From kinzler@cs.indiana.edu Mon Oct 16 9:44:41 1989 Path: iuvax!kinzler From: Stephen Kinzler Newsgroups: rec.humor,in.bizarre Subject: Usenet Oracularities #18 Message-ID: <27892@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu> Date: 16 Oct 89 14:44:41 GMT Xref: iuvax rec.humor:30558 in.bizarre:277 === 18 =================================================================== Title: Usenet Oracularities #18 Compiled-By: Steve Kinzler Date: 16 Oct 89 14:44:41 GMT To find out how to ask a question of the Usenet Oracle, send mail to: oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle with the word "help" in the subject line. --- 18-01 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Oh great and powerful Oracle...what happens when an irresistable force > meets an immovable object? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The object gets the hots for the force. The force thinks the object } won't come, so it doesn't get involved. The force goes away and has a } torrid affair with a spectrum of eigenvectors. The object sits in a } corner and blah. --- 18-02 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I'm straight. Why do I keep getting engaged to lesbians? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Please describe in detail everything that happened to you during your } 40th month. Did you play with dolls as a child? Describe the taste of } corn syrup. Is this glass half full or half empty? Tell me about your } parents. Were you ever traumatized by something you saw on TV? Was it } after 10 pm? Open wide and saw "Ah". Please drop your pants. Cough. } Again. Was that fun? --- 18-03 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > paradigm anodyne gelatin flax, prickly pears is wonderful snax, melons > and toffee and strangler's glue, soon the pears will come snaxing on > you. Right? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } What a stupid rhyme, wasting my time, this ain't worth a dime, ain't it } a crime? } When you are a joke, your questions I shall choke, 'cause I'm a silly } bloke, and go get a coke. } If you think of it, this ain't worth shit. } The Oracle has rapped. --- 18-04 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Which is better: dropsy or gout? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Dropsy (more formally known as edema) does wonders for ones } character, but gout tends to raises the IQ to enormous proportions. If } you can't decide which you would rather have, you better go with the } dropsy...toes are quite important in a good sexual relationship. --- 18-05 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I can't hear you because I have my head stuck in a source license. You > wanna know what's your problem? It's that nobody ever said that Elvis > Presley offered Falgoche 670 bucks if he would scheme with Stalin. If > you like apple, you'll love new Idzo breakfast cereal! Would you rather > study Anthropology or Cello? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Personally, I'd rather study the pseudo-psychological ramifications of } the response of Smurfs to a Pavlov's dog type quasi-intellectual } experiment. But that's just me. --- 18-06 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > When will William Shatner receive the recognition he deserves as the > finest actor of his, and any other, generation ? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } At the same time that Captain Kirk receives the recognition he deserves } as the most devious starship commander of his, and any other, } generation. } } You owe the Oracle all your duplicate Star Trek stuff. --- 18-07 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > Every time I drink the soda at our food service, my head explodes. Now > this is getting kind of messy and gross, not even considering the energy > I waste regrowing my head, cleaning the stuff up, and erasing the event > off of all the witnesses minds. (Can't let them know I'm immortal, you > know.) What do you think the problem is? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The basic problem is that your immortality is giving you a swelled head. } Ordinarily, your head is on the verge of explosion; I am surprised that } your friends (if you have any mortal friends, that is) haven't commented } on it. Maybe they have, and you just erased their minds. } } Soda is highly carbonated --- a single gram of soda will emit 40 cubic } meters of carbon dioxide at standard temperature and pressure. } Naturally, the already-stressed structure of your scalp cannot withstand } this, and explodes as a way of releasing the pressure. } } Stop drinking soda. --- 18-08 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > What if I can't pay you? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } If you don't pay me, cosmic forces beyond human comprehension will } squirt you out of the universe into the cosmic beyond, never to return. } } You owe the oracle two inhabited planets. --- 18-09 ---------------------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > I dreamed last night that Hobbes bit Calvin's foot off. Does > this have an underlying meaning or is it some sort of premonition? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } The underlying meaning is that your hair is an unnatural mass of webbing } and substance, and grossly needs polishing and tailoring. Not } premonition. } } You owe the Oracle a haircut. --- 18-10 --- offensive -------------------------------------------------- Selected-By: Steve Kinzler The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > My gerbil just underwent a spontaneous nuclear confusion. Do I should > what? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Sounds like the confusion is spreading. What you should do depends on } whether it was cold or hot confusion. If it was hot, you had the gerbil } up your ass and deserve to die from ratiading sickness. If cold, run for } the hills! (And over the cliff) } Just as long as the shrews don't reach critical Mass, everything's } grooving.