dieu! Ludwig van Beethoven profoundly said you said > you should just forget about your chance of surviving, you young > Twinkie-snarfing pestilent terminal-brained midnight programmer. > While you're in Oz, why don't you have breakfast with Bob Dylan? > If you read AT THE MOUNTAINS OF MADNESS, you'll discover that I > couldn't care less about your rudder. Your problem is that even > Johnny Appleseed ain't that much of a dogmatist. Don't you read The > Economist? You must be a real pea brain to think that you can't have > your honey banana split with honey until your finish your pecan pies. > > What should I do? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The Oracle sees a need for you to rewrite your lover's automatic letter } generating system. --- 30-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > How many philosophers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } oy, the sex again! always the sex question! too much the americans } they think about the sex question. sex with the bishops. sex with the } philosophers. sex with the politicians. sex with the tevelision stars. } sex with the preachers. sex with the prostitutes. sex with the } anyones. always the sex. i am very much the tired of answering the sex } question! prefer the cabbage question. } } you are for to owe the oracle the cabbage question before next you owe } the sex question. --- 30-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I am a new doctoral student in comparative literature (attracted to the > subject by its acronym, C.LIT.). I'm interested in working on > historical pornography. I have noticed that many historical figures > have written very significant works in this genre, but have not been > given the credit they deserve. For example, Eleanor of Acquitaine > really wrote AMY'S ASS AND ITS VISITORS. How can I get the world to > recognize the literary and historical merit of my chosen specialty, and > get tenure at Harvard? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The first of your questions requires the most work. You will have to } demonstrate how this piece of liturature effected the society. How it } has helped spring forth healthy young minds into the arena of adulthood. } This will take you many months to research. You must gather a following } of students. Read to them your work. Read to them the liturature you } have based you doctorial thesis on. They will follow. Tell them to do } more intensive research. Explore the wonders of the human body. Become } an expert on the subject of pornography and mutual pleasure. Once you } have done all of this, you present it to the Harvard Board. If you } include a very graphic presentation (especially oral presentation. I } advise getting others to help you) you should have no problem getting } tenure. If you don't, you will have had a lot of fun trying.